What would be the most appropriate way of coming out as transgender?

[crabishere]

Yes. Before anyone starts, I'm more than aware that this platform is Not For Me. I'm seventeen, not a parent. However, I'm looking for opinions from parents so... I'm hoping you won't yell at me for not fitting the demographic. I'm AFAB, meaning I was assigned female at birth. I'm transgender. I want to be a boy. I need to come out soon, or I risk messing up my mental health more. I'm very dysphoric (I don't know if people know what these terms mean; dysphoria is basically where you feel that you should be the opposite sex; it creates strong negative feelings. Sorry if I'm being pretentious or whatever. I genuinely just don't know the audience I'm talking to here). If I don't come out soon, I think I'll end up killing myself. This isn't a fun time.

Thing is, I'm not sure what the most appropriate way would be. My mother is a single parent, my father would find out from my brother (and he happens to be extremely transphobic, as well as my brother) but my mother is very chill, so I don't risk being kicked out. If, however, I am incorrect and I am kicked out, I have a place to stay at a friends. What I'm trying to ask is how would you like your child to come out to you? Like. If your child was trans, and you had the choice, how would you prefer your child to come out? I don't want to screw this up. I'm thinking face to face, but that puts me at risk of her immediate reactions. Any input would be great, thanks!

I find it odd that with all the websites out there you chose mumsnet for advice..

With mumsnet supposed reputation

This is rather ummm fishy!

Agreed beans

You are who you are and you have to do what’s right. No one else can’t dictate it.

However the sex you are born as (female) can never change but it doesn’t mean you can’t still be who you are. You just do it as a woman.

I think there’s too much identity politics at play and we need to step back from the self and be happy with who we are, and be the best we can be.

I’d start talking over with your doctor and a councillor about your mental health. Being another gender won’t change the state of your mental health. Chances are that your mental health is saying that making these changes will cure your problems. They won’t. Your issues lie deeper which is why counselling is the best way forward.

Please, please have some counselling before you make any permanent and life changing decisions. Talk to your GP too, so you can go forward with the full facts.

Why not tell your DM that you have these feelings and enlist her help in working through them. It's probable that she already has some idea of your inclination, so telling her may be easier than you think. She could a vital ally in helping you to make the right decision going forward, and helping you tell the rest of your family.

Why will you be able to do as a man (not a boy) that you couldn’t as a woman? You are rejecting your birth sex - or is it gender stereotypes you reject?

Wear what you like, love who you like, look how you like. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are a ‘mistake’ in any way.

My daughter's friend is in the process of transitioning. I've no idea how he told his Mum but Mum certainly didn't laugh as mentioned above and has been very supportive.
Can you have a chat with your GP? I noticed in ours there are posters up for a local support group for trans teens. You may be able to get support from others who have been in your position.

Why do you want to be a boy?
What is it that being a boy means to you that being a girl does not?

People mean completely conflicting things when they use the terms boy and girl. It makes it difficult to communicate without mutual understanding.

No human can change sex, so being a boy to you obviously means something other than biological sex, but I don't yet understand what, exactly. Behaviour, personality traits, feelings? What does being a boy/being a girl mean to you?

Can you explain what you mean? Perhaps we can help you find the right words to talk to your mum.

I think the main thing is don't expect her to know about or understand you or anyone being trans. I don't think she would want to be nasty (I wouldn't) but I might ask awkward questions because I don't understand. Also it can be hard for us if we have raised you to dress a certain way and like certain things to come to terms with. My DD is a "tomboy" but even that I have had to go through a slight grieving process for the things we don't have in common. I will always love my DCs but think I would struggle to understand them making that decision, if I'm being truly honest, and would encourage them to take time and have some counselling, meet other trans people and do their research. I would be weary of hormones too, obviously your choice at 18 though. I just think we have these babies who are boys or girls, and them rejecting that can almost feel like a rejection of us as a woman who was born female or man who was born male. Or as their parent. So tread gently, it may take your mother a while to understand properly. She may need some guidance and support.

I hope that your mother accepts you as who you are and who you want to be always. And I hope you do what makes you happy.

This is a useful read:
www.theguardian.com/global/2018/aug/05/my-fight-to-be-a-man

I had no idea people responded to this, so I'm sorry. I must have had my notifications off.

First of all; to whoever said I don't have a good amount of knowledge on this site or whatever, that's very true. This is because I actually learnt about this place during an English Language lesson, when looking at social groups and how people use language in said social groups (absolutely fascinating; other examples we looked at were people into football, and "chavs". I really urge looking into it if it's something that interests you). Obviously from what I was taught it was a platform for parents, specifically mothers, and so that's how I perceived it. Sorry if it came across as rude.

I want to thank everyone for their replies, I've not even finished reading through them yet but honestly, I'm so grateful.

Someone else asked if I had shown I was different at an early age. I suppose so? As a kid, I was never girly. If I was wearing something girly, you can bet my parents were behind it. I was into dinosaurs and space. The times I played with children, it was with the boys. But I never had gender roles pushed upon me, so I put it down to that. As a teenager it was somewhat the same, my interests were usually stereotypically masculine, and it was at that point I refused to wear anything outwardly girly, throwing a fit if I was forced to wear something perceived as feminine. Nowadays I wear only male or unisex clothing as I earn my own money. I think she has an idea somethings up, whether it's because I cried over putting a woman's fleece on (pathetic, I know. I'd specifically asked for a males fleece though, so I did try to avoid the meltdown) or the fact I have male underwear. She makes comments about being true to yourself and whatnot; I suppose she may do haha.

So yes. If I see anything else implying I'm to reply, I'll reply. I just want to thank you all again. I'm still trying to be comfortable with this myself. It's a weird one. Like, my entire life has been a lie, in a way. I feel like I've let my mother down. I feel guilty and awful over it all, because she thought she had a daughter, you know? It really sucks. Yes, I'll try to get myself in to see a therapist. Despite earning my own money now, it's not much, and free therapy lists are so long. I've already been on one. I went for years. Completely wasted it as I wasn't truthful about anything; I didn't want to do it. I just wanted mother to be okay. It's a long story. Thank you all though; hopefully I'll be able to tell her sooner rather than later.

Okay so I read further. I also forgot to add that yes, I came out as a lesbian a while back. A few years ago now haha. She was cool with it. I suppose in that sense I have an idea on how to come out, but I also really don't. This is something which would probably affect her more than my sexuality, I suppose.

I have read into testosterone, and it's affects. It's definitely something I want to pursue; it's everything I want, as stupid as it sounds. Surgery, while I'm hesitant because of the complications (I'm a bit of an anxious wreck, the worst is Always, Most Definitely going to happen), but I also want it, if that makes sense. I'm going to my GP at some point to talk it over (I've not had a period since 2017, I've had maybe ten since I started when I was twelve; I'm wondering if this has anything to do with it honestly. I'm desperate for it to just be some thing with an easy fix). But yeah. I've done a fair amount of research, and I'm always looking for more to research. But yes, I'm going to look into counselling for real, and hopefully find something that works? I don't want to come out without it, to be honest, despite how much this is killing me. I want to know I'm doing the right thing. I'm aware of how testosterone can irreversibly change someone, I'm aware of how hard detransitioning is. I've read about that too. So I do want to be sure, first. It's the only thing putting me off.

It's more than just "feeling like a boy" for me. Parts of my body feel wrong. Like, it makes me feel anxious and angry thinking about them, and I feel sick if I see them. And where I feel things should be, there's this weird, I want to say empty, ache? Like I'm missing something. It's really hard to explain if you've never felt it. To me, masculinity is something I relate more to than femininity. For me, gender is often skewed anyway; I see most things as actually being fairly neutral, but I'd say that the generation I'm part of, along side my social circles, influence that. I want to be perceived as a male. My body feels almost like a prison. I know I won't ever be biologically male. It is something which causes a fair bit of distress, because that is so desperately what I want. But I know that, while I won't be biologically a man, I can make changes to my body which will make me feel more comfortable. I don't want to be forced to wear women's clothing; I don't want to wear it at all honestly. I don't want to be seen as a female, or referred to as a she. It feels wrong. I know it's a vague statement, calling something wrong, but I honestly can't put it into words. It feels like it shouldn't be happening.

Why did I choose Mumsnet, someone asked. Apparently this seems fishy. Well. I wanted advice from people from the demographic I'll be talking to. People who care deeply for their children, while perhaps not knowing everything there is to know about being trans. As I said, I only learnt about Mumsnet in a Language lesson, so I actually don't know about it's reputation. Should I? I know at times people here can be a bit funny if they disagree with something, but then again, so can every other social group. I've spoken to people on Reddit too, asking people who are trans themselves how they came out. So I've got an idea on both sides. However I was more looking for a parents perspective, as I struggle with empathy (ASD diagnosed), and so I wanted to make sure the route I took would be most appropriate. I have a habit of doing the wrong thing because someone from a similar position told me it'd be the right thing, and it was wrong. I actually also wanted to somewhat avoid the trans and lgbt community in general for this, as the circles I'm in are very much my age and they've got this awful habit of pushing people to do something they're not ready to admit. They'd claim things like "looking at these posts makes you trans" or "researching trans things makes you trans" so I didn't want to ask them for advice to begin with because I was scared I'd feel forced to do something I realistically am not ready to do (counselling, GP, all that stuff comes first), unless I was truthful about why I needed to do these things, which is an option I suppose. They've since been pulled up on it, hence why I felt a bit more comfortable asking a few who are prominent in those circles, but don't make as many of those jokes.

Once again, thank you all for replying. And I'm sorry I couldn't get back to you all in time. Understandable if you've all deserted the thread haha. As I said, I didn't know anyone replied. That, and sixth form has been ridiculously busy, work has been extremely busy (I'm a hotel cleaner) and I recently came down with some stomach bug. I'm still off college because of it. So all in all, I've just been busy. My apologies. I must seem extremely rude.

you are a gender non-conforming lesbian girl with ASD. With respect, you couldn't be more typically a female who decides they are trans. I would urge you to speak to someone - your GP, your mum - about your concerns with regard to your negative feelings about your body, without making the move to 'live as a man', though that is of course meaningless (as is AFAB, by the way - sex is observed and recorded at birth, not assigned).

There is absolutely no reason so suppose your mental state will improve if you transition and you could end up in a far worse position if you proceed down a medical, surgical route.

You’ve described it all so clearly here, would it be easier to put some of this into a letter to give your mum before you have the face to face discussion?

If you were my child I’d just want to support you, weigh the risks and benefits of all the options together, but without trying to steer you in any particular direction. This is probably how most parents ultimately respond?

Oh sweetheart.

Honestly, you're 17. You have ASD. You need to give it until you are at least 25 to let things settle. Trust me on this. Being a teenager with ASD is very hard.

You say you think you might kill yourself. Go to your GP or even A&E about that -- no one should have to go through their teens feeling that way.

Do not make decisions about your future health, life partners and fertility in the midst of serious stress and depression.

Thank you. I totally get I should wait a while; I also know that people on the spectrum often find gender hard and stuff (from what I've read, anyway. And no, that's not the best way of putting it but my brains not working well right now). I also get that I'm probably not trans; I don't want to be.

I also know I need therapy, whether it's about gender or not. Thing is, as I've said, I've been before. Any time I said anything that was actually about how I felt, the therapist would push me into telling my mother. There's things that have happened which I really don't want her knowing (apparently I've not done anything wrong, but she still talks to their parents and I don't want to mess with that and it's all my word against theirs anyway). Life in general is pretty miserable, but with the way she acts when she knows I'm not happy, I don't want to seek any further help while I'm at home.

I'll wait it out then. As I said, there is possibly a medical explanation for it anyway. Thank you.

The gender expectations can be bloody awful. I had no sense somehow that they were meant to apply to me (like they did to other girls) through my teens, and was much mocked for it at times. It's also very easy to get into situations through misinterpreting/failing to read between the lines. Is that at all like what happened to you?

I can go under cover to some extent now as an adult. Still can't cope with makeup though!

I still think you should try to talk to your mother about how you feel and let her know you have no intention of rushing into anything. It's a heavy burden for you to carry alone.

I’ve been where you are. Asd, reject the shit that women are made to put up with, eating disorder to deal with hatred of body (you haven’t mentioned ED but hatred of body we share)
I’m now female presenting and in a long term straight relationship. I’m also an academic and gender critical.
Don’t medically transition now. Maybe socially transition. T will not solve the misery and dysphoria that you feel - or it will, but only temporarily. Try anti depressants or anti anxiety meds first. I find citalopram works well for me; my mum - also asd - prefers sertraline.

is there any chance you could get a different therapist?

Transgender Trend are an organization of concerned parents, so not for teens as such, but you might find some useful information on there (they are not transphobic, whatever you may have read online).

And keep talking here - there are lots of women who went through similar to you on MN, and came out the other side.

I get that. I don't feel like I've ever been able to fit in with females, for more than a few reasons. It's odd, it's all complicated, and no I don't see how it fits me. I can't say I've ever been mocked for it though. I've been lucky in the sense that when these things became important, I was surrounded by people who don't really care about them either, male and female. Outside of those people, I was ignored. Makeup is funnily enough one of the few things I can very, very occasionally abide. And I'm pretty sure that's only because it's on my own terms, and it's becoming more of a neutral thing nowadays.

I actually did attempt to get out on medication ages ago. I have what people would class as high functioning depression; I'm extremely depressed, but I can still function. Because of this, and the age, people wouldn't put me on medication. At all. Apparently I have to wait until I'm eighteen. This was... three years ago? Four? I haven't experienced an eating disorder, but I definitely hate my body.

I'll look into another therapist at some point, alongside some online services which provide similar therapy-like services for young people for free. I could, realistically, contact my old service, but mother would want to know why. She'd overreact, I think.

And I'll definitely check the link out, thanks. Once again, I've not read anything online. I don't disagree with the name; I feel like it is indeed a trend, or at least something people are jumping aboard without properly thinking about it, as hypocritical as that may be. Mind, I've interacted with way too many 11-14 year olds who use one of many made up genders. But thank you. I will check it out now.

one of the good things about getting older is the need to 'fit in' recedes with every year - and equally people become less tribal. Teenagers are a mash-up of being desperate to be unique but also wanting to fit in and be the same as everyone else!

You're last para makes you sound like you have your head screwed on. You're open-minded enough to listen to other opinions and research all sides of the debate, but not so open-minded your brains have fallen out and you'll believe any baloney. That can only be to the good.

It really is weird, being a teenager. I'm glad I'm coming to the end of it. I care less about what people think, but don't outwardly go out of my way to be unique. At least, not consciously.

I'm actually often told I'm pretty closed-minded, and it's only recently that I've been accepted back into lgbt circles following a bit of an issue. (I saw another one of those made up genders, asked about it and how they came to the conclusion (I was polite and everything. I don't understand where I went wrong) and got into a debate with someone else about a fourteen year old attempting to transition medically but not being allowed because of laws and stuff. That debate was then edited and passed around some of the smaller blogs I was following via pm's and I was shunned. Because I disagreed with a child making life changing decisions. I still firmly believe that eighteen is still too young but what can you do). So thank you. I think it's stupid to just not accept others opinions, whether you agree or not. It's important to know about the negatives as well, and often times people only disagree with others opinions because deep down they know that said opinions hold some truth. Not always, but often.

Oh bless you OP! What a helluva lot to manage at your age, and what you've already managed to survive, and so well by the sound of it. You have a really good head on your shoulders, you are considerate and clearly pursuing good academic and career prospects. You are young, have your whole life ahead of you, and everything to live for. Avoid pressure, and keep talking wherever you don't feel pressure, where its nonjudgmental for you.

My heart breaks for you that you are not able to share this load, especially with your DM, as you are saying sharing any unhappiness with her will just bring more problems. That will be reason to keep talking elsewhere to get yourself on top of issues as they come up for you.

TBH it can be very hard to find the right therapist for you, and yes, the lgbtq world does consider MN very poorly in terms of lgbtq issues, but hopefully you can again form your own impression of how supported or otherwise you feel here. I sincerely hope that you can feel able to keep talking things through, either here or in some supportive safe space for you.

From what others say, its very common to feel this way as part of ASD but I'm afraid I have no experience in this, only hearing others experiences that made me expect to hear you say at some point that you had ASD.

I think you've had some lovely supportive messages here, and I personally really hope you do feel able to keep talking and working through and letting us be a listening ear for you, as clearly any issues you have to work through are being compounded by having to 'manage' your DMs emotional fallout.

I understand why this makes your situation so difficult. What do you think you could say that would be acceptable, maybe even that you don't know what you feel either way, how much do you need her to know your current feelings? (Apologies for overly long post!)

I don't think becoming a transboy / transman will offer any of the solutions you are hoping to find. Sorry.

You sound absolutely lovely, and I just want to give you a big aspie hug! Please reach out and seek help if you're feeling so desperate that you're contemplating killing yourself - it would be a tragic loss when you clearly have so much potential and so much life to live.

I think you've articulated brilliantly here how you feel and what you're struggling with - do you think you might put that in a letter for your mum to describe what you've been feeling? That way, she can read it and re-read in her own time, and think things over before reacting. If she was fine when you came out to her, then I'd expect her to be supportive about this, too.

Have you got any true, supportive friends that you can talk to?