Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Thinking of possibly being a surrogate for a gay fritnd

74 replies

NooNooHead1981 · 03/02/2019 11:54

Sorry if this is posted in the wrong place, I am posting here for traffic.

I have 2 DC, a DD8 and an DS who is 8mo. They are both wonderful children and I feel really blessed to have them.

My lovely gay friend is going through the adoption process at the moment and is looking to complete hopefully by May. I suggested to him recently about me being a surrogate for him in the future, if everything worked out with his adopted child. We have been best friends for about 3 years, and he has a stable home, background, good job etc, and is really excited about becoming a dad.

My DH has said to me that he would be happy for me to do surrogacy as long as it didn’t affect my health too much. I’m 38 this year, so I think if I was going to do it then I would be looking at doing it in the next couple of years.

I am a really maternal person, and love being pregnant- I would also love to have another DC but our circumstances mean that financially and career wise / space in our home etc isn’t practical. I would be wholeheartedly going into surrogacy with the view to giving my friend the most amazing gift I could, and being adopted myself, it would be a dream come true to give someone a child to complete their family and see them happy.

I wouldn’t be going into it with my eyes closed. I am very aware that I would need to research, discuss, draw up an agreement, join an agency, get legal advice etc. I’m also aware that it could be hard, emotionally, physically and financially- but these are things I am willing to deal with for my friend. I’m also aware of the ramifications for my relationship with my friend that the surrogacy might bring, but I am sure we could work through these if need be.

Has anyone ever had a successful surrogacy for a friend? Where do you start?

OP posts:

Original poster

NooNooHead1981 · 03/02/2019 11:59

Sorry for the typos in the thread title!

OP posts:

DelphiniumBlue · 03/02/2019 12:08

Your DH is onboard so long as your health isn't affected. What happens if your health is affected?
Personally I don't like the idea of surrogacy, but it's your shout. I do believe that you would remain morally responsible for the baby, which could be at odds with the legal position.
Is there a reason why you would be bringing another child into the world rather than encouraging your friend to adopt?

whatswithtodaytoday · 03/02/2019 12:11

I would suggest that if you would like another child in your own family but it's practically not possible, you will really struggle to give up the surrogate child.

I also don't think three years is very long at all to know someone will enough to do this for them.

That said, I hate being pregnant and can't understand why anyone would put themselves through it except for their own baby, so that is colouring my view.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Stormwhale · 03/02/2019 12:13

I'm not a fan of surrogacy, as I feel it's unfair on the child to separate them from their mother at birth. It has long lasting effects emotionally on the child, which I have seen with my own eyes with a family member.

That aside, there is something in your post that makes me think it wouldn't be a good idea in your situation. You say you wish you could have another child. I fear that this would make the whole thing so much harder for you. Growing and birthing a child that you would happily keep for yourself is going to be incredibly painful.

Longtalljosie · 03/02/2019 12:13

Being a surrogate is one thing but - what would your role be? What if you disapprove of their parenting style? What if they break up? I think there’s a good reason not to be friends with the couple you’re helping tbh

Original poster

NooNooHead1981 · 03/02/2019 12:14

I think it is because in an ideal world, I would want him to adopt again if he so desired, but I am doing it for very personal altruistic reasons and I am willing to risk my health for it to go through a surrogacy. I have been through a lot of difficult times health-wise recently, and anything that possibly did happen would (to me) seem a lot easier to deal with. I am of course very aware that I have 2 DC of my own, and I have thought about the fact that I’m not going to risk my life for them to end up without a mother. But I am always pretty optimistic and would be hopeful everything would go smoothly - I had excellent care before during my first two pregnancies so there is no reason to think I wouldn’t next time.

I guess it is something I would need to be very serious about and look into a lot more thoroughly.

OP posts:

formerbabe · 03/02/2019 12:15

Your egg or a donor egg?

Epiphany52 · 03/02/2019 12:16

Thinking out loud:
3 years isn’t long to be friends with someone.
How might your older DC react to their Mum being pregnant but then not having a baby brother or sister.
No guarantee of health during/after pregnancy
Has your friend considered adoption?

SlowlyShrinking · 03/02/2019 12:17

I also thought that 3 years isn’t very long to know someone and make this massive sacrifice for them. You wanting another baby for yourself and being unable to have one is a problem too and you’ll find it hard to give the baby up.
I wouldn’t do this tbh, it’s such a massive sacrifice and potential risk to your health. It’s the sort of thing I’d only do for a sister really. You have to think of your existing children and how they might be affected if you develop health problems because of the pregnancy.
And your friend is adopting; he hasn’t even asked you to do this for him

twentypencemore · 03/02/2019 12:20

Apart from potential health problems for you what about potential health problems with the baby?
If, for instance, 20 week scan throws up an issue, would your friend expect you to have a late abortion or would they still want the baby? Or, you get to full term and everything's great with you and baby but then your friend develops a health problem.

Original poster

NooNooHead1981 · 03/02/2019 12:21

I agree with your replies - I know it isn’t as straightforward as I am making out, so if it did go wrong then things could get pretty messy quickly. But for those who say about me finding it hard to be separated from the child, and it would be something that I couldn’t come to terms with; what about the emotional side of that for those who give up their children for adoption? And surely adopted children are separated from the birth mother and are affected by that? I know I am quite biased, but I have always been so happy to have been adopted and given the chance to have a good life and opportunities. I haven’t forgotten the fact I was adopted but it hasn’t given me great anxiety about my circumstances, the person I am, my self esteem etc.( Of course, this is probably a completely different thing from a baby being given up for surrogacy.)

My friend and the couple in question have been together for 15 years so they are fairly solid in their relationship I would say.

OP posts:

Original poster

NooNooHead1981 · 03/02/2019 12:25

Yes, I know it could throw up loads of possible health problems for me and the baby - I would be well aware that this is something that could affect the pregnancy and my health after. I do know what you mean about the potential issues of a late termination but I don’t think my friend would be willing for me to have a late termination unless I guess it was life or death.

I would be thinking of a traditional surrogacy with my own egg.

OP posts:

honorariam · 03/02/2019 12:25

Didn't you say in your OP that your friend is adopting? Having been through the adoption process, I would argue that it's not very fair on their newly adopted child to then introduce a baby into the family, within the next two years, as you've suggested... I doubt their social worker would be overly happy about that either. What about the stability of the adopted child?

formerbabe · 03/02/2019 12:25

what about the emotional side of that for those who give up their children for adoption?

That's a response to circumstances rather than a conscious decision to have a baby with the purpose of giving it up. You'll find in the UK, there are very few newborns born to mothers who give them up for adoption willingly.

formerbabe · 03/02/2019 12:26

I would be thinking of a traditional surrogacy with my own egg

This sounds insane to me...particularly considering you want more children m

Original poster

NooNooHead1981 · 03/02/2019 12:27

My DS is 8 months old, so he wouldn’t remember anything about it. My DD is an extremely mature 8 year old, but how she may react could be interesting. Something to think about a lot more, definitely.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 03/02/2019 12:27

You've known this guy for three years? No way would I do that (anyway) but on the basis of a three year friendship? No.

BestBeforeYesterday · 03/02/2019 12:27

Doesn't seem like a good idea at all in your circumstances. I think you will struggle giving up the baby seeing as you say you would like another child (is this perhaps the real reason you want to be a surrogate mother?).
How do you imagine the near and far future after the baby is born? For example, have you thought about what it will be like for you if your friend parents in a way you do not agree with?

Original poster

NooNooHead1981 · 03/02/2019 12:29

My friend is thinking of adopting a year old baby and I was about aged 2 when my adopted brother was introduced as a baby to our family, so we were all ok, but it is of course very personal and circumstances / adoption rules are probably different these days to 38 years ago...

OP posts:

hidinginthenightgarden · 03/02/2019 12:30

As the parent of an adopted child I would say this may not be fair on them. Adoptive children don’t always cope with siblings and struggle with feeling of inadequacy. A birth child coming along could trigger all sorts, especially considering how soon you are thinking of doing this. Realistically if you took into account the feelings of this adopted child, you wouldn’t be giving them a sibling before they had been settled a minimum of 2 years.

CommunistLegoBloc · 03/02/2019 12:32

You haven’t known them long enough IMO and it’s not even a service they require in order to fulfil their wish of having a child. You are also intending to hand over your own genetic material.

I’ll be honest, I would assume from this that you in fact have unresolved issues stemming from your own adoption and that this is a reaction to that.

formerbabe · 03/02/2019 12:33

I can't see what possible benefit this would bring to you?

Kokeshi123 · 03/02/2019 12:33

You want more children and you are considering using your own egg?

OP, I think you are a kind hearted person, but you would be absolutely mad to do this.

Original poster

NooNooHead1981 · 03/02/2019 12:33

My friend works in care and I know this is not an indication of his parenting skills but I am fairly confident that he isn’t going to feed the child sweets, fizzy drinks, and put them to bed at midnight.

Perhaps it is something that I am doing because I would like another child, but the thought didn’t cross my mind until you suggested it just then.

OP posts:

elemenopeee · 03/02/2019 12:35

You’re letting your own experiences and issues cloud your thinking here. This situation is nothing like what happened to you.

Flip

1 2 3