I hate my volunteer position

[IndigoGnome]

I feel awful and don't know what to do. I volunteer with a service that provides company for lonely people in the community. I was matched with a lady who lives alone, she has mobility issues so doesn't get out much and to begin with I really enjoyed visiting her. But as time has gone on I'm finding it really difficult. I'm supposed to visit for an hour a week, I always stay for 1hr 30 at least but she gets very upset when I say I have to go and I feel awful leaving her knowing she's going to be on her own. She contacts me a lot between visits, calling and texting. Technically the agreement we both signed says numbers should only be used to arrange/cancel/rearrange meetings. But I don't feel like I can remind her of that, there's not really a nice way of saying it without upsetting her.

I believe she's depressed, she said to me last time that my visits are the only thing that keeps her going. This sounds awful and selfish I know but I'm not sure I can cope with that kind of responsibility. I'm so worried that if I were ill, or one of my DC etc and I couldn't make a visit one week that it would really affect her.

I've tried to get her to come to local community meeting things, basically tea and cake at the local church hall so she can get to know more people. But she's not interested.

I'm so ashamed because obviously I chose to do this but I just dread visiting her and feel so emotionally drained when I leave. Along with the massive guilt that I couldn't stay for longer and have made her cry when I leave.

I've gently broached the subject of seeing the gp about her mood but she completely shut that down. I don't know how to help her.

I'm aware I sound selfish and I honestly feel awful, I just don't know what to do for the best.

Can you contact the people who run the service and explain what is going on?
It's one thing to cheer someone up every week but it's another to be their sole supporter.

tbh I'd stop the visits and also say to the agency/organiser that your mobile number mustn't be given out to individuals

if anyone needs to reschedule, it should be done via the agency really. The potential for things to go wrong with this is too high.

When I have volunteered in a similar way, no one had my number, but that was a while ago. I think that there's been a lot of blurring of boundaries since then. Doesn't the organisation have a duty of care to their volunteers though - or is it a condition that you have to give out your mobile number?

I'm aware I sound selfish and I honestly feel awful, I just don't know what to do for the best.

You do NOT sound selfish

You signed up for X

Your elderly person has shifted it to XYZ

This is totally unfair to you

I would report to the people who run the charity and stop visiting her

I'd explain that you are there to do X and atm X is all you can do

Fully expected to be told off, so thank you! The lines are definitely blurred and I feel that's partly my fault for not being firm with the boundaries. DH keeps saying I need to contact the volunteer coordinator but I just feel terrible about it. What happens if they can't find someone straight away to replace me and then she's all alone again? Oh the guilt is not fun!

As a volunteer don’t you get supervision meetings? This kind of thing must have happened before. I definitely agree, talk to your vol coordinator about it, that’s what they’re there for!

Talk to the volunteer service. They should have procedures to deal with clients becoming too dependent/crossing boundaries, such as swapping somebody else in.

Nope, not on. Talk to your supervisor. She needs more appropriate help.

IndigoGnome it is natural that you’d feel guilty, you are obviously someone who cares about other people otherwise you wouldn’t be in this difficult position. You need to set boundaries though or you’re going to burn yourself out ultimately she isn’t your responsibility beyond what you’ve already kindly agreed too. Resentment on your side will grow and the arrangement won’t work if you leave it.

It sounds like she has needs that go beyond what you can do for her as a volunteer.

Ask to be re-assigned and for someone else to visit her.

Talk to the co-ordiantor about the phone issue - that's ridiculous. Of course they can't and shouldn't rely on their lonely clients to avoid contact except in emergencies. They need to use a central system.

I have experience of training people who volunteer / befriend the elderly,bereaved, or lonely. You really should contact the charity and let them know what you are experiencing , that's what they are there for . They will be used to having clients such as yours and will advise / and or accompany you on a visit to remind the person of the boundaries. It will be handled professionally and help to ' reset' the relationship.

It's not selfish to recognise her needs are greater than what you can (or should attempt to) provide.

You're essentially volunteering in a befriender type role? It sounds like she needs more intensive/comprehensive support.

Are there channels in your organisation to flag this up/refer?

You are very kind, and you are obviously very concerned for this woman's wellbeing even though she is driving you crazy. I think as others have said, that the best thing is to alert the volunteering service, your lady clearly needs a greater level of support than they realised when they paired you up, or maybe her circumstances have changed, either way, she needs proper professional evaluation and appropriate help which even with the best will in the world you can't provide. The volunteer agency will have the contacts and influence to help her, alerting them is the best thing you can do for both of you.

I think you may have to ask to be reassigned. Lines are too blurred at this point. Being firm with her might not work now and will probably only make you feel awful. I'm about to start some volunteer work that will deal with emotions enormously too and they tell us in training that first and foremost you have to look after yourself. If it gets overly emotionally draining then that is too far and isn't good for you and it's time to take a step back. In this case, I'd advise them of exactly what has happened and hopefully they will reiterate the rules to her before the next (perhaps more experienced) volunteer steps in.

Lottie "Of course they can't and shouldn't rely on their lonely clients to avoid contact except in emergencies. They need to use a central system."

exactly! and you are not being selfish OP. This lady has hugely crossed boundaries. There may be issues that she doesn't understand boundaries - but none of that is your fault.

You need to check in with your coordinator it clearly isn't working out for you and ypu are giving too much of your energy and that isn't what volunteering is about sounds like the woman needs other support. It is ok to change your mind though but don't suffer insilence speak to a member of staff about it.

Ime volunteers can go in all ready to save the world when you start work like this but you should only give what ypu can you shouldn't be this ladies only support you are not equipped to cope and that isn't a critisism (sp)

This is what puts me off of a lot of volunteering to be honest. I totally agree that contact needs to be managed centrally.

I have a similar issue around a volunteer role - that basically it is being used to patch together a service that should be offered by professionals.

I have volunteered for something along the lines of job-search mentoring, but have been offered clients who are male ex-offenders and/or have severe anxiety, depression or agrophobia. I have politely but firmly said that I am not qualified to offer support in those specific cases. I am waiting to see what happens, but fundamentally I am not going to do the work (and carry the risks) of a probation officer, psychologist or counsellor for nothing.

You need to tell the service really because this person needs professional help - put to one side whether you feel guilty (and you shouldn’t feel that way!). You know you can’t provide that help, so even if you continue you’ll still feel guilt but for a different reason and you’ll never be able to provide the level of support she needs.

You sound like a very decent person, but the decent thing would be to contact the organisation

Don't feel bad about talking to your supervisor - you continuing to respond to the client means she's not actually getting referred for the help that would be more appropriate to her needs.

Sometimes to help others you have to step back - recognise your own limitations.

This lady has become overly attached to you and is exceeding the boundaries of your arrangement by calling between visits and guilt tripping you for not staying longer. At this point it’s unlikely that you can pull back and start sticking to the arrangement. Sadly I think you’ll have to end your visiting relationship.

Contact the charity to explain and ask to be reassigned. Then block this lady’s number. The charity will need to clarify the terms of the visiting arrangement with her before they send anyone else in your place. And ideally they should also direct her to additional support because she appears to need more than this sort of arrangement is designed to provide.

I had to give up a voluntary befriending job because the lady needed more than I could give. My supervisor spoke to the family explaining they needed to get her more professional support and it was not suitable for a befriended to visit until they had more support in place. I know I did the right thing.

Tbh this is what put me off volunteering like this, because I could see it happening from a mile off and like you, I'd have felt awful being in that position.
If the organisation isn't conducted safely or ethically then it's too problematic. People are being put in risky situations because of cuts to more specialist services.
You've tried all you can with this lady, OP. A lot of isolated people would love the chance to get out and about with encouragement and support. She doesn't want it. Don't feel bad.

You need to speak to the volunteer coordinator and explain that this placement is proving rather more demanding than anticipated. It is not uncommon for those with mh issues or just loneliness to latch on to an individual and this client may well be known for this . Not your fault at all and the service should be used to managing such situations and supporting you. You should not feel obliged to give personal contact information out, the service can pass on messages as appropriate. Hopefully they will recognise that boundaries have been crossed and rotate volunteers accordingly.