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Original poster

School meeting

71 replies

Ilikedampcake · 03/02/2019 00:10

Firstly I’ll apologise because this might be long and it probably should be in AIBU but I’m not feeling brave enough for that tonight.

My DD 16 has been having loads of issues with her bff, mostly around the fact that my DD has a bf now and sees him once a week, usually at the weekend so the bff is quite jealous of this although she has a job now so isn’t available during the time my DD sees the bf iyswim?

My DD has always made time for her bff and obviously saw her every day in school, after school and at the weekend. Lately there have been loads of rows regarding the bf which ended up in a physical fight yesterday in school.

My DDs bf had ended the friendship once again and my DD accepted this, she’s got to the point where she was totally sick of the situation and saw how toxic it had become.

However her bff tried to continue the row in school and ended up throwing a chair at my DD during a lesson whilst the teacher was out of the room. My DD retaliated and threw it back and after more verbal to and fro her bff jumped on her and they both ended up on the floor scrapping.

I have a meeting with the school on Tuesday as she has been excluded for Monday, so I’m asking really how do I best deal with this?

I know my DD was totally out of order to throw the chair back and this is what the school are basing the exclusion on, but honestly she has been in the midst of, if the bff was a male you would class an abusive relationship, I had told her to end it on many occasions.

Turns out her bff is getting the same punishment which I think is really unfair. I’d appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:
hmmwhatatodo · 03/02/2019 00:48

She deserved the exclusion as did the other girl. Id come down heavy on her and point out how life will be if she continues in this manner. Feel sorry for the staff and students having to watch the drama unfold. Totally wasting everyone’s time.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 03/02/2019 00:51

Your DD was wrong to throw the chair back and wrong to engage in a fight.

She needs to reflect on it , show remorse and be willing to accept the consequences.

cauliflowersqueeze · 03/02/2019 00:58

The meeting you are having is a reintegration meeting. Schools have to have them after fixed term exclusions. They will want to know she is contrite and that there will not be a repetition. They may put her on a report or have some other support mechanism in place if they think it’s not a one-off.

The other student’s punishment is not your concern so don’t mention this. From what you have said however they both threw a chair (this could have seriously injured someone - possibly even another innocent bystander) and both physically fought so it sounds like they are punishing the physical actions they both took. In many schools the exclusion would be longer than 1 day that’s for sure.

FlyingMonkeys · 03/02/2019 01:01

If she'd done it in a work environment she'd have been sacked. Actions and consequences in life - If Dd hadn't retaliated to violence with violence then she wouldn't be getting the expulsion. Although it sounds like the school will need to set up a mediation if they're not both permantly expelled.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 03/02/2019 01:04

You should be standing by the schools decision, she and the other party both did bad things. If you try to blame another party then this isn’t teaching her

Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 03/02/2019 01:04

In what manner are you speaking of? I’ve agreed she was wrong to throw the chair back, but she hadn’t done anything to incite this behaviour, she had been civil to her bff as she really didn’t want to engage in further arguments. However I support the fact she fought back, isn’t that what we do with bullies?

Bollocks she will be accepting any consequences from this.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 03/02/2019 01:06

Stop with the bff - how ridiculous! This causes so much strife and exclusion.

She had a choice she chose to retaliate and not walk away she’s not a baby and no amount of ‘if it was a boy’ etc should make any difference

She was wrong she should admit she was wrong -

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 03/02/2019 01:06

You sound a great role model.

No wonder your DD is retaliatory.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 03/02/2019 01:07

Exactly @GreenTulips .

The DD made a choice to react with aggression rather than walk away.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 03/02/2019 01:09

I would have been proud if she hadn’t retaliated with violence, you obviously feel the opposite, I have nothing more to say other than I feel sorry your child didn’t have a better role model 😞

VWpurse · 03/02/2019 01:10

Your DD was a victim until she threw the chair back.

You don’t “fight back” with physical violence.

Pumpkintopf · 03/02/2019 01:11

Your dd certainly shouldn't have retaliated with violence.

Your attitude sounds appalling tbh.

And it isn't just up to you what consequences there will be. The school will have views on this too.

hmmwhatatodo · 03/02/2019 01:18

Tell your daughter to stop spending so much time in and out of school with friends/bfs/bffs.....

The fact that she threw a chair back, got involved in an argument and had a ‘scrap’ in front of a class full of students makes me think she probably enjoyed making a scene as much as the ‘bff’.

HarrietSchulenberg · 03/02/2019 01:19

Both girls threw a chair. Both girls had a physical fight. Both girls got the same consequence. It's quite fair, really, when you stop to think about it. "She started it" is neither an excuse nor a reason for your dd's action and a one day FTE is actually quite lenient.

Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 03/02/2019 01:20

Ehh? What is wrong with the bff, it’s a description obviously used in this case to differentiate between the best friend and the boyfriend, not used by my DD at all, just by me,in this situation.

And like I’ve said I know she was wrong to throw the chair back, but she really was at the end of her rope, she’s had masses of verbal abuse as well as nasty messages over the last few months.

She hasn’t once slagged this friend off, gossiped about her, even when asked after the bff had posted the usual passive aggressive messages on social media or even after the fight last week.

Yes she was wrong but bloody hell, my supporting my daughter does not make me a shit mum and some of you need to RTFT!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 03/02/2019 01:24

Where have I said I’m proud she threw the chair back? Jesus are you all pissed tonight?

Of course she shouldn’t have done it, bloody hell you seem to be missing the point that she had a chair flung at her, totally unprovoked.

OP posts:
Justagirlwholovesaboy · 03/02/2019 01:31

Of course, you are always right and everyone else is always in the wrong, despite how many time people tell you otherwise and see it different. Is this really the message you want to pass on to your daughter? She was in the wrong, she threw a chair back, being provoked doesn’t make that acceptable in any situation, at any age in life. You need to be disciplining her, and getting her to apologise and realise she has done wrong

MrsAmaretto · 03/02/2019 01:31

You really needed to step in, as a parent, before it got to this level.

You need to accept that your daughters punishment is fair and reasonable due to her actions and then move on to how you will be supporting and protecting your daughter from the bullying. Will this be the first time you’ve made the school aware about what’s going on?

You really need to now work with the school. You also need to work with your daughter as this level of emotional drama and how not to handle relationships is not what you want repeated throughout her life.

WinkysTeatowel · 03/02/2019 01:34

Surely from the School's perspective they both threw chairs and had a scrap. The circumstances leading up to that (and bear in mind you only have half a story) are fairly irrelevant. They can hardly condone the fighting/throwing for one girl because they have fallen out due to the other girl's jealousy.

Whilst you might consider that there are mitigating factors I think an exclusion for fighting is justified.

Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 03/02/2019 01:47

So I’m wrong? In what way? I’ve told my DD what she did was wrong, what else would I do, of course she was wrong to throw the chair back, we get it.

And no I hadn’t spoken to the school because up to Weds last week apart from the messages nothing physical had happened, and everything was civil in school as far as I knew, I was fully prepared to get the school involved if it had escalated into school time. Trust me when I say that what happened has really shocked me.

They have been bff since yr 7, it’s only gone pear shaped since the bf arrived on the scene. It’s a really upsetting time for us, my DD is devastated that it’s come to this, she’s the most mild mannered girl you could wish to meet and has spent the weekend in bits worrying about Tuesday.

OP posts:
Ilikedampcake · 03/02/2019 01:52

This reply has been deleted

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Justagirlwholovesaboy · 03/02/2019 02:00

I see no point in responding her further as you disagree with anything said

FlyingMonkeys · 03/02/2019 02:09

So you're saying neither you or your daughter had made the school aware of anything that's been going on the past few months. And yet you feel it's really unfair that the school treated both girls equally regarding exhibiting exactly the same behaviour as far as they are aware? I'm not seeing what other outcome there could possibly have been. If they'd known then maybe things could have been put in place so it wouldn't have ended up like this.

WinkysTeatowel · 03/02/2019 02:17

I'd suggest you attend the meeting, explain that you have had discussions with your DD about what she should have done in that situation as you both know violence is never acceptable.You may want to give the background for context but you certainly cannot frame it as a acceptable reason.

Your DD needs to understand she was wrong and accept the consequences as do you. I think you need to support the school's stance on this.

ComeMonday · 03/02/2019 02:17

You say you know it was wrong for your DD to retaliate but then you say she doesn’t deserve any consequences???

This is a chance to teach your DD the right time and manner to stand up for herself. Because once it gets to the point of physical figuring in this context it doesn’t matter who started it. Plus I’d love to hear the other side of this one.