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Original poster

I hate my volunteer position

54 replies

IndigoGnome · 19/02/2019 16:51

I feel awful and don't know what to do. I volunteer with a service that provides company for lonely people in the community. I was matched with a lady who lives alone, she has mobility issues so doesn't get out much and to begin with I really enjoyed visiting her. But as time has gone on I'm finding it really difficult. I'm supposed to visit for an hour a week, I always stay for 1hr 30 at least but she gets very upset when I say I have to go and I feel awful leaving her knowing she's going to be on her own. She contacts me a lot between visits, calling and texting. Technically the agreement we both signed says numbers should only be used to arrange/cancel/rearrange meetings. But I don't feel like I can remind her of that, there's not really a nice way of saying it without upsetting her.

I believe she's depressed, she said to me last time that my visits are the only thing that keeps her going. This sounds awful and selfish I know but I'm not sure I can cope with that kind of responsibility. I'm so worried that if I were ill, or one of my DC etc and I couldn't make a visit one week that it would really affect her.

I've tried to get her to come to local community meeting things, basically tea and cake at the local church hall so she can get to know more people. But she's not interested.

I'm so ashamed because obviously I chose to do this but I just dread visiting her and feel so emotionally drained when I leave. Along with the massive guilt that I couldn't stay for longer and have made her cry when I leave.

I've gently broached the subject of seeing the gp about her mood but she completely shut that down. I don't know how to help her.

I'm aware I sound selfish and I honestly feel awful, I just don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:

Etino · 19/02/2019 18:21

Poor you. Definitely pass it back to the coordinator, it makes me so angry when schemes like this are run on a shoe string and volunteers are exploited which is what’s happening to you.

AnnaMagnani · 19/02/2019 18:21

Contact your volunteer co-ordinator NOW! It's what they are there for

Some volunteers would be fine with this. You are not -this is also totally OK. The co-ordinator is there to support you and will not want to lose a great volunteer.

Clearly this lady has bigger issues than your service can fix and this needs escalating so please do so and don't feel bad about it. In the long run you are doing the best thing for her.

julietbeatrice · 19/02/2019 18:36

It is a shame, because it is a befriending service so I can see how the lady views the OP as a friend

The guilt tripping you into staying isn't fair, but some of the other things aren't too bad?

hidinginthenightgarden · 19/02/2019 18:45

I was in the exact same position a few years ago. I spoke to my mentor who reminded the lady I supported that we were not supposed to be contacting each other outside our visits and then a few weeks later when I found out I was pregnant, I made the decision to stop the mentoring.
I had to go cold turkey as any gradual reduction in contact was making things worse. I suggest you seek guidence and then do similar. I still feel guilty when I drive past her residence but she isn't my responsibility.

TonTonMacoute · 19/02/2019 19:01

Absolutely do not feel guilty or ashamed. The voluntary work you do is hugely important, but clearly this lady has greater needs than you can supply on your own.

Do speak to the charity, they will be used to dealing with situations like this.

Leeds2 · 19/02/2019 19:27

I volunteer with Home-Start (which involves visiting parents with at least one child under the age of 5), and the home visiting volunteers all have monthly meetings with their coordinator so that problems such as these can be resolved. I would really recommend that you arrange a meeting with your coordinator as soon as possible, and tell them exactly what is happening, and how it is making you feel.
I should add that where I am, volunteers often don't continue with a particular family either at the volunteer's request, or the family's, because they just don't click. The volunteer usually gets assigned to a new family, and the family get a new, different volunteer.

Grace212 · 19/02/2019 19:39

juliet did you actually read the OP?

julietbeatrice · 19/02/2019 19:47

Yes Grace - what did I miss, sorry?

Grace212 · 19/02/2019 19:48

juliet this bit - you're okay with it?

"She contacts me a lot between visits, calling and texting. Technically the agreement we both signed says numbers should only be used to arrange/cancel/rearrange meetings."

julietbeatrice · 19/02/2019 19:55

I can understand why somebody may think a befriending service is a friend, and I text and call my friends that is all I meant.

kaytee87 · 19/02/2019 20:14

You need to contact the organisation as others have said. Quite frankly it's a ridiculous system that your numbers are given out. Is it quite an amateur set up?

MaybeDoctor · 19/02/2019 20:32

But the point is, she isn't a friend in that sense of the word, as it is a service rather than a mutual friendship that has arisen through some form of initial attraction or shared experience. It is more like a work client. If you would be happy to have a work client phoning or texting you on your personal number multiple times a week, perhaps when you are trying to relax or spend time with your own family, then you are more patient than most!

julietbeatrice · 19/02/2019 20:36

I know and I understand that. But I can understand how someone lonely and vulnerable may not, that's all.

Original poster

IndigoGnome · 20/02/2019 07:25

I appreciate all the responses. Will definitely contact the volunteer coordinator and have a chat about what's going on. I'm meant to have regular supervision meetings but this hasn't happened so far.

I understand where you're coming from juliet and I think this is why it's so difficult to set the boundaries, she obviously sees the relationship differently to what it actually is and I can definitely see how that could happen. But this should have all been explained to her before we were matched. And at first things were absolutely fine, I would visit her on our arranged day and have a cup of tea and a chat. She really is a fascinating woman. But as time has gone on she has become more and more reliant on me and I never wanted to hurt her feelings by telling her she shouldn't be calling me. Her mood has gone downhill since we first met (whether that's actually what happened, or she always felt that way but hid it until we got to know each other better I don't know) and sometimes I just don't know how to respond when she's talking about how much she hates her life. I'm not a therapist nor do I have any MH qualifications and I'm constantly terrified I'll say the wrong thing. Or even just listening but not responding and then making her feel worse.

You're all right, I know I can't continue like this. I don't think it's healthy for either of us. I'm just so worried about what will happen to her.

OP posts:

julietbeatrice · 20/02/2019 07:42

What is the service supposed to do, OP? I don’t want that to sound critical in the slightest, I’m just interested

user1498854363 · 20/02/2019 07:52

Op, she survived fine before you came on the scene, she will survive after you leave. Yes I am sure she enjoys ur visits, but if they mean she doesn’t get professional help then the visits are not helping her at all.

Please speak to the company, you have done a kind thing but need to be well to keep giving of your time!
Good luck! You have done nothing wrong, you are helping her by talking to company, even if it is not easy. 💐

Original poster

IndigoGnome · 20/02/2019 08:04

The aim of the service is to provide company to a lonely person in the community that have found themselves isolated for one reason or another. Ultimately what we'd like to do is help the client regain some lost confidence and help them reintegrate into society by accompanying them to social outings and hopefully widening their circle so at some point the volunteer stops visiting them because they are now more independent and hopefully have gained new friends.

Obviously it doesn't always work out like that, some people just aren't interested in that and are happy to continue just seeing the volunteer on a weekly basis for a chat.

OP posts:

FlagFish · 20/02/2019 08:10

OP, I have had had various volunteering roles in the past (although not the same as this one), and I understand the guilt associated with them, eg If I didn't do x how would y cope. But you have to protect yourself here. This will not stop and is likely to get worse as she comes to rely on you more and more.

julietbeatrice · 20/02/2019 08:14

I think the whole premise of the volunteer work is flawed - someone is lonely, they provide a "friend", but of course it isn't a friend, not really, and that's where the problem is stemming from.

LIZS · 20/02/2019 08:15

There should also be some kind of review of each client to assess whether what the organisation can offer is meeting their needs. Some may never feel ready, or want, to move outside a one to one situation and therefore it may be better to refer them on to another service. Others may simply need longer to get to that point. However the organisation has a duty of care to their volunteers as well as clients. Please do not let one difficult experience put you off.

SnuggyBuggy · 20/02/2019 08:16

I wonder if the volunteers working in pairs would be better. A one on one relationship can get intense and become co dependent

AlexaAmbidextra · 20/02/2019 08:21

I'm meant to have regular supervision meetings but this hasn't happened so far.

Well then the organisation is failing you. They have a duty of care and supervision is about your emotional and psychological safety. They are putting you at risk and that is inexcusable and I think you need to point this out to whoever manages the volunteers. Perhaps if you had been having supervision this situation could have been nipped in the bud before it got out of hand. Please try to not feel guilty. You are a caring person who has done your very best but unfortunately it seems that you have been left to sink or swim.

mando12345 · 20/02/2019 08:25

What a shame, but the system is flawed. As others have said you shouldn't be giving your phone number.
My husband and I volunteer and we genuinely care for our clients but we have to behave professionally and not get personally involved, although we do the absolute best we can.
Go back to your supervisor and please don't let this put you off.

KingHenrysCodpiece · 20/02/2019 08:35

I'm with juliet. The entire premise seems flawed. Talking to someone who isn't really a friend but acts like one for an hour is ripe for blurred boundaries.

spongedog · 20/02/2019 08:36

I cant remember how long you have been doing this for, but you mention in an update that you havent yet had any regular supervision meetings. That is awful and is the main reason why this situation has continued. Absolutely escalate to the volunteer co-ordinator but also talk to a Trustee of the organisation. They have duties of care to staff and volunteers and will take this very seriously.

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