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Original poster

Really don't know what to do about MIL

57 replies

cupofteasolveseverything · 06/02/2019 19:53

I know a lot of people complain, and I also know it's hard to be a MIL instead of a M but I really need to see if this is normal behaviour.

MIL and I actually have a great relationship despite this post. It was a bit tricky at first as me and her son have quite an age gap and we only got together because I was pregnant but we had chats and spent days together and since we've gotten to really know each other it's been great, especially with DS and she was a lot more supportive than my own mum when I found out not long after having first son that I was pregnant again. Now DS2 is a micro-preemie and due to this, it came out in convo that I had a miscarriage ten years ago and MIL's behaviour has completely changed! Anything to do with either of my sons, she has to do. When I'm breastfeeding, she watches me with a critical eye (which I find sort of invasive but is way better than when she used to hold him whilst I breastfed), the first time I went to hold DS2 after she found out about my miscarriage, she took him from me! She came round our house the other day, asked Partner where I was, to which he replied “in the nursery with DS1” and she screamed “on her own!” and rushed up to the boy's nursery. Unfortunately, at the time, DS1 was having a screaming fit and she ripped him from my arms and took him to the bathroom, locking the door!

I know the first response will be 'talk to Partner' and I will but I want to hear from strangers first about the behaviour. I guess, I kind of want something to show Partner if he completely disagrees with me. I need back up. So is this normal? Has anyone else had a miscarriage and their MIL's have done this? Is it a problem that needs sorting or something that will sort itself? Or am I just being sensitive?

OP posts:

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 06/02/2019 20:34

This isn’t normal. This is batshit! The baby is your baby, not hers, and what you say goes. You do not have to do what anyone else says.

Fairenuff · 06/02/2019 20:35

I get the feeling OP is about 26, her bf is about 40 and MIL is in her 60s.

NoraEphronsneck · 06/02/2019 20:37

Yes I think you're right fairenuff

stayathomer · 06/02/2019 20:39

Any chance she thought miscarriage was suicide attempt or murder or ... clutching at straws too but it sounds like she thinks you're a danger to your child. She is being horrifically out of order and if your partner doesn't think this too then youre in a worrying family OP. And I'm not being over dramatic. What do your family think? Sorry if I've missed more but you said she was there more for you than dm? Can you get your dm to come stay for a while? You need to be around other people, friends and family

Original poster

cupofteasolveseverything · 06/02/2019 20:39

Okay that's a lot of replies. Someone asked about the timeline. I'll be 25 this year, so ten years ago, I was 14 when I had a miscarriage. I was raped when I was 13. So yes, I've been through a lot.

Partner works a lot. I'm in Uni, not got a job and with two children under 2, his income is very necessary. The thing about the bathroom is the only thing he knows about. I would have liked to bang the door down but I just broke down. Naturally, the miscarriage has been on my mind a lot and then suddenly, another child of mine is gone and I just, my dam broke and the water poured. Partner rushed upstairs, asked if anything happen, took baby from him and passed our son back to me. she was left in the background.

OP posts:

Original poster

cupofteasolveseverything · 06/02/2019 20:42

My mum lives in my home village down south. I'm up north with Partner's family. My mum stayed for two months in a hotel whilst micro-preemie was in hospital but she's not a rich woman and had to go back down south to work. she can't really afford time off nor another visit, what with train prices having raised ect. she's only a phone call away but I'm mostly surrounded by his family. and no, before anyone says it was his idea, I came up here for Uni, met him and you know the rest.

OP posts:

Bestseller · 06/02/2019 20:46

I can't believe you haven't already talked to your partner about it. For example , the first time his mother wanted to hold the baby while you nursed why wouldn't you have a "you'll never believe what your mum did today" conversation?

Talk to your partner, not to MIL and make sure he sorts it out

Gazelda · 06/02/2019 20:52

This isn't a problem that will 'sort itself'. It needs tackling by your DP. In the meantime, avoid being with MIL unless DP is also there. Show her you are a united family and that he trusts the D.C. with you.

Fairenuff · 06/02/2019 20:54

Do you live with your MIL?

Original poster

cupofteasolveseverything · 06/02/2019 21:00

Fairenuff -- Another question a lot of people have asked. Sorry I'm alone with the babies at the moment (I convinced Partner to go out with his brothers tonight as he's been working very hard and 'suggested' he take his mother with him. Don't worry, my idea of a good night is staying in with a good book and having a bath. It's why I posted tonight. I'm on my own)

No, we don't live with MIL. Partner had his own home years ago and I moved in with him. We're saving for our own home. She doesn't live very close though. Quite a long walk, half an hour or so, but is in walking distance. She happens to have a car though, so she can be at our house in five minutes or so.

OP posts:

Original poster

cupofteasolveseverything · 06/02/2019 21:03

Oh and Bestseller, the reason why I haven't spoke to Partner is because, in the early days I was either asleep, staring into space or crying my eyes out, I certainly didn't want to talk to him, or anyone, about anything. My baby was in the NICU. Also, like I said, he works a lot so we've got plenty of money. It's only been within the last few weeks or so that I've even really started noticing her behaviour as something weird. before that I was pretty much out of it. The days blurred and I didn't pay much attention. It's only through looking back that I 'saw' what she was doing.

OP posts:

Bestseller · 06/02/2019 21:06

Fair enough, but even so, you seem very reticent to speak to him

Zzz1234 · 06/02/2019 21:08

we are still new in the relationship you have had time to make two kids with him, it’s not a new relationship

Fairenuff · 06/02/2019 21:12

Ok you do need to speak to him and agree with him some boundaries for his mother. She should be restricted to visiting at times convenient to you and he needs to back you up in this.

TowelNumber42 · 06/02/2019 21:12

Now you've seen her behaviour for the batshittery it is you can prepare for the next nonsense.

Imagine scenarios and your strong calm reaction. You are now a woman who takes no shit. Think about how you want to behave with her. Then that is more likely to be your natural reaction.

Remember sometimes people get wrapped up in themselves. Having a small outburst towards them can be tremendously helpful.

Pumpkintopf · 06/02/2019 21:14

Wtaf?

Your MIL is behaving like a crazy person. What was it to do with her whether you breastfed or not? She wasn't going to 'let you'?! She took your baby from you and locked the door?!

Please get some support op. Either from your partner, a friend, a health visitor... this is nowhere near normal.

Original poster

cupofteasolveseverything · 06/02/2019 21:25

Zzz1234 -- I know you don't mean anything by it, so I'll just calmly explain. We've actually only been together for a year. It wasn't until I was six months with our first we got together. And I know people will judge me for this but it was a one night stand, we weren't drunk but we were a bit tipsy so our inhibitions were down. I didn't see him and I wasn't going to tell him but then we bumped into each other again when I was six months. And during that year, we've had to juggle Uni, work and a newborn, now two, babies. We've had very little time to actually work on our relationship. Like I said, I know people are going to judge me but that's what happened.

OP posts:

CrabbityRabbit · 06/02/2019 21:47

She is bonkers. You need to talk to DP. Can you write down your concerns to have with you in case you get overwhelmed and forget what points you wanted to raise?

Gazelda · 06/02/2019 22:13

Actually, the more detail you give, the more worried I feel for you.
You're young. Living in strange town, away from family. Living in his home. Unmarried. No job. Reliant on him for housing and income. Two tiny babies. A new relationship. An unhealthy situation with MIL.
I think you should confide in your HV and see if she can help you widen your support network, and to help you work out how to get your DP on side to tackle his DM.
Can you go to your DM for a couple of weeks? Get your head together and build some strength. And some distance with MIL.

BornInAThunderstorm · 06/02/2019 22:18

Personally think you should very calmly tell her that the next time she removes one of your children from your hands she will no longer be allowed near either of them.

This woman is batshit

Original poster

cupofteasolveseverything · 06/02/2019 22:25

Gazelda I'm not completely alone. I've got a lot of friends from Uni. I did have a job but I quit when I found out I was pregnant again because lets face it, juggling work, uni and 2 babies wasn't going to work so I've got my own money, quite a bit as I save more than spend. My sister is also very close, so I've got family. Thank you for worrying though but everything was fine until MIL started being crazy. And the marriage thing isn't really something I would have put in that list I'm fine with not being married and I'm certainly not ready for it. And the city's not so strange. I've been here since I was 18. I will ask HV about mum and baby groups though as I am the only one in my friend circle who is a mother. Now I've thought about this and got encouraging responses, I do feel strong. I'm not weak, I may be young but I've been through things as stated above. It's just with pregnancy and giving birth and my micro-preemie, I didn't have it in me to do anything.

OP posts:

CoastalLife · 06/02/2019 22:43

Cupoftea I don't think the reference to you being unmarried was a judgement on you, it was coming from a place of concern. As an unmarried stay at home mother you are potentially very vulnerable financially.

CoastalLife · 06/02/2019 22:49

Unfortunately it's extremely unlikely that this is going to be solved amicably. Your MIL is either deranged or just nasty and abusive. Either way, probably not the sort of person who will respond to reason or a polite-but-firm conversation. It will probably kick off. But you can't carry on the way you are. She is stealing a precious part of new-motherhood from you and undermining your confidence. You really need to speak to your partner and get him to handle this issue. If he won't, you have some very big decisions to make. I really hope it is resolved soon because nobody should have to put up with this

pallisers · 06/02/2019 22:56

You don't need to talk to her at this point. I think you need to get very angry with her. Next time she puts a finger on one of your children that is inappropriate/not what you want you need to say to her "get your hand of my child right now!" in a very scary voice.

She is doing this stuff because you let her - and she is intimidating. When she went into the bathroom with your child you should have told her "get out right now or I call emergency services because you are clearly having a breakdown". you should never have let the crap of holding a baby you were breastfeeding go on (and I wonder what the nurses thought about it all) - but live and learn.

you need to get very very angry with this woman. Then you need to control that anger into a response that makes her and your partner realise whatever deranged shit is going on is over.

The easier option would be to tell your partner you think she is dangerous and you aren't seeing her again.

pallisers · 06/02/2019 22:59

She wasn't going to let me breast feed him

How could she have stopped you? Why do you think she has this power over you? Why did you need the nurses' help? Not saying this to make you feel bad but to make you think about why you felt her power - is she very overpowering and angry?

I think you need to get out there to mother and baby groups, premi support groups, young mothers' groups and build a network of support for yourself because this woman is a piece of work.

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