It’s just dawned on me that both my adult sons and my XH have ASD and I had no idea. Shit.

[lottielady]

This is going to be very difficult to explain without being outing, so please bear with me.

Basically I came across something yesterday evening that led to a discussion with my DS2, during which he informed me that he suspects he has ASD.

Which led me to do a lot of reading.

I now believe both of my adult sons have ASD, and what’s more, so does my XH.

Which makes me feel like the worst person in the world. How could I not have known?

I did suspect with DS2, but for various reasons (mainly XH’s discouragement) I never pursued a diagnosis. Shit mum award. I could have made his life so much easier.

And do I broach the subject with DS1? He’s at uni, has a girlfriend, is brilliant - but there are traits that are going to make relationships hard for him and I’m terrified he’ll end up lonely like his dad.

Pennies dropping all over here. I feel just dreadful. What a failure.

bigbluebus so lovely to hear about your son and his life.

All of these stories are so helpful to read, thank you all.

I’m not sure about tutors etc but my employer offers support to employees who ask for support with autistic traits regardless of formal diagnosis. We do not ask for proof of diagnosis at all. I am able to discuss with my manager that “x trait is causing me difficulties with y, can I please have z adjustment”. We recognise that the spectrum may be a little wider than people who are diagnosed or not and aim to be a workplace inclusive of all neurological differences, whether you have a piece of paper or not or whether you want to disclose or not.

Do tutors/managers etc have to take people seriously if they don’t have a full dx?
Would he still have access to help etc without an ‘official’ diagnosis?

I don't understand what you mean about taking people seriously?

If your son NEEDS for example a quieter work environment with non-fluorescent lighting and NEEDS to take regular breaks to keep his anxiety levels down, then his employer needs to see medical evidence that he has to provide those adjustments
www.gov.uk/reasonable-adjustments-for-disabled-workers

Without a diagnosis, his requests will be seen as WANTS, so the manager can just say yeah, well, we'd all like that, but I'm under no obligation to provide it so jog on.

Our family are (IMO) rife with ASD traits. My brother had it diagnosed, and I'm convinced my mother had it. DSis and I are very very similar in the issues we experience with social interaction and anxiety too, and we suspect it's not just because we're siblings as we only shared a home for 10 years. I strongly suspect DS2 is on the spectrum too.

The thing is, unless he is obviously experiencing problems then I'm reluctant to bring it up. I'll change my approach and mention to others that he's very particular etc, but I'm not sure a formal assessment would help him atm. I think it can sometimes be a judgement call.

FWIW, I wouldn't change myself as it's a part of my personality I have learned a LOT from MN about how to relate to people though. Like, it's been Human Behaviour 101

Yes, that’s what I meant, BlankTimes - so I guess it’s best to have a diagnosis.

user1471548941

Wow, you are so lucky to work there, I wish it was the same for all employers and employees, but think your workplace is the exception rather than the rule.

itscold thank you. It hasn't all been plain sailing by any means and it could still all come crashing down but for now he seems happy, which is all we hope for.

It does depend on the company- and what you ask for. DH's manager accepts it when DH says 'I'd find that really difficult, is there a way round it?'. I imagine he's more patient when DH looks grumpy about something, and more accepting of DH's at times somewhat direct way of speaking.

If he's gone to uni, that is definitely the place to get it assessed.

bigbluebus oh I’m sure it hasn’t at all, seems like we’ve had a similar experience, at 6 I was thinking we might have to get him a place at a special school, so now I just really try and remember how far he’s come and how lovely he is, I try not to worry too much, live in the moment and feel so grateful that his mental health seems very good and he is living his life like many other teenagers.

Please don't blame yourself for not realising sooner. As parents we can only go by what our 'normal' is. You don't have any comparison to make to help you judge if there is any underlying issues.

Both my mum and I have been in that position in the last six months. I felt guilty for not realising or pushing sooner for DD1's diagnosis of dyslexia, dyspraxia and mild ADHD.

And my brother has just had a formal dx of ADHD and dyspraxia. My mum didn't realise anything was up until he told her, and he's 40.

In both cases the dx (both had to be privately paid for) has made us as parents more patient and understanding. It is hard to not feel guilty but as a parent you do your best you can with the knowledge you have.

Thanks DinosApple. I guess as parents we think we can solve everything - but we can’t.