Isn't written feedback from teacher, nursery nurses supposed to be written positively?

[MermaidsAreAmazing]

I got an email from the coordinator of a playgroup I attend with my dc and it is written quite negatively, describing their behaviour, and I was surprised at this.
Aren't these sort of professionals supposed to sugar coat what they say and write in a positive way? Or is this not the usual way anymore?

Why is the person that runs the playgroup emailing you about your children's behaviour? Is that normal?
I go to playgroups with my toddler and the people that run them don't even have my email address.

What's the deal with this group? Is it a mums and toddlers type playgroup, run by volunteers, or is it run by a surestart centre or similar? Or something else?

Oh diddums

If it's a stay and play with qualified staff, part of their remit is to support positive parenting. The email was to invite you for a further discussion, presumably to offer guidance and support. Clearly whatever has been observed in your interactions with DC suggests you need support to manage the behaviour more appropriately or proactively. What you've quoted seems fine to me - professional in tone, but without concealing that there's an issue.

You say there's more that you're not comfortable quoting - that implies that the 'more' is further evidence of your DC's negative behaviour, rather than evidence of the careworker's lack of professionalism in her communication.

Honestly, if what you want is for your DC's poor behaviour, and your apparently inadequate response, to be concealed (either sugar-coated by the careworker, or left out of this thread by you), that does seem to justify their approach. You obviously don't want to acknowledge the issues, let alone deal with them.

I think what op means, is that they have to give constructive criticism rather than destructive.

Perhaps if other parents have complained, the playgroup leader feels she has a duty to intervene in some way?

OP- I would try to speak to the playgroup leader face to face-not defensively, and without the entitled expectation that all conversation about your child should be positive (childcare professionals will always go for the positive spin when interacting with children as part of good behaviour management - but they don’t, and shouldn’t need to do that with you!) and see what they say.

Isn’t it better to know now that your child may need some behavioural support, than in 18 months or whatever when they start school? These things can be very hard to
see in your own children, and harder to know how to deal with.

I’m sure your son has loads of good qualities, but take this opportunity for an honest look at his behaviour, and try to see it as a helpful intervention.

What a bloody drip feed!

So all that has happened is that the playgroup leader has asked you to come in and have a chat abut the way your son behaves around other children and toys!

Just go and talk to the woman! She is doing her job, do yours!

and no Lola Not ^a meeting* OP has been asked to arrive a little earlier next week so they can have a chat about it.

I wish people would stop all the bloody hyperbole... it's a gazillion times annoying!!

It isn't nursery. It's a stay and play play group....although apart from opportunity centres I've never heard of any that send out emails, that seems a bit full on!!
It sounds like they are making a trail to evidence they have approached you about concerns to be honest.
I'd be listening to what they are saying and acting upon it rather than whinging and be thankful a problem was pointed out while I'm in a position to support and change the child's behaviour. Better get the issue sorted out now than a problem to continue and possibly get bigger.

I'm a practitioner and the quote you have given isn't negative but factual about your child's play.

Maybe there more was in the report. But I have just written a very factual report to enable a child with additional needs to receive help so it needed to be blunt. I did prepare mum before hand and did do a positive factual report about how her child has come on in leaps and bounds. It really upsets us in our team to be so negative but it's what we need to do to gain that budget for the child to support them.

Is this a playgroup at a children's centre?
Sounds like his behaviour is quite extreme for a 3 year old and they want to offer you support.

If this was just a volunteer run mums & toddlers group in a church hall, a very disruptive child would probably just be asked to leave.

His behaviour must be a major cause for concern if you've been invited in for a chat.

I've never known a stay and play have to contact a parent over a child's behaviour when the parent stays with them. I'd be embarrassed rather than grumping over their lack of making it into a shit sandwich

I'm surprised that they assigned adult motivation to their description of behaviours. That not a sign of early years professionalism.

"Takes toy Although he doesn't seem to want it".

The email is fine to state something like

^X behaviour is disrupting the play of others. His tendency to take their toys away is causing tensions. Thankyou for always being there to model correct play. However we want you to be more proactive in preventing these situations before they occur.
^
No point sugar coating but as you say snatching because they see something is out of the realms of the norm for 3yo.

I do think you need to respond accenting ds snatches. Say what you do when he does and that you will be more proactive in future.
Dispute he is aggressive and correct them with the superhero play.
Ask they speak to you face to face at next playgroup rather than via email so it becomes a 2 way conversation that ends in resolution rather than a negative list of things that isn't fully correct and doesn't serve to promote a more positive atmosphere.

The fact you accept he's difficult is a good start. Please don't become a parent who just shrugs and says "he's 3!"

What other motive could somebody ascribe in the case of, say a nearly 4 year old who snatches/physically removes toys out of the hands of other children and then, as soon as they have been taken, chucks them down? Is it all kids who would be expected in preschool, or are there significantly younger ones there and the child is a relative giant stomping around and snatching everything whilst Mum, if she says anything, says timidly 'oh, sweetie. Can you not do that again, please, because it's rather rude...?'/or shrugs her shoulders saying 'what do you expect? He's three'

I'm not having a go, it's crap to receive a letter that means your kid isn't the wonderful angel of light you'd like them to be. But how much more sugarcoating could they do?

Is it, or has it ever been, true that those who care for children are supposed to write only positive feedback?

Problem with sugar coating it is sometimes parents don't pick up the actual meaning.
I've several times had conversations with parents-often very intelligent parents, who have told me proudly that the teacher said this... and I've immediately picked up that they've not heard that the teacher was not being positive.

I think it sounds quite appropriate. They have concerns. They've asked you to come in and have a casual chat and given you the heads up what it's about.
How do you think they could handle it better?

"Dear Parent, You have a unique son whose energy levels are a source of amazement to the rest of us...."

So what's the point in them sugar coating it when you've already said you don't believe it all anyway.

Does he go anywhere else? Nursery or preschool?
Has anyone else tackled you about his behaviour?
I imagine the other parents have complained and the leader needs to address those complaints
Do you have any issues with his development?
Do you think he will be ready for school in September?

*Mitz
*
"What other motive could somebody ascribe in the case of, say a nearly 4 year old who snatches/physically removes toys out of the hands of other children and then, as soon as they have been taken, chucks them down?"

You shouldn't ascribe any motive unless child tells you that's his motive.
For example another POV is child does want you as they see another child having fun with it. However once they have it they can't explore it effectively or realise they don't like it.

The snatching must stop. And needs to be dealt with proactively. No questions about that.

But as all behaviour is communication you need an open mind about the motivation because your best chance of stopping behaviour is to truely understand it.

What on earth would be the point of sugar coating it when you admit you yourself have seen him behave this way?!

It is true that teachers do often sugar-coat things in reports and parents' evenings, because schools are frightened of antagonising parents. But it's much more useful and constructive to actually tell the truth. Parents whose children behave badly and disrupt classes should be told straight.

Beautifully put, youarenotkiddingme. Especially the part about the child wanting the toy, getting it and then not understanding its value.

Thankyou for always being there to model correct play. we don't aisling know they're seeing any evidence of it though tbf

He goes to nursery 2 days a week when I'm at work. They haven't said anything at all about his behaviour and he seems fairly settled there.

Yes I'm always there with him as its a stay and play type place.

About the snatching. I actually also disagree about the 'not actually wanting to play with it' but won't tell her this as I don't think either of us know, only him! But from what I've seen he takes the toys in a poor attempt to play with the other child or to get the other child's attention. So for instance if there are some car out he won't go over to them until others are there and then he will approach the group and try and take the car, I think he wants to play with the child AND the car.

How's his general development and language? How are his social skills.
3yo don't tend to have the for thought of "I'm going to take that toy so the other child can't have it".

It's generally much more short sighted than that. And can often be because they don't have the language to engage in play.

I would suggest talking to his nursery and ask them what he's like there. Also maybe come up with some strategies with them that you all use (so everyone's using same language etc) to teach him.

Some children need to be given stock phrases and taught them via role play.

I'd use the email (in whatever form it's written and however it reflects totally reality) as a starting point to supporting him.

So how do you think you will stop him snatching?