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Original poster

Thinking of possibly being a surrogate for a gay fritnd

74 replies

NooNooHead1981 · 03/02/2019 11:54

Sorry if this is posted in the wrong place, I am posting here for traffic.

I have 2 DC, a DD8 and an DS who is 8mo. They are both wonderful children and I feel really blessed to have them.

My lovely gay friend is going through the adoption process at the moment and is looking to complete hopefully by May. I suggested to him recently about me being a surrogate for him in the future, if everything worked out with his adopted child. We have been best friends for about 3 years, and he has a stable home, background, good job etc, and is really excited about becoming a dad.

My DH has said to me that he would be happy for me to do surrogacy as long as it didn’t affect my health too much. I’m 38 this year, so I think if I was going to do it then I would be looking at doing it in the next couple of years.

I am a really maternal person, and love being pregnant- I would also love to have another DC but our circumstances mean that financially and career wise / space in our home etc isn’t practical. I would be wholeheartedly going into surrogacy with the view to giving my friend the most amazing gift I could, and being adopted myself, it would be a dream come true to give someone a child to complete their family and see them happy.

I wouldn’t be going into it with my eyes closed. I am very aware that I would need to research, discuss, draw up an agreement, join an agency, get legal advice etc. I’m also aware that it could be hard, emotionally, physically and financially- but these are things I am willing to deal with for my friend. I’m also aware of the ramifications for my relationship with my friend that the surrogacy might bring, but I am sure we could work through these if need be.

Has anyone ever had a successful surrogacy for a friend? Where do you start?

OP posts:

DaisyDreaming · 03/02/2019 13:34

Just read some more of your replies, you said you’ve had lots of health problems lately, are you even well enough to under go IVF? IVF is so hard and i couldn’t imagine going through it for someone else, or were you think the turkey baster way? Is your friend adopting as a single male or are they a couple? I don’t know about single men adopting but isn’t it a rule that you can’t adopt if you still plan on having IVF

Jenny17 · 03/02/2019 13:35

What are you going to say to this child once they know the truth and ask why you didn't keep them but kept your other children? What will you children think when they realise their biological brother or sister isn't living with them by design? This is all weird with heartbreak on the child's end, your end and you existing children's end.

What happens if they die, will you take the child in? Will SS be called in to discuss why you are giving your child away?

ThunderStorms · 03/02/2019 13:37

I have no issues with surrogacy, but it can’t be rushed into and I think you are. It may be fine...

BUT...

At 38, you want to use your own eggs. They are getting old now - biologically- what happens if your baby has Down’s syndrome, (much higher risk now), would they still take the baby - would you be left with the baby?

I would prefer donor eggs, but that’s not my decision (and what if they change your mind - would you need to keep/ put It up for adoption?)

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

ThunderStorms · 03/02/2019 13:39

*they change their mind

anatol · 03/02/2019 13:50

I think it's an incredibly kind gesture that you have considered this but I think there are far too many issues with it.
If you are using your own eggs, age aside, then your children will have a half sibling in a situation that could be very difficult for them to understand, particularly whilst they are young. You won't even be able to explain to your 8 year old that you are pregnant with someone else's child because you won't be, it will be your own that you will be giving away. That could be very confusing for them to get their heads around.
If your friend does adopt a child just now, then you have a child for them as a surrogate (I'm assuming that you will be using your friends sperm?) then that can have massive implications for the feelings of stability and security the first child.
And that's just the start of it. I also agree with other posters that 3 years isn't really very long to truly know a person.

FlamingoCactus · 03/02/2019 13:52

I know a gay couple who had a friend very generously over to be a surrogate for them. The first attempt failed, the second resulted in a miscarriage at approx 12 weeks. The emotional impact for all involved was huge and together they made the decision that they wouldn't try any further. The gay couple felt enormous guilt for the trauma their friend endured and the physical health implications for her.
Ultimately they went on to adopt a baby.

I appreciate that you feel this is a wonderful thing to do for your friend, but please think seriously about the impact on you, your partner and your children.

Beansonapost · 03/02/2019 13:54

What a big decision to make for someone you've known for three years... WOW!

I wouldn't do it.

I'd probably do it for my sisters or brother (not with my own egg)... but never a random friend of just 3 years.

Racecardriver · 03/02/2019 13:54

Honestly, it duednt would like you are in the right place emotionally. I offered to be a surrogates to a friend after I knew I was done having children and there was no chance of me wanting to keep the baby/thinking of it as mine.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 03/02/2019 13:57

It would be a bad idea for many reasons.

Could you really hand over your own baby and watch it be raised by others?

What about the adopted child? That child will be finding their feet in a new home with strangers then a new demanding baby comes along.

NopeNi · 03/02/2019 13:58

Christ no. Giving your child to someone you barely know, to be nice and friendly? A child who will have bonded with you in the womb, who you will have felt kick and move, and who you will feel attached to as well? Please read up on attachment disorders, and try to properly think this through.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/02/2019 13:59

I wouldn't use your own eggs with an older child.

How will your children feel if they do not get the relationship they want with this child?

LuggsaysNotaWomen · 03/02/2019 13:59

Along with what others have said, I think it would sound the death knell on your friendship.

Your friend is going to find it very difficult to keep the biological mother of “their” child in the picture, especially if that friend felt their family was incomplete and there is a chance that she might pine for the child... and that’s if the whole thing doesn’t go horribly wrong in the first place. 3 yrs is no time to know a person.

I’m not a fan of surrogacy but I think it can work in certain circumstances. I don’t think these are those circumstances.

If he can adopt, let it be and leave him to adopt.

PrincessScarlett · 03/02/2019 14:00

I can see you are coming from a good place OP and this is a lovely thing to do for someone.

However, I don't understand why you would do it when your friends are so close to completing the adoption process. Did they ask you or is this something that you have come up with and put the idea to them? Why would they want you to be a surrogate when they are getting a child in May?

A sticking point for me is that your own children are very young. I don't think it is fair on them at all. If you have a difficult pregnancy your 8 month old in particular will lose out. You say your 8 year old is mature but I think this is a difficult situation for your DH to deal with let alone a child. What happens if your health is affected? It's one thing to go through all this when you are adding to your family but when there is going to be no benefit to you and your own family (just the altruistic feeling you may have) I think you need to seriously think about what you are doing.

What if your friends struggle with being parents and don't want another child after all? What if you cannot give the child up or you do but your mental health is impacted?

I think there are so many things that can go wrong with any surrogacy that everyone involved needs to be mentally strong and fully aware of what they are doing.

JazzyBBG · 03/02/2019 14:03

I'm not sure you bringing this up now is helpful when your friend is so far down the adoption route? If he mentions he is considering this as well it could ruin his adoption chances. Then say you can't get pregnant where does he end up then? What if he does adopt and then decides he can only cope with one child?

Sorry OP I think this is more about you than him.

colouringinpro · 03/02/2019 14:06

I don't believe this is a good idea for many of the reasons outlined above.

But I also think this coukd be very harmful for your dd. I don't believe a child of 8 should have to deal with their mum giving away, what will probably seem to them, their little brother or sister.

I think for all your family, the risks of pregnancy and childbirth should be more thoroughly considered. Having a baby remains one of the riskiest things a woman can do for her health. Personally I don't think it's right to risk your future health and the potential impact on your family, for a friend of three years.

I totally sympathise with your friends. It took me years to conceive and it was so, so, hard. But I don't think this is the answer.

Original poster

NooNooHead1981 · 03/02/2019 14:15

Wow, so many sensible and level headed comments. I’m glad I posted on here as I knew it would be wise to get some impartial advice from others who have possibly been there.

I am going to go away and think seriously about all of these points raised. Maybe it isn’t the right thing to do, and perhaps it is more about me than my friend. I hadn’t considered what impact it could have on his current adoption process but now it has been mentioned, I will think twice about it and then speak to my friend again and see what he says.

Thank you all again for your help and advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

NooNooHead1981 · 03/02/2019 14:17

Also, I think it is something to seriously consider about what could happen if they died, and the child was left orphaned. I’m guessing as I would be the biological mother that I would have to ‘adopt’ my own child back?

OP posts:

Unnaturalfauna · 03/02/2019 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/02/2019 14:25

You would not likely be the next of kin. They would want to keep the child with family. Grandparents, Uncles, Aunts etc.

You would legally be nothing to this child.

PrincessScarlett · 03/02/2019 14:35

Sorry OP but your latest comment about possibly adopting your own baby back implies you are doing this for your own needs and not the needs of your friend, your DH or your children. Your friend doesn't need your help to have a child, he is adopting. It is however coming across that you need/want to have another child.

Aqua25 · 03/02/2019 15:21

Noonoohead1981, I thought about this for years but on the flip side, I was the intended parent.

There is alot of people who favour adoption over surrogacy but in reality adoption is a long process, rightly so, the hoops SS make you jump through is ridiculous and in the end a child may not even be placed in your care! The turning point for me was being told the natural parents have a right to know where we live, I thought that was not right as I talk to anyone who'll listen, how would I know im talking too my adoptive child's real mother?

My daughter is surrogate born, I too was concerned about taking her away from the most wonderful person who gave her life and really worried about how she would take to me, in hindsight, I had nothing to worry about. My amazing surrogate mother created a family for me, something I wasn't able to do myself, im forever grateful to her, such a selfless person and someone whom I think about every single day! Any woman who is able to do this for someone else is absolutely incredible, I could never show her enough thanks and gratitude for what she has done for my husband and I.

Batteriesallgone · 03/02/2019 16:21

In terms of what happens if they died, do they not already have plans in place for their first child they are soon to adopt?

Who would get guardianship of that child? Grandparents? Any sibling would go with them, surely. It would be heartbreaking to break up adoptive siblings.

Original poster

NooNooHead1981 · 03/02/2019 16:51

That is a good point, I think the child would probably be most likely to go to one of their parents if they died.

I’m hopefully seeing my friend on Tuesday so I will have another chat with him then and see how his adoption is going and tell him my thoughts on surrogacy etc when I have thought a bit more this weekend.

OP posts:

PeachMelba78 · 03/02/2019 17:07

OP I am a surrogate for a gay couple who we were matched with via an agency, we didn’t know them beforehand.
We were matched on our personalities and parenting style (their potential style) and I was a host surrogate only as I didn’t want a biological connection, plus I am 40.
The child is 3 weeks old and I did have some issues during pregnancy, mostly due to my age and my wife found this very difficult.
I also had to have an emergency c-section which I didn’t have with my own child, again this was very difficult.
At your age I would not recommend using your eggs, and I could not be a surrogate for an existing friend personally. Our families live far apart and I find the physical separation a good thing for establishing their new family.
I would recommend speaking to an agency for advice, I used Brilliant Beginnings who were wonderful throughout (I started with a different agency but I didn’t like them so I found BB).
I would also recommend finishing your own family and understanding why you want to be a surrogate. I wanted to do it as I am in a same-sex relationship and we wouldn’t have our children without our gay friend helping us, so I wanted to ‘pay it forward’. I also do not get attached to babies in the womb, and we all had counselling beforehand.

HTH!

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