Extremely different financial situations between partners

[moneymatter]

My partner earns a good salary of £60k a year, when I was working full time I was on £17k a year but will be on SMP for my maternity and then only on £7k per year working part time. He is very fair in that he does pay our rent and for all food shopping, if we go out and do anything he pays etc. I am unfortunately in a lot of debt (about £10k) and have been on a debt management plan for a while now. He's always said he doesn't mind covering the cost of living but he isn't happy to pay my debt off when he has some minor debts of his own and is saving for a house deposit, entirely fair and I have no problem with this. I just feel that we notice a difference in the lifestyles we both lead due to this, if he wants something he buys it, if he wants to go somewhere he goes etc whereas I spend a lot of my time in the house as I can't afford to do much and haven't bought any new shoes or clothes in a long time. I earn enough money to cover my DMP, some fuel and other basics like my insurance, road tax, phone contract etc. I've tried to have a discussion about how we will work money when the baby's here, as I am a taking year to do the childcare (he also wanted this) I will be on massively reduced income, and this will all be allocated between DMP and my personal bills, I just sort of said that I know we don't want a joint account whilst I'm on DMP as it could negatively affect him, are we going to arrange a set amount to be transferred on a weekly basis or something like that. He just said no, he'll continue to cover the living costs and anything for the baby he will pay for - again this seems very fair and considerate but I'm just a bit concerned about myself, I know I'm not the priority and he's worked hard for his salary, I'm not asking for unlimited access to his money, I wouldn't treat it like that anyway.. it would just be nice if I need something, like a new pair of boots or jeans, to just be able to buy them, and things like that he doesn't like paying for as he is already supporting me living. When I work full time again this won't be a problem but I've been part time for a little while now and it's just so evident how different we live due to this, I had to get a new tire this month which left me with £80 spare to last a full month, we've moved a couple of hours away from where I'm from and where my family and friends are and I've not been able to go see anyone as I can't afford the fuel.. it's just little things that bother me like how I'm struggling through with £23 to my name right now and he sends me to pull money out on his card and it says his balance is over £4K just sitting there, and he's 4 days away from payday. I don't want to come across like I feel entitled, but we are due to be married and have a family this year and I just don't like feeling like I'm in poverty and he's pretty well off. I try to talk about what we will do with our finances when we're married but he gets a bit defensive and doesn't want to talk about it and just says he hates talking about money, id normally take this as a huge warning sign but he is generous in many ways so I feel I can't put too much thought into it. I always imagined when married both our money would be the families money and we live out of that, obviously I'd be well aware how much of this is his and not just spend frivolously, I'm not entirely sure what I'm posting for just someone's elses perspective on this situation and how I could handle it. Thank you

If you are going to get married, then you are going to spend your lives together. Any house deposit he is saving up will become a joint asset in marriage - so your debt will affect him anyway.

Any childcare costs will be counted as an affordability factor to a mortgage too.

Realistically, the pragmatic thing to do is to work out a joint budget for living, treat your debts as a 'fixed cost' that needs to be paid for and go from there.

If you are a team, all this fannying about with 'I don't want you to pay towards my debt' is just muddying the waters.

Are you two committed to spending your lives together? Do you want to be in a better financial situation AS A FAMILY?

You say you've been together for years. How was your debt incurred? Are your spending habits now under control?

You can't go ahead with a traditional "Mum stays home with baby and children part-time till school' set-up if the opposite part of that equation ("Dad pays more living expenses and doesn't see his the mother of his children short of money because of her part-time work") isn't working.

If you have a child with someone you need to be on an equal footing about finance and priorities.

he seemed genuinely hurt that I feel like I'm suffering and said he has been putting his hand in his pocket constantly for me and has given me a lot of money as a loan but then never asked for it back as he knew I couldn't afford it, he offered to pay for everything for the baby and has never asked for help with household payments

How was your debt incurred if you have bene together a long time? Is it because you never earned enough to go 50-50 on the sort of lifestyle stuff he enjoys?

What 'minor debts' is he servicing and what level of savings does he have towards a mortgage?

If I were you both I would have a good long think about the best way to secure your joint financial futures as a family.

If you are intending to a) get married, b) buy a house, c) have children together then you cannot keep splitting things into his and hers. It's not sustainable in the future. You'll get ahead much much quicker if you pool and reallocate sensibly as a team.

If however he has decent grounds for thinking that you will blow through cash irresponsibly then of course that is a different thing to discuss, and a potentially difficult conversation on both sides.

I would not agree to give up my earning power and go to only 15 hours per week for the best part of 5 years if I was not in a good, shared responsibility situation for finances. It's a massive trap, particularly if you are unmarried.

Get down the registry office ASAP and then plan a lovely reception/party for after the baby's arrival?

I haven't read all the responses. My view is that as soon as you have children the three of you become one financial unit. That is the ONLY way it can work fairly or practically. That doesn't necessarily mean one joint account into which all money is paid but I personally would push for that arrangement. I know this is tricky when there's such a wage gap but otherwise he and his child live in luxury and the child's mother lives in poverty. If you weren't looking after the baby would you be expected to pay childcare out of your salary alone?

Don't forget you are entitled to child benefit which he can pay back through taxes and I would definitely sign up for that. You can agree to pay off your debts yourself when you start earning again. Definitely don't go part time if he is not in agreement about family money.

I would also recommend getting married. Once you do you are legally entitled to half the family money - as is he.

When I was off on maternity my dh paid absolutely everything. What other choice would he have? Unless he wants to financially abuse me of course, which is what your dp wants to do.

He is happy to watch you struggle through life, caring for his child and unable to buy yourself clothes. That's messed up op.

What is the level of your debt? How did it come about? You've been together years and he's reluctant to help you pay it off even though you are planning to get married and are actually expecting a child together. To be blunt, are you rubbish with money?

OP, I agree with a previous PP who suggested that you should go back to full-time work after your maternity leave. You can't afford to not work with such a partner. Otherwise I predict you'll be on a thread in 2 years with mental health issues due to the overwhelming burden of childcare and loneliness. Don't be that woman.
Start looking for nursery places now and email him the costs. Tell him how excited you are to have decidef you'll be working full-time and once again have money in your pocket for visiting family and living a normal life.
Tell him you'll be doing an online training course during maternity leave in order to get onto a better paid career path. Is there anything you've wanted to train for?