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Original poster

Considering cutting my sister out of my life because of her husband

74 replies

anon123321 · 16/02/2019 16:38

Basically he has always been very inappropriate towards me in a sexual way, because of this I cut him off from my life completely a few years ago. My sister decided to "bring him" back to my life" by bringing him to a party and not telling me he was coming, I was polite towards him but that was it... since this day he waits for me to finish work and basically follows me everywhere, asks me personal questions, makes comments about how attractive I am and begs me not to tell my sister, he also asked me if I was seeing anyone. Any other person would tell him to f* off at this point, unfortunately I am incredibly shy, so instead I get extremely anxious and try to change the conversation. I have been avoiding him lately and he noticed it, last time something similar happened he was extremely violent and rude towards my whole family (that's when I cut him off my life, surprisingly my sister blamed for everything). Anyway I cannot deal with this again, I don't want to be put in this situation, I don't want to be in the same room as him and pretend I am fine. I understand that my decision will affect my whole family, but I don't actually care, as my anxiety is getting really bad because of him. Unfortunately I will have to cut my sister and the kids off my life too, otherwise this will be never-ending and if I told her the truth perhaps she would just blame me. Just wondering what would you do in my situation?

OP posts:

lilraven · 16/02/2019 18:37

When you see him get your phone out and put it on record every time. Then you can show the police/your sister how he stalks you and if he says anything it will be recorded.

Belenus · 16/02/2019 18:40

He must come from some sort of culture where men get away with being sexual predators and women are expected to put up with it?

So pretty much any culture at any time then, up to and including the UK today.

OP you do need to keep a record of this and report him. As pp have said you would benefit from support from the proper organisations.

Sparkletastic · 16/02/2019 18:51

Agree that you must film / sound record every time this happens. Gather your evidence then show it to your sister and family.

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Relationship problems

Haffdonga · 16/02/2019 18:55

I know I should tell my sister, but I'm scared of her reaction

Yes, she might be hurt, angry, blame you, be furious etc. She might not believe you or she might believe you but decide to stay with creep BIL anyway. Then you can cut him and her out of your life for good reason and he will never be able to stalk you again without everyone knowing because you have exposed him.

If you decide not to say anything and just go no contact she might be hurt, angry, blame you, be furious etc just the same reaction. But she will never be able to make that choice of believing you or not.

And you will never be able to escape him because you are covering up for him.

deadliftgirl · 16/02/2019 18:56

It is a bad idea to cut your sister out of your life when she has no idea what is going on. This is your sister and you should be thinking about how this is affecting her as well? I know its very uncomfortable for you and he is a very angry and abusive person but if he is doing this with you he is most likely doing it with others and walking all over your sister without her knowledge.

Please tell her and your family and then in future your sister will not get the blame.

PickAChew · 16/02/2019 19:03

What would make me reluctant to cut my sister out, in this situation, would be wondering how he treats her behind closed doors.

You can't keep it a secret, though. Theresa danger that he could get cockier and take it further. Tell your parents. Whether they support you or not get advice from the police or one of the organisations already mentioned. This man is creepy and most likely quite dangerous.

PersonaNonGarter · 16/02/2019 19:06

What is stopping you tell your parents? What is stopping you telling the police?

Aridane · 16/02/2019 19:19

If I were your sister I would be hurt - hurt that it had been going on for a decade (!) and that you hadn't told me

Original poster

anon123321 · 18/02/2019 09:59

Thanks for all the replies, I've decided I'm going to tell my sister as I cannot let him get away with this any longer

OP posts:

Tatiannatomasina · 18/02/2019 10:01

Go to the police and report him for harassment. Your sister will do nothing if her past record is anything to go by.

SimoneStrasser · 18/02/2019 10:05

Hope it goes ok, hope you tell your parents too.

ScabbyHorse · 18/02/2019 10:10

Definitely make a log of dates etc too

ohfourfoxache · 18/02/2019 10:14

Well done, you’re doing the right thing

Drogosnextwife · 18/02/2019 10:14

He is stalking you bit what I don't understand is, why did he stop because you decided to cut him out your life and only start again when he saw you at a party? How did you cut him out the first time?

TougheningUp · 18/02/2019 10:53

Don't tell your sister first. Tell the police, so that you have some protection.

All he'll do is twist things round and blame you, and put a wedge between you and your sister and make things harder for you both.

mummmy2017 · 18/02/2019 10:57

If you see him outside work, phone your sister right there and then, say why is your husband here?
Take phone and send it too her..
Repeat each time

Patchworkpatty · 18/02/2019 11:19

*He must come from some sort of culture where men get away with being sexual predators and women are expected to put up with it?

So pretty much any culture at any time then, up to and including the UK today.*

This is such a stupid politically correct remark and spectacularly unhelpful. The poster in the first paragraph is trying to understand if there is a cultural dimension to this issue.
You don't have to be a rocket scientist to know that there are a NUMBER of cultures in our society that are heavily patriarchal. That apportion NO blame to Male sexual predators - the blame being entirely directed towards the 'shameless tempting female' . As you also know this type of Culture is almost universally related to particular religious groups and sects within those groups . Especially the fundermenal sectors of the Christian and Islamic religions.

Original poster

anon123321 · 18/02/2019 19:41

Tatiannatomasina Yes I think my sister will do nothing, to be honest, that's another reason why I'm thinking about cutting her out of my life too. I mean I'm going to be very clear that I don't want him anywhere near me, but what will happen in a few years? Will she just "forget" about it again and bring him along to another party?

Drogosnextwife I don't know why he stopped, but I guess it was the fact that I completely ignored him and refused any kind of contact. I've refused to go to birthday parties (for example my sisters or her dc), Christmas etc if he was there, for many years, all because of him.
Very rarely I saw him during those years and when I saw him, I acted like he wasn't there, I could see he was fuming though and full of anger! If it was up to me I would never speak to him again, or be anywhere near him, but my sister decided to bring him round mine without informing me, putting me in a awkward position and to keep the peace and to not ruin the party I said nothing and was polite to him. To be honest, I thought that perhaps he had changed, since so many years had passed. I'm older now, been through a lot the last few years and see things a bit different, definitely not putting up with this sort of behaviour.

Patchworkpatty Just to make it clear he is not part of that sort of culture.

Thank you to every single one of you that took the time to reply and for all the suggestions and support. Now I just need to find the right time to tell my sister

OP posts:

Belenus · 18/02/2019 21:35

This is such a stupid politically correct remark and spectacularly unhelpful. The poster in the first paragraph is trying to understand if there is a cultural dimension to this issue.

Anyone who uses "politically correct" as if it's an insult hasn't understood what that movement was trying to achieve. It's just a bigoted way to dismiss something by trying to turn it into an insult rather than understand it.

You don't have to be a rocket scientist to know that there are a NUMBER of cultures in our society that are heavily patriarchal. That apportion NO blame to Male sexual predators - the blame being entirely directed towards the 'shameless tempting female' . As you also know this type of Culture is almost universally related to particular religious groups and sects within those groups . Especially the fundermenal sectors of the Christian and Islamic religions.

Whilst UK culture is moving away from some of its more patriarchal influences, it is nonetheless far from perfect and still heavily patriarchal. It's too easy to dismiss this as if it's somehow connected to another culture and somehow assume that there's a white British culture that avoids problems found in BEM groups. Just take a look at some of the Ched Evans supporters and the way in which his victim was hounded. There is a horrific rape culture prevalent within white British society that assumes that women are commodities as much as any other culture on the planet.

If you try to claim this is a problem of other cultures, you are excusing and refusing to accept what is right under our noses. And indeed you're buying into the myth that rape culture is somehow something other, something the stranger does. It isn't. It's deeply interwoven into British culture.

username123321123 · 22/02/2019 20:50

What a strange man!

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 22/02/2019 20:53

Report him for sexual harassment. Because that's what he is doing regardless whether relative or not.

notyourkindofgirl · 22/02/2019 20:59

You need to tell your sister

WTFIsAGleepglorp · 22/02/2019 21:05

Police.

He is stalking and harassing you

Adeste · 22/02/2019 22:04

It might be beneficial to talk about this with a neutral outsider first, before you talk to your family. People who have a stake in the situation (like your sister) are unlikely to be, at least initially, a source of support. It’s not unlikely that it could take her time to process it. Even if she believes you completely, the information will be very destabilizing for her. Having a safe place to talk about this outside of your family might be very important.
Because it began when you were a teenager, I wonder if thinking about it tumbles you back into that vulnerable teenage headspace?
You have a lot of options here, regardless of the reactions and level of support from your family. Having a neutral space to explore those will help.

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