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Original poster

Really don't know what to do about MIL

57 replies

cupofteasolveseverything · 06/02/2019 19:53

I know a lot of people complain, and I also know it's hard to be a MIL instead of a M but I really need to see if this is normal behaviour.

MIL and I actually have a great relationship despite this post. It was a bit tricky at first as me and her son have quite an age gap and we only got together because I was pregnant but we had chats and spent days together and since we've gotten to really know each other it's been great, especially with DS and she was a lot more supportive than my own mum when I found out not long after having first son that I was pregnant again. Now DS2 is a micro-preemie and due to this, it came out in convo that I had a miscarriage ten years ago and MIL's behaviour has completely changed! Anything to do with either of my sons, she has to do. When I'm breastfeeding, she watches me with a critical eye (which I find sort of invasive but is way better than when she used to hold him whilst I breastfed), the first time I went to hold DS2 after she found out about my miscarriage, she took him from me! She came round our house the other day, asked Partner where I was, to which he replied “in the nursery with DS1” and she screamed “on her own!” and rushed up to the boy's nursery. Unfortunately, at the time, DS1 was having a screaming fit and she ripped him from my arms and took him to the bathroom, locking the door!

I know the first response will be 'talk to Partner' and I will but I want to hear from strangers first about the behaviour. I guess, I kind of want something to show Partner if he completely disagrees with me. I need back up. So is this normal? Has anyone else had a miscarriage and their MIL's have done this? Is it a problem that needs sorting or something that will sort itself? Or am I just being sensitive?

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 06/02/2019 19:59

You need to sit her down and ask what the hell is wrong with her.
Do not let her go till she tells you why she is doing this...

Twisique · 06/02/2019 20:01

Is English her first language? Could she have misunderstood what a miscarriage is?

MrsBertBibby · 06/02/2019 20:03

she used to hold him whilst I breastfed
Say what?

MummaGiles · 06/02/2019 20:06

No. Not normal. This needs to be sorted out ASAP.

MrsBertBibby · 06/02/2019 20:06

That is absolutely not normal behaviour, OP.

Original poster
cupofteasolveseverything · 06/02/2019 20:06

English is her only language. She's from the North and I'm from the South West but I don't think the language is really that different.

And yeah, I sort of gathered I would probably have to talk to her. It's really hard though - I've lived with the guilt that my daughter died and I'll always live with it. I'm still not over it. That conversation would probably take a lot out of me. I really don't think I could take it if she actually blamed me.

OP posts:
Original poster
cupofteasolveseverything · 06/02/2019 20:09

MrsBertBibby -- she would hold him in her arms whilst sitting very close to me. Yes, it was as awkward and humiliating as it sounds. She wasn't going to let me breast feed him but luckily the nurse at the hospital came to my aid.

OP posts:
Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 06/02/2019 20:09

She held him while you bf him? Oh my days you need some boundaries asap.

MummaGiles · 06/02/2019 20:10

Wasn’t going to let you breastfeed him? She sounds unhinged. Please talk to your partner about this. Why is she allowed so much access and say?

MrsBertBibby · 06/02/2019 20:11

I don't think you need to talk to her. Your partner does.

Bloody hell OP. You are very unsure of your partner's support. That also isn't right. I've been there with a much older partner. It is very easy for a power imbalance to develop.

Weezol · 06/02/2019 20:12

Does she know what a miscarriage is? She sounds very, very odd indeed.

MrsBertBibby · 06/02/2019 20:12

She wasn't going to let me breast feed him

How did she propose to prevent you? And what gave her the idea she could? Why did you need to be rescued by a nurse?

MrsBertBibby · 06/02/2019 20:13

OP, please, please talk to your midwife/Healrh Visitor about this. Your situation sounds really difficult.

Fairenuff · 06/02/2019 20:15

What do you mean she wasn't going to 'let' you? How could she stop you? I don't understand why you are having difficulty in telling her to leave your dcs alone.

RolandDeschainsGilly · 06/02/2019 20:16

I’ve read some things on here but this is fucking ridiculous.

OP your MIL is fucking bat shit in a terrifying way.

Wasn’t going to let you breastfeed?
Held your baby whilst you were feeding?
Rips your micro preemie from your arms?

I’d have dropped the cunt by now.

Unbelievable.

Twisique · 06/02/2019 20:17

How old is she?

Does she live with you/do you live with her?

Original poster
cupofteasolveseverything · 06/02/2019 20:18

Okay. The breastfeeding issue. When I had DS1 not only was I a pretty young mother but I also struggled with breastfeeding. My own mother couldn't breastfeed me so I didn't have anyone else to go to to ask advice, so I asked her. she helped me a lot with DS1.

Also about my Partner. we are still new in the relationship so though we know we're not in it for the wrong reasons, we haven't yet gotten much balance. We're working on it. I'm going to talk to partner just I wanted to know from strangers that I wasn't overreacting first, that's all. It's just the type of person I am.

OP posts:
mimibunz · 06/02/2019 20:22

Why are you letting this happen? It’s so completely abnormal! Stand up for yourself! Honestly I can’t believe you have to ask.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 06/02/2019 20:22

You're absolutely, totally 100% not overreacting!!!
Her behaviour is dreadful and very strange. You are the baby's mother. She needs to respect that!

Fairenuff · 06/02/2019 20:25

If my MIL had locked herself in the bathroom with my baby I'd have broken the door down.

TurquoiseWeekend · 06/02/2019 20:25

Do you live with her OP?

ChaosTrulyReigns · 06/02/2019 20:28

I'm wondering about the time line here, have I misunderstood? You've has two boys in close succession as a young mom, but had a miscarriage 10years ago?

Youve been through a lot, let your partner set down some boundaries for his mother.

CoastalLife · 06/02/2019 20:29

DS1 was having a screaming fit and she ripped him from my arms and took him to the bathroom, locking the door!

Genuinely I think I'd have called the police.

OP, this is not normal. It sounds as though, in the fog of pregnancy/new relationship/preemie baby/young toddler madness you've been swept into this new family dynamic and these people have made you feel like it's normal. It's really not ok. This woman is unhinged. Does your partner know about the things you've written here? Does he know that she locked herself away from you with the baby? Does he know she stares at you while you feed and won't allow you to be allow with your own child? If so, has he honestly said nothing about it?

MustBeAWeasly · 06/02/2019 20:31

And I thought I had issues with my mil...
Why can't you be alone with ds? If anyone took my dd from my arms and locked themselves in the bathroom the door would be off the hinges and theyd be out the house before they could blink. I'd do absolutely apeshit.

cstaff · 06/02/2019 20:32

This is too weird OP. You need to talk with your partner. Does he even know what is going on. Bizarre!

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