Hand hold, absolutely sobbing my heart out just now about my son. Tell me it will all be okay?

[CallingFromLondon]

I've just sat crying... because I realised today I adore and love my son beyond measure. For the first time since he was born, I look at him and I feel joy, love and happiness. I feel pride.

He is 14 months old. 14 months. And this is the first time this massive bubble has lifted. He is currently napping and I'm sobbing because I can't believe how I've gone this long without feeling these things.

This week, things seem to have slowly lifted... And today, I don't feel any sort of suffocating bubble at all! I can breathe. I can love my son and admire him, feel absolute pride he is mine.

Before this time, every day was a drag. I felt so frustrated and a bit like he was a nuisance to be endured. I tried not to show it. I tried to just carry on, but I think I know he must've sensed it.

It's so strange because he's a complete mummy's boy who is ATTACHED to me. Nobody else will do but me. How can this be? I haven't been the mum he deserved. This amazing, gorgeous, loving little boy.

I can't even blame a traumatic birth or newborn stage. He slept through 8 hours from birth, 12 hours from 6 weeks old. He napped on demand. He walked early, even spoke early, his first word was 'Mum'. And is now a firm 'Mummy!'. He can tell me names of animals and say 1,2.

I just don't see how I have neglected to cherish him. Why does he love me so much? I haven't been the mum he deserves. Please tell me he will not remember me looking bored or 'not all there'.

People would constantly stop me in the street to tell me how beautiful he was, and they thought he may be a girl because he was so stunning. My extremely truthful often hurtfully so family even insisted he was the most angelic and gorgeous little boy. I didn't really see it much. I wanted to change things about him. What a monster I was. Why would I want to change him? There's nothing to change!

I use to count down the hours to bedtime, from the moment he woke up.

I often wondered how bad it would really be if he wasn't here and didn't exist. I didn't even feel guilty. But something deep down gave me a feeling of utter loss and sadness, a never ending sadness where I couldn't even carry on.

I tried speaking to my GP a month or so ago. I was told it's a bit too late for any sort of PND intervention but he offered anti depressants (I didn't take them because they did not work for me before).

Please tell me it will all be okay And going forward, I can just enjoy my stunningly beautiful boy, with his fabulous character?

You're not a monster and you were there for him. You just don't realise it. Small children form attachments to their mother. He sounds firmly attached to you :)

Have a hand hold.

You love him and he loves you.

Simple as that.

You are deserving of his love for no other reason than you are his mum.

As for the counting down the hours to bedtime - aaaalllllll very normal for any parent

God you sound like an amazing mum. Full of love and so aware of you and your son. Little wonder he adores you. You're the only one for him!

It sounds like you've had a really rough time at first. It can be a big shock even if labour and birth are straightforward.

He won't have sensed any of your frustration really. He's obviously sensed a lot of warmth and love from you anyway.

Take heart. We are all finding our way, every day. Some are full of frustration and others are like your day, today.

Enjoy your son. I hope you have some faith in yourself that you're doing a grand job and that you are allowed to take it one day at a time.

I just never enjoyed him. Even with his first smile, I never felt anything. Nothing.

We are still breastfeeding and I've never understood why people claim it's an 'amazing bond'. For me, he has the amazing bond towards me. But I don't feel like I've bonded with him... if that makes sense.

But breastfeeding is suppose to help PND. Fuck knows what would've happened to us if 1. He didn't take well to the breast and 2. He wasn't those odd ball unicorn babies that slept through from birth

Be very kind to yourself. PND is enormously common, frequently undiagnosed, and even many of those who would not meet the criteria for a clinical diagnosis struggle to adapt to life after having a child. It's like a bomb that blows up in your life for many of us, and it can take far longer than the 'immediate rush of love' myth tells us to come to love our children.

I've often recommended that people struggling with new parenthood read books aimed at adoptive parents -- this is not to claim in any way a parity of experience, but there is a wonderful realism in many of them about how long it can take for a little stranger to become your beloved child that I found helpful when I had a small baby.

Welcome to the beginning of motherhood that so many of us experience, for a variety of reasons.
Sounds like your son adores you, so clearly you've been a good mother, even if it didn't feel like that inside.

Some parents fall in love with a baby straight away, for many others it's a slow growing thing.

It's wonderful you've reached a point where you will enjoy your son and parenting more.

Let yourself off the hook about the hard beginning: it's okay, it happens, way more than anyone talks about. It's not your fault.

Enjoy the present , don't look back.

Please tell me he will not remember me looking bored or 'not all there'

He won't remember any of this, OP. He's too young. Please don't worry and put it all behind you.

Gosh, you just made me cry

Sounds like you are coming out the other side of the fog of parenting a baby. Whether you have had PND I don't know but I relate to so much of what you said

My two are grown up now and I still look back and wish I had cherished their childhood better. Had more patience, given more of my undivided time, listened better instead of directing

It goes so quickly and yet I found those early years so bloody relentless and felt a bit numb really

Btw, my kids are fine and don't remember any bad times

Read back at all the things you've done for this little boy in such difficult circumstances!
Fed him, cuddled him, made sure he was clean and safe and felt loved, even while not feeling joy for yourself.

If ever there's unconditional love that's it. Even if you didn't know it at the time.

Enjoy these new feelings. All will be well x
And yes, we all look forward to bedtime

I was the same op. A friend gave me one of the best pieces of advice when I was pregnant 'that not everyone feels that feeling straight away AND THATS OK. It WILL happen'. As you, and I found out.

I still feel guilt about those early days, I used to get DH to check on them and kiss them when we went to bed as I just couldn't face the risk of waking them when I knew I'd be up again in a few hours feeding and changing them.

AnyFucker I'm sorry to hear it was sometimes similar for you

It's awful. All consuming. I just felt so numb for so long. Now I feel excited to see him, for him to wake up so I can see his funny bed-hair and funny little mannerisms.

He loves dancing, I can't put any telly on without him dancing to some sort of advert or background music.

And he's always wanted to see me, to be with me. Yet I've not really wanted to be with him. That's the hard part. I feel tremendously guilty because I feel like 14 months is very old for PND or whatever I'm going through to get better.

There have been times even feeding him was a pain in the arse, and I'd just crack open a jar of something because I couldn't be bothered one bit

"But I don't feel like I've bonded with him..."

Well, there's definitely something going on there even if you don't think it's called bonding.

The fact you love him and feel such pride in him is a kind of bond.

All the other stuff will come, you know. And even if you don't feel you've "enjoyed" him yet or ever, you're still his mum and the positive effects your being his mum are clearly there for him.

Take your time.

You say you’ve just realised this today. That’s great. But please don’t beat yourself up it tomorrow feels more like yesterday did, iyswim. When I’ve been coming out of a period of depression I’ve always had ups and downs.

"
There have been times even feeding him was a pain in the arse, and I'd just crack open a jar of something because I couldn't be bothered one bit"
Again, this is normal. My older children sometimes have cereal for tea!

I feel tremendously guilty because I feel like 14 months is very old for PND or whatever I'm going through to get better.

It's pretty much the age my son was when I woke up out of the depressive fog I seemed to have spent his first year or so in. I don't think it's unusual. I think I fared far worse than you. I was googling adoption agencies. I once walked out in the middle of the night with no intention of coming back. (I made it to the end of the street.) I thought I had made the worst mistake of my life. A good friend who could see I was struggling who did tell me 'You don't have to do anything, it will get better by itself', and I didn't believe her then. It's true, though.

Don't get caught in a cycle of guilt. You looked after your baby's needs -- babies aren't psychologists trained to examine maternal ambivalence. Now you get to enjoy him. And he sounds adorable.

Very best wishes.

Ds is going on 9 and I’ve just realised I actually really like his company. I didn’t dislike it before but something has changed and suddenly I miss him when he’s at school on my days off.
I think it’s normal when they grow up a bit you grow a different relationship with them. And it’s the different relationship you don’t expect. No one told me I’d love to spend hours thinking up better names for things but that ds’s current joy and it’s great.
Enjoy your baby. Let go of the guilt.

It's so strange because he's a complete mummy's boy who is ATTACHED to me. Nobody else will do but me. How can this be? I haven't been the mum he deserved. This amazing, gorgeous, loving little boy.

Because you looked after and loved him and fed him and kept him warm and he feels happy and safe with his Mummy who he knows she loves him (even if she thought she didn't, probably because of PND). Now you have realised how wonderful he is, enjoy enjoy enjoy every minute of your wonderful boy who loves his wonderful Mummy to bits.

It's great that you are feeling a bit happier op!

But don't feel bad for finding things hard up to now. Having a baby is a massive adjustment and loads of things can cause low mood: hormones, lack of freedom, the pressure we put on ourselves to be good mothers, anxiety caused by the overwhelming responsibility, isolation (I definitely suffered from the last two). As pp said, you don't need to to have suffered a traumatic event to experience those things.

No one is doing it perfectly! Parenting is very challenging and sometimes when your baby is safe, fed, clean, wearing clean clothes on clean sheets you need count that as a win! (Not that those things are insignificant either!).

You are definitely not a monster - you wouldn't be posting here like this if you were - your baby obviously adores you!

Oh, and mine is now six, and I'm utterly besotted. There will be bumps in the road from where you are now, so don't panic if you feel some days that you have slid backwards again -- progress isn't smooth or fast, always.

And he's always wanted to see me, to be with me. Yet I've not really wanted to be with him.

But you have been with him. You haven't abandoned him. You've stepped up and done it for him.

Being a mum is bloody hard work. i personnally have struggled at lots of different times for lots of different reasons.

i have become incredibly frustrated with my DC (especially DS1 who's speciality is not going to bed but screaming at me instead).

I love them both to bits. But I just wish it were easier.

Don't worry at all, it's completely normal to feel that parenting young children is going through the motions and a big grind a lot of the time.

Young children actually need very simple things and you have amply provided all the basics. I'm so glad that you feel a cloud has lifted.

You know on the plane when they say you must fit your own oxygen mask first before helping your child, or anyone else? Remember this principle generally in life. Take care of yourself.

rainydaymum.co.uk/getting-started-self-care-busy-mum/

You've recovered from an illness, and that is an amazing thing to be celebrated. You've cared for him, he has been safe and happy. He will know nothing of this. Even mums without PND sometimes get bored looking after a baby all day (I know I did). Don't think about what you've lost, think about the years of happiness you have ahead of you with your boy.

This was me.

I cared for him functionally - well fed, cuddled, time spent playing with him... going through the motions.

Sometimes I wished him away. On better days, I just felt numb to him.

The guilt I felt about those early days is only matched by the weight of the love that eventually came crashing in.

I'm only sad that I 'missed' those early years - but I'm determined not to let those feelings rise up and rob me of the happines i feel now.

I'm so sorry - its a horrible experience. Forgive yourself and don't was another precious second feeling regret. x

"Please tell me it will all be okay"

It really will all be okay

Look after yourself.

And don't beat yourself up. Your son saw the real you, he loves you. XX