Don't think I'm coping with newborn

[Gahrattwice]

I have a six week old. I don't think I am coping. I can't put her down for any length of time, or to sleep, she only wants to be lying on me. Including at night. I did not plan to co sleep but am having to do it as no choice. However even getting her to lie next to me in the bed is hard, she wants to be asleep on my chest which I know is risky. I have fallen asleep more than once like this though (which I feel horribly guilty about). I am so so very tired. Averaging around three hours broken sleep a day. I am trying to breast feed but that's not going so well, meaning I am also topping up with a bottle and pumping. Each feed takes forever.

She gets grumpy in the evening and cries, is writhing around and appears to be in pain/discomfort. I think it might be a wind issue. I can usually placate her by letting her use my boob as a dummy. This can last into the early hours.

I have tried:

Sleepyhead
Rolled up blankets
Putting my worn clothes into cot
Vibration chairs
Swing chair
Dummies (spits out)
Warming up cot/moses basket
Waiting twenty minutes after she has fallen asleep
Sling (have persuaded her into this once, and she did settle quite well, but has cried other times I tried)
Side cot
Infacol
Gaviscon (gave her constipation)
Colief

And probably other things I have forgotten.

I keep trying to get her to sleep in the sleepyhead/moses basket/cot with not much success, she seems asleep but then wakes up after ten minutes and cries, and I have to pick her up and try again. Am worried that she isn't getting nearly enough sleep because of this, and perhaps I should just let her sleep on me/hold her 24 hours a day. But then when do I sleep/eat/shower/poo? I am single so no partner. Was an unplanned pregnancy. I do have good support however, and friends and family that do what they can to help.

But I feel so sad. I am constantly on the verge of tears if not crying. I feel such a sense of dread of the nights especially as I know it'll be more hours of not sleeping for either of us. I don't think I like her very much.

Any words of wisdom or advice welcome.

It is the hardest job especially when you are a single parent.

Definitely ask for help, ring your HV and ask friends/family to help you at night.

I had a velcro baby, he had severe reflux so we had to prop his cot at an angle with official cot propping stuff as lying down was painful. It was incredibly hard to have a baby almost constantly attached.

Someone more helpful than me will be along in a min. Hang in there.

Thank you. I have tried proping cot with unofficial books. What's the official stuff?

This was me 18months ago its hell. Just go with it as much as possible my DD had silent reflux which was only noticed when she was failing to gain much weight because she messed with her bottles when we got some gaviscon from the docter it got slightly better she was still super clingy.

We co sleept a lot i even made a co sleeper from her cot took the side off and pushed it right up to my bed it was the same height exactly which helped.

For the shower pop baby in with you. I used to lay her on either a bath sponge support or just on the shower tray and we got one together.

Yep pooping was met with a cry but it was tough she just had to cry then.

Cooking got easier when baby could be held on my hip the things I can cook one handed is quite impressive.

as for house work ect....Sod it

I always offered lots of feeds too (bottle fed) if she was hungry sometimes even an hour after she was fed she was 100% worse

If you want to cry cry let it out if. Things will get better my DD is still a bit of a winge bag and a bit clingy but now she can toddle around and do her own thing watch moana 1000 times a day!

It is so so hard. And relentless. This will not be your life forever, I realise that doesn’t help right now but things will get better. In my opinion you are halfway through what I said to my midwife the “shitty bit”. It gets easier around 12 weeks, then again around 4 mnths, then again around 6 mnths etc.
Do you have a sling library near you? My first was a refluxer and we never managed the sling but with my second, another refluxer, I got some great help from a sling library and it saved me in the early days. I used a sling called mamaruga and it was a life saver.
I know that this is potentially a contentious viewpoint but don’t feel guilty about moving on from breast feeding if it’s hard. Your mental health comes first. I had to with my first and it was the beginning of the turnaround for me, things improved abit after that.
Where are you based? I can help you locate local support if you like.
How are you feeling in yourself? I know that’s a tricky question as the sleep deprivation makes you feel awful but still, do you feel anxious, scared and/or very very teary/hopeless? Keep an eye on that and seek help if you need it.
Don’t worry too much about the bond just yet. It will come. With my first love literally hit me like a ton of bricks around 10 weeks, the second has been a slower burner.
You are amazing, it is so so hard.

i meant 100% worse when hungry.

Thank you so much. It really helps to hear others that have gone through it and survivied. I do know it won't last forever but it just feels so intense right now that I can't see the future if you know what I mean. I feel very low and tearful and struggling to see any positives at all in anything.

I have been to breastfeeding support groups but keep getting inconsistent advice/info which is making me feel very confused. I will try a sling library, I think there is one nearby.

I am very near to switching to bottle only, I feel she is constantly hungry due to poor supply. Feel scared this won't actually help though. She was diagnosed with relfux but i'm not really sure she has this, was very rushed gp appointment and he just wrote a prescription for gaviscon. How can you tell if they have reflux?

Hi, my ds was like this and I suffered too. What done it for me was getting him a angel care breathing mat and he slept on his tummy. I know ur not ment to but it was either that or him sleeping on my chest on his tummy, so I picked the safer option. Does she prefer her tummy? And your doing great, it's really hard to tell what babies want. X

I have tried her on her tummy but she doesn't seem to like that any better! Or her side. I wish there was a way to make sleeping on me safe, then we both might get more rest

Signs of reflux are vomiting after food (although neither of mine did this a lot), relentless crying, grunting in their sleep, thrashing about, writher from discomfort, struggle to feed, etc etc.
It’s so hard I know exactly how it feels. What I did find with my second was that I did leave him to cry more than my first. Not loads, but I’d go to the toilet, make a cuppa, finish my shower, get dressed, take the washing out, make a sandwhich etc. Even if baby cries. This madea Hugh’s difference to my mental wellbeing compared with my first. The memory of me on the toilet (number two and episiotomy stiches) whilst desperately trying to breastfeed baby through bleeding nipples. I think I wailed more than the Bebe...I still shudder when I think back on those hard hard days. It’s so lonely. Keep posting for support.
What is she on for reflux? Gaviscone on its own is unlikely to cut it.

Hang on in there - as others have said you’re probably through the toughest bit. It WILL get better, bit by bit (and probably get a little worse, then get better again!).

In honesty, and I know it isn’t advised, but I used to sleep propped up on a v pillow with DS on my chest - it was the only way we got any sleep.

Also a stretchy wrap sling was a life saver during the day. If he was overtired he used to scream like crazy when he went into the sling but would then conk out - it might be worth persevering with the sling, it could be tiredness that is making her cry.

I think about 6/8 weeks my DS would fall asleep on my chest and I could roll him into the sleepyhead and as long as I lay right next to him he would stay asleep - that was a game changer! Eventually I could even leave him in the sleepyhead and walk away!

and the bond will come - I had a difficult time with DS2 at the start but the bond crept up on me and I love him more than I can say now.

It is worth speaking to your HV or GP if you feel you could have PND. But it is just really really hard at this stage.

Make as much as you can of the support you have, and hold on because there is light at the end of the tunnel very soon

When you’re going through hell, it’s best to keep going.

OP try not to lose heart, this wont last forever. Have you read about the 4th trimester?
www.babycentre.co.uk/a25019365/your-baby-and-the-fourth-trimester

This info might help you feel that things are fairly normal.

With regards to the feeding, has your daughter been checked for tongue tie?
This could be a reason for any difficulty feeding.
Do you feel confident she has a good latch? Check out YouTube for helpful videos.

Is she having regular wet and dirty nappies and gaining weight?
If yes, yes and yes then she is feeding and the early evening difficulty sounds like typical cluster feeding behaviour for her age.

Don’t be afraid to put her to the boob as often as you can. A lot is made of ‘not letting baby use you as a dummy’ but suckling is how baby increases your supply and puts their order in.

Above all else, keeping going, you’re doing well and incredibly strong to be going it alone. 6wks is prime growth spurt / development leap territory. It will pass

You are coping. The newborn days are hard. Wonderful, amazing...but hard.

Have you tried a soft sling? That will allow you to do things around the house whilst keeping the baby happy too. I find it a massive help.

I have so much empathy for you!
I gave up breastfeeding at six weeks as went through a similar situation. I remember trying to pump while sobbing on the phone to my friend and wondering what I was doing wrong, what was wrong with me, why I was so shit, if my DD would be better off without me....
She's now 9 and a delight. YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT.

This was me 11 yrs ago. Got completely dismissed by the GP when I tried to explain how much discomfort dd was in. In the end I took her to A&E in desperation and she was put on proper reflux medication, which, whilst it wasn't a magic wand, definitely helped. Gaviscon won't help on its own if your baby has proper reflux.

I felt like dd wasn't feeding properly as she wanted to feed literally all the time, but with reflux they do this as it can initially soothe the pain, but once the milk's starting to fill their tummy the acid comes back up and causes more pain, so it's a vicious circle. She also only slept when lying vertically on me or DP, so we were taking turns to sit up with her during the night. I can't imagine going through it on my own

Just bypass your GP and go to A&E for a proper assessment. Even just to know someone was taking my concerns seriously made such a huge difference to my sanity.

My Velcro baby from about 8 weeks would fall asleep in the pram- and stay asleep when we got home so I could have an hour to myself to tidy up, have a hot drink etc etc... up till 8 weeks he would not settle in the pram
At all but then started to like it- I found this easier than the sling as for a brief bit of the day he wasn't physically attached to me!
It helped that I was doing a school run for his sisters so I think started to slot into a morning routine as we were always leaving the house at the same time each day (I used to still take him for a walk in the pram at 830 on weekends just to get this bit of nap time !)
I found the first two months so relentless and felt permanently on edge ....it does get better especially around three months when they start to really show their personalities and you feel like you 'know' them

Thank you so much everyone, sorry if I don't reply to all, typing while pumping and bottle feeding unhappy girl!

Have been assessed for TT, been told there is a significant one, there is none,.and there is a small one - so that's clear! Got app at hospital in next week to get final assessment and snip if they deem needed.

She does like a lot during feeds and straight after. She seems to be uncomfortable a lot but this seems to often coincidence with her farting so maybe connected to that (her farts smell very bad as well). I think I will give the gaviscon another go, will use a smaller dose this time to try and avoid the constipation.

Urgh. Ok. I can do this I can do this I can do this.

Hi i have five children and a 7 month old grandchild so i can relate.
You can try a couple of things first go to your gp get baby looked at for collic or reflux baby may need a scripted or thickened formula.
The next thing i would do is buy a rocking bassinett and a clock the rocking and ticking combined will have baby sleeping without you in no time .
Its not safe to let baby sleep with you especially when yr so exhausted plus you need rest .
Hope all goes well

We’re three weeks in and in a similar position. White noise really helped last night but I can’t oredict it will help tonight!

I used this link from you tube:

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Also if you have support from family and friends be honest with them and tell them you could really use some help. Maybe they can come over and watch the baby so you can have a shower and a sleep. Try and set up some regular help times if at all possible so you know you will be getting regular help which helps with stress. You can also contact Homestart which is a volunteer service for parents with young children where a volunteer comes once a week to give you practical support and help. The early days can be so isolating so don’t be afraid to ask for any help going!

Thank you! I tried white noise before with no luck, but noticed when I had the hairdryer on yesterday (my sister came to help so I got to wash my hair!) she seemed to calm down. So I have been trying much louder white noise today, and it possibly has helped, will try tonight in bed.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the replies, this is the time of night I start with the dread and reading all your kind words and ideas has helped loads. Well done to everyone else who has/is going through similar. It really is the hardest thing I've ever done by a long shot.

You are doing amazing you poor thing.
I had a reflux baby who was sick after every feed. But it can be silent too (meaning all the discomfort for them without the vom).
Colic too I think.
I can only say it will pass.

First off I’m on my second baby who is 11 weeks old. I take my hat off to you, I don’t know what I’d do if I was a single parent... you’re coping better than me! Well done!!!

I am incredibly pro breast feeding but this time round I bottle fed. I do find it easier than breast feeding but I guess you’d need to wash bottles sterilise etc. What I mean to say is that if breast feeding isn’t working for you, don’t feel guilty about bottle feeding. I breastfed my first for 13 months but this time round I am glad I am bottle feeding. Do what you need to do!

If you do want to continue with breastfeeding then remember 6 weeks is a prime growth spurt time and it’s really hard. Really really hard!

Have a 10 minute shower.. if she cries for 10 minutes it won’t do any lasting damage. Obviously try and avoid leaving her to cry.. but if you need a few minutes away to calm yourself then that’s ok too.

Can you arrange this weekend for someone to come over and have her for 2-3 hours and sleep? Everything’s so much worse when youre tired!

You’re doing amazing. Well done

Newborns are arseholes. They have to be cute or people would simply give up. Have you got a baby wrap or sling or anything? I had to sleep upright with dd on me. I barricaded myself with cushions and pillows and slept that way. I had a firm v shaped pillow. It isn't ideal, but coping on 3 hours sleep, particularly when on your own, is impossible.

It does get better. By 12 weeks I could lay her down whilst asleep.

My first was like this. Have you worked out how to breastfeed lying down? That was a big help, cos you can just roll away Don’t give up breastfeeding, you’re through the worst bit of it. In fact, you’re halfway through the most difficult 12 weeks so you’re doing brilliantly.

I agree with what others have already said, especially the newborns are arseholes bit! You're doing an amazing job! Especially all on your own.

Mine is coming up five months now, and we've definitely turned a corner but it's been such a slog. Do whatever gets you through the day. They won't die if you need to leave them for ten minutes for a shower alone. It gets easier!!! I promise!

With the white noise, I found this with my daughter when she was so wound up from tiredness and couldn't stop screaming. I'd hold her close against my body and play white noise at the loudest setting on my phone held in my hand. It's like the loud noise hit reset for her, and she'd calm right down and conk out immediately. My daughter would only sleep on me for the first couple of months too. Hence her constantly being over tired and screaming. She now settles in her side sleeper quite happily. Again, it all gets better! And everything is a phase.