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Original poster

School meeting

71 replies

Ilikedampcake · 03/02/2019 00:10

Firstly I’ll apologise because this might be long and it probably should be in AIBU but I’m not feeling brave enough for that tonight.

My DD 16 has been having loads of issues with her bff, mostly around the fact that my DD has a bf now and sees him once a week, usually at the weekend so the bff is quite jealous of this although she has a job now so isn’t available during the time my DD sees the bf iyswim?

My DD has always made time for her bff and obviously saw her every day in school, after school and at the weekend. Lately there have been loads of rows regarding the bf which ended up in a physical fight yesterday in school.

My DDs bf had ended the friendship once again and my DD accepted this, she’s got to the point where she was totally sick of the situation and saw how toxic it had become.

However her bff tried to continue the row in school and ended up throwing a chair at my DD during a lesson whilst the teacher was out of the room. My DD retaliated and threw it back and after more verbal to and fro her bff jumped on her and they both ended up on the floor scrapping.

I have a meeting with the school on Tuesday as she has been excluded for Monday, so I’m asking really how do I best deal with this?

I know my DD was totally out of order to throw the chair back and this is what the school are basing the exclusion on, but honestly she has been in the midst of, if the bff was a male you would class an abusive relationship, I had told her to end it on many occasions.

Turns out her bff is getting the same punishment which I think is really unfair. I’d appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 03/02/2019 02:26

I’m not seeing how I’m disagreeing? I’ve admitted at least 4 times now that my DD shouldn’t have thrown the chair, I’ve just tried to defend claims that I’m a shit parent, because I’m really not.

And no I hadn’t made the school aware because, the rows were contained between them and didn’t impact school. If they had i.e. name calling, alienation from the friend group etc.then I would have, but it’s really never impacted school before. This is genuinely the first time it has escalated.

OP posts:
SpoonBlender · 03/02/2019 02:39

Both the girls chose to throw chairs. Both fought. "She started it!" doesn't count in the real world even at age 4.

They both get punished by the school, correctly.

Hopefully DD will learn more from this than you seem to be.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 03/02/2019 02:39

When someone disagreed with you you responded with “go fuck yourself”. Is this the attitude you want you daughter to learn, and maybe why she throws a chair in respond to having one thrown at her? Maybe if she sees you accessing this situation calmly and explaining to her what she has done wrong (no mention of retaliation or other parties) she may grow up better

Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 03/02/2019 02:45

And no I don’t think she deserves the same consequences as her friend and I don’t like the implication that she deserved what happened to her either. There is no other side, I’ve seen all messages sent from both sides and I believe my DD.

God, some of these replies sicken me, I hope you realise that emotionally abusive relationships happen between friends too? I’ve watched this girl grind my daughter down over the past few months and it killed me knowing there was nothing I could do or say to make it stop.

Of course I don’t condone violence at all, but it just seems shit that she’s being punished equally for something she didn’t start.

OP posts:
PCohle · 03/02/2019 02:48

Arguing about "who started it" is behaviour I didn't let my kids get away with when they were toddlers let alone teenagers.

You could kill someone by throwing a chair at them. What if a bystander had been seriously injured?

Stop focusing on what the other girl did and come down on your DD like a ton of bricks.

Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 03/02/2019 02:53

Err justagirlwholovesaboy, I was replying to someone who hadn’t actually added anything to my thread. They just seemed to take the piss out of my use of the acronyms I’d used in my OP, hardly constructive. And implied my DD enjoyed her ‘scrap’, so yes in that situation I think go fuck yourself is quite appropriate.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 03/02/2019 02:54

What have the messages got to do with the situation at hand? If someone sends you abusive messages it’s pretty easy to block them, no engage, distance yourself etc. There seems like lots of ways this could be managed before throwing a chair back in retaliation and getting into some wrestling moves on the floor.

If your DD is old enough to have a boyfriend then I would expect they would be able to manage this situation. It seems they may lack a bit of guidance though. If this occurred in a workplace both people would be fired. The workplace could not care less about some background of pissy messaging that they would expect you to be able to manage in a rationale manner.

Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 03/02/2019 02:56

Yeah PCohle what if my DD had been hurt when she had a chair flung at her? Or knocked unconscious when her friend dragged her to the floor?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 03/02/2019 03:00

I think you need to forget the other party and work with the school in accepting the consequences for your daughter's behaviour.

PCohle · 03/02/2019 03:00

Your daughter risked injuring someone just as much as the other girl did. Hence why their punishments are the same.

Your daughter totally lost the moral high ground by retaliating.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 03/02/2019 03:03

OP you can in no way see that your attitude is a part of this issue, you see that everyone disagreeing is wrong, even when every single poster has said the same general thing. Speak with your daughter about her behaviour (other children’s behaviour irrelevant) and get her to apologise because yes, she did something very wrong

Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 03/02/2019 03:04

But HoppingPavlova that’s exactly what she has been doing, it was the friend that started a row in a lesson.

She literally will not stop, she even showed another friend a message asking them if she
Should say something to my DD the friend said No, but she still did it.

Then it escalated to the physical fight. I’m getting sick of explaining this, my DD did nothing, she didn’t engage, then the chair was thrown.

OP posts:
LadyandGent · 03/02/2019 03:09

Saw a good quote a couple of weeks back on Facebook of all places. Haven't got it exactly right but it was along the lines of

PEOPLE DON'T SEE THE PROVOCATION, THEY ONLY SEE THE RETALIATION

So, as with many things in life, this is just one of those situations you're going to have to suck up and deal with. Friend sounds like a jealous bitch, but tell your dd to take her punishment and to never have anything to do with her again. Ever. Nothing. That would be a deal breaker for me. I would actually punish my dd if she got hauled back into that toxic friendship. Sometimes, as a parent, you have to haul ass. And if your kid has gotten to the point of retaliation and fighting, she needs her ass hauled.

I know it ain't pretty and it ain't right, but it is what it is. You have to pull rank now and tell your dd to never ever communicate with that other girl again. It has ended in tears, as you expected. Time to draw a line.

Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 03/02/2019 03:11

I don’t have an attitude, I have on many occasions admitted that my DD was wrong to throw the chair.

I don’t take kindly to having my posts ripped apart for the language I’ve used or having aspersions cast on my DD from someone who wasn’t in the room when the fight happened. She’s a kid, they’re an adult, apparently.

I haven’t rowed with anyone or disagreed about the chair throwing either just tried to explain the background to why it happened.

OP posts:
LadyandGent · 03/02/2019 03:13

As for the other posters. If my husband threw a chair at me, hell yes, I'd throw it back. Not the wisest course of action arguably, but I can see your daughter's point. A lot of prim and proper posters on your thread, but at the end of the day, play ball with the school and get your dd away from this nutcase.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 03/02/2019 03:16

You don’t have an attitude 😂

LadyandGent · 03/02/2019 03:18

And another point to make, just in case you're taking some comments to heart. You are posting about the most precious person in the world to you. Posters are posting about some randomer on the internet whose kid threw a chair and got into a fight. Don't expect them to see the world through your eyes. They won't. and a lot of them like stirring shit anyway

MidniteScribbler · 03/02/2019 03:22

she’s the most mild mannered girl you could wish to meet

Mild mannered people don't generally throw chairs at people.

Aside from any provocation, what she did was bloody dangerous. It wasn't just the other girl she could have hurt, but also innocent others standing by. I got seriously injured when I tried to grab a student out of the way of a flying chair once at school. It also causes damage to property, is very disruptive as the classroom has to be emptied, students moved elsewhere, and can be upsetting for others to witness.

Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 03/02/2019 03:27

Please enlighten me justagirlwholovesaboy? I’d be happy to see the examples.

Ladyandgent I had already told her not to engage any further after the last strop. I think that’s my frustration, she’d got to the point where she agreed with me by then. It’s just a shame that this altercation happened and my DD didn’t handle it they way she should have.

As much as I’m thankful for your support I still know my DD was wrong to retaliate and it could’ve been handled better.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 03/02/2019 03:29

Christ Midnight, it was in retaliation, yes not big, not clever, but you know what sometimes even the meekest fight back.

OP posts:
LadyandGent · 03/02/2019 03:31

Just take the punishment, tell the school you're dealing with it at home (i.e. ending this friendship hopefully), tell them what they want to hear (i.e. that she'll be suitably punished) and your dd is going to have to take the punishment. Fuck all else you can do.

MidniteScribbler · 03/02/2019 03:37

Christ Midnight, it was in retaliation, yes not big, not clever, but you know what sometimes even the meekest fight back.

Despite all the shit I've been through, I've never thrown a chair in my life. Stop making excuses. What if she had hit one of her classmates in the head, they could actually have been killed. It may sound extreme, but it's not that far removed from one punch laws.

Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 03/02/2019 03:38

LadyandGent the friendship was dead in the water before the fight happened anyway, I think the fright just from the fight and the fear of the meeting on Tuesday is enough punishment.

I don’t think I can reiterate how out of character this is for my DD, she really isn’t that type of girl at all.

OP posts:
Ilikedampcake · 03/02/2019 03:44

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Justagirlwholovesaboy · 03/02/2019 03:49

Is there someone with less of a temper who can go to the meeting with her? To calm to situation and offer apologies on her behaviour?