It’s just dawned on me that both my adult sons and my XH have ASD and I had no idea. Shit.

[lottielady]

This is going to be very difficult to explain without being outing, so please bear with me.

Basically I came across something yesterday evening that led to a discussion with my DS2, during which he informed me that he suspects he has ASD.

Which led me to do a lot of reading.

I now believe both of my adult sons have ASD, and what’s more, so does my XH.

Which makes me feel like the worst person in the world. How could I not have known?

I did suspect with DS2, but for various reasons (mainly XH’s discouragement) I never pursued a diagnosis. Shit mum award. I could have made his life so much easier.

And do I broach the subject with DS1? He’s at uni, has a girlfriend, is brilliant - but there are traits that are going to make relationships hard for him and I’m terrified he’ll end up lonely like his dad.

Pennies dropping all over here. I feel just dreadful. What a failure.

Don't beat yourself up. Tony Attwood didn't realise his son had autism for 30 years and he's a world leading expert on autism.

My dad feels a bit rubbish about not pursuing a diagnosis for me as a child but I don't blame him at all.
It's likely I would have had some horrible possibly traumatic ABA 'therapies' foisted on me.
As it is, I have my diagnosis now and it helped me to understand myself. It all worked out.

If your son doesn't want a diagnosis he won't get one - he would have to want one and cooperate.

Autistic people are all different and some of us manage perfectly fine in relationships.
And not everyone with autistic traits would receive a diagnosis of ASD.

I keep thinking they would have only stuck a label on them...but I think that’s to make me feel better.

I would have been a better parent for sure. More understanding and patient.

Do I mention what I suspect to DS1?

I only realised I had ADHD recently in my mid-forties, it was like a huge penny dropped & everything suddenly made sense.

Sort one son out, discuss loudly around second son...

Label or lens through which to see things clearly?

Would you call a DX for a physical illness a label?

Lots of people with autism leave normal lives ..... obv lots don't.! If they've managed so far they may be ok. Can you Broach it with him ?

I have this dilemma too - I am absolutely certain DS has ASD, but can't see any great benefit in discussing it with him (because of the way his manifests itself). He is independent and not unhappy, but has no personal self esteem, no social life and lives through computer gaming. It breaks my heart a bit and I feel guilty for not being more on top of it through his childhood. But ASD in the '90s just wasn't on the radar or understood the way it is now.

I did take him to be assessed privately as a child, but was dismissed as a 'silly middle class mother fussing because he's not the same as everyone else' (the words exactly of the cow who I paid to help him).

Lottielady - I'm in the same boat. My ex h definitely (I think) has ASD. I have 2 sons and one has ASD it is very clear to me. I spoke to his headmaster when he was about 8. I wasn't sure if I needed to do anything or not. My son was and is very bright academically so needed no support there. The headmaster didn't think i should do anything saying that everyone is on the spectrum somewhere etc. So i didn't pursue an actual diagnosis. I keep worrying thinking maybe I should have done, would it have changed things, I don't know. I've always pushed my son socially as he struggled with change, shyness, and he has really come out of his shell. But it is very clear to me that he has traits. He is due to head off to university which will be good for him.
I sort of think many people have traits and do just fine. I think I've left it too late now and if he wants to look into it as an adult then that's up to him. But then i think maybe i failed him, but what would a diagnosis have achieved in his case.

We have come to realise in the last year that my DH has asd, as does my DC

Shit mum award? Or perhaps Loving Mum award, for a mum who accepts her children's quirks and unique personalities?

I'm in a similar position, though I have come to the realisation a little earlier than you, and I refuse to beat myself up over it.

We love and cherish our dc, want the best for them, and that does not change as they grow up and leave home. We do the best we can with the knowledge and resources we have at the time. And these do change.

Whatdoyouknow you’re absolutely right. At the time my thinking was ‘label’ but I now know I was wrong, and that is where the guilt lies.

It’s very comforting to hear stories of people in the same boat. Thank you.

Nothing here is your fault, what’s more it doesn’t matter that your sons are probably on the spectrum.

Many people are ASD and they’re ok human beings. Some aren’t so nice but that is the same with the rest of us.

Don’t fret, love your sons and get on with life. 💐

They’re absolutely gorgeous people, I adore them and wouldn’t change a thing.

But their childhoods weren’t a picnic and I could have made it easier. That’s a bitter pill.

I have two children with an ASD diagnosis. One is an adult now but was diagnosed at infant school. The other is 10 and was diagnosed at nursery age. In our experience, a formal diagnosis is not a ticket to tolerance and understanding from others, especially in the workplace or in everyday life situations.

lottie you sound lovely ,I'm so sorry you feel that way about their childhood .

You adore them ,they will know that .Whatever you judge to have been wrong about their childhood you did what you could at the time .You couldn't have done more .

Talk to them about your regrets about their upbringing ,you don't have to bring the ASD into it .

Thank you peridito. I think I’m going to have a couple of beating myself up days though.

I really wouldn’t beat yourself up. Getting a dx doesn’t necessarily mean things would have been better. I have a nearly 18yr old who definitely has ASD but we’ve chosen not to get a dx. In fact we probably have other children with ASD but most probably will only proceed to dx with 2 of them... with our nearly 18yr old dd she does know that she’s probably got ASD but that’s come through discussions about siblings rather than a direct discussion about her.

It’s so interesting to hear how many others are in my position.

IME once you realise one person has it, their similarities with others becomes more evident.
One of my DCs has a dx. Since eventually accepting this and learning more about it, it has become clear that their dad is also on the spectrum. Tbh, that doesn't really help.

@PurplewithRed

i'm not good at expressing things but your post really touched me and I just wanted to say that I'm another here who's son sounds like yours .But he seems happy and the computer gaming thing can involve quite a lot of social interaction between the players .

That's cr*p that you had such an unhelpful response from a professional . The SENCO at my son's primary school said that while my son didn't hit it off with his peers he would be one of those who related to adults as he got older .I've not noticed this ,but she meant it not unkindly .Not that it was much help !

Chin up ,you're another loving mum and your son will have enormous benefit from that .

It's likely I would have had some horrible possibly traumatic ABA 'therapies' foisted on me.

If you're in the UK, that is highly unlikely.

I think maybe discussing the possibility with them may make the penny drop with them too and possibly stop them blaming themselves for things they think they should have had control over in the past? It may help them understand themselves more.
But first see what ds1s response is to his brothers recognition.

peridito my DS2 also has always got on better with adults. He never made friends at primary school, but when I discussed it with his teachers they seemed to think he seemed happy enough. He was always liked, but just couldn’t find any common ground with kids his own age.

He finally got a best friend in about y10, and a little gang in 6th Form.

Social Media helped him a lot too. It helped his peers see his wit and humour when it was hard for him to be himself face to face.

Oh, it has been hard.

In going through the process of getting my son diagnosed, I’ve realised that I most likely have asd too.
My mum said she’s always suspected something and was eaten up with guilt my whole childhood, in case it was something she had done wrong and by bringing it to someone’s attention I’d be removed from her (attitudes were very different in the 80s) but i don’t blame her for not realising or getting help - the info just wasn’t there.

My advice is to let your son investigate this on his own - with your help if he asks for it. And don’t beat yourself up! You don’t say how old your son is but there’s no guarantees his childhood would have been easier with a diagnosis - having that ‘label’ as a teenager in the 90’s might have even made things harder.

You do sound lovely.

Try not to stress.

Things have been difficult for me but that's made me the person I am...

In the words of Maya Angelou, when you know better, you do better but these things are only obvious from patterns & hindsight sometimes.

If you met me, you'd have no idea of any DX, it's just the long list of job issues, etc & living with me that'd you know.

The most useful thing for me has been finding people like me (albeit mostly virtual), after years of just feeling odd.

Support the one that is seeking help, try not to worry.