Extremely different financial situations between partners

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My partner earns a good salary of £60k a year, when I was working full time I was on £17k a year but will be on SMP for my maternity and then only on £7k per year working part time. He is very fair in that he does pay our rent and for all food shopping, if we go out and do anything he pays etc. I am unfortunately in a lot of debt (about £10k) and have been on a debt management plan for a while now. He's always said he doesn't mind covering the cost of living but he isn't happy to pay my debt off when he has some minor debts of his own and is saving for a house deposit, entirely fair and I have no problem with this. I just feel that we notice a difference in the lifestyles we both lead due to this, if he wants something he buys it, if he wants to go somewhere he goes etc whereas I spend a lot of my time in the house as I can't afford to do much and haven't bought any new shoes or clothes in a long time. I earn enough money to cover my DMP, some fuel and other basics like my insurance, road tax, phone contract etc. I've tried to have a discussion about how we will work money when the baby's here, as I am a taking year to do the childcare (he also wanted this) I will be on massively reduced income, and this will all be allocated between DMP and my personal bills, I just sort of said that I know we don't want a joint account whilst I'm on DMP as it could negatively affect him, are we going to arrange a set amount to be transferred on a weekly basis or something like that. He just said no, he'll continue to cover the living costs and anything for the baby he will pay for - again this seems very fair and considerate but I'm just a bit concerned about myself, I know I'm not the priority and he's worked hard for his salary, I'm not asking for unlimited access to his money, I wouldn't treat it like that anyway.. it would just be nice if I need something, like a new pair of boots or jeans, to just be able to buy them, and things like that he doesn't like paying for as he is already supporting me living. When I work full time again this won't be a problem but I've been part time for a little while now and it's just so evident how different we live due to this, I had to get a new tire this month which left me with £80 spare to last a full month, we've moved a couple of hours away from where I'm from and where my family and friends are and I've not been able to go see anyone as I can't afford the fuel.. it's just little things that bother me like how I'm struggling through with £23 to my name right now and he sends me to pull money out on his card and it says his balance is over £4K just sitting there, and he's 4 days away from payday. I don't want to come across like I feel entitled, but we are due to be married and have a family this year and I just don't like feeling like I'm in poverty and he's pretty well off. I try to talk about what we will do with our finances when we're married but he gets a bit defensive and doesn't want to talk about it and just says he hates talking about money, id normally take this as a huge warning sign but he is generous in many ways so I feel I can't put too much thought into it. I always imagined when married both our money would be the families money and we live out of that, obviously I'd be well aware how much of this is his and not just spend frivolously, I'm not entirely sure what I'm posting for just someone's elses perspective on this situation and how I could handle it. Thank you

Tell him, exactly what you told us.
Explain you have had to drop your wages due to the baby.
That you have no money left at the end of the week, which means your getting depressed and your stuck in the house all day.
That if he wants you to be a stay at home mum, even part time he needs to help you...

I will never ask him to take on my debt, I will be lowering my repayment during maternity leave and bringing it back up once working part time. My part time wage covers all of my debts and personal bills, the issue is anything on top of this. He thought the fair way of doing it would be for him to keep paying bills, food and take on everything for the baby, and although this will be a good help I just feel a bit sad about me never having anything. I know the old fashioned way to do it is to put everything in one pot and share, and I guess that is ideally what I'd like but I'd benefit from it a lot more than him. I don't mind not having access to all his money, he was worked very hard to get where he is and it's his, he earnt it - what I want is just the imbalance to be stabilised in the sense that we both have spare money, I don't need much at all, but it does upset me when I'm struggling to payday and he has thousands in his bank, £50 would make no difference to him but a world of difference to me. It doesn't need to be 50/50, but it seems like it's 90/10 at the moment and that's what I find difficult. I'm just trying to figure out what I can ask him for, a fair way of working this. I got a bit upset tonight after posting this and was very honest about how I'm feeling, he's said that if we both have a think about we think will work and we can discuss from there, he seemed genuinely hurt that I feel like I'm suffering and said he has been putting his hand in his pocket constantly for me and has given me a lot of money as a loan but then never asked for it back as he knew I couldn't afford it, he offered to pay for everything for the baby and has never asked for help with household payments, I do understand where he comes from.. it's just so awkward to try and find a system that works for us both.

I'm a SAHM my husband earns 40grand. He covers all living expenses and mortgage payments then splits whatever is left over equally between us.. puts half in my bank account.
We are married and have two kids.. we are a team. Any money made is OUR money.

It doesn't sound like your do thinks you are a team. Hes earning more than enough to help you out whilst you take time off work to care for your child. He does not sound kind or decent to me.

Tell him you need to go back to work 50% in order to pay your bills so he needs to stay at home the other 50% of the time.

Then maybe he will get it.

The value of your childcare is worth everything that that childcare enables him to earn.

I think you've been conditioned...

Putting his hand in his pocket for you...

,😩😩😩 Really!!

OP.... your not boyfriend and girlfriend..this is mean.. .

I agree with LeSquigh.

I think at the moment he is being very fair paying all for the household costs, food and when you go out. I agree you should remain responsible for your debt and paying your own personal costs. If you lived alone, you would be in a much worse position (as you would have household costs to pay). I don't think he is being controlling as everyone else is suggesting, he is not asking you to pay a % towards household costs for you to incur further debt. I know this is going to sound like I'm 'having a go' but I don't mean it like that, and unfortunately when your paying off debt you do have to forgo the nice things (I know as I have been in this position before).

This will obviously change when you're on maternity leave. But again hes saying he will pay for all household and baby related costs - so maybe you could talk to him about him transferring a small amount to you every week.

@Dillydallyingthrough I completely agree with you, I don't feel entitled to his money and do not see reason why I should have 50/50 access, especially as we aren't married. The topic of money only came up as I want to know what we will do once the baby is here, I would not ask him to take on my debt and I do have a way to cover this and my personal bills myself, my DMP is flexible and means I can look after my self in that regard. I was thinking along the lines of a weekly transfer of just enough to compensate for me working less, especially as he's said for me to work 15 hours per week until the baby starts school (I also want this), so it's just about working out a fair way to manage this.

Thanks for clarifying. So you’ve ended up with less income yourself because you understandably cannot work more at the moment, not because you wanted to work less.

The fact you’re struggling and your DP isn’t, and his reluctance to share funds is deeply concerning. I had the wage discrepancy and debt thing- but my husband had the high wage AND the debt. He saw his earnings as “his” and my part time earnings as mine and the kids. I wasn’t entitled to benefits due to his earnings, and he didn’t share those. He had a different life throughout our marriage to us, we struggled, he didn’t. He put it down to paying off the debt at first, but when he did finish paying it he put even less into our joint account. When we split up I was much better off financially without him.

I think you need to have serious chats about money as if he won’t share you are going to run the risk of being completely skint when you are on maternity leave. I used to meet up with friends for “coffee” whilst I was on maternity leave and drink tap water because I literally had no money at all, whilst my ex would be off getting pissed every weekend. It’s hard to take action if you’re not happy with the situation if you have a baby and no cash. As you won’t get child benefit whilst you’re with him (unless he agrees to pay the tax) it’s important to get assurances from him now, before you are in a vulnerable position.

Have you discussed whether you will claim child benefit when the baby is born?

If you do that is more cash coming in for you - but would be taxable on him with his level of earnings. If you do not claim then will he make up the difference? Or would he argue that he is paying for the baby anyway?

Is he covering cost of maternity clothes for you?

What about when you are on maternity leave - will he provide an allowance to take baby out and about to classes or clubs? Or are you expected to sit at home every day?

To be fair to him it does take a while to adjust to a new status quo. We had been married for 7 years before our first baby was born and had largely kept our finances separate. It probably took me about 2 years to really feel comfortable with our joint account and spending money. I'm back working full time now but had about 5 years of either not working, working part time, then going back but not earning as much as before.

I agree, when I started to read your first post I didn't think you were going to go on to say you're having a baby with him, that you are 'both' very pleased about and that you're going to get married. You sound like you know he's being mean but you want us to qualify those doubts in your head. My husband would feel uncomfortable with the notion of him being Mr Money Bags and me not being able to find enough money for a pair of shoes on maternity leave. He would genuinely feel embarrassed to behave like this.

If he actively wants you to stay at home with the baby (as opposed to paid childcare) he needs to make a financial arrangement with you that compensates some or all of the wages you are giving up. It's his money, yes, but he is escaping the very considerable cost of childcare (£1000+ per month round our way) because you are sacrificing your earnings. Buying stuff for the baby and paying the bills isn't enough: you need some money for yourself too. That includes helping you make your debt repayments whilst you are not working/working less to do unpaid labour looking after his child.

He sounds very controlling. What man would see his partner struggling and not help out? I am a SAHM haven't earned a penny for years. My husband's wages go in the joint account and we share it for us and the children.

You need to sort this out before the baby comes.

You are entitled to his money though. I can't believe he's ok with this - I'd be devastated if my partner was struggling with £23 and I've got thousands in the bank.

With a baby coming and maternity, everything should go into the same pot. Bills paid, disposable income split. I don't really get the thing with your debt either. We had debts between us and the family money pays towards them. It's a team and you're in it together. I think he's totally conditioned you and it's controlling. He should want to make sure you lead a similar lifestyle as him.

I’m conflicted. Have sympathy with OP as she is taking reduction in salary to care for child so feel he should cover that but without that feel she should be bringing more to table. Im in similar position but in reverse. Partner won’t get a job so I have to pay. I see less of daughter due to working, though I’d probably be doing it anyway. I don’t see why I should split my money if he won’t work but seems people on this thread would think I’m selfish and just put it in to a joint pot.

Morningchill: the difference is your partner won’t get a job!

In the OP’s case her DP WANTS her to stay at home for a year and then part time.

OP: you are losing half your income now, all your income on ML and half your income when you go back p/t.

You are doing that in order to have your joint baby. He needs to recognise that.

Concentrate on the impact on your finances due to having the baby when you talk with him.

Morningchill why stay with someone why won't get a job?

Whatsnewpuasyhat - He’s the father of my child! He works occasionally when he gets the freelance work he enjoys, last year this was only about two months work and it doesn’t pay well. We’re not really together at the moment and living separately and money is a big part of the issue. I worry though that perhaps I am being selfish and should just put up with it and put all my money in a central pot so we can be a traditional family. It annoys me though that he feels entitled to only work when it’s work that interests him.

Thanks for all opinions. I don't see it as I'm entitled to spend half his money, he's worked very hard and he's earnt it, it's his. I just want to feel like I have access to atleast live comfortably whilst bringing up our child, and to feel like I am not losing out financially due to my large non financial contribution to the family (childcare, housework etc) We both agreed to have a think about what we think is fair, so I've written all my thoughts down and given them to him with my suggested action plan. It's not an easy topic to bring up and it's very new to us both, but hopefully we will come up with a way that keeps us both happy.

I come from the other end of it. My DP doesn't earn as much, and I cover most of the household expenses. That being said, if he needs clothes or anything, we buy it. What's mine is his and know it would be the same if the tables turned. I think he should help you more.

When you assess how much he should pay you, consider all the jobs you'll be doing: childcare, housekeeper, cook, ... you might want to halve it because you'll have half the benefit, then see what you think.

I think your debt (which you've freely admitted you don't want him to feel that he has to contribute to) muddies the water.

One way of dividing finances often mentioned on MN is to have "equal personal money". If you used this method, then a chunk of your money would be spent on personal money, so you would still be "worse off" than your DP. If DP gives you more money to compensate that you have to spend more on debt repayments, then you're into the territory of him effectively paying off your debt.

In my experience money generally does cause issues if there's such a large gap in your incomes. I personally wouldn't want to be with a man who earned much more than me as I know I won't be able to keep up with his ability to splash the cash whenever he felt like it. I certainly wouldn't expect to live off his money just because I was having a baby and was in debt.

If he doesn't understand that you're having difficulty on a regular basis with your money now your income is lower then you're always going to feel that way and it will get worse. I think you need to make it very clear to him what your stance is - that may involve you 'proving' your figures if that's the best way for him to understand your point. If he doesn't see it from your point of view I would advise him that you cannot afford to be off work until the child is 'x' years old so he will need to pay for childcare as he has previously agreed to cover the child's costs. He may well offer to start giving you money so that you'll stick with his plan for how you raise your child.

You do need money for yourself otherwise you'll just feel like you're begging him for money like a 1950s housewife. I certainly wouldn't want to be living on an allowance given to me.

But if they're having a child together and getting married does it really matter if he ends up paying some of the debt? My husband ended up paying a bit of my career development loan off after we had our first child as he saw it as family debt. Prior to having our first child I was earning alot more than him and this enabled us to get a bigger mortgage and buy our first home so it swings in roundabouts. DH earns alot more than me now but it's all one big pot.

I am currently in a part time job evenings/weekends so my DP has to do the childcare. Before this I was a SAHM for 3 years. I got sacked whilst pregnant and he has never moaned once. I don’t have debts but I still get money from him. I don’t spend selfishly but if I want new clothes/shoes occasionally I buy them on my card and he tops it up for me. We see it as an equal partnership. Now I’m working my money goes towards bits for me and the kids, plus bits that need doing around the house and the odd food shop. I still get to spend as much or as little of “his” earnings as I like.

Your not living off a man if your looking after the child you've had together. The experience is one of mutual gain as she would be providing childcare enabling him to go to work. It's different if it's not want either of them want but the OP has said he's 'told' her she can work part time for 15 hours a week.

Op I would stop being so grateful for his love and loyalty, you sound like you don't think your worthy a bit.