Don't think I'm coping with newborn

[Gahrattwice]

I have a six week old. I don't think I am coping. I can't put her down for any length of time, or to sleep, she only wants to be lying on me. Including at night. I did not plan to co sleep but am having to do it as no choice. However even getting her to lie next to me in the bed is hard, she wants to be asleep on my chest which I know is risky. I have fallen asleep more than once like this though (which I feel horribly guilty about). I am so so very tired. Averaging around three hours broken sleep a day. I am trying to breast feed but that's not going so well, meaning I am also topping up with a bottle and pumping. Each feed takes forever.

She gets grumpy in the evening and cries, is writhing around and appears to be in pain/discomfort. I think it might be a wind issue. I can usually placate her by letting her use my boob as a dummy. This can last into the early hours.

I have tried:

Sleepyhead
Rolled up blankets
Putting my worn clothes into cot
Vibration chairs
Swing chair
Dummies (spits out)
Warming up cot/moses basket
Waiting twenty minutes after she has fallen asleep
Sling (have persuaded her into this once, and she did settle quite well, but has cried other times I tried)
Side cot
Infacol
Gaviscon (gave her constipation)
Colief

And probably other things I have forgotten.

I keep trying to get her to sleep in the sleepyhead/moses basket/cot with not much success, she seems asleep but then wakes up after ten minutes and cries, and I have to pick her up and try again. Am worried that she isn't getting nearly enough sleep because of this, and perhaps I should just let her sleep on me/hold her 24 hours a day. But then when do I sleep/eat/shower/poo? I am single so no partner. Was an unplanned pregnancy. I do have good support however, and friends and family that do what they can to help.

But I feel so sad. I am constantly on the verge of tears if not crying. I feel such a sense of dread of the nights especially as I know it'll be more hours of not sleeping for either of us. I don't think I like her very much.

Any words of wisdom or advice welcome.

You are doing so so well. Honestly, we all struggle a bit and to be doing it by yourself must be so hard.

You are also breastfeeding, also not easy and with a colic baby. Please be kind to yourself sounds like you are doing a wonderful job!

I remember feeling so tiered and just a bit shocked I think. I kept hearing ppl say oh it gets so much better after 12weeks. I kept thinking WTF, I can't do this for 12 weeks! To be honest it goes in a flash and will get better and you'll start really enjoying being a mum.

Another voice to say it will get better. Hang on any way you can. Do not feel guilty about making decisions that get you through. For me, it was bottle feeding at 6 weeks. Was just far too exhausted to pump, prepare bottles and keep trying to breastfeed (badly). I also used ready-mixed cartons of formula at night and fed at room temperature so just ready by the bedside - i wastes hours of sleep before I eventually hit on this system. Would do it much quicker next time. Quitting also meant I didn’t have to get myself to bloody bf support group meetings anymore either. Don’t clean. Watch telly. Eat microwave dinners and easy healthy stuff like grapes. Get in the bath together. The fact that you even care how you are coping puts you way head of the curve. Lots of love to you.

I WOULD give up breastfeeding (but then I didn’t do it at all either time). It will take a massive weight and stress off your shoulders, hopefully lessen the tiredness a bit. There is far too much pressure on women to breastfeed. You have done a few weeks and that is be most nutritious - formula is absolutely fine, don’t beat yourself up about it. I hope it starts to get a bit easier for you soon

I didn’t suggest keeping up breastfeeding because it’s better than formula. It’s just that once you get through the first couple of months it’s easier than formula. A waste to do the hard bit and not get to do the easy bit!

You poor thing This all sounds so familiar. It is hellish.

I found infant Gaviscon impossible to get into my (breastfed) DS and lots of people think it’s shite anyway. Ranitidine in a wee syringe was much better. Learning to feed lying down and bed share safely saved my life or at least my sanity. I used to hold DS upright in my arms all night until DH took over for an hour and a half at 5 before going to work. I remember so well desperate need to sleep and the fear of dropping them when you fall asleep holding them. That was hard enough and I wasn’t on my own - please take up the offers of help from friends and family, you need your sleep.

You are doing so well. You are looking after your wee one so well, you need looking after too.

I had the ultimate velcro baby...its HARD op, and doing it alone you are amazing. I used to wedge myself upright with pillows & cushions around me & under my arms so i couldn't move & just sleep with baby on my chest. I know its not recommended but what else was i meant to do..not sleep at all...id have gone insane! At 12 weeks he suddenly decided he could sleep next to me & not on me!

You are coping. It's just hard. Ime white noise has to be LOUD. The hairdryer/Hoover worked well for me when ds2 was small. He had silent reflux. I spent 2 weeks "sleeping" propped up on my parents sofa with him on my chest, upright. I know it wasn't safe but it was the ONLY way he slept. Massive improvement when he was prescribed ranitidine.

I recommend a sling, it will keep her upright (which will help reflux) and you can go for a slow walk while she sleeps. Also try an old fashioned bouncy chair which you can boing with your do it as you sit on the sofa.

I had a "wedgehog" cot wedge with the sleepyhead on. This worked really well.

I think it really helps to get her to sleep however you can, at this stage. So that she comes to expect it at certain times. I'd also persevere with a dummy. It was a game changer for ds2. I was against dummies with ds1 and lived to regret it.

It's ok OP. You're doing fine.
Why are you getting out of bed? You need to grab some sleep. Take everything you need upstairs.. including food and drinks. Go to bed for a couple of days. Put on warm PJs so you just need a light blanket so it's safer to have the baby next to you in bed. Then just grab sleep whenever the baby sleeps. I'd say forget about the cot for now. It's just added stress.
I know you can't do that forever but just couple of days to catch up on sleep.
This won't last forever. You will sleep again OP.
And don't worry, all the other things you mentioned are because of sleep deprivation.
Life will become manageable again...But for now just relax. It's ok not to be ok.

It's so nice to hear from others that have been through the the same, thank you all so much. It is just all so overwhelming I feel like I can't catch hold of my emotions sometimes and get scared I am going to spiral. But all your suggestions and kindness have made me feel better.

I do have a stretchy sling, am going to persevere with it. I will ask the GP again for something other than gaviscon, I did mention Ranitidine to him last time but he was reluctant to prescribe, will push for it. Ready made formula by the bed is a great idea!

The breastfeeding, I am going to make a decision on whether to stick with it or not after final tongue tie assessment next week. If it's not a TT or can't be snipped I think I will move to full formula. I don't really know why I have stuck so stubbornly to the breastfeeding, I wasn't that bothered about it before, but since it hasn't gone right I have got really bloody minded about it. There is nothing wrong with formula at all, I know this!

It's reassuring to hear it's ok if she cries for a few minutes while I do things I need to do, have been panicking when it happens but I know she's safe.

Have got into bed with her now, will try and get her into the sleepyhead. I am.armed with dummies. Fingers crossed!

I still sometimes sleep with ds on his back on my chest/stomach because he just won't settle back in his cot. The first six or twelve weeks are the 'dark days'; you will come out the other side. I remember that feeling, it honestly passes. Just keep on keeping on and reach out for all or any support you can find.

My 3rd baby didn't lie to sleep flat. I think she found it uncomfortable. We rolled up a small towel and put it under her knees so her legs were bent up. She liked that a lot better and slept much more soundly.

Like, not lie

Cacoonababy (redcastle) saved my life. Only thing mine would sleep in it’s slightly elevated and really holds them in snug. Mine sounds identical to your little one. He is 8 months old now and we don’t use it anymore- i would gladly send it to you if you PM me your address as they are really expensive and I would love to see mine help another bubba x

it was high enough to co sleep with too so made me relax more when I had no choice but to sleep next to him. No way I could have rolled onto it!

Yeah this sounds like my babies too, none of them have liked to be put down ever. It’s not easy at all. Things that have helped me have been; a sling, breastfeeding lying down (I sleep while they feed), realising sometimes it’s ok to prioritise myself like putting them down so I can get showered, realising it’s ok to prioritise them and just feeding and watching boxsets instead of housework (I can recommend Santa Clarita diet, the handmaids tale and the good doctor). I hope things get easier soon.

Oh OP... we’ve had major success tonight with tilting the cot and playing white noise and I CAN’T BLOODY SLEEP

I hope you’re faring better!

Oh OP - it is so hard. You WILL be making enough milk for her if. Trust your body and ditch the top up formula feed. She isn’t using you as a dummy - she is cluster feeding to try to build up your supply.

My DD was the same so I just let her be on me as much as possible including cosleeping. You will get there

You've described my first baby! I wanted to punch people who said this will pass but it did and it will!

Some practical advice

• pram and long walks were very helpful if baby associates pram with sleeping it can become a useful aide ... if I couldn't cope I'd take her out a walk no matter what time it - was
• cry and moan as much as you like a baby like this is unbelievably hard.
• leg cycling can help with this general colicky behaviour can help as can massage
• try a routine bath, cuddle, feed, song this will be useless to you just now but - this will pay off eventually. My nightmare child starts yawning as soon as she hears twinkle twinkle.

You're doing great ❤️

DD2 was very similar. She had a tongue tie and my supply issues improved within days of it being snipped. So I would say hang on (if you can) with the breastfeeding for a couple of weeks since you have an appointment. As others have said it is much easier in the longer term if you can breast feed.

I had problems with advice on bf too- different advice from different people. I think there isn’t just one way to do something so pick a course of action and follow it. For me, in trying to increase supply I was doing the whole feeding every three hours thing and then topping up and then expressing. It leaves about an hour and a half for sleep between feeds if you are lucky- which is shit. I changed and stick to it rigidly during the night (when hormones are most important). Then found one feed that suited me (for me it was after 6am) and skipped waking her. Meant we both got a stretch of sleep. Which meant I could function.

Also do you have a friend who you can trust? A very wise midwife said take advantage of the formula just once and skip one breastfeed and expressing. Get your friend to give formula for one feed. It should mean you get 4/5 solid hours of sleep which makes a huge difference for mental health. If you only do it once the impact on milk production won’t be catastrophic. You will feel a million times better- give yourself a break.

It will get easier, but goodness me it must be hard to do it single. Make sure you are eating and drinking. Be kind to yourself. Many many people end up sleeping with the baby on them. Do what you can to get some sleep.

Sorry for the ramble- DD3 is the same age and I am trapped under her, bf. In a moment I’ll go to sleep with her propped up on me. So I can sympathise.

Random thoughts

1. It’s ok not to breastfeed. It isn’t /that/ much easier even in the supposed easy bit - especially if you end up with a bottle refuser like I did. So I think your plan of keeping on till TT appt and then deciding is great. Also you could mix feed for a period, doesn’t have to be black and white (though of course impacts supply). I would be quite tempted to try one really big bottle of formula just to see if being really “full” helps or doesn’t.

1. Sling will make a huge difference if you can get it to work. I would choose a time when baby not hungry, put baby in, put earphones in and go for a fifteen minute brisk walk. If baby still crying then maybe it’s time to declare defeat but not before!

1. The sleep deprivation must be absolute hell on your own. I would definitely try to organise a rota of support for say two hours a day (your mum twice a week, your sister twice a week, three friends once each, kind of stuff). You feed baby before hand and then give them a bottle of expressed milk or formula in case of “emergencies”. No baby if this age will die for not eating for two hours. You put baby as far away as possible (outside if you need to) and go to sleep. Improving your sleep is the single best thing you can do for baby right now - it will make everything easier. Be honest with your support network about how big a deal this all is right now. It will only be for a few weeks.

1. Also on sleep. The person who said warm pjs and co-sleep was on to something good. Forget all the equipment, cots etc, read the safe co-sleeping guidelines and go for it. Trying to crack a way that you can get baby asleep nestled right next to you rather than balanced on top of you would really really help you.

1. Quality TV. Good chocolate. Pringles.

1. This is so so hard. It will get so so so much better, and really quite soon now. Keep on trucking.

No advice that hasn't been said, but I just want to say that you sound awesome and brave.

Poor you, OP - I remember this well. I also had a miserable, crap sleeping baby! Like you, I resorted to co sleeping through sheer desperation.

You might not need to ditch BF completely, can you try combination feeding, a nice warm bottle before bed to try and fill her up if you think she's hungry? I BF for 6 months and was absolutely on my knees, but things massively improved when I switched to bottles.

I read a good tip on here that helped settle my babies. Hold baby close uprightish on you and move/walk/rock sway etc whilst sssshhhhhhing loudly and tapping their bottom in a heartbeat rhythm. Used this technique on a few other babies and always had success although some of them took a good few minutes to settle.

Ds2 used to wake as soon as I stopped so I’d have a blanket over him that I would lay him on to ease the transition into his crib. I used to stop rocking, then after a while stop patting his bottom, then sshhh quieter and quieter until I could gently lay him down. 9/10 times this worked brilliantly.

You’re doing so well, it will get better soon even though it doesn’t seem like it

My kid screamed for eight of the longest months of my life-hated his car seat and being cradled only wanted to be held upright looking over our shoulders-turns our he was just very social and nosy-still the exact same way at 18! One morning he just started giving me a snaggle tooth grin and that was it he was a happy baby overnight-beats the hell out of me how or why but he also had REFLUX and a Milk allergy and switching to soy based formula really helped his colicky nature or at least reduced his cry a few decibels

OP! I've only got half way through the thread but I have to post now as my little cling on, velcro baby is causing mischief tonight.

It could have written your post. My velcro babe is 10 months now and life is soooooo much easier.

Things that worked for me:

• Switching to formula completely. Felt horrendous guilt at the time but in hindsight was the best decision for both of us. DS was so much happier and so was I.

• 10/15 mins upright with constant pat pats on back to wind after feeding. Helps to do a little jiggle after the first few mins to get extra burps up. If your stood up, brisk walking helps too. I Still do this after every feed/meal. Game changer.

• Sling. Whack em in. Get jobs that absolutely need doing done. Like Feeding yourself and maybe laundry. Sod the rest.

• Netflix and chill.

• Poo. We put a baby bouncer in our tiny bathroom with us. He'd sit in there okay for a couple of mins. I'd have to constantly be talking, singing, distracting but I got my business done. If he got upset I'd have to cuddle whilst on the look and put down to wipe. Nice.

• Sleeping. We found swaddling and white noise helped. Rocking to sleep in our arms then transfering to the next to me crib. Staying next to them the whole time, shhing and rocking if he stirred. Picking up and cuddling before we woke too much - so when he's whining drowsily. Dummy was great aswell. It took a few weeks for him to cotton on how to use it as he spat it out all the time at first too.

If I think of anymore I'll post again when I've read the rest of the thread. I promise you, things will get better. I can't even remember when it got better for me as it seems like a distant, foggy blur but life is great now. He's even sleeping during the day in his own cot in his own room for naps!!!! Be kind to yourself. It doesn't last long. You're already more half way through it. You will survive this and dare I say, even miss this when your DD is running around not needing her mummy.

You're amazing. Keep going.