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Original poster

Thinking of possibly being a surrogate for a gay fritnd

74 replies

NooNooHead1981 · 03/02/2019 11:54

Sorry if this is posted in the wrong place, I am posting here for traffic.

I have 2 DC, a DD8 and an DS who is 8mo. They are both wonderful children and I feel really blessed to have them.

My lovely gay friend is going through the adoption process at the moment and is looking to complete hopefully by May. I suggested to him recently about me being a surrogate for him in the future, if everything worked out with his adopted child. We have been best friends for about 3 years, and he has a stable home, background, good job etc, and is really excited about becoming a dad.

My DH has said to me that he would be happy for me to do surrogacy as long as it didn’t affect my health too much. I’m 38 this year, so I think if I was going to do it then I would be looking at doing it in the next couple of years.

I am a really maternal person, and love being pregnant- I would also love to have another DC but our circumstances mean that financially and career wise / space in our home etc isn’t practical. I would be wholeheartedly going into surrogacy with the view to giving my friend the most amazing gift I could, and being adopted myself, it would be a dream come true to give someone a child to complete their family and see them happy.

I wouldn’t be going into it with my eyes closed. I am very aware that I would need to research, discuss, draw up an agreement, join an agency, get legal advice etc. I’m also aware that it could be hard, emotionally, physically and financially- but these are things I am willing to deal with for my friend. I’m also aware of the ramifications for my relationship with my friend that the surrogacy might bring, but I am sure we could work through these if need be.

Has anyone ever had a successful surrogacy for a friend? Where do you start?

OP posts:

elemenopeee · 03/02/2019 12:35

“I am fairly confident that he isn’t going to feed the child sweets, fizzy drinks, and put them to bed at midnight.”

But what if he does?

Unutterable · 03/02/2019 12:36

Social services would take a very dim view of him planning a pregnancy within 2 years of adopting. Did he even entertain it when you mentioned it OP or is this some pipe dream that’s giving you warm fuzzy feelings?

In many surrogacy circles you wouldnt be considered ideal surrogacy material owing to your age, the fact you’ve not voluntarily completed your family and because you want to go traditional.

Original poster

NooNooHead1981 · 03/02/2019 12:37

I wouldn’t feel that comfortable using someone else’s egg to be honest.

I know that I may have unresolved issues about my adoption, but in all honesty, I have had 38 years to come to terms with being adopted so it is something I don’t feel is necessary to explore in depth as I really don’t think that there is much to deal with. I have a good relationship with my adoptive parents and my birth mum has been in touch so I have met her, although we don’t have a close relationship as such.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Original poster

NooNooHead1981 · 03/02/2019 12:39

He did entertain it when I spoke to him about it, as he had initially thought about surrogacy before he went into the adoption route.

OP posts:

Unutterable · 03/02/2019 12:42

Tell him to talk it through with his social worker. They will be able to give him some impartial, child-centred advice.

formerbabe · 03/02/2019 12:42

Maybe I'm wrong but I think you just want to be pregnant again.

Original poster

NooNooHead1981 · 03/02/2019 12:43

Thank you Unutterable I will tell him to do that, and see what they say.

OP posts:

twentypencemore · 03/02/2019 12:43

and circumstances / adoption rules are probably different these days to 38 years ago...

Massive understatement to be honest. I know at least three families were children were unofficially adopted by a neighbour or work colleague and no one batted an eyelid. Many women were still unwillingly having their children adopted in the 60s and 70s because of society at the time. This obviously meant more babies in the system and less rules regarding adoptions.

Fairenuff · 03/02/2019 12:43

So would you keep seeing this friend. Watch him parent your child but have no say in it?

What about the fact that it would be a brother or sister to your own children? I cannot imagine giving up my newborn and then having to watch it grow up in front of me and not be allowed to be it's mother.

This has heartbreak written all over it.

Original poster

NooNooHead1981 · 03/02/2019 12:44

formerbabe I do enjoy being pregnant but that isn’t the only reason I would be doing it.

OP posts:

Drogosnextwife · 03/02/2019 12:46

No, this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You want to use your own egg so the child is biologically yours. I think you are underestimating how you would feel towards that child. Your children will have a half sibling and I don't think the child involved will feel the same about an adoption in these circumstances. It is not the same as adoption where the child has been given to a family because their bio parents couldn't take care of them.
Also 3 years is not a long time to know someone.
I am also shocked that you are willing to risk your health when you have your own family to consider, for someone you have only known for 3 years.

CommunistLegoBloc · 03/02/2019 12:49

You acknowledge you may have unresolved issues but say you don’t need to address them, and yet you are planning a surrogate pregnancy as a result of them. That screams ‘need to resolve issues’ to me. You could ruin and complicate a lot of lives if you don’t.

formerbabe · 03/02/2019 12:49

formerbabe I do enjoy being pregnant but that isn’t the only reason I would be doing it

I really hope I don't offend or upset you but do you think you wanting to do this is an attempt to validate what your birth mother did? I might be totally on the wrong track but maybe something to think about?

Jackshouse · 03/02/2019 12:50

The parents someone aims to be is not the parent they turn out to be. If he is adopting is going to have to wait a few years before he has another. Adopting is not like having a birth child. You will be into your 40s and health complications will be more likely.

Original poster

NooNooHead1981 · 03/02/2019 12:52

I’m getting the impression you probably all think I am a naive person who has a lot of issues to resolve... 😢

OP posts:

Deadringer · 03/02/2019 12:53

I am not a fan of surrogacy at all and don't know a lot about the ins and outs of it so forgive me if I am way off. Would you want to see the child, would your DC be involved in the child's life? What if you had a massive falling out with him, he could possibly prevent you seeing the child, your child. You only know him a few years, what if you discovered in the future that you really don't like him much, or his dp, would you bitterly regret that he is raising your child? You were raised apart from your biological mum, how do you feel about that, and the fact that you are proposing the same for a future baby, you are planning a baby that won't live with it's birth mum, or any mum for that matter. You have probably considered all of these things already, either way I wish you well whatever you decide.

formerbabe · 03/02/2019 12:54

I’m getting the impression you probably all think I am a naive person who has a lot of issues to resolve

I think people are just trying to work out why you'd want to do this and also help you to see that it could be potentially very heart breaking

Jackshouse · 03/02/2019 12:56

I think most people are naive when it comes to the realities of adoption.

PurpleDaisies · 03/02/2019 12:57

I am willing to risk my health for it to go through a surrogacy. I have been through a lot of difficult times health-wise recently, and anything that possibly did happen would (to me) seem a lot easier to deal with.

If you’ve been through difficult times with your health, I can’t understand why you’d put your body through it. It’s easy to say, but if if you did actually have complications that affected your long term health and family life I don’t think you’d brush it off so easily as you think you might.

Original poster

NooNooHead1981 · 03/02/2019 13:03

Thank you for all your helpful and honest replies. I’m probably projecting a lot onto my ideas of surrogacy and maybe it is an ideal pipedream that could be very complicated. Perhaps I should revisit the idea in a few years time.

OP posts:

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 03/02/2019 13:11

That sounds like a good plan, @NooNooHead1981.

For what it's worth, I'm not considered a good candidate for being a surrogate because I was in foster care and the adoptive system. It's considered to make it much higher risk, sadly, so you might find that this is a no go anyway - your friend would be taking a big risk to go for surrogacy within a few years of adopting and then using a risky surrogate, if you are told the same thing I was.

It's a lovely idea but everyone here has pointed out all the potential issues. If you would like to do something as a form of giving back, somehow, would you consider doing fostering (emergency or longer term) when your youngest is older? That could be a different option. My local council is really short of emergency foster caters for under 6s.

Batteriesallgone · 03/02/2019 13:13

I don’t agree with surrogacy because I don’t believe a child should be intentionally created to be removed from its mother and the primary bond it has formed during gestation.

Adoption from birth is rare, I think there’s good reason for that.

Obviously if a newborn absolutely must be seperated from its mother, then a happy loving family should be found and that is - in the circumstances - a wonderful outcome for the baby. That is not what is being considered here though.

I also can’t imagine how you begin to explain surrogacy to existing children. I’d be worried about giving my DD the idea that pregnancy/birth is no big deal. Realistically you can’t tell your 8 year old ‘mummy is risking her life for a friend’ but then how do you balance that with her forming overly optimistic impressions about reproductive choices and risks?

Batteriesallgone · 03/02/2019 13:14

Sorry OP I didn’t see your update before I posted. Hope you’re ok

DaisyDreaming · 03/02/2019 13:27

Reading your posts is sounds more like you want another baby and the only way is to do it for your friend. Why did your friend opt for adoption rather than surrogacy for their first child?

I’ve only known 2 people do this, one used to do it for the money (they weren’t English). They saw it simply as a way to make money for their family, the other found a couple to be the surrogate but they established before it started that the couple were going to be part of the child’s up bringing, I’m not sure if they would of done this in other circumstances but the mum to be had a terminal illness and did die when the baby was still very young.

Can I ask, if your so happy with adoption, your friend is happy to adopt, you know there are kids in the system waiting to be adopted, why do you feel creating a child for your friend is the best way forward? I understand why people chose surrogacy over adopting but can’t see your side other than you want a baby and this is the only way you can see it happening?

Pigpogtastic · 03/02/2019 13:32

You need to consider your age as well. You are 38 and therefore at higher risk for lots of things. If you wait a couple of years you'll be in your 40s. If you are using your own egg that's something you have to consider.

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