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Original poster

School meeting

71 replies

Ilikedampcake · 03/02/2019 00:10

Firstly I’ll apologise because this might be long and it probably should be in AIBU but I’m not feeling brave enough for that tonight.

My DD 16 has been having loads of issues with her bff, mostly around the fact that my DD has a bf now and sees him once a week, usually at the weekend so the bff is quite jealous of this although she has a job now so isn’t available during the time my DD sees the bf iyswim?

My DD has always made time for her bff and obviously saw her every day in school, after school and at the weekend. Lately there have been loads of rows regarding the bf which ended up in a physical fight yesterday in school.

My DDs bf had ended the friendship once again and my DD accepted this, she’s got to the point where she was totally sick of the situation and saw how toxic it had become.

However her bff tried to continue the row in school and ended up throwing a chair at my DD during a lesson whilst the teacher was out of the room. My DD retaliated and threw it back and after more verbal to and fro her bff jumped on her and they both ended up on the floor scrapping.

I have a meeting with the school on Tuesday as she has been excluded for Monday, so I’m asking really how do I best deal with this?

I know my DD was totally out of order to throw the chair back and this is what the school are basing the exclusion on, but honestly she has been in the midst of, if the bff was a male you would class an abusive relationship, I had told her to end it on many occasions.

Turns out her bff is getting the same punishment which I think is really unfair. I’d appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 03/02/2019 03:54

Keep in mind that the school punishment is only for the fighting and chair throwing. They can’t take into account what they have not witnessed.

It sounds like you want the school to know what was going on before this kicked off so I would suggest you go to the meeting and listen to what they say and then tell them, ‘just to give you a bit of background to the situation, DD and BFF have........’. I’d also suggest you ask them what they advise DD should do if this happens again. That will give them a heads up that it might happen again and paint you DD in a good light if she just does what she is told if it does happen again.

Original poster

Ilikedampcake · 03/02/2019 03:54

I’ll be going with her thanks, I don’t have a temper, I just don’t suffer idiots, who state the obvious when I’ve already said the same.

Still waiting for those examples by way.....

OP posts:

LadyandGent · 03/02/2019 03:54

I'm sure the OP is quite capable of being compliant.

SusieQ5604 · 03/02/2019 04:00

If you agree she was wrong to throw the chair, ergo, you must agree that she accept the consequences/punishment for doing this NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED BEFOREHAND.

Original poster

Ilikedampcake · 03/02/2019 04:01

well the bizarre thing is that the school was happy with the exclusion, it’s me that’s pushed for the meeting.

I’m very keen for them to now know the background to what’s gone on, and to ensure that my DD and her friend are kept apart as much as possible. I agree it should never have got this stage, but we could never have known what would happen.

OP posts:

coolwalking · 03/02/2019 06:38

I remember these sorts of fights at school (always the girls for some reason). It is a terribly difficult age. Most of them are still usually in some mess even as adults.

I think your DD needs to just accept what the school say. Work with them in the meeting to move forward it a positive way.

Your DD needs to focus on her future not silly teen drama. This will all be a blur in a few years and she'll look back and think how irrelevant it was. She can rise above all the abuse with your help and make something of herself. Nasty girls usually get their comeuppance- just focus on your daughter and her future. Good luck

HoppingPavlova · 03/02/2019 06:40

But HoppingPavlova that’s exactly what she has been doing, it was the friend that started a row in a lesson.

It’s actually pretty hard to row with someone who doesn’t row back. Truly. A one sided row fizzles out pretty quickly.

It’s hard to imagine your DD has not engaged at all for months and if I’m right you mention the other girl showing other people messages like this is something meaningful. So what, who cares.

RolyRocks · 03/02/2019 06:58

Reading between the lines, is the boyfriend someone the best friend ‘liked’ first and your DD knew it or something? And the girl is hurting?”All very common at that age. However, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that your DD does not engage with this girl, including sending messages back and forth. Maybe what might help is for you to sit down with your DD calmly and remind her that there are two sides to every story and if she shows empathy towards this girl (ie understands why she might be angry, even if it is unfair and misplaced) your DD will find it easier to ignore her if she starts again. And your DD absolutely must ignore her and tell someone if it happens again. Which is the right thing to do and what the adults in her life should be guiding her towards.

hmmwhatatodo · 03/02/2019 09:02

Well, you’ve told two of us to go F off now and have argued against virtually all the posters here. Step up as a parent. Your daughter cant handle the drama created from having bffs and bfs. Help her to concentrate on her school work instead. And don’t tell the school to go F themselves.

LovingLola · 03/02/2019 09:10

What age are the girls?

SavoyCabbage · 03/02/2019 09:20

It says in the OP.

I agree with Returning about how you should handle the meeting,

I think a one day exclusion is fair enough for throwing a chair in a classroom.

youarenotkiddingme · 03/02/2019 09:34

What you need to understand is the circumstances of what is self defence and what is fighting.

If her friend was continuously punching her, Hitting her with a chair or strangling her (for example) - fighting back would be to prevent her being injured.

What she did was retaliate and replicate the behaviour of her friend. The chair had landed on the floor. The friend had thrown the chair as an action. The action ended. Your ds then picked up the chair and threw it which was a separate and deliberate action - identical to friends.

Therefore they both have replica punishments. Your dd now needs to spend the time thinking about what she'll do next time something happens like this.
(Hint ..... leave the room and report it as common assault )

Starlight456 · 03/02/2019 09:44

I am firstly wondering what you want from this thread?

If this reached the point where she threw a chair back in retaliation and thisbis very out of character to her then a lot has gone in due to affects to your dd.

GreenTulips · 03/02/2019 09:46

Both need to stop with the messages and social media stuff.Thats the issue not keeping them apart.

Bet there’s loads on Snapchat you haven’t seen.

Bet someone videoed the fight and it will be all round the school - worth asking DD to see it before you go

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 03/02/2019 09:55

You ask how you should handle the meeting on Tuesday.

You should handle it by listening to what the school has to say, by assuring them that there will not be a repetition of that behaviour, by insisting that your daughter and her friend don’t interact on social media, by apologising for the chair throwing incident that was dangerous for the class and by remaining calm and apologetic.

She should apologise too. If the girls want to continue to be friends, although it sounds like a toxic relationship, you should get them together to set out some rules for any future relationship. Otherwise they should stay away from one another.

youarenotkiddingme · 03/02/2019 10:16

Your ds needs to block friend on ALL social media platforms as well.

MaisyPops · 03/02/2019 10:25

A return to school meeting following an exclusion is common.

There's no point going into who said what on social media and who was going out with who. None of that matters. It's teenage squabbling over boyfriends abd girlfriends and happens regularly without things turning violent.
If there were concerns over bullying within this friendship then they should have been raised with school long before this point.

I would imagine (in most cases anyway) there has been a lot of tit for tat on social media anyway and lots of gossiping on both sides. It's difficult to create a scene like this if it's one person arguing with someone who doesn't engage and has blocked them on all apps etc.

In the meeting, you need to drop the 'bollocks will my child have consequences' approach. It's unhelpful and inflamatory. Listen to what the school have to say, if it really is out of character then explain that and assure the school that you're having your DD block all contact and there will be no more drama.

greathat · 03/02/2019 10:29

If your kid had been sat in the room and hit by a thrown chair, you'd want there to be consequences! This is not an appropriate reaction, you need to support the school! This is the sort of shot that's driving teachers out of teaching!

ComeMonday · 03/02/2019 10:34

OP: Advice please?

EVERYONE --except one brand
new username who repetitively and vociferously agrees with the OP -- : Handle
it differently.

OP: Fuck off.

Sigh.

ComeMonday · 03/02/2019 10:35

Strike through fail

Milicentbystander72 · 03/02/2019 11:00

They both threw a chair.
They both get a day exclusion.
That's fair.

You need to except this before you go into your meeting.
You say the meeting is to fill them in as to the background to all this and it's escalation. That's perfectly acceptable to have s meeting about it to discuss.
Please separate the two things. The punishment is a done deal. Fighting it will just make you look petty and undermine everything you say at the meeting about the other stuff.

Look, no-ones likes our kids bring hurt or getting in trouble. My dd has had one or two punishments I've deemed slightly unfair but we've just sucked them up.

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