What should my 8yo be able to do?

[TipseyTorvey]

We're just coming out of the fog of our younger DCs toddler years and I've suddenly realised I've been totally mollycoddling DS8 because I've been so focused on just getting things done. E.g. If the younger one needs a drink I automatically ask the 8 yo what he'd like and serve him like the 3yo. Realised this weekend that he'd never run a bath because I always do it! So, lovely mumsnetters with older kids can you help me please, I'd like to compile a list of things he needs to learn this year. So far I've got 'scramble and egg and make toast', make own bed, put away laundry, get self up at the weekend without talking to me 😂. All advice welcome!

My 8 year old can do most of the things listed like laces, drinks, shops, play out alone, get breakfast, organise self, tidy up etc etc

My 12 year old really really struggles with a lot of it.

Rightly or wrongly, I have always valued self care over housework for the DCs.

If you have a school residential in y4/y5/y6 then your DC will need to be able to do certain things independently.

When they go to secondary they will need to be able to do other things (e.g. travel).

So as long as you keep upcoming goals in mind and prepare you will be OK. It doesn't really matter what they do, just that they are growing their skills and not being 'babied' in everything.

8 is the age round here where kids start playing out more independently. That requires various skills and judgement - 'what will you do if' scenarios.

My dd will:

Make bed
Put her sports kit on quick wash
Make an omelette/fried egg/ beans on toast etc
Breakfast
Make a hot chocolate
Walk dogs with older sister
Drives my car in the drive - loves that!
Showering and washing hair
Does her own hair
Stacks and unstable dishwasher
Vacuum downstairs only
Confident to do own diy (put rabbit hutch together)
Makes own dresses and skirts wit sewing kit
Very good at making slime

whereareyou my children had no choice but to learn as I have an autoimmune disease, it is a necessity not a stealth boast.
Generally children are very capable if given the opportunity. My 8 year old showed me how to use Apple Pay the other dsy as I could not work it out ( yes completely thick but it just wouldn’t work)
The good thing about this horrid condition is learning how independent and confident my dc have become. A silver lining.

Interesting and helpful thread! Every now and then we have a rethink about what things our kids should be expected to do.

Right now, the 7 yr old is expected to:

• Feed the cats
• Make his own bed (when we remember to nag)
• Set the table every day before dinner
• Clean the table mats after dinner
• hoover occasionally (lightweight cordless hoover)
• Self-serve water & cold drinks

His 3 Yr old sister has no serious jobs but when her brother makes his bed, she also goes up to try and make hers. Her main daily job is to crawl under the table after dinner and pick up all of the dropped peas and other bits of food.

She's already better at washing and cleaning her own teeth than her big brother, who is a grubby oik. Both kids are used to putting their dirty clothes in the bathroom wash basket.

The 3 year olds at nursery all serve their own cereal, fill their water cups and wash their own hands, so you can definitely start that sort of thing early.

Reading this thread has reminded me that it might be time to start teaching the 7 yr old how to make sandwiches and toast and perhaps to wash his own hair.

I think some people are missing the point. Just because a child can do something doesn't mean they are doing it all the time/often/at all.

My DC can make himself breakfast but he probably only does it once a fortnight as I like doing it for him. He thinks it's a treat to make it himself. He asked if he could hoover his room the other day when I was cleaning so I let him try and he then asked to hoover some other rooms as he obviously enjoyed it. No doubt the novelty will wear off! If you don't let them try they and you don't know what they can do.

Most of these things.

Make bed.
Shower/bath unsupervised (temp limited taps here)
Lay table
Load and empty dishwasher
Wash up pots and dry up
Help with vacuuming and dusting
Unpack shopping
Get own breakfast and drinks
Open a wine or beer bottle (13 year old makes a great G&T!)
Sort out school kit
Pack own bag if we are going away (I then check it)

He does not do all these things every day, but he knows how to. Plus plenty more that I have probably forgotten.

Can't tie his laces though! And not from lack of us trying to teach him.

My 7 year old wakes up and gets dressed, makes his own bed.
I put the milk out and he makes his own cereal and toast. He also makes toast for his toddler brother.
After breakfast he clears everything away (with the toddler ‘helping’) and they both wipe down the table.
Meanwhile I get stuff ready for them to leave for school/nursery and we head out 20 mins later.
When he comes home he does his own homework. He helps us lay the table for dinner and helps clear away.
He runs the bath while I get the toddler ready. He can brush his own teeth and I supervise. I then read to him, he reads to himself and falls asleep independently.
He helps with laundry.
He helps put away the shopping.
Both he and the toddler put away all the toys and do a general clean up before going upstairs for bath, stories and bed.
He can pay for simple things in a shop and has been able to for a while.
He’s also been able to pour water for himself for a water.
He helps DH and I with cooking and baking.
He also travels by school bus to school.

Wow, @PotolBabu, what a little star!

But some PP make it sound like their 8 year olds are off to university

I agree. There's this thinking on MN that your children don't learn to do these jobs early, they'll turn into lazy feckless adults. I hardly did any of these things as a child but I quickly learnt to do them when necessary.

See @Potol I’m a bit meh

Being proud of having a mini adult feels sad tbh. They have a full day school. That’s enough.

Mine were just kids- some better at practical stuff than the others but I didn’t much care. They are kids. So many years to be making beds and doing chores

I had a totally carefree childhood and loved it. Have afforded mine the same. They all managed to become functioning and very capable late teens and adults.

Following to read later...

Makes own bed each morning
Gets dressed, brushes teeth and hair
Makes own breakfast
Sets the table each night for dinner then clears the table afterwards (that's one of his chores)
Plays out in the street with friends (only in the cul de sac)
Can make veg soup, pasta, bake whilst supervised

He's 8, almost 9. Find this really interesting to read! Saw a few things above that I will start asking him to do

Based on what my 10 year old with autism is working on or has recently mastered:

• emptying the dishwasher
• laying the table, getting drinks, stacking plates after
• pitching in with a tidying blitz, and doing some sort of household task (vacuuming for us, because he loves it)
• handing in forms etc at school
• helping with shopping - making some choices in the weekly shop, finding a few items, and able to spend pocket money independently.
• spreading things on bread, getting own breakfast, starting to cut own fruit
• managing laundry as in putting clothes in the wash after X days or if grubby, folding anything to be reworn etc.
• answering the phone, making phone calls to grandparents including looking up the number.
• have memorized address, post code and parents' mobile numbers. Know what to do if lost etc
• starting to make decisions re crossing the road and navigating local streets
• able to change for swimming independently and in under an hour(!)

Just reading this made me want to rant about being in subway earlier. I let my son order his own sandwhich which he asked for black pepper. Someone behind us said you really let him decide what he’s having on his subway... em yes he’s the one eating. She went oh I could never. It was weird, he only knows he likes black pepper on his subway because he has the same order as his dad.

Whereareyouspot

Totally agree. My kids can do a lot more than they do regularly. They keep their rooms tidy, make their breakfast at weekends and pick up after themselves but as for bigger chores, as long as they know how to and will do it if I ask then I'm happy to keep doing a lot of things for them. Theres plenty of time for chores later in life but for now I think they are busy enough with school, homework, activities etc. My brother makes his kids do everything from making breakfast, lunch, dinner some evenings, their own washing and ironing, cleaning etc. They tell me that they hate him ☹️ He says he's making them independent but to be honest it's just because he can't be arsed to do anything for them. His kids are really resentful at what they have to do. I only have to ask my kids to help out and they do without moaning. They know I only ask if I'm really busy or not feeling well. I like looking after them.

Of course mine don't do everything every day.

I'm teaching them life skills not training them to be my servants

whereareyouspot totally agree.

I am always surprised at the juxtaposition of us all worrying that our dc grow up too fast these days, yet we are keen to teach them life skills they won't actually need to do for years to come.

It's a balance, surely. Mine get their own breakfast and have done so for ages. I don't think they will hate me because I expect them to get their own bowl out of the cupboard and their own spoon out of the drawer. I think there is more value in the independence of them doing these things themselves (having read a lot about Montessori) than a parent doing it for them. It doesn't mean I never make them pancakes at the weekend or that I expect them to do all the cooking.

We more try to build an atmosphere of everyone pitching in, and if I'm cooking dinner I do think it's reasonable to expect children to come and spend 30 seconds laying the table.

For me, it isn't about teaching them to be my servants. It is teaching them that we all contribute to the household, and to help out when asked in an age appropriate manner. I am not going to be responsible for bringing up the sort of useless man-child that so many MNers complain about. By starting doing a few chores, they can start to learn how much time and energy goes into running a house, and to treat it with respect. Maybe if I was. SAHM with more time on my hands, I would be happy to do everything, but I have a full time demanding job, and two children who are both old enough to start contributing to day-to-day life.

I think the point is that we do find ourselves mollycoddling children some times. DS is not particularly interested in learning most of these skills - he has to be forced. And he struggles with anything that requires multiple steps anyway (a whole thread in itself alongside endless attempts to work out how to help him). So DH and I are slowly slowly forcing him to learn these things. Not so that he will be responsible for them every day, but so that he can step up when he needs to and to lay the foundation for more as he gets older.

At this point, nearly 8, he can make cereal or get himself a drink and put his bowl/plate in the dishwasher (with endless requests and nagging) but on the food/drink prep that's pretty much it. He can however bath and shower himself, although likes me there when he washes hair as he gets stressed when the water is dripping into his eyes so I have to hand him a towel (Note to self - stick a hook somewhere in the shower/over the bath for these moments). He's FINALLY learning to pick up his clothes and put them in the laundry basket but has been happy enough to order and pay for things in shops and cafes for a while.

DD on the other hand can set the table almost independently and is trying to learn to cook (she's a demon egg cracker already)... she's 4. But she WANTS to learn, so she's gaining all these skills almost by osmosis without us making any effort whatsoever. Ditto, she attempts to make her bed and tidy her room (with mixed success). But on self care she won't 'even wipe her own bum. So clearly with her, we're going to have to focus on those things while DS just kind of picked them up along the way.

All very longwinded but my point is that I think it is important to teach these things, but agree that making it part of their daily responsibilities at that age seems unnecessary.

See I did the same with my parents. Both of whom worked. Both of us work. I expect the kids to pitch in. They have plenty of time to be kids but wiping the table down after the meal while I am in the same room, loading the dishwasher isn’t ‘halfway to University’ to me. In fact a lot of the time he’ll be making toast for all of us, I’ll be making tea and milk for them, the toddler running around, DH sorting out their bags, that’s family life to me.
When we go shopping and come back, we all put stuff away together, including the toddler who ‘helps’. We enjoy cooking together- last couple of weekends have been busy and DS1 was complaining that we hadn’t cooked together so we all made risotto on Sunday. And tidying up before we go upstairs is non negotiable unless they are v tired for some reason. Everyone does it together as well and it takes less than 5 mins. I will earn particular MN wrath if I mention that my kids are almost entirely screen free as well. Ooops.

I should mention that my 7 year old is a total dreamer. He’s great at helping but also in his own world. Almost every day he wears at least one item of clothing inside out and looks v puzzled when I point it out. He does his homework super efficiently and then I’ll find the homework book in the art drawer. The other day he was clearing up the table and then I discovered he’d been distracted half way and reading the football scores in the paper! I mean, that’s also family life isn’t it???

Mollycoddled kids make for dependent and lazy pupils at school, waiting for other children or even adults to clear up after them and unable to make decisions for themselves in lessons.

I teach upper KS2. Lots of my pupils (especially boys) will sit and watch others clear up after them, or rely on me for every minor decision about how to set out their work or stick something in their book. They don’t know their own address, the date of their birthday or the months of the year in order. They certainly don’t know their parents’ or siblings’ birthdays. They do nothing at home for themselves and in the case of the boys, will probably just end up with girlfriends or wives who’ll do it for them. And so the gender divide is perpetuated and the wifework never goes away.

Dying of shame here. I’ve got a very sweet, easy, nice, confident 7 year old boy ..... that does absolutely non of those things 🙈 Well, he will pay in Cafes and play out with friends but nothing that involves an actual chore.

No wonder he’s an easy kid, he’s got the easiest life in the World. Nothing to Moab about!

It’s my mission to get him doing more after reading this.