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Extremely different financial situations between partners

56 replies

moneymatter · 12/02/2019 19:39

My partner earns a good salary of £60k a year, when I was working full time I was on £17k a year but will be on SMP for my maternity and then only on £7k per year working part time. He is very fair in that he does pay our rent and for all food shopping, if we go out and do anything he pays etc. I am unfortunately in a lot of debt (about £10k) and have been on a debt management plan for a while now. He's always said he doesn't mind covering the cost of living but he isn't happy to pay my debt off when he has some minor debts of his own and is saving for a house deposit, entirely fair and I have no problem with this. I just feel that we notice a difference in the lifestyles we both lead due to this, if he wants something he buys it, if he wants to go somewhere he goes etc whereas I spend a lot of my time in the house as I can't afford to do much and haven't bought any new shoes or clothes in a long time. I earn enough money to cover my DMP, some fuel and other basics like my insurance, road tax, phone contract etc. I've tried to have a discussion about how we will work money when the baby's here, as I am a taking year to do the childcare (he also wanted this) I will be on massively reduced income, and this will all be allocated between DMP and my personal bills, I just sort of said that I know we don't want a joint account whilst I'm on DMP as it could negatively affect him, are we going to arrange a set amount to be transferred on a weekly basis or something like that. He just said no, he'll continue to cover the living costs and anything for the baby he will pay for - again this seems very fair and considerate but I'm just a bit concerned about myself, I know I'm not the priority and he's worked hard for his salary, I'm not asking for unlimited access to his money, I wouldn't treat it like that anyway.. it would just be nice if I need something, like a new pair of boots or jeans, to just be able to buy them, and things like that he doesn't like paying for as he is already supporting me living. When I work full time again this won't be a problem but I've been part time for a little while now and it's just so evident how different we live due to this, I had to get a new tire this month which left me with £80 spare to last a full month, we've moved a couple of hours away from where I'm from and where my family and friends are and I've not been able to go see anyone as I can't afford the fuel.. it's just little things that bother me like how I'm struggling through with £23 to my name right now and he sends me to pull money out on his card and it says his balance is over £4K just sitting there, and he's 4 days away from payday. I don't want to come across like I feel entitled, but we are due to be married and have a family this year and I just don't like feeling like I'm in poverty and he's pretty well off. I try to talk about what we will do with our finances when we're married but he gets a bit defensive and doesn't want to talk about it and just says he hates talking about money, id normally take this as a huge warning sign but he is generous in many ways so I feel I can't put too much thought into it. I always imagined when married both our money would be the families money and we live out of that, obviously I'd be well aware how much of this is his and not just spend frivolously, I'm not entirely sure what I'm posting for just someone's elses perspective on this situation and how I could handle it. Thank you

OP posts:
moneymatter · 12/02/2019 19:46

Apologies I shouldn't really use the word poverty as I am fed and have a roof over my head free of charge, it just sometimes feels that way when I can't buy anything for myself. I am well aware there are people a lot worse off.

OP posts:
DuckPancake · 12/02/2019 19:47

Hi OP I hope you don't mind me replying but I fear I am going through a similar situation myself so am following to see the responses. Totally understand how you feel Flowers

cstaff · 12/02/2019 19:54

He may be generous in your head but the word that came into my head when I read this was controlling.

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Adversecamber22 · 12/02/2019 19:54

Whilst I’m not a believer in joint accounts especially which is what the majority of MN advocate I am a believer in adjustments made so that post all necessary bills both partners have similar disposable income to save and spend as they wish regardless of what they bring to the pot.

He doesn’t like talking about money because he is an absolute arsehole and knows what he is doing. Anyone that can sit on 4K and let their partner who is PG have only £23 in their account is not a generous person in any way shape or form.

dangermouseisace · 12/02/2019 19:59

Can I ask why you are part time at the moment (that isn’t snarky- just for info!)

RNBrie · 12/02/2019 20:01

I wouldn't be marrying someone who refuses to discuss finances with me. I know this isn't ideal but you can't afford to take a year off work, you need to go back full time and he can cover half the costs of childcare.

If he wants you to take a year off to focus on your child, then that's lovely, but he needs to be comfortable discussing how you are going to make it work financially.

Aaaahfuck · 12/02/2019 20:02

He's asking you to take a significant pay cut to look after his child not just your child. Because of what you earn that makes a huge difference to your day to day life. I wouldn't be happy with this situation. It is a problem when you try to share finances but aren't prepared to accept the others financial situation.

Emsie1987 · 12/02/2019 20:07

If you wasn't taking a year off to look after your baby he would need to pay nursery fees instead. Instead you are losing out on your salary, and he is getting free childcare.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 12/02/2019 20:09

Ideally you should've sorted the debt out before going part time and getting pregnant.

Is he intending to put your name on this house he is saving up a deposit for or will it just be his? Are you going to get married?

Bestseller · 12/02/2019 20:11

I know I'm old fashioned but I don't know how it can work unless everything is shared in a joint pot, particularly if there are children and especially if there's a sahp or one is working much less than the other to cover childcare.

Akire · 12/02/2019 20:12

If you are part time now as it’s too much and then will be on maternity pay he needs to pay something to make up for your loss of earning power. While he may pay for nappies and clothes for the baby you will need and want money for yourself. Your old clothes may not fit and maternity one may be to big. Is he going help make up the “pocket money” part of your pay?

Bestseller · 12/02/2019 20:13

You're in an incredibly vulnerable position as it is if you're sacrificing your earning power to care for his child and you're not married

LeSquigh · 12/02/2019 20:22

Whilst I agree that he is going to have to be responsible (probably solely based on what you have said) for covering all the costs associated with your child, prior to you having a baby it’s really not his problem that you earned so much less that he does. You understand why he (rightly) won’t pay your debts, surely it’s the same with regards to your standard of living. He’s presumably worked hard to earn this much higher wage and I am very much for looking after oneself.

I’m not having a go at you OP, I’m really not. It just sits so uncomfortably with me when women rely so heavily on men. During your maternity leave that is fair enough that he covers the additional expenses but why should he always foot the bill if you are capable of working?

Most/all people on here won’t agree with me (although they might if it was the woman that was the higher earner....).

My OH and I earn fairly similar amounts (he earns a few hundred a month more than me some months) - regardless of what we earn we pay 50/50 of the bills. If that means he has more money than I do left over then good for him - he earned it! Similarly if I do overtime and have a few hundred pound more than he does that’s mine, I earned it. We do have children together too. I’m pretty sure he sneaks extra money in the bills account (which we use for food too) but I avoid using the card for this as much as possible because it just doesn’t sit comfortably with me with my suspicion that he’s paid in more! I don’t want to be a kept woman.

Especially prior to your baby being born why would anyone think they have the right to help themselves to someone else’s money?! It’s not his fault you don’t earn as much and he already foots all the bills for house and bills etc!

RangerLady · 12/02/2019 20:28

Financially, with the amounts Any way, we are similar. My earning potential is a max of about half what he earns. I am job hunting atm as dc2 is now 1. Currently we both have the same "spending money" ie fun money each month and all the rest goes in a separate joint account for bills. So he is paying for everything right now with zero complaints. When I get back to work we will go back to sorting everything on percentage of income, so he will still pay.much more and we will both still have some independent money.
I've never been in debt though. But this does all sound pretty unfair to you! You put in a lot of work to the team (as.my DH would say) it just doesn't have an income!

CaseofEllen · 12/02/2019 20:42

Me and DP just share our money? We don't really bother with who earns more etc, just split the bills and half the disposable income after that. Not sure what advice to offer but I do think, considering you're having a baby together, he is being very unreasonable (perhaps controlling?Confused)

moneymatter · 12/02/2019 21:31

Thanks for all opinions. I'm currently working part time as I had two part time jobs at the same time which added up to full time hours, one of these was temporary and ended at the end of the contract 8 weeks ago, I have gone to one interview and applied for lots of other jobs but getting hired whilst visibility pregnant isn't easy, I've also been in and out of hospital with HG so it's not been an easy few months. The pregnancy was a massive surprise as I'd had fertility problems and was told it would probably take IVF so I guess we got a bit careless in the interim, but we were both thrilled as always slightly scared it wouldn't happen for us and we were already engaged so we didn't consider not continuing with the pregnancy. When I worked full time we did split things slightly more evenly and I could afford luxuries for myself, but seeing as the reason I seem to be unable to find full time work currently is due to the pregnancy and he has said he only wants me to work part time after maternity leave just left me feeling a bit like it wasn't entirely fair to continue handling finances in this way. I will take these points onboard and try and have a discussion with him. We were due to be wed in early summer but it coincided with my due date, so we are planning to postpone until winter. We have been together for many many years and he is a great man, and I do see him paying for the house and bills etc as generous rather than controlling, he doesn't feel obligated to give me more than this because he's never had to, I've had money for myself we just seem to of found ourself in a very different situation. Thank you for the advice

OP posts:
Oly4 · 12/02/2019 21:37

No, this is outrageous. You will be at hike looking after his and your child and therefore are unable to work full time or progress your career to a higher salary. Therefore he eithe compensates you for the fact you can’t worn as much, or you go back full time and he pays nursery fees.
Him saying e won’t discuss money is absolutely not on.
Op, my DH earns A lot more than your dp, while I earn £25K. My DH paid my debts and all our cash is in a joint pot because we’re a family. It’s shared money. He wouldn’t have it any other way.
Your dp is being controlling and selfish

Oly4 · 12/02/2019 21:38

Sorry for typos!

foodenvy · 12/02/2019 22:01

How selfish. How does he think family life works? You will be on leave to care for your baby. If he wants a family life with you he is obliged to support the you and the baby.

Snowmaggedon · 12/02/2019 22:05

OP.... love is hard to find? Isn't it the most precious thing in this cruel world...

Your having a baby together... I just can't get my head around this mentality...

RedSkyLastNight · 12/02/2019 22:08

Surely you need to redo your DMP? If I understand your post correctly, you DP does pay all living expenses and has said he will buy everything for the baby. So it's only because your debt repayments are too high that you are struggling?

Snowmaggedon · 12/02/2019 22:10

OP I've been on the bread line with my dc... DH on low wage.. had personal awful time after dc full time school.. my dh never put pressure on me... to find work.... we had managed for so long....he said for me too do what I wanted...

After dc at school for year... I casually started to look for work and found job quickly...no pressure... not asking nothing....

Snowmaggedon · 12/02/2019 22:13

One more thing...

Yes your living with bills paid but it's also not really costing him to have you there.
There's no way I could watch love of my life suffer with debts and bills with me bringing in 60 grand!!!!!

Sukochicha · 12/02/2019 22:14

Probably wouldn’t have planned a baby whilst the financial situation was so tough.

Can you get the DMP adjusted? You surely can’t keep up the same payments whilst your on ML?

TearingUpMyHeart · 12/02/2019 22:16

You can't afford to go part time after the baby is born.
If he won't share money you might be better off on benefits as a single mum
I also think he sounds potentially controlling - after your child is born you do not want to end up financially dependent on him

That said, in his shoes I would not be rushing to get married and take on your debts either. Tricky situation.

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