Really don't know what to do about MIL

[cupofteasolveseverything]

I know a lot of people complain, and I also know it's hard to be a MIL instead of a M but I really need to see if this is normal behaviour.

MIL and I actually have a great relationship despite this post. It was a bit tricky at first as me and her son have quite an age gap and we only got together because I was pregnant but we had chats and spent days together and since we've gotten to really know each other it's been great, especially with DS and she was a lot more supportive than my own mum when I found out not long after having first son that I was pregnant again. Now DS2 is a micro-preemie and due to this, it came out in convo that I had a miscarriage ten years ago and MIL's behaviour has completely changed! Anything to do with either of my sons, she has to do. When I'm breastfeeding, she watches me with a critical eye (which I find sort of invasive but is way better than when she used to hold him whilst I breastfed), the first time I went to hold DS2 after she found out about my miscarriage, she took him from me! She came round our house the other day, asked Partner where I was, to which he replied “in the nursery with DS1” and she screamed “on her own!” and rushed up to the boy's nursery. Unfortunately, at the time, DS1 was having a screaming fit and she ripped him from my arms and took him to the bathroom, locking the door!

I know the first response will be 'talk to Partner' and I will but I want to hear from strangers first about the behaviour. I guess, I kind of want something to show Partner if he completely disagrees with me. I need back up. So is this normal? Has anyone else had a miscarriage and their MIL's have done this? Is it a problem that needs sorting or something that will sort itself? Or am I just being sensitive?

How long has DS been out of NICU? The best reason I can think of for her behavior is that she doesn't think you can care properly for him because you have spent your time up to a few weeks ago with days blurring and not paying attention (in your words). Did she also look after your first DC at this time? I think that it's probably coincidental timing wrt to miscarriage cement. Either that, or she feels that has made you more fragile than she originally thought.

However, she has overstepped the mark, and you have let her. Holding baby while you bfeed is bat shit, no idea why you would have gone along with it.

Are you able to look after both DC yourself now? If so, say thanks for the help, but you'd like to get along by yourself now. If not, your partner needs to step up. 25 is plenty old enough to be able to sort yourself with two DC.

I don’t have anything helpful to add about the MIL- all I could think of was that she doesn’t know what a miscarriage is. But you say she does-so she just sounds deranged.

But I am wondering whether you have had any help working through your rape and miscarriage- that’s a really huge deal. And please, please please make sure you’re using really really effective contraception.

Talk to HV about MIL too! She’s terrifyingly batshit!!! (And possibly has plans to take your babies)

I am so sorry about everything you've been through. This does seem like a toxic situation I'm afraid and you are in no way overreacting. When you mentioned your miscarriage to MIL did you use the word miscarriage or did you use 'lost'? I ask just in case she massively got the wrong end of the stick and thought you actually misplaced a baby or perhaps had one taken away by social services. Unlikely, but if she did it could explain the shift in her confidence in your capabilities. She sounds as though she has problems with trusting others though, she loves your sons dearly and wants to protect them but is (really) struggling to work out how to do this. Please don't let her behaviour undermine your confidence in yourself as a parent though. Some of the best parents I know have been younger than you when they became parents. You sound like a smart independent woman, you can deal with this. Best of luck.

Your partner does need to be told abut the batshit crazy things his mother is doing. If it were me I simply wouldn't have her in the house with me without him shadowing her watching her every move and if you say no he needs to back you up unequivocally. HE needs to take control of his mother, and you need to be 100x more assertive in protecting your children against her crazy behaviour.

I definitely think either he, you, or you both together need to sit down with her and clear up what she thinks happened with your miscarriage. It does sound like she thinks you killed your own babe in arms or something!

Write down as much as you can remember and keep a record going forward, also talk to your HV and Dr about her. Make sure she doesn't have a chance to discredit you, get in first. She might up her game as she senses you getting stronger and pushing back.

Her behaviour is sooo batshit that it is possible that she genuinely believes the babies are at risk. There needs to be a 3 way conversation to find out what’s happening.