Were you ever hit as a child?

[ribenita]

Were you hit as a child? How has your experience affected your treatment of your own children?

When I was growing up, my mum might give me a smack.
But if I was really “naughty” or annoyed my dad, I’d get smacked with the wooden spoon. Hand out and whack with the spoon across the palm. If you pulled your hand away you’d get another one. If you dared back chat, you’d get another one. Even if you knew you were right, you’d get another whack on whack on whack with the wooden spoon until you admitted you were wrong. Sadistic bastard.

If we stormed off to our rooms, you could hear the drawer where the wooden spoons were held open, and your heart would drop in dread.

I remember once, I was about 14 and he smacked me with the spoon. I grabbed it and whacked him back with it and then ran like the wind across the fields for several hours. He didn’t do it often after that.

Yep. Frequently and for any reason. The third time I met my step dad (to be) he hit me. He was an alkie and dragged my lovely mum down with him. She too became violent. If they weren't punching the shit out of each other they'd gang up on us. Either way my life was miserable. I once crept up on my mum and went Boo! She punched me in the head and I fell through the glass coffee table. I was 8. I've forgiven my mum but can't forget. She's very apologetic but it doesn't change the fact that my childhood was horrific and she let a man physically abuse us.

It never seemed to be as a punishment, more as a warning of pain to come if I blithely ignored her warnings of pain/mutilation/death.

Naughty punishments were more about deprivation of treats and privileges until earned back.

The 1970s-everyone-did-it school of smacking does seem to divide into:

Smacking (i.e. with a hand) because the child was in danger and not listening (but otherwise, other types of discipline).

Smacking (with a hand) as a punishment for various naughty behaviour.

Beating (with an implement) for bad behaviour or just because the parent is violent themselves.

While I don't condone them, I can really see how a desperate scared parent could do the first one even if they generally disagree with smacking. It's this type of situation that we find leads to us restraining our DS, and he thinks (even if it's not true, though sadly sometimes it is) that we are hurting him. And when you're in a fight or flight situation, with your DC in danger, your reactions are sometimes not the best.

Basically if the people you love (your parents) hurt and terrify you and your mother doesn't protect you, then you come to believe anyone you love will eventually do the same. It cripples you emotionally

I couldn't agree more. My mother used to beat me black and blue with wooden spoon, pokers and lengths of plastic pipe for pretty much no reason. She was also very controlling - I was allowed to make no decisions of my own.

It's left me with anxiety, trust issues and various OCD like behaviours.

I find it really difficult not to repeat the pattern of my relationship with my mum with my wife but have sworn I will not repeat with my daughter.

Yes. Backside with a hairbrush. I was quite naughty though.

It made me want to never smack mine and I didn't. They were very much better behaved than I was though. I dont know why that was, or if it waa just luck. They both seemed sensible beyond their years and very perceptive as to how actions have real consequences.

I was smacked by everyone in my family growing up all the time which really affected me. The two that stand out is while on a family holiday to Spain my great aunt as I was running around as a 5 yr old with no warning smacked me with the back of her hand. I can still remember the red throbbing cheek that stung for ages after no one told her off. The second my gran lost her temper as I was leaving for school as a 9 yr old, and pulled the hat on my head in temper, it caught the back of my earring and pulled it through to the centre and I needed hospital treatment where they had to cut a hole in the back of my ear and retreated it through there. I have never hit my children as a result.

Yes my brother and I were given hidings with a belt up and till the age of 10 after which my dad would use grounding etc to punish us.

Never did us any harm, we were raise d about rights and wrongs and if you did wrong there were repercussions.

I was smacked a lot as a child, my mum was quite proud of the marks she left on me.

Also soap in the mouth, humiliating and degrading treatment. I have no children, partly because I am too much like my mother.

Also my mum's then best mate used to hit her kids viciously and violently. She didn't care who saw it. Me and her son climbed up on to the garages in front of our block of flats. My dad saw us (real dad who died when I was 9) and told us to get down. I went first and was fine then he tried but lost his footing and cut his head open. His mum picks him up by his hair (he had red curls) and starts beating him up for fucking around and showing her up. I was terrified and started screaming. Not one adult stepped in. When she came round I would shake with fear. I asked my mum why no one did anything to help the boy but she said it was nothing to do with her.

I was smacked lightly on the bum/back of legs now and again - rarely and only if I was being a complete brat from memory. My childhood was fantastic and I don't look back on this with any issues. I was born in the late 70's.

I do remember I had a stage of biting people and my great aunt once bit me back (not hard enough to mark) and I never bit anyone again so that worked!

I am genuinely not scarred emotionally from this at all. I am not 100% sure if I would do this with my own DC, but am not totally against it which is not popular on mumsnet but is honest.

DH went to a very strict public school where they still had caning!

I was smacked as a child. I don't smack my children . I think we've come a long way in realising it's a poorly educated way to discipline children. Parents of precious generations weren't 'educated' like we all are now. Children were given a lesser status. Seen and not heard and do as your told kind of mantra. We just don't treat children like that anymore as a general rule. It's frowned upon. Being smacked didn't leave any scars on me. I don't judge my parents because they're good people but I do remember the name calling and labels and that is far far far worse and does leave an impact. Its something I never do to my children. I've never called them a name. I'm not a fan of modern psychology but I do buy into the avoidance of labels such as 'naughty' 'bad' 'liar' etc. I never retrospectively punish either.

I do remember I had a stage of biting people and my great aunt once bit me back (not hard enough to mark) and I never bit anyone again so that worked!

My DD (2 1/2 years younger) once bit my DS after he'd bitten her (he was standing next to her high chair - she must have been about 18 months).
While sadly he HAS bitten her since then it was a regular occurrence before this happened and has only happened a handful of times since then and I didn't even have to bite anyone!

@drspouse
Ha! I remember that I was at school at that time - so at least 4.5 and I think nearer to 5 so definitely old enough to understand it was wrong. I remember being so shocked!
I even bit my best friend - I can remember it as clear as day. No idea why. If one of the children had bitten back I am sure it would have helped stop it. What a brat I was

My mum would tell us my dad would smack us when he got home and he did. I could tell even then he didn’t like it and it would be very light.

However, when he lost his temper he would scream at us, throw things and say awful, hurtful things.

That was way worse imo. I believe his dad beat him, but it’s never been discussed openly. As an adult I can tell he has some undiagnosed mental health issue. But as he would never consider the idea or seek therapy, I doubt it will ever be dealt with. He’s definitely mellowed as he has aged, but he’s still very controlling and quick to anger.

I’m a very anxious person, childhood was full of anxiety and worry for me, I was picked on at school too which didn’t help. I’m a lot more confident now I’m my 30s than ever.

My son can be quite violent, normal as he’s a toddler, but I’ve scared myself by pinching too hard when restraining him, or pulling away when he’s been lunging for me and making him fall over. He’s so small and even unintentionally hurting him feels terrible.

Yes. Backside with a hairbrush. I was quite naughty though

I find it quite sad that so many people seem to think they “deserved” to be hit.

I was naughty, i pushed buttons, i never did x again.

Translate that to if your adult partner hit you.
The theme there is often I/you deserve it. If you didn’t do x or y I wouldn’t hit you.

What sort of lesson does it teach the child? That ot’s ok for someone you love to hit you if they say you deserve it?

Yes, I was definitely spanked as a child and if it was really bad, then my dad would use a belt.

I don't think it has affected me though. I do not spank my DS and I have a good relationship with my parents.

I was hit, not so much as a punishment, but because DM would lose control. So eg I might be having a tantrum, or be super tired, or just cry because I was upset, and DM wasn't able to deal with it for whatever reason of her own - so I got hit and/or shoved away into my room to stay there until I knew to be quiet.

There were a lot of issues in my early childhood, to be fair, and DM has completely amnesia about it all, it seems. I have MH issues, though there's no way to know if I'd have them anyway, I suppose. I actually get along with DM quite well, and she has many wonderful characteristics, too, so I've always been quite "split" in my view of both my parents and my childhood. It's hard to hold the good and bad in mind at once.

I don't have kids, but when I was planning and hoping to have them, I actually took a course on early childhood development and read a lot, hoping that would make me a more consistant and better parents, and no I wouldn't have wanted to hit my kids!

I was smacked. Not beaten or abused but I got pla slap on the bum if I did something really naughty or dangerous. Born mid eighties.

I don't feel like it's damaged me in any way. But I do not agree with smacking children - aside from anything else how are you supposed to teach them that 'we don't hit/hurt people' etc if you do it to them? - and I have never laid a finger on my children. Me and DH are both smacked and both agree that we will never smack ours.

'Smacking' often meant abuse in years gone by and even the odd smack on the bum is now an outdated and lazy parenting method I think. All it shows is you've lost control of the situation so you frighten or hurt your children into behaving. Not the way I want to raise mine thanks.

I was abused, but that's a different thing. I was beaten & physically hurt in different ways because the adults in my family wanted to, because for some of them it was sexually gratifying, because they wanted the control... Either way it made it really important to me to teach DD no one has the right to hurt her or make her feel scared and she should tell somebody, even if it's her mummy or daddy she's scared of.

Smacking for punishment is never something I'd do because if we teach children it's wrong to hit, why then hit them? I'd rather do something like show DD how sad it would make the person and have her write apology cards (as we have done).

I did smack the back of her hand when she went to touch the stove with a hot pan on once but that was more because I was trying to push her hand out the way and grab the pan. She was so upset that I had hit her and I was so worried about her being burned we both ended up crying together! She's never reached for the hot stove since and still talks about how it's healthy to cry if you're upset, even for mummies :')

I was hit a very great deal as a child, for good reasons and bad. Which of course makes ALL the reasons bad, because even at a young age I realised the hitting was going to happen anyway. So I became a secretive and sullen child, and grew up angry and cruel.

Got better, took a while.

@Curiousdad18. My exH had exactly those conditions too. Unfortunately he had no insight into his behaviour and was verbally and physically abusive to me too. Underneath I knew he was a confused and frightened little boy, but without personal recognition of his problems there was nothing could save the marriage.

I was smacked with a hand and a wooden spoon. That is until I hit back and gave my dad a black eye. I don't think it did me any permanent harm, but I wouldn't smack my kids.

Also got smacked at school with a hand and a wooden ruler.

Both my parents hit me. I remember the sting on my arm when my DF slapped very hard, and the red hand print. My Dm kept a piece of bamboo cane by her chair and used it on our legs. I was terrified of my df and I'm having counselling now (over 40 years later) because I can't forget the pain and the fear. Neither of them should have had kids, they really didn't like them. It was all about control. The emotional abuse was worse in some ways. They were cold, critical, bad tempered people who couldn't show any affection or remorse. I look back at myself in 1970, when I was a tiny, terrified, severely anxious little person who wet the bed and I think how could they? I did the opposite of what they'd done when I had my children. DM is dead now and DF is 86 but I still have nightmares where he's chasing me up the stairs and the terror is incredibly vivid. I have a lot of work to do to come to terms with things.

Yes. 1980s. When my parents were tired or stressed.

My dad never smacked us, I remember the threat coming a lot from my mum but she only ever slapped me once and tbh I deserved it. I was a pre-teen pushing the boundaries and finally pushed my mum over the edge.

I have smacked my boys and it makes me feel awful. A handful of times when I was near hysterical with their behaviour - not that it justifies it.

Mainly from my mother. I've never got over it and have a lot of problems now into adulthood because of it.