Care to share some jokes?

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Here's mine...

A sausage, a rather if bacon and a fried egg walk in to a bar. The bartender looks up at then and says, " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."

Badum-tish!

"Doctor, doctor, I've got a punnet of strawberries up my bottom"
"Don't worry, I've got some cream for that"

What do you call the Spaniard who leaves the hospital?

Manuel

I didn't realise my husband was The Motorway Kleptomaniac but when I got home, all the signs were there......

How do you make God laugh?

Tell him your plans.

Time flies like an arrow

Fruit flies like a banana

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the middle of the sea?

Bob

I told her she’d drawn her eyebrows too high, she looked surprised.

What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
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I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
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She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.
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A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
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No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
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A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
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A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
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Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
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A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
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I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass'
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The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
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The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
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A backward poet writes inverse.
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In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
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When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
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If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine
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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam! "
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron. "The other says, " Are you sure? “The first replies, " Yes, I'm positive. "
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
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There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.