Isn't written feedback from teacher, nursery nurses supposed to be written positively?

[MermaidsAreAmazing]

I got an email from the coordinator of a playgroup I attend with my dc and it is written quite negatively, describing their behaviour, and I was surprised at this.
Aren't these sort of professionals supposed to sugar coat what they say and write in a positive way? Or is this not the usual way anymore?

Ah! So you DO see the behaviour they have commented upon but you don't think it is a problem. They do and are trying to communicate this with you!

That is NOT a negative communication, it is an observation. Your child seems to take toys to deprive others of their use rather than to play with himself.

Whilst it can't be pleasant to read anything about your child that you don't agree with, for his sake, you need to discuss this with them, calmly and with a very open mind. They may have spotted an issue you can easily fix if you act now!

Most kids go through a selfish stage. Yours seems to be in it right now! It's nothing unusual. I'd bet the nursery see it in many of the children they care for every day!

OP you are an adult not a child, you don't need someone to always be nice to you in order for you to engage.

Why does a playgroup, where you are also present, write reports? I've never heard of that. Nursery where you are not present fair enough.

I don't think it was a report. OP hasn't said it was. She said she had received an email!

I suspect they have tried to approach her about it and she has not seen the problem, she did say he takes toys away from others which I don't see as too unusual for a 3 year old They see it as more than taking, so they have emailed to underline their concern about her child's behaviour.

Maybe they have had complaints from other parents! Maybe theu are just a good space to take a child and they care about proper socialisation!

How do you respond when he takes toys away?

I'm thinking they've emailed you as there's been complaints from other parents. There is usually a child at a playgroup who rules the roost and they're usually with a parent who is wishy washy in discipline.

I've been taking DD2 to a playgroup for 3 years and the idea of being given a feedback report on her is bizarre! It sounds like the leader has issues with his behaviour but I would say a face to face conversation would be better so you don't have to puzzle over the nuances.

Stay and Play? I run a playgroup (childcare not stay and play). If I needed to have this conversation with you I would have it face to face. You can't tell tone in an email it's too easy to upset someone.

I have many 3 year olds who have problems sharing. A couple of 4 year olds spring to mind as well! We intervene, return the toy and if necessary use a sand timer so the child knows when it is their turn. There are learning intentions in the EYFS based around sharing. There wouldn't be if this wasn't something children need to learn.

Reply stating that you realise he struggles with sharing, you are doing X, what suggestions does she have...

How would you make that more positive?

“Little Timmy is endlessly helpful in removing the nasty heavy toys from other children and putting them safely on the floor. So selfless as he has no interest in playing with them himself. #juniorhero”

Uh oh, entitled man who can do no wrong in his mother’s eyes coming soon to an unfortunate woman near you!

@YogaWannabe oh great now I've spat tea on my pajamas

Goodness me people are being quite presumptuous about my parenting. I never said he or I were perfect!

She emailed me as she wanted me to come in earlier next week to have a chat about it.

I was just surprised as it was quite negative (there was more but I'm not comfortable sharing her words here) but maybe that is the norm nowadays.

Every parent has difficulty being given negative feedback about their child.
Op if you’re there and you’ve seen the behaviour? I don’t quite get this. You’ve seen him behave this way, yes?

OP, you are focusing on the wrong thing here. And that is likely to make your meeting fractious and unproductive. Refocus your attention on the supprt the care provider obviously wants to give you and your DC if she wants to give up time to meet with you. Build successful relationships with those who educate and look after your child, rather than apparently nitpicking over communication style.

Now you have quoted the exact words, they seem perfectly neutral.

They are however describing concerning behaviour. If it was at the normal level for 3yo, then they wouidnot be calling you in for a word.

You need to listen, not go on the defensive, or try to minimise it away as their communication issue. Because tackling disruptive behaviour (which includes describing it) is very much the norm in places with high standards, and always has been.

Feedback to children is positive, constructive etc, yes. I'd presume that an adult can handle the truth. I do tend to sugar coat things when discussing with parents, but that's more because I'm a non-confrontational coward than because it's official policy/best practice. Generally, I use the 'shit sandwich' approach- something nice first, then the nasty bit, then nice again to finish. So, say little Johnny is very bossy, won't let anyone else take a turn and is rude to teachers by answering back- 'Johnny is a very outspoken young man, who knows his own mind and is always excited to share his own views. However, he does have a tendency not to let others have a turn and can be disrespectful to the teaching staff and other children alike. This has become a significant problem that is affecting both Johnny's learning and that of his classmates. I'd like you meet with you to discuss how to address this with Johnny so that we can all help Johnny to be a better team member. He is a very able boy and I'm certain he will make excellent progress in this area with appropriate help and support. I'd like you to meet me on X to discuss this further.'

OP you are right actually, they are supposed to write positively about your child. Like start with all the good things, put a positive spin on the less good things. I would be put out too.

Yes apart from the one statement that is completely untrue (involving superhero play that he does not do but I think that is a mix up with another child) I have seen him behave in the ways described. It was just quite negative to read, the only positive was he 'often uses beautiful manners'.

There is no ‘norm’ here. It isn’t usual for playgroup volunteers to waste their time emailing parents about 3 year olds.

The fact she has suggests she’s really worried about his behaviour and/or other parents are complaining about him. This is the first step before asking you not to come back.

Go, listen. Be contrite accept that what he is doing isn’t good. Try to change his behaviour going forward. Do not accept poor behaviour because ‘that’s what 3 year olds are like’. If they were all like it you wouldn’t have got this email.

@Hairyporker you're out of order and you know it.

There is no way to polish a turd.

If there is an issue with my DC behaviour I would sooner know so I can rectify it.

I recently had a difficult parents evening regarding my DS where I was told he's not paying attention in class and not where he should be with his writing etc. It wasn't nice to hear but at least I know now at home to spend less time worrying about his reading (which he's ahead with) and focus on writing.

This is very unusual to have a written report from a stay and play session.

It's really hard, but I do think someone being a bit more brutal than usual can be helpful if it helps parents understand what is going on more or aids in getting help for a child that needs it. But then sometimes it is just staff being negative and not helpful. Without knowing your child or the staff, hard to know.

I've had school teacher/staff sugarcoat DS's behaviour when he was younger and them being so reassuring and understated about it all didn't make me see that he needed a diagnosis and help at all. When he got a more 'old school' Y2 teacher who was much more blunt, I felt like an idiot for not reading between the lines of what his earlier teachers said. She certainly wasn't horrible and was very supportive actually, but she did help me see that DS needed help, and she helped me get it.

So this is a parent/toddler group? And you have fo attend a meeting re your child’s behaviour? That is unusual to say the least.

I think it depends on who's writing it. DS2 got an absolutely dreadful school report in yr1, I think it was just the teacher's personality.

"We can't keep using his summer birthday as an excuse." A study of yr7 children says you can.