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Original poster

What would be the most appropriate way of coming out as transgender?

61 replies

crabishere · 11/02/2019 01:18

Yes. Before anyone starts, I'm more than aware that this platform is Not For Me. I'm seventeen, not a parent. However, I'm looking for opinions from parents so... I'm hoping you won't yell at me for not fitting the demographic. I'm AFAB, meaning I was assigned female at birth. I'm transgender. I want to be a boy. I need to come out soon, or I risk messing up my mental health more. I'm very dysphoric (I don't know if people know what these terms mean; dysphoria is basically where you feel that you should be the opposite sex; it creates strong negative feelings. Sorry if I'm being pretentious or whatever. I genuinely just don't know the audience I'm talking to here). If I don't come out soon, I think I'll end up killing myself. This isn't a fun time.

Thing is, I'm not sure what the most appropriate way would be. My mother is a single parent, my father would find out from my brother (and he happens to be extremely transphobic, as well as my brother) but my mother is very chill, so I don't risk being kicked out. If, however, I am incorrect and I am kicked out, I have a place to stay at a friends. What I'm trying to ask is how would you like your child to come out to you? Like. If your child was trans, and you had the choice, how would you prefer your child to come out? I don't want to screw this up. I'm thinking face to face, but that puts me at risk of her immediate reactions. Any input would be great, thanks!

OP posts:

JaneJeffer · 11/02/2019 01:23

If you don't tell her in person how are you planning to do it?

Smotheroffive · 11/02/2019 01:35

If your a girl and but feel like you should have been a boy, there is nothing simpler than that to tell her. Nothing was actually 'assigned' to you at birth though. Your sex is female, but I understand (well I can't really know what it's like to feel like you should be the opposite sex) it must be bloody awful.

I don't know your dp, but I would imagine your fear of being thrown out as a result is highly unlikely
DMs are not stupid, they will see things that add up once you provide the link.

Your DM lloves you and its hardly shocking nowadays to just say literally that.

You have already manages it all on your own. Do you intend to embark upon sex related surgery, and hormonal treatments?

Smotheroffive · 11/02/2019 01:38

Also, not the sort of platform that is nasty to teens just because they're a teen?! Not sure why you would jump to that assumption, especially when there is a whole board dedicated to it! You don't have such a great opinion of it do you, but you will get more answers and greater peer response over there I would have thought, providing you don't announce prejudices!!
Just be honest with her, I'm sure she will appreciate it.

Ribbonsonabox · 11/02/2019 01:55

Can you see your gp about it first? It might be a good idea to get linked in with some counselling so you can get a clearer picture of what it's all going to involve for you. And hopefully they could give you tips in how to talk to family members about it?
I'm sure your DM loves you and will support you through whatever you decide to tell her...
As for your brother and father I do think it would be useful to speak to an actual professional about how best to approach it with them.

7salmonswimming · 11/02/2019 01:55

I’d want to be told in as well considered, genuine, unsensational, committed a way as is possible for a 17yo.

The medium wouldn’t matter to me: email, letter, face to face. Do what’s easiest for you.

But be prepared to be honest. If you’re unsure or worried or concerned or anxious about anything - own it. Trust your mother. She’s known you since before you did.

DameIfYouDo · 11/02/2019 02:05

I'm a Mum to a dd, and in all honesty, if she told me she wanted to be a boy, I'd probably laugh!
However, my dd is girly in every possible way, into boys, into makeup and all of that.
Are you or have you been different? Is there a chance your Mum might suspect something anyway?
I guess, if I suspected something, I'd like a quiet time, where nobody could interrupt, and just tell her that you feel more like a boy than a girl. I might expect shock, she might be like me and tell you to give your head a wobble, or who knows.

It's not going to be an easy thing for you to tell her and it's probably not going to be easy for her to hear.
I'd say my piece and give her a few minutes to digest it. Don't take her first reaction to heart if it's negative.
I also agree with the previous poster about seeing your GP first maybe to discuss and arrange counselling. It's not an easy thing. And your life is not going to be easy. And this particular website is a bit transphobic (moreso towards the male to female trans though).
You're so so young.

I wouldn't present it as a given to your mother. Just that it's something you feel. Get counselling and see how you feel then.
I'm sorry you feel this way. Probably not the right thing to say, but it's not an easy path.

DameIfYouDo · 11/02/2019 02:10

I really know nothing about trans either, so it's possible your Mum might not. For e.g. the first question that is coming into my head, which is probably the stupidest question ever is, are you sure you're not lesbian?
So be prepared for her to not know anything about the topic.

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 11/02/2019 02:11

This website is not transphobic Dame. (Although your instinct to laugh does sound a bit transphobic)
I think you should tell your mother however you feel comfortable (email/note/ in person) and do it soon, from what you say it sounds like she would be supportive. Your dysphoria must be so hard and it is important you get some help. Can you go to your GP?

DameIfYouDo · 11/02/2019 02:13

I meant I'd laugh because I would presume it was a phase she was going through. Nothing transphobic about me.

DameIfYouDo · 11/02/2019 02:14

Myfoolishboatisleaning Have you seen the threads on the Feminism board? That's a whole load of batshit transphobia right there. Couched under the guise of protecting women's spaces........ I'm not totally green.

Smotheroffive · 11/02/2019 02:16

I sincerely hope your DM doesn't laugh at you when you say it! Although it does sound like its one of the possibilities to prepare for.

This site is not transphobic! Any transphobic talk would get deleted anyway.

Are you there Op?

IDoN0tCare · 11/02/2019 02:17

There was a poster on earlier asking if we could point them in the direction of a support group for those who identify as non binary. Maybe you could look them up and you could support each other?

AnnaEm · 11/02/2019 02:18

Watch a documentary with her. Just you and her. There is a brilliant program by BBC where a single mum shares her experience of having a transgender daughter. Sorry I don't remember the title of the program but I watched on YouTube.
I hope it will all go well for you x

DameIfYouDo · 11/02/2019 02:18

The other thing I would say as a mother, is I would really prefer to know. I know not all mothers are clones, but I bet your Mum would prefer to know so that she can support you. I know I would.

It must be a tough thing to be dealing with on your own. Be careful who you take counsel from.

DameIfYouDo · 11/02/2019 02:20

Have you had a good relationship with your Mum up to now? How do you think she will take it?

SayMehToTheDress · 11/02/2019 02:21

If you were my child, I would want to be told face to face so that I could give you a hug. I'd like to think I would have an idea already. I hope it goes well.

BusterGonad · 11/02/2019 02:22

Very helpful Dame!

BusterGonad · 11/02/2019 02:24

Sorry Dame I've just read the updates!

DameIfYouDo · 11/02/2019 02:27

You've made a couple of striking statements in your otherwise happy OP. 'If I don't come out soon, I think I'll kill myself'.

That is certainly one of the things that you need to be telling your Mum.
And hey! You're out to us now! How does it feel? We're a bunch of lunatic Mums (mostly, with a few Dads and people who have no kids here also). You've come out to us!!

So, I know it's a massive step. And I'd leave your Dad and brother for another time, but you sound ready to tell your Mum. She'll love to know. She really will. Give her time maybe if she's like WTF ARE YOU CRAZY? She's your Mum, so she will support you.

Smotheroffive · 11/02/2019 02:28

OP not coming back?

DameIfYouDo · 11/02/2019 02:31

Now that I've had time to digest it, envisaging my own dd coming to me and telling me, I really would just want to know.

DameIfYouDo · 11/02/2019 02:31

Well if the OP is 17, it is a school night and it's late.

JaneJeffer · 11/02/2019 02:32

I would advise you to have someone else you can speak to, GP, counsellor, or good friend in case you don't get the reaction you would hope for from your mother.

ImFineThankYouSusan · 11/02/2019 02:41

As a mum who went through this with their own DD (mine was younger than you though at the time) I will reply with what we talked about in our many conversations. It might help you if your mum responds similarly

Why do you want to be a boy? Why do you feel that way? What about being a boy appeals to you?
In what way/s do you think you are not a girl?
Have you researched the effects of testosterone? Not just the positives but the negatives too? That it is for lifetime? Are you aware of what side effects may remain if you decide it isn't for you?
Have you read/watched any testimonies of detransitioners to see if what they are feeling is similar to you? And to see both sides?
That your dating pool will be severely reduced?
That it is medically impossible to actually change your sex, are you okay with knowing that? And that the human brain doesn't stop maturing until around the age of 25?
The full implications of mastectomies/hysterectomies and FtM penile surgeries (scars, what could go wrong etc)

I wanted my DD to be knowledgeable in regards to all information from both sides (she had already been watching some transmen on youtube at that point).

For my DD she still wears clothes from the 'boy' section, rocks the short hair but is now a much happier out and proud lesbian.

If you have considered and researched all the above then and still believe transitioning is your way forward then I would help you find a therapist first and go from there.

I wish you all the best.

ImFineThankYouSusan · 11/02/2019 02:44

This is a really good informative video featuring 4 former transmen and their experiences.

It might help you either way.

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