Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Considering cutting my sister out of my life because of her husband

74 replies

anon123321 · 16/02/2019 16:38

Basically he has always been very inappropriate towards me in a sexual way, because of this I cut him off from my life completely a few years ago. My sister decided to "bring him" back to my life" by bringing him to a party and not telling me he was coming, I was polite towards him but that was it... since this day he waits for me to finish work and basically follows me everywhere, asks me personal questions, makes comments about how attractive I am and begs me not to tell my sister, he also asked me if I was seeing anyone. Any other person would tell him to f* off at this point, unfortunately I am incredibly shy, so instead I get extremely anxious and try to change the conversation. I have been avoiding him lately and he noticed it, last time something similar happened he was extremely violent and rude towards my whole family (that's when I cut him off my life, surprisingly my sister blamed for everything). Anyway I cannot deal with this again, I don't want to be put in this situation, I don't want to be in the same room as him and pretend I am fine. I understand that my decision will affect my whole family, but I don't actually care, as my anxiety is getting really bad because of him. Unfortunately I will have to cut my sister and the kids off my life too, otherwise this will be never-ending and if I told her the truth perhaps she would just blame me. Just wondering what would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
hidinginthenightgarden · 16/02/2019 17:25

This is stalking and is a criminal offence. Tell him he needs to stop or you will tell your sister and go to the police!
Do you have his number? If you are afraid of comfrontation could you text him.

Original poster
anon123321 · 16/02/2019 17:26

He is british by the way and so is all of his family.

SimoneStrasser after the holiday situation, I cut him off my life and my sister (but my sister was only briefly, him was a good few years). My sister decided to bring him to something I was organising, she didn't tell me he was coming, so it was pretty awkward, since then my life changed again, because he doesn't leave me alone. In front of my family and friends he pretends to be "normal" is just when it's just me and him he is inappropriate

OP posts:
Original poster
anon123321 · 16/02/2019 17:29

I know I should tell my sister, but I'm scared of her reaction and scared she will blame me. Also scared of his reaction

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
lopdedop · 16/02/2019 17:32

Do you have a (male) partner? Brother/father that could meet you from work and have a word with him?

Happygolucky009 · 16/02/2019 17:32

You need to tell your sister what is going on and report him to the police.

Going nc with your sister is unlikely to affect his behaviour, but is deeply unfair to your sister and any children involved.

ShawshanksRedemption · 16/02/2019 17:32

I think you should tell your parents and get their support. Surely they must be wondering why you have cut him off? Don't they ever ask?

You don't have to put up with this, and I'll bet once this is blown out into the open, you'll feel better as he won't be able to hide behind a facade anymore. You deserve to live a life without fear OP.

Drum2018 · 16/02/2019 17:32

Tell your parents first and then together tell your sister. I'd also threaten the police on him. He's making your life hell yet you are letting him just to spare your sisters feelings. Fuck that! Put yourself first.

KatharinaRosalie · 16/02/2019 17:33

TELL YOUR FAMILY exactly what's been going on. You can't just cut off your sister without explanation.

flumpybear · 16/02/2019 17:33

You need to tell somebody - he sounds unhinged!

Atthebottomofthegarden · 16/02/2019 17:35

Anon he is doing this to make you scared, it’s a power thing. You need to talk to someone. Your Mum or a friend? Can you leave work with someone else?

I also think you need to ask him to stop following you and leave you alone, and that if he doesn’t you will tell your sister and/or the police.

badtime · 16/02/2019 17:35

Record him following you. Take video. Any time he says something inappropriate to you, get out a notebook and write it down with date and time. You will be collecting evidence, but you will also be scaring him, because he doesn't want anyone to know about this. You shouldn't be keeping his guilty secrets.

woollyheart · 16/02/2019 17:37

Can you tell your parents what has been happening? They would be mortified to think you were in fear and didn't ask for help.

Perhaps they can help you tell your sister and report it to the police.

This must come out into the open, or things will escalate and your sister will blame you for not letting her know what the problem is. Of course she will be upset. That can't be avoided really.

Jaxhog · 16/02/2019 17:38

Make a detailed record of every time he follows you or contacts you, including what he says and does.

Then present a copy to your sister. Tell her if he doesn't stop, you will be calling the police and reporting him as a stalker. Unless you think he'll get nasty, in which case go straight to the police. But that record of his actions is vital.

TougheningUp · 16/02/2019 17:39

Tell him to leave you alone, and keep a record of when you've told him, and how.

He won't, of course. He will continue to follow you. So you must record everything. Make notes of when he follows you, take photos and videos if you can. Put together as much detail as you can. And then tell the police, and tell your parents and your sister.

I bet your sister will refuse to believe you. He'll tell her you're the one stalking him, which is why you need to document as much as you can.

Whatever you do, don't engage with him. Don't talk to him, don't try to reason with him. Just tell him, once, that you don't want to see or hear from him again, then report him to the police.

PepsiLola · 16/02/2019 17:41

If you don't tell your sister or parents, you can't really change things?! Please speak out

purpleelk · 16/02/2019 17:50

Start filming him on your phone. Shout what are you doing here? Why are you following me? Film your interactions with him.

Honestly, I don’t know why others are saying you should phone the police. Your brother in law saw you in public, and shouted to get your attention and you pretended you didn’t see or hear him.

That’s not harassment.

Ravenesque · 16/02/2019 17:51

You say your sister blamed you previously. Did you tell her then what had happened, i.e. him coming on to you? If not then maybe you owe it to her to tell her. If you can't then you absolutely have to tell your parents. He is relying on your shyness and fear of being blamed to making your life an absolute misery. And yes, it is stalking and it needs to stop and you need help with this. Trusts that have been mentioned, police, etc, but please at least bring your parents into this. I'm sure that they wouldn't want you to be scared and suffering horrible anxiety because of this vile creature.

You need support. We can give it to you here, but it's not enough. Please put yourself first.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 16/02/2019 17:51

How old are you op? Were you young when he started targeting you? He is obsessed with you. Creepy fucker. Is there anyone you work with you could talk to?

Every time you see him outside work or following you a photo or video. As others have said, make notes of everything. If alone with him set your phone to record in your pocket to catch what he says.

And FFS tell your parents. This man sounds dangerous.

Mrskeats · 16/02/2019 17:53

He follows you? Police and preferably a restraining order. That’s creepy and potentially dangerous.

Original poster
anon123321 · 16/02/2019 18:06

Whatsnewpussyhat yes I was only a teenager when my sister met him and it started then, this was well over a decade ago

OP posts:
myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 16/02/2019 18:13

OP. As others have said, you need to start keeping a record of this.

You need to tell your parents

You need to get advice, as suggested from the Lamplugh trust or similar

You need to ring police on 101, report it so you have a case number and an official starting point.

You must do this to protect yourself. You can’t worry about your sister.

Aridane · 16/02/2019 18:14

Shit - get a grip - 10 years and you have put up with it and not told anyone. Tell your family.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 16/02/2019 18:16

Thought so. He targeted a shy teenager because he knew he would get away with it.
I also bet deep down that your sister knows he is a gobshite but is either too scared to confront him or pretends it isn't happening.

Time to put on your big girl pants and tell someone what has been happening and when it started.

AdoraBell · 16/02/2019 18:23

As pps have said, you need to report this to the police, and tell your family.

over50andfab · 16/02/2019 18:32

I wonder if he has or is doing this to others. I also wonder if his wife is also scared of him and finds it easier to blame you OP.