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Original poster

It’s just dawned on me that both my adult sons and my XH have ASD and I had no idea. Shit.

87 replies

lottielady · 19/02/2019 08:01

This is going to be very difficult to explain without being outing, so please bear with me.

Basically I came across something yesterday evening that led to a discussion with my DS2, during which he informed me that he suspects he has ASD.

Which led me to do a lot of reading.

I now believe both of my adult sons have ASD, and what’s more, so does my XH.

Which makes me feel like the worst person in the world. How could I not have known?

I did suspect with DS2, but for various reasons (mainly XH’s discouragement) I never pursued a diagnosis. Shit mum award. I could have made his life so much easier.

And do I broach the subject with DS1? He’s at uni, has a girlfriend, is brilliant - but there are traits that are going to make relationships hard for him and I’m terrified he’ll end up lonely like his dad.

Pennies dropping all over here. I feel just dreadful. What a failure.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottielady · 19/02/2019 09:02

DS2 is 18, his older brother is 20.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 19/02/2019 09:03

Does DS2 want to discuss it with his brother? I'd start there.

Don't worry. I was diagnosed with ADD as an adult and although it would have made my teens easier if we'd known then, I don't blame my mum at all. In fact she was incredibly supportive and encouraging without even knowing I had an issue, she just loves me for me, and that is the most important thing.

BertieBotts · 19/02/2019 09:05

I know there are others in my family with it so I broached it like "If this also sounds like you, come and talk to me - it's highly genetic apparently so it's not a remote chance."

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families SEN
peridito · 19/02/2019 09:09

lottielady how strange ,my son sounds similar .No friends in primary or secondary but a gang of 3 developed when he was about 18 .

They are a rather eccentric bunch ,involved in Live Action Role Play
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Live_action_role-playing_game and board games like Dungeons and Dragons .

More acceptable to be eccentric when older I think .

DustyMaiden · 19/02/2019 09:14

He’s at uni, has a girlfriend, is brilliant -

What more did you want to achieve?

You have obviously done well for your DS without a diagnosis.

BrizzleMint · 19/02/2019 09:15

Or perhaps Loving Mum award, for a mum who accepts her children's quirks and unique personalities?

This x 100.

Beckybibble · 19/02/2019 09:19

I'm a teacher of many children with ASD and I didn't realise my 16 year old son had ASD. I felt very guilty when he was diagnosed but now a year after a few people have said that as a parent you just see their character and accept them as they are (if that makes sense!)
At first we thought he was suffering from anxiety so he went to a CAMHS workshop whereupon the phycologist there diagnosed ASD. We were then given a pile of info on ASD and discharged. The psychologist said DS didn't have to tell anyone about his diagnosis and he should be able to understand why he finds social situations difficult, both of which are true.
I feel it's helping my son deal with life a little better since he was diagnosed so I would personally recommend getting a diagnosis if you think they are struggling with certain situations.

Best wishes

Original poster
lottielady · 19/02/2019 09:28

I’m so glad I started this thread, thank you all so much. You’re all so kind.

OP posts:
GaraMedouar · 19/02/2019 09:29

lottielady - you do sound a loving mum. And thank you for starting this thread. I have wanted to start a similar thread but i didn't know how to word it. My son also enjoys gaming, and has always had limited friendships, but now in the sixth form seems to have a little gang. It's nice to hear of others in a similar boat, I've always just considered my son a little special, a little different. I have beaten myself up over this, not knowing what to do. It was interesting watching the Chris Packham programme about his aspergers.

I actually feel a bit better this morning Flowers. Thank you to everyone's comments. Puts things into perspective.

Original poster
lottielady · 19/02/2019 09:30

DustyMaiden I think I’d have liked to have been a nicer mum. He was quite demand-avoidant as a kid and teenager and we clashed a lot. Maybe if I’d twigged I might have been a bit more understanding. Not perfect, but a bit more patient.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottielady · 19/02/2019 09:32

GaraMedouar I’m glad this thread has helped you. I must admit, I do feel a bit like someone has switched a light on.

Now how do I cope with the fact that XH is not a horrible controlling bastard, like I thought he was? I feel bad for abandoning him, now Sad

OP posts:
justilou1 · 19/02/2019 09:32

These diagnoses weren’t available then. They simply weren’t a “thing”! I suspect I would have been diagnosed as well when I was a kid. Not sure now though. Wonder how that works. Suspect I have taught myself more “typical” behaviours over time, but I get totally stressed if I don’t get “alone” time!

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 19/02/2019 09:49

Yep, it's called social masking, so if you have to do it a lot, that's when you have to be alone or have meltdowns, etc.

Learning stuff like this ^^ has helped me manage better.

The University of Derby have a free online course on ASD and ADHD.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 19/02/2019 09:51

Being horrible and controlling might be his coping strategy, it might not be a good thing to feel bad and leaving him, possibly better for the kids, who knows...

Having a DX can explain things, it shouldn't be an excuse.

Original poster
lottielady · 19/02/2019 09:56

I doubt XH has any inkling at all, and if it was even suggested, he’d go into flat denial.

Huge backstory, but any whiff of disability sends him into a panic.

OP posts:
Lweji · 19/02/2019 10:17

I would have been a better parent for sure. More understanding and patient.

I'm curious how a diagnosis would have made a big difference.
DS may or may not have spectrum traits, but as a parent I always try to respect his personality as well as guiding him.

As for your ex, ASD or not, you don't have to put up with horrible or controlling. I'm sure it's more than any condition he might have.

HappyHippy45 · 19/02/2019 17:30

Don't beat yourself up about it. Lots of 20somethings getting diagnosed along with a parent/both parents! I'm going through similar. Brought to my attention with some information/facts from my dd (24.) She is currently waiting for an assessment. Ds isn't interested in a diagnosis but doesn't dispute that he's "on the spectrum."
My ds I was fairly sure had traits when younger but in my head it was nothing out of the ordinary.
Big lightbulb moment for me. Explains SO many things about my behaviour, my dh behaviour and the difficulties my dd has had growing up.

Dh does not accept anything is "wrong" with him, me, ds or dd, says we all have stuff like that and won't discuss it much.

TaMereAPoilDevantPrisu · 19/02/2019 18:43

OP check out the thread on ASD partners on Relationships.

Original poster
lottielady · 19/02/2019 20:12

The worst thing is, DS2 also has a visual impairment, so this is a double whammy. I’m so sad for him.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 19/02/2019 20:35

Shrugs.

I have suspicions about me but do you know what? I’m fine. My life is pretty good. I see myself as “quirky” and quirky is actually pretty cool. Life is easier as an adult than it was as a child because I can be quirky. I can revel in being a bit quirky. People like me because I am a bit quirky.

I don’t think a diagnosis would have been helpful as a child or teenager. I don’t think I want to know now. I already know my brain is different to most people’s. Whether that is ASD or just the fact that I am actually just really really clever (or both!) I don’t care! I like my brain. It does stuff that most people’s can’t.

My parents did everything right. I am good.

Original poster
lottielady · 19/02/2019 20:38

mumof2youngkids I hope DS has your positive attitude in the end. At the moment he’s reeling a bit though.

OP posts:
Springiscomingsoon · 19/02/2019 22:00

Can I ask anyone more on how this affects them/their children socially?

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 19/02/2019 22:42

DS has autism, I think I’ve got it too, when I think back to it I think I’ve had it for years, no one ever questioned it so I never said anything. I’ve learned how to deal with it and that’s it.

Original poster
lottielady · 20/02/2019 09:09

springiscomingsoon it’s all a bit much for me at the moment so I’m bumping the thread in the hope that someone will come along and answer your question.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 20/02/2019 09:25

I'm in a similar situation. We always suspected it of DS1, 22, but it was only about 5 yors ago we realised DH is, too.

Socially, DS1 has one friend. He's decided that relationships (he's never had a gf/bf) are too stressful and too much hassle and that he's going to stay single.

DH has no friends. We are enough.