What would be the most appropriate way of coming out as transgender?

[crabishere]

Yes. Before anyone starts, I'm more than aware that this platform is Not For Me. I'm seventeen, not a parent. However, I'm looking for opinions from parents so... I'm hoping you won't yell at me for not fitting the demographic. I'm AFAB, meaning I was assigned female at birth. I'm transgender. I want to be a boy. I need to come out soon, or I risk messing up my mental health more. I'm very dysphoric (I don't know if people know what these terms mean; dysphoria is basically where you feel that you should be the opposite sex; it creates strong negative feelings. Sorry if I'm being pretentious or whatever. I genuinely just don't know the audience I'm talking to here). If I don't come out soon, I think I'll end up killing myself. This isn't a fun time.

Thing is, I'm not sure what the most appropriate way would be. My mother is a single parent, my father would find out from my brother (and he happens to be extremely transphobic, as well as my brother) but my mother is very chill, so I don't risk being kicked out. If, however, I am incorrect and I am kicked out, I have a place to stay at a friends. What I'm trying to ask is how would you like your child to come out to you? Like. If your child was trans, and you had the choice, how would you prefer your child to come out? I don't want to screw this up. I'm thinking face to face, but that puts me at risk of her immediate reactions. Any input would be great, thanks!

Good luck with your future, you will find the way that’s right for you if you give it time.

ImfinethankyouSusan thank you for posting that great video. OP did you have a have a chance to watch it? What was your opinion?

Very best wishes to you, I have 3 teens, my girls are aged 18 and 15 and of course I love them dearly.

I was just talking to my 15 year old in the past week and she said some of her behaviour is labeled "aggressive" that if she was a boy would be totally acceptable. I agree with her, she is assertive and I encourage her not to change as in my opinion it doesn't disadvantage her in the least to be a strong woman who is not intimidated. She is also tall and athletic at 5'9" and I compliment her all the time because often she feels that she is physically tall compared to other girls and therefore not "feminine" enough. Of course she is fine just as she is.

We all struggle to accept who were are, especially as teens and especially in a world that is extremely judgmental of women and how they should look and act. OP I would encourage you not to take hormones or do anything that would cause permanent physical change as you are going to continue to change and grow tremendously in the next few years and your opinions about what you want could also change.

There is one thing that struck me in your writing. And it was that you feel an aching for the other sexual organ so to speak. I am going to say this tentatively. And it is intended as such. Just a question for you to think about. But that aching for the other penis, lets call it what it is, is what sexual attraction is for me. So when I'm sexually aroused, I desperately want that penis in me. I really really want it. And that is entirely normal. I don't want to have the penis, but my body desperately needs the penis. It's an instinct.

From friends who have children who've suggested they might be transgender, there seems to be a lot of well known individuals and/or forums online suggesting that your own family are likely to kick you out, that your dad will be worse so your mum should tell your dad, it seems like a script.

I am very suspicious of these people and think they are really just trying to groom young people so they only have these individuals to rely on.

So don't be afraid of telling your parents, remember the UK is not the Bible Belt. They will still love you. They will hold your hand through the hard bits.

But also remember that however certain you feel, girls and women have an awful deal in this society and it's not too surprising that many of them don't want to go along with that. But a lot of people who are convinced they are transgender later become reconciled to their biological sex and realise you can live happily without following gender stereotypes.

Sorry; I've been at work today (it was unexplainably busy today. Possibly people going off for the weekend to celebrate Valentine's, or perhaps it's because the schools just broke up).

Thank you; my head is pretty okay most of the time. My thinking can still be rigid if I'm not properly educated on a subject, and I have a tendency to blow stuff out of proportion at times. But I suppose that's irrelevant. So thank you. Honestly, I feel better supported and understood here than I do in the community which is supposed to support and help people with my issues, which says a lot, but I'll get to that. And if I end up hearing anything against this site, you can bet I'll be arguing against it haha. I really have received so many lovely comments, and I think it's wrong to just base an entire site on the small vocal minority. As for my mother, she's... an odd one. It doesn't matter how I word things, she always takes things to the extreme. She's already under enough stress in regards to my brother as it is (he's got some extreme anger issues; the type where she hides the knives "just in case" even though she doesn't believe he will do anything. She's fighting to get him an autism diagnoses too, she has been for years).

I tried talking to one of my friends much earlier on. She wasn't really... supportive? I don't think it's against me, or down to prejudices she may hold, she just has a lot on. I've spoken to my adult friend (apparently saying this can lead to strange ideas; I call her my adult friend because she is in fact an adult. Not because of anything... promiscuous?) and she is helpful, but is around as much as she has a lot on too. Don't we all, I suppose.

I actually have got to watch the last ten minutes, as I ended up pausing it after each question to better take stuff in. I can be slow when it comes to processing information. It's quite interesting in more than one way; not only can I see where they're coming from, and almost certainly feel it's probably what's on with me, but the social group answering the questions. And some of the things said are so relatable it's almost painful. But makes total sense. I've slowly come to think more on my original doubt, on the idea of rejecting my gender based more on what it's resulted for me. It's easier to just run away, rather than deal with it, if that makes sense. I've already decided to hold off on changing myself in any way, as right now I've kind of hit some revelation. What I feel is real, don't get me wrong. But it's there not because I was "born in the wrong body" as so many like to put it, but because in my head it's be easier to be in the other body. And maybe one day I'll decide that's the only way to go on, but right now I'm thinking trying to fix it in other ways first, or at least learn to cope, would be a better route first.

I'm not sure if it's arousal, but that's a hard one. I've never been involved with someone, romantically or sexually. It's... hard. The idea of something being inside of me can physically sicken me at times, but it's also important to hold in mind that I'm not a big fan of touch in general. It's an idea though, and I'll keep it in mind because it's completely valid, and would make sense.

You've right to be suspicious. Very much so. Involving myself in the wider community was a very, very bad decision. They aren't bad people, I don't think they're attempting to groom people, at least not with ill intent. But at the same time, I can see where the grooming suspicion takes place, and honestly if I wasn't so in it, I would too. It's a strange echo-chamber of validation. You see constant posts that claim so much as stepping foot on those boards makes you trans. It's so weird, as they often say that only you can tell if your trans, and yet you have so many people telling you that your trans. And it's so hard to escape. If you try to doubt yourself, and explain your reasons your doubting yourself, you have people arguing against it, telling you your wrong. I've literally been told "you like wearing boy clothes, why else would you like that if you weren't a guy". Oh I don't know, maybe I just feel more comfortable in them? It is odd how some areas of the lgbt community argue so much against gendering things, and then you have this area which doesn't gender things as "guys can like make up too" and yet the minute I throw on a mans coat I'm a guy? It's really hard to think straight in such a cult-like atmosphere. I've removed myself from most places. I have a friend I've made who is a good friend; but they keep telling me it's okay to doubt myself because "I know deep down I'm a guy, I just need to work through my ideas on masculinity". The worst thing I ever did was involve myself in these places during such a vulnerable time, because I have kind of just left myself open to... I don't want to use manipulation, but like. I see it as, particularly adults, desperately trying to make kids feel valid, as that's what they needed and didn't get when younger. I read of a story where a woman was about to start male puberty at twelve, so these trans women basically supplied this child with a years worth of estrogen. It was mental. And I think these kids are so vulnerable, and so desperate for validation, that they end up being pushed into this thought process. I also believe these younger people, particularly those below fourteen, exaggerate their parents reaction. I have recently began to wonder this as everyone I talk to or have seen online talk about their parents are literally the worst parents in the world. I used to believe this because my father is very much the typical father in these posts. My parents are divorced, I've not seen him for five years. His way of thinking poisoned me for years, and that's partly why I think I feel this way. He really is one of the worst people I've ever had to know, and that isn't me exaggerating. He's about as vile as you can get before throwing him into prison. He probably could face charges for "casual child abuse" (I see the term thrown around a lot, and it's definitely fitting). My mother is fine. She just overreacts a lot, and she's lost a daughter before. Even the idea of losing another one could upset her.

I want to thank everyone again. I really can't express how lovely everyone is, which is crazy. This site really does have an terribly inaccurate representation.

I realised just now that perhaps my opinion on the communities I'm involved in came across as... not very nice. While I believe the communities are unhealthy, and quite... not very good, that doesn't mean I believe the people in them are bad. At all. The individuals are all great, and very helpful at times. But it's when you put them together it becomes bad. But that is more down to the behaviours exhibited by the social group. Crikey, I could write an essay on it. It's so interesting? But definitely unhealthy.

I'm glad for your sake that you have decided to give yourself time. From your first posts there was a sense of urgency about you, now though you seem willing to take your time. That might be disappointing for you to have to wait, but I personally think it's very wise. If you ever feel like it's getting all too much for you again, you could talk to your mother about it being something that you've been mulling over but haven't yet come to a conclusive decision on yet.

I totally get what you're saying about the lgbt groups probably being biased. Of course they want you to feel supported and of course they won't want you to have to go through difficulties they have experienced but I think you were right to seek opinions outside of that mindset. Support groups such as those would be more important to you further down the line when you are 100% confident in your decision.

Hopefully you can get a GP appointment soon to discuss everything - physical and psychological with them. If you are careful who you confide in and consult with, you are likely to get more balanced advice.

I’m so glad you’re taking time to think about where you go next. My niece is autistic and is rushing into trans headlong. Her family is extremely Male centric and homophobic and I can’t shake the feeling that she is simply a young lesbian, like her sister. The family is more accepting of her being trans that her sister be a lesbian. It’s so sad. Knowing this young lady since she was a baby and how she is, I strongly suspect that when she gets what she wants, ie hysterectomy, mastectomy and drugs, she will still feel lost, especially when reality hits. I think she’s going to be looking for the next thing to ‘cure’ her from the feeling of not fitting in.

I hope you find a way to be comfortable with who you are and grow to love yourself. It sounds like you have a lot of adult issues to deal with and that would mak3 anyone feel lost. Good luck for the future.

I think there was more urgency because I need the feelings to stop, but I didn't understand where it was all coming from. By talking to people from many places, not just here, I realise that there's more to it than just gender; that there's a high chance I'm not even trans. This week I've had a lot of time to think, I've not been able to do much at all. Talking to her about the possibility I suppose will be inevitable at some point; I'll get too relaxed over a glass of wine or she'll find something or my brother will find out somehow because I swear he finds out everything. But at the minute I think people are right; just chill. I should have just chilled out to begin with, and look where it got me.
As for the community, I wouldn't say a lot of it's helpful anyway; I've seen a lot of segregation amongst the community, and the way some people treat others is quite shocking in all honesty. I'll have to be careful who I talk to. It's more younger members honestly, a lot of adults are pretty alright. Though I find that about people anyway.
And yeah. I need that appointment; I need to go over a few things so it's better to get it done sooner.

Honestly, if I wasn't having doubts or wasn't really looking to slow down I wouldn't have come here. Like, I was aware that I would be told by at least one person that I need to slow up as I'm young. I needed to be told that. I can't just tell myself that, because I'm reckless and irresponsible. Kind of. I think it's easier for a lot of people nowadays to take being a straight male over being a lesbian; if you don't fit into the stereotypes then it's almost hard to accept it. It's so weird. Even when I went to therapy originally, I was asked by these adults, professional adults, about my sexuality. And I told them. So they immediately asked about my gender identity, and if that could be why I was gay. At the time I was pushing the notion away, it was too much to think about, so I just answered no. Bit of a weird question. From what I've read, there's a good chance your niece will still feel lost, and possibly regret the changes. I think that it's definitely important to experiment, especially when you're in a position to do so, but looking at it from a realistic viewpoint... hormones and surgery are a bloomin' expensive way of experimenting. And pretty hard to reverse.
One day. One day I'll find a way to like who I am. It's a slow process; I've only just found a group of people who like me for me, and not been told to be my friend. It's nice. The adult issues are things which, while it would supposedly be beneficial for me not to experience them, have helped me become who I am, and as a result I thank them. Thank you; I'm going to need all the luck I can get haha.

Give yourself time. There is no harm in exploring who you are with lived experience, not just the internet. Once I went out into the world I found out so much more about who I could be, rather than the narrow definitions my all-girls school gave me. You are young. Being a female is often really fucking hard at times. I play rugby and that was one way I totally changed my view on gender, sexuality and identity. I found my people. I also realised being a woman could be a powerful thing. Tough, no nonsense girls and women who had each others’ backs. Changed my life.

Explore your options. Find your thing. Seek mental equilibrium where you can. Only once all possibilities are explored should you consider changing your body medically, but maybe, by the time you are 25, it’ll be the right thing. But 25 is still so so young and if you transition then you will still 50-70 years from there, so taking time now won’t impact a life well lived and well loved.

It's difficult navigating teen years. Very difficult. I remember telling my neighbour once when I was a teen that I needed to 'find' myself. She nearly died laughing.
We still laugh about it now if I ask about one of her children 'Oh she's off finding herself'.
You will look back at these angst years and laugh I hope.
And I hope you do find yourself! I was in my early 20's though before I finally figured out who I was. And that knowledge comes from who you find you fit in with - work, social situations etc.

You're quite introspective, but I see teenagers a bit like a ship on a stormy sea, without a captain.

Adults and friends can help you steer that ship into calmer waters. You're nearly there!