Don't think I'm coping with newborn

[Gahrattwice]

I have a six week old. I don't think I am coping. I can't put her down for any length of time, or to sleep, she only wants to be lying on me. Including at night. I did not plan to co sleep but am having to do it as no choice. However even getting her to lie next to me in the bed is hard, she wants to be asleep on my chest which I know is risky. I have fallen asleep more than once like this though (which I feel horribly guilty about). I am so so very tired. Averaging around three hours broken sleep a day. I am trying to breast feed but that's not going so well, meaning I am also topping up with a bottle and pumping. Each feed takes forever.

She gets grumpy in the evening and cries, is writhing around and appears to be in pain/discomfort. I think it might be a wind issue. I can usually placate her by letting her use my boob as a dummy. This can last into the early hours.

I have tried:

Sleepyhead
Rolled up blankets
Putting my worn clothes into cot
Vibration chairs
Swing chair
Dummies (spits out)
Warming up cot/moses basket
Waiting twenty minutes after she has fallen asleep
Sling (have persuaded her into this once, and she did settle quite well, but has cried other times I tried)
Side cot
Infacol
Gaviscon (gave her constipation)
Colief

And probably other things I have forgotten.

I keep trying to get her to sleep in the sleepyhead/moses basket/cot with not much success, she seems asleep but then wakes up after ten minutes and cries, and I have to pick her up and try again. Am worried that she isn't getting nearly enough sleep because of this, and perhaps I should just let her sleep on me/hold her 24 hours a day. But then when do I sleep/eat/shower/poo? I am single so no partner. Was an unplanned pregnancy. I do have good support however, and friends and family that do what they can to help.

But I feel so sad. I am constantly on the verge of tears if not crying. I feel such a sense of dread of the nights especially as I know it'll be more hours of not sleeping for either of us. I don't think I like her very much.

Any words of wisdom or advice welcome.

I could've written you post word for word with my 8 week old. I cried almost every single night and several times a day it is just so exhausting. We tried all the same things as you and nothing worked, she just woke up as soon as I put her down.. until yesterday, I bathed her at 7pm, dressed and turned the light off and lamp on then have her a 5oz bottle of formula (C&G comfort, just switched from Aptamil) and burped every oz or so instead of the usual breastfeed then waited for her to go to sleep on me. She went to sleep about 8:45pm but I was too scared to put her down, finally put her down at 10:20pm in her next to me with her sleepyhead and she slept until 2:20, breastfed then back until 5, fed then back until 8:20! I couldn't believe it! She's in a sleep bag instead of the usual blankets too. Tonight she went to sleep at 8:45pm, put her down at 9 and she's just woke at 1:45 for a feed and I'll put her back down soon.
I don't know what happened, whether it was the quiet dark room or just sheer luck or she's just changing a bit as she gets older but she's actually sleeping a bit!
The downside is that she was awake almost the entire day yesterday and like your baby still cries when not being held but it's a lot easier to deal with when you've had a bit of sleep!
Good luck op I really hope it gets better for you because it is absolute hell that I would not wish on anybody - my HV said there's a reason sleep deprivation is used for torture and don't I know it!

Thank you everyone, your encouragement is keeping me going tonight. Had some luck getting her to sleep in the sleepyhead initially but she woke up crying and squirming and I have not been able to get her back off to sleep since. I was breastfeeding her in the biological position (was advised to use this position due to tongue tie) but could feel myself dropping off so tried the lying down on my side position but she fussed and cried and I find it really uncomfortable. Am about to give her another bottle of formula, but I know she will want more after so not pinning my hopes on that settling her. Was told by breastfeeding advisers to give her the bare minimum formula I could get away with to try and keep my breast milk supply so have been trying really hard to do so, but feel like she is never full. I give her 90 ml four times a day (she always downs it and roots for more) plus about 50ml of express breastmilk (that's all I can manage to pump) plus breastfeeding. I am scared that if I switch to just formula her tummy troubles will get worse/she won't sleep any better. Have just started with Hiip formula to see if it is better for her than the aptimal.

Bloody hell, I am tired.

My DD was like this. It turned out to be dairy intolerence (didn't know until 6 months so it was hell). Have you tried going df if you are bf to see if it makes any difference.

for you. It gets easier, I promise x

I did wonder about that - I am bottle and breastfeeding, so would need to get dairy free formula too, which I understand you should only do via your GP?

My baby was the same I felt so worried about him sleeping on me plus like me as you are worried you probably aren’t sleeping properly so one day I decided to persevere and keep putting him back into next to me cot throughout the night. It took about 2/3 disturbed nights and then he got it and we both slept better

He was very clingy and I was achieving nothing in the day so got a sling which meant I could do stuff round the house hands free

They aren’t like this forever but make sure you are asking for help

My first was a Velcro high needs baby. He would only sleep on my chest. Wouldn’t go in a pram. Cried in the car seat. He got better at each big milestone so sitting up, cruising, crawling and walking. I did think I was going to go mad with sleep depravation. I did survive though.

Although this may seen miles off, he’s 7 now and is literally the most mature and emotionally mature child you’ll meet. Kind and thoughtful. Never in trouble. He’s been this way I would say from 4.

I’ve decided he had all his childhood angst in his earlier years. I have told him this and why he therefore can’t be a difficult teenager 😉

I'm in the EXACT same situation as you with my 6 week old DD, and have a 1 year old DS too.

You will get through this, there's no shame in asking for help, it will get easier and in a few weeks you'll have forgotten how tired you were!

You can do this! Don't give up!

My DD was like this - for us it turned out to be a dairy allergy causing silent reflux too.

Even with a 2nd child where I knew this wasn't normal, I couldn't get the GP to give me ranitidine as her weight was fine - because she was constantly comfort feeding. I found Gaviscon had very little effect. Hopefully you will have better luck.

Things that helped us:

• as safe as possible co sleeping, with her head on my shoulder but the rest of her on the mattress. Reflux is a lot worse lying down, even with wedges etc I couldn't get her down unless she had the comfort of physical contact with me.
• Breastfeeding lying down so I could doze . If you are struggling with a suspected TT have you tried nipple shields to help her latch? If she won't take a dummy it's probably worth persisting with breastfeeding for the comfort side even if you are giving mostly formula.
• A good sling, with the right one you can do pretty much everything including going to the loo.
• lots of pacing round the house whilst wearing the sling - ideally someone else does this for a couple of hours while you sleep. If you get the right chair, once they are asleep you can sit down with them in the sling.

There is a book called Colic Solved I found quite helpful for outlining what could be causing it.

My first was like this. All the comments were great until everyone went home and I was pacing the floor all night for the 100th night in a row.

Babies change so quickly and what is the current routine won't be in 6 weeks time. Try not to think something will never pass because it does. And when they're bigger they're a lot easier to entertain and get a break.

Hang in there

Oh and on a side note, if you do switch to bottles keep in mind some babies can't get on with some milk. I went through Aptamil, cow and gate and hungry baby before I settled on Hipp for my eldest as she screamed like I was feeding her razor blades but my son took to aptamil straight away. And I couldn't get in with them but Dr browns bottles are great for colicky babies

First of all, you are 6 weeks in so it's kind of the worst point because you are so sleep deprived but also hopefully about to come out of the other side - except you won't really realise it for a long while. Caveat....unless there are health issues.

All three of mine had tongue tie and I appreciate how hard it is for anyone to take it seriously. DC1 was told it wasn't when it was patently obvious that it was but I just didn't know how to fight. DC2 was but was told it was mild and not to worry. DC3 I was told it was and had it cut. Interestingly she was the one who I thought didn't because her sisters looked much worse! Good resource with pictures here that will help you "diagnose" yourself drghaheri.squarespace.com/blog/2014/3/22/rethinking-tongue-tie-anatomy-anterior-vs-posterior-is-irrelevant. Glad you have an appointment. Make sure they give you exercises after. Note that it can reattach.

My second was just like this and it nearly sent me into pnd. I was very down for a long time. In the end I did all naps in a sling so I could sit and rest and so at other times I could cook, do chores etc. It gave me my sanity back. Consequence was that she only napped in a sling until she was 7 months. She still slept in her crib at night though but for a long while just on us. Cosleeping is probably your best bet here if you can. Also Google sleep cycles so you can learn her sleep patterns and when is safest to put her down.

I have been there with the breastfeeding, expressing and formula (3 times!). It's the worst of all world's for you. It's exhausting and relentless. I would suggest trying to increase your supply by breatfeeding, ff and then expressing in quick succession (hard if baby falls asleep after a feed and won't be put down - if you use a sling then get your breasts out before you put it on so you can express while she's in it). Switch feed and do compressions during expressing and feeding will also help.

As a PP said you can put her down to cry for a few mins if you need to. I never did with my first. I jumped at every squeak but on the flip side I was exhausted and hungry. Even with my second I tried to respond to everything. This time with 3 children to think about its not been as easy and she's just got used to it. For example, say it's nearly nap time and she's getting grumpy but toddler needs nappy changing - I have to change nappy or else it might not be done for hours so baby has to wait. Equally if toddler has a nap and baby is due a nap (normally falls over lunch time), I get my lunch ready and a cup of tea even if she's a bit grumpy and starting to cry. Otherwise I know that I'll be stuck on the sofa with her with no lunch and then it'll be time to do the school run. So long as I'm quick it's fine and I feel so much better and refreshed for sitting, eating, drinking tea and resting.

Keep it up - you're doing remarkably well. Ask for help every time you need it.

Ahhh it is so tough isn’t it. This bit puts me off ever having another baby. DD is 21 months now and I still feel sick thinking about this phase. (She sleeps like a teenager now, thank god!)

I switched to formula at 6 weeks. I actually felt devastated by this, but it was the best thing I could have done for us all. Within 2 weeks DD was sleeping almost through the night, and was far more settled.

I realised she was very windy (she would get awful trapped wind, needing me to cycle her legs), even when bf (I was under the impression bf babies didn’t need winding). I started winding really well after every feed which helped too.

We also swaddled, inside the sleepyhead, and had pretty loud white noise all night (she still has this now!)

Swaddling worked well for us (I'm aware it's not recommended at the moment but then again neither is sleeping with a baby lying on you). We used a grosnug, kept dds arms in but left her hips unrestricted. We then moved to sleeping bags when she got bigger.

Good luck, hope you find something that works

The best advice my health visitor gave me is that's it's ok for them to cry.
If your having a bad day out them in there basket make sure there safe and take 5.
That advice saved me on more than one occasion and I found that sometimes baby settled and actually went to sleep! Other times I just needed that 5 mins to get perspective on my next step and get my head together and try again.
It will get there, your not alone :)

I can't imagine how you cope with this and another child or two to look after, that must be unbelievably hard.

Thanks to everyone for sharing and for the tips! We didn't have a great night, but I did manage around three hours (broken) sleep. I tried really hard not to fall asleep with her on me but like previous posters think I really have no choice, I know it's unsafe but so is looking after her when I am this sleep deprived. I managed not to last night and eventually got her to sleep for an hour right next to my face on the bed, but she was lying on her side so not ideal anyway.

I will just keep reminding myself that it's not forever. Just got today and tonight to get through and then have help on Friday so hopefully can get a block of three or four hours sleep.

Breast feeding lying down was a game changer for us. You barely wake when they latch on and it’s within safe cosleeping guide lines...Maybe she would be more content to sleep by your side if she was latched on? That would also build up your supply.

Breastfeeding lying down takes practise though. Tip is to practise it in the day when you’re not desperately trying to sleep so you have time to perfect it.

DS was very unsettled in the evenings from about three weeks old to seven weeks old, then it passed completely so hang in there; I believe its very common at that age.

OP here. I wanted to come back and update for all the lovelies that offered solidarity and advice, and for anyone reading who is in a similar position.

It has got better, just like you all said it would! Around 13 weeks DD started letting me put her down for short periods, and slowly slowly for longer stretches of time. She goes in sleepyhead at night now, very rarely have to have her in bed with me anymore. It's still hard and I still don't get much sleep with the various night wakings but it's a lot better than it was. I tried really hard with the breastfeeding but eventually threw in the towel at 9 weeks which I still feel shitty and sad about but at least now she's on bottles my mum can do some nights for me! My mood can still be up and down but the despair and feeling totally overwhelmed has pretty much gone.

I think for all the things I tried, it really was just time that helped. Anyway, thanks again to everyone, and have hope all who are in a similar place with their babies.

Do you have a "buzzing chair" I had one like the one below. Dd slept in it a lot. I put it on the floor by the bed it was great.

@Gahrattwice please don’t feel shitty about bottle feeding... easier said than done, I know! I honestly felt like I may as well have dug dirt up from the garden and mixed it with toilet water if I was going to go to formula. The guilt is REAL but unnecessary!

I’m glad your little one turned a corner. Your experience is one of the reasons we’re sticking with one. Our DD has been really good but no doubt a second baby would not be the same (and we’re too old to do this again!)