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Original poster

Partner of 4 year wont pay towards his own live in child

70 replies

Caroline19891 · 18/02/2019 15:44

Hello, I have been with my partner for 4 years, we have a daughter and we live together and have done from the start she is nearly 3 in June, I am embarrassed to say I'm pregnant and expecting another child in 8 weeks ( May ) it was not planned and I just feel huge amounts of guilt and embarrassment which has spoilt my whole pregnancy because he does not pay for his oldest child. He is an estate agent manager and is on over 2 grand per month, our rent is £300 a month courtesy of my uncle, which is the only bill he pays. I work part time and my income is £900 per month and ive always paid the childcare, council tax, tv licence, and everything related to our daughter ive paid for, ( bedroom, clothes, general up keep, days out you name it ) I guess this is more of a moan as every month he boasts he is skint every week is a struggle with him asking to borrow money off me, he receives his monthly pay then lives on take aways for 2 weeks then complains he is skint again until his next pay day, he has no car to pay for as its a company car and has loads of debt which I don't even think he pays. He has CSA payments every month to his eldest children who don't live with him and that's around 400 per month for both children. Has anyone ever been in the same situation, is there anyway I can get him to support his own child when he lives with her, he pinches milk and toilet roll from work unless I would say he brings home the milk. He buys food now an then but mostly for himself for work, he is a selfish individual, I resent him and we argue a lot. Can anyone give me some advice if they've been in similar situation or what shall I do. I tried to leave him so many times but I feel financially stuck even though I know I could do a lot better job on my own without the hatred in me. Any ladies experiencing this?

OP posts:

RiverTam · 18/02/2019 15:48

well, he's clearly a financially abusive cocklodger, which you seem to have identified. It's a shame you're expecting another child, I'll be honest there - how on earth did that happen? You're going to have to put on your big girl pants and take responsibility for these children and yourself and get yourself out of this relationship. He's not going to change - why should he? He's got it made.

CatToddlerUprising · 18/02/2019 15:48

Leave him. He’s not a responsible father to his two first children. He’s not a responsible father the the first born you share and he definitely won’t be to your newborn. He won’t change. And it sounds like he will/is becoming financially abusive towards you. I have an aquaintance who has 4 children with one women and in between those he has another 3 scattered across the country. Plesse think about being by yourself with your two children

CatToddlerUprising · 18/02/2019 15:49

If it’s your uncle’s property- kick him out and ask your uncle to have you solely on the tenancy agreement so you can change the locks, put in a claim for maintenance etc

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Relationship problems

CatToddlerUprising · 18/02/2019 15:50

Sorry- keep posting and forgetting to add. With regards to the acquaintance I have, he doesn’t pay for any of his 7 children. The emotional damage he has done to all the women and children is vile.

Original poster

Caroline19891 · 18/02/2019 16:02

I definitely need to give my head a shake and pull up my big girl pants up, I agree!!! Whenever I bring up money he kicks and screams and calls me names, I have been waiting for £20 since last October I asked him to buy his daughter a new mattress, I have stuck to my guns and not give in and bought one myself, this has whats made me ask for advice today ive had enough, just today he has been calling me a sket saying my lifes falling apart and being abusive because I asked him for the £20 again, he shouts that i want everything now and that I'm impatient even though I have brought this subject up several times since last October only to be shut down, I have applied for council housing and I'm currently in band 4 which is the least prioritised band because I am classed as not homeless. With regards to it being my uncles house, because he works in the estate agent industry he reckons I don't have any rights to the house since he's been paying direct debit £300 per month into my uncles bank account that he's legally paying the rent, not sure of my rights though as I pay council tax. I have just got my uncle to do me a tenancy agreement with just my name on it but not sure what i'm gunna do with it, confused as to what to do as I don't think i'll win. I reached out to a solicitor but she said I wouldn't get legal aid and would have to pay which I cant afford right now, I've openly told him over 6 months now to move out but he is staying put. He is an emotional blackmailer and over the past year I have lost myself and my mental health has gone pear shaped hense the name calling because he does this to me then calls me names. Oh dear, its like living in hell, I really do need to leave

OP posts:

RiverTam · 18/02/2019 16:04

no, he needs to leave and as it's your uncle's house and now only your name on the tenancy presumably your uncle can get him out?

DaisyDreaming · 18/02/2019 16:06

If it’s your uncles house he gets to choose who lives in it!

GreenTulips · 18/02/2019 16:08

You have atenancy agreement in your sole name
Now tell him he’s moving - do t ask - tell him
If he won’t go ring the police and ask them to remove him from your property
Invite large male friends round to help you get the message across if necessary
Pack his things and send them to his mothers
Do it

slipperywhensparticus · 18/02/2019 16:09

Umm his name isn't on the tenancy he needs to leave it's nice he is giving your uncle money but it really makes no difference ignore him being in the estate agent business its bullshit unless he is your landlord pack his shit tell him to leave when he kicks off call the police make sure you have spare locks in the house to change yours

AdaColeman · 18/02/2019 16:09

Get rid of him, and immediately start to claim child maintenance from him paid via his company.

You really do not need this waste of space in your life.

Original poster

Caroline19891 · 18/02/2019 16:10

He won't go, the police have been called several times as he has took drugs in the house ( cocaine in the bathroom ) to which ive rang the police, the police have openly said to me when they've came out to the property I have to go to my Mams with my child as he has no family here ( im from north east he moved up from Essex ) ive lost confidence, even my family have been trying to help me move with no clue what to do, my uncle has just said if he stays he will have to put the rent up, strange one. Ive tried to lock him out before but it doesn't work he tries to smash the door in, I end up giving up and going to stay at my mams, which isn't practical at all. I basically live upstairs and he lives downstairs and sleeps on the sette everynight, I just want rid arghhhhhhh

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 18/02/2019 16:11

Get your uncle involved and see what happens

And stop being with him

NotANotMan · 18/02/2019 16:12

You aren't married. Get your uncle to serve notice on your tenancy and write you a new one on your own. Change the locks and call the police if he turns up. Then make a claim for maintenance through the CMS.

MimiSunshine · 18/02/2019 16:14

Ok who’s ne is on the tenancy agreement? Is there one?

If there is one and both of you are on it then uncle gives you both notice to leave as per the agreement notice period.
Then you stay and take up a tenancy agreement in your name.

If just his name, well same applies really.

If no agreement. Uncle gives notice to not so DP to leave of 1 week or if you and uncle feel generous 01.03.19 so he gets a pay day in first.
Then as above, you stay and open CSA case on DP / exDP plus put in a claim for housing benefit

Octofraughts · 18/02/2019 16:15

It doesnt matter who paid the rent. It's a rental contract so the landlord can evict tenants if they want to. Your horrible partner wouldn't have a claim on the house as it's not his and he hasn't been paying the a mortgage - it's a rental.
What other support do you have? Honestly, now is the time to marshall everything you have in terms of family, friends etc and get rid of this awful.person. Then get the proper Child Support in place. You'll be finiancially and emotionally MUCH better off. Don't let your children see you bowed to this disgrace of a human. Show them your strength.

MsSquiz · 18/02/2019 16:16

If he believes he has tenants rights at the property, get your uncle to give him notice. That way it doesn't matter who has been paying the rent.
Then get a new tenancy agreement in your sole name.

You will then have less council tax to pay (single person), and speak to someone about any benefits/tax credits you would be able to claim, and don't forget the maintenance he will need to pay for his children too

youarenotkiddingme · 18/02/2019 16:17

He needs to go.

You'll be better off!

His CSA money will cover the rent.

The rest you pay for anyway!

And you'll get means tested support if it's required for childcare.

Don't beat yourself up for the choices you made. Be proud of yourself for realising what he's like and have the strength to go.

Longdistance · 18/02/2019 16:19

That’s where his money is going. He’s shovelling that shit up his nose. He’s a shit dad and shit partner, and he needs to go ASAP.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 18/02/2019 16:19

You can show the tenancy agreement to the police to prove it’s your house and not his. They will remove him.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 18/02/2019 16:20

Oh and if he’s really an estate agency manager he’s on more than 2k a month.

Yippeee · 18/02/2019 16:25

Is he only paying the rent because he knows that gives him rights? I don’t get why he pays that and nothing else.

Hidingtonothing · 18/02/2019 16:26

Was there ever a tenancy agreement with his name on it OP or did you just not have one before the new one in your name only? Him paying a direct debit gives him no legal rights whatsoever, only a tenancy agreement does that so if he never had one you can just pack his stuff up, leave it outside (or with a friend/relative of his if you're feeling kind) and change the locks.

If you need more reassurance try calling Women's Aid or Rights of Women, they will confirm that his threats are just that and he doesn't have a legal leg to stand on. Don't let him bully you into submission by sounding like he knows what he's talking about, get the facts and call his bluff.

This relationship does sound abusive and abuse can escalate when they feel they're losing control so be mindful of that and do things in the safest way for you, Women's Aid can help you make a plan to get him out without putting yourself at risk. I know that sounds alarmist but some of his behaviour sounds worrying and it never hurts to be careful

jay55 · 18/02/2019 16:26

As your uncle to serve your partner notice.

Original poster

Caroline19891 · 18/02/2019 16:30

Thanks, ive took photos of your replies and i'm going to read them all over and over again, I need to stop being soft and feeling sorry for a shit bag! I am the only name on the tenancy and now I know I can use that i'm going to use it to my advantage. Yeah he only pays the rent, he believes that will give him rights so I'm sure that's the reason he pays this. He puts some money on the lec as do I every month because its pay as you go but that's stretching it. He only has one bill. You're right, why should I be the one to move with 2 kids, I'm the only pne that's invested money into that house i.e gardens, new carpets etc, he is a dosser and I need to sort my life out like he says and get shot of him.!

OP posts:

Jaxhog · 18/02/2019 16:31

Wow! He won't support his own child? I'd suggest a sum equivalent to what he would have to pay if he didn't live with you. That would be a MINIMUM. Or, preferably, just chuck him out. He needs to focus on his responsibilities rather than his rights.

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