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Original poster

Considering cutting my sister out of my life because of her husband

74 replies

anon123321 · 16/02/2019 16:38

Basically he has always been very inappropriate towards me in a sexual way, because of this I cut him off from my life completely a few years ago. My sister decided to "bring him" back to my life" by bringing him to a party and not telling me he was coming, I was polite towards him but that was it... since this day he waits for me to finish work and basically follows me everywhere, asks me personal questions, makes comments about how attractive I am and begs me not to tell my sister, he also asked me if I was seeing anyone. Any other person would tell him to f* off at this point, unfortunately I am incredibly shy, so instead I get extremely anxious and try to change the conversation. I have been avoiding him lately and he noticed it, last time something similar happened he was extremely violent and rude towards my whole family (that's when I cut him off my life, surprisingly my sister blamed for everything). Anyway I cannot deal with this again, I don't want to be put in this situation, I don't want to be in the same room as him and pretend I am fine. I understand that my decision will affect my whole family, but I don't actually care, as my anxiety is getting really bad because of him. Unfortunately I will have to cut my sister and the kids off my life too, otherwise this will be never-ending and if I told her the truth perhaps she would just blame me. Just wondering what would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 16/02/2019 16:42

I'd tell her, factually, list what he does, times and dates, coldly with bi emotion, and explain that you love her too much to be around a man who treats both of you like this,

As such, you'd love to maintain a relationship with the kids, and her, but you wish him out of your life for good.

Aardvarkitsabloodyaardvark · 16/02/2019 16:42

Does your sister actually know what's happened?

Hadalifeonce · 16/02/2019 16:44

If he is following you and hanging around, could you take some photographs of him lurking to back up what you tell your sister?

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Relationship problems
CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/02/2019 16:44

Have you told your family what he is doing to you?

Do take a deep breath and tell them. Then start telling him to fuck off. Maybe keep a diary and then show it the police and ask them to 'warn him off' and explain your options re no contact type orders.

Either way you can't continue like this, you have to put yourself first.

Best of luck finding real life support for this.

AbbieLexie · 16/02/2019 16:45

I'd go to the police for advice on how to manage this. Awful, frightening horrendous are just a few words that come to mind.

Original poster
anon123321 · 16/02/2019 16:47

I have never told anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
anon123321 · 16/02/2019 16:49

Thank you for all the replies, I really appreciate it

OP posts:
YorkieTheRabbit · 16/02/2019 16:53

You really need to tell people what’s going on. He won’t stop of his own volition as any normal mined person wouldn’t do it in the first place.

YorkieTheRabbit · 16/02/2019 16:53

Minded

CarolDanvers · 16/02/2019 16:58

I think this could escalate. I’m not being a drama queen. He clearly has a very unhealthy obsession with you and I think you need help with it. I would be informing the police.

SimoneStrasser · 16/02/2019 16:59

When you say he was extremely violent, what did he do ?

Qcng · 16/02/2019 17:00

This is crazy. He must come from some sort of culture where men get away with being sexual predators and women are expected to put up with it?

He needs to learn some manners, you and your sister need to not put up with his violent outbursts, tell him to get to fuck, don't abandon your sister make it clear she deserves better than this cunt.

ElspethFlashman · 16/02/2019 17:01

Write it all down. Dates and comments made.

Put it in a word file and if you do decide to go no contact with your sister, email it to her.

She may ignore it all, but a black and white factual recounting makes more of an impact than a stammering confused hesitant and tearful conversation that she will only half recall afterwards.

Aridane · 16/02/2019 17:02

You can’t just cut her off without telling her why!

ScrambledSmegs · 16/02/2019 17:03

He's taking advantage of the fact that you haven't told anyone. It doesn't matter that he's married to your sister, what he's doing is stalking you.

Paladin or the Suzy Lamplugh Trust can give you advice and support.

over50andfab · 16/02/2019 17:07

Unfortunately he is taking advantage of your shyness and thinks you won’t do anything about it.

It’s a bit weird what you write about his being violent towards the whole family - it’s almost like blackmail, or a culture thing? How can he follow you everywhere without it being noticed?

You do really need to say something. You can’t continue like this - and shouldn’t have to.

PostmanPatIsIncompetent · 16/02/2019 17:09

This is crazy. He must come from some sort of culture where men get away with being sexual predators and women are expected to put up with it?

So, any and every culture?

dustarr73 · 16/02/2019 17:11

Go to the police.Seriously im not one for for being dramatic but i really think you need to get this out in the open.

SimoneStrasser · 16/02/2019 17:14

You cut him out of your life then your sister decided to ‘bring him back’, so she knew he had a negative impact on you but she didn’t know why?

Have I got that right?

Creatureofthenight · 16/02/2019 17:14

Hi OP
You can report this to the police at your local station or via 101. You can also look on your local force’s webpage for info. As mentioned above, the Suzy Lamplugh Trust has info and support as does Women’s Aid.
Please tell your sister the truth, she deserves to know.

PtahNeith · 16/02/2019 17:18

He must come from some sort of culture where men get away with being sexual predators and women are expected to put up with it?

You mean like the UK? Because that sounds like a perfect description of our cultural norms.

The National Stalking Helpline are really good if you want info and advice. Stalkinghelpline.org

It is also possible he's doing this to isolate your sister.

Original poster
anon123321 · 16/02/2019 17:19

over50andfab he was violent towards the whole family, because we were all on holiday together, he got mad that he was being ignored by me and completely lost his mind, he swore in front of the kids, offended me and my parents and even my sister and the kids, all of this in front of strangers, he then left and went somewhere for a few hours, later came back to our resort, feeling all sorry. My sister blamed me for all that happened. When I say he follows me everywhere, what I mean is that he waits for me to finish work, then wherever I go he will go and asks question etc. Last time I noticed he was waiting for me, I changed direction and went through a different direction, he followed me (he is on a bike all the time by the way), he crossed the road which I was going to cross too, but traffic lights changed so I had to stop, but he was already on the other side ( I pretended I didn't see him, by pretending I was busy on my phone). Anyway since he was already on the other side of the road, I turned around and went again through another road. He then started shouting at me through across the road to get my attention, I just ignore him, but he knows I saw him. I just had enough of this

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 16/02/2019 17:22

He’s stalking you, you need to get the police involved.

SimoneStrasser · 16/02/2019 17:23

Tell your parents and sister and get it out in the open, he’s a twat who thrives in your reluctance to say what he’s doing to you.

Haffdonga · 16/02/2019 17:23

So, you'd prefer to cut your sister off with no explanation to her or your family and never talk to her again (so they will never understand why and presumably be deeply hurt) rather than tell the truth that her husband is a creep.

I'd say that's fairly unreasonable of you.

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