Hand hold, absolutely sobbing my heart out just now about my son. Tell me it will all be okay?

[CallingFromLondon]

I've just sat crying... because I realised today I adore and love my son beyond measure. For the first time since he was born, I look at him and I feel joy, love and happiness. I feel pride.

He is 14 months old. 14 months. And this is the first time this massive bubble has lifted. He is currently napping and I'm sobbing because I can't believe how I've gone this long without feeling these things.

This week, things seem to have slowly lifted... And today, I don't feel any sort of suffocating bubble at all! I can breathe. I can love my son and admire him, feel absolute pride he is mine.

Before this time, every day was a drag. I felt so frustrated and a bit like he was a nuisance to be endured. I tried not to show it. I tried to just carry on, but I think I know he must've sensed it.

It's so strange because he's a complete mummy's boy who is ATTACHED to me. Nobody else will do but me. How can this be? I haven't been the mum he deserved. This amazing, gorgeous, loving little boy.

I can't even blame a traumatic birth or newborn stage. He slept through 8 hours from birth, 12 hours from 6 weeks old. He napped on demand. He walked early, even spoke early, his first word was 'Mum'. And is now a firm 'Mummy!'. He can tell me names of animals and say 1,2.

I just don't see how I have neglected to cherish him. Why does he love me so much? I haven't been the mum he deserves. Please tell me he will not remember me looking bored or 'not all there'.

People would constantly stop me in the street to tell me how beautiful he was, and they thought he may be a girl because he was so stunning. My extremely truthful often hurtfully so family even insisted he was the most angelic and gorgeous little boy. I didn't really see it much. I wanted to change things about him. What a monster I was. Why would I want to change him? There's nothing to change!

I use to count down the hours to bedtime, from the moment he woke up.

I often wondered how bad it would really be if he wasn't here and didn't exist. I didn't even feel guilty. But something deep down gave me a feeling of utter loss and sadness, a never ending sadness where I couldn't even carry on.

I tried speaking to my GP a month or so ago. I was told it's a bit too late for any sort of PND intervention but he offered anti depressants (I didn't take them because they did not work for me before).

Please tell me it will all be okay And going forward, I can just enjoy my stunningly beautiful boy, with his fabulous character?

You have been there for him, and there with him, you have cared for him and given him what he needs, that's why he loves you. Many people parent through a fog of depression, or grief, or pain, or even just pure tiredness and boredom. You have not harmed him in any way and you have come out the other side, so try not to look back and focus now on enjoying every new day with your precious little boy.

OP it will be okay!

This was me for 3 and half years.

When the dust settles and you look back on all this you are going to be so proud of how you were always there in it, getting it all done when you felt like you couldn't face another moment.

14 months of forcing yourself to be there when you just wanted to be anywhere else.

You should be incredibly proud of yourself and in time, you will be.

So happy for you that the fog is lifting.

PND is an absolute bitch, there's no other way to put it really. I'm glad you've come through the other side and you're getting your rush of love now. My daughter is 14 months too and I finally feel like my cloud is starting to lift too.

For what it's worth, anyone who says they enjoy their children 24/7 is either a liar or delusional - they're hard work, but my god are they worth it.