Hand hold, absolutely sobbing my heart out just now about my son. Tell me it will all be okay?

[CallingFromLondon]

I've just sat crying... because I realised today I adore and love my son beyond measure. For the first time since he was born, I look at him and I feel joy, love and happiness. I feel pride.

He is 14 months old. 14 months. And this is the first time this massive bubble has lifted. He is currently napping and I'm sobbing because I can't believe how I've gone this long without feeling these things.

This week, things seem to have slowly lifted... And today, I don't feel any sort of suffocating bubble at all! I can breathe. I can love my son and admire him, feel absolute pride he is mine.

Before this time, every day was a drag. I felt so frustrated and a bit like he was a nuisance to be endured. I tried not to show it. I tried to just carry on, but I think I know he must've sensed it.

It's so strange because he's a complete mummy's boy who is ATTACHED to me. Nobody else will do but me. How can this be? I haven't been the mum he deserved. This amazing, gorgeous, loving little boy.

I can't even blame a traumatic birth or newborn stage. He slept through 8 hours from birth, 12 hours from 6 weeks old. He napped on demand. He walked early, even spoke early, his first word was 'Mum'. And is now a firm 'Mummy!'. He can tell me names of animals and say 1,2.

I just don't see how I have neglected to cherish him. Why does he love me so much? I haven't been the mum he deserves. Please tell me he will not remember me looking bored or 'not all there'.

People would constantly stop me in the street to tell me how beautiful he was, and they thought he may be a girl because he was so stunning. My extremely truthful often hurtfully so family even insisted he was the most angelic and gorgeous little boy. I didn't really see it much. I wanted to change things about him. What a monster I was. Why would I want to change him? There's nothing to change!

I use to count down the hours to bedtime, from the moment he woke up.

I often wondered how bad it would really be if he wasn't here and didn't exist. I didn't even feel guilty. But something deep down gave me a feeling of utter loss and sadness, a never ending sadness where I couldn't even carry on.

I tried speaking to my GP a month or so ago. I was told it's a bit too late for any sort of PND intervention but he offered anti depressants (I didn't take them because they did not work for me before).

Please tell me it will all be okay And going forward, I can just enjoy my stunningly beautiful boy, with his fabulous character?

I’m there with you, except it took me a lot longer than 14months with both of mine. The early years just felt like going through the motions and getting through the day by whatever means possible now is totally different, my youngest is so much fun and I miss him when he’s at nursery, and my eldest is such good company and great for a conversation.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just not built for the pre three years and much prefer them as proper little people and I’ve gradually stopped beating myself up about it, they’re both happy, secure and confident so I can’t have been doing much wrong despite probably not doing much right!

AAah, I think nature's decision to make it so that we don't remember much before the age of three or four is pretty damn clever! He clearly has bonded with you and now you get the chance to bond back. Enjoy it.

Congratulations, I’m sure your darling child is an absolute sweetheart, I’m glad you have just realised what a beautiful child he is. Carry on enjoying this amazing, funny, clever , beautiful child you and your dp created with love. Parenting is a hard slog, I’m truly glad you are feeling the rewards of all of your hard work. (My children were in their 20s before I realised I’d ‘done’ parenting ok.

You silly sausage! Of COURSE he loves you, and the way you behaved was not unusual. Stop being so hard on yourself! ❤️

Have a (((HUG))) and some flowers ...

Don't beat yourself up. You did and do love him. You just couldn't feel it before but the love was there nevertheless and he would have known that I'm sure as babies are so instinctive

It took me AGES to feel I loved my eldest. FAR longer than you. But it happened eventually and now I can feel the love and I am in awe of her tbh, she is utterly amazing.

It really will be ok. I just wanted to say don’t feel downhearted or too troubled if you have the occasional ‘down’ day, or feel a bit ‘numb’ again from time to time. It can be a 2-steps-forward-1-step-back process but gradually the fog lifts completely. Just keep on keeping on.

I had a very similar 'light bulb' moment when DD1 was about 6 months old. I suddenly fell in love with her one sunny day, we were sat in the garden and my heart went ping and a huge cloud lifted off me.

Don't feel guilty because your lovely son will not remember any of this. He will just love his mummy, who has been there since day one. My DD is 28 and we are very close.

With DD2 things were very different, I had the immediate gush of love the second she was born.

Your GP was wrong. There was a thread on here in the last year where a woman went to the GP at 12 months and was diagnosed with PND and got tablets and eventually they worked. it was really heartwarming. Something with bond in the title.

You'd think GPs would take it more seriously even if it's over the newborn stage.

ahhh OP, you sound like you have given your best. We can't make ourselves feel what's not there. You have cared for your child and put them first even with no loved up emotions - that is amazing. Faking emotions wouldn't make anything better.

Looking at it from an adult view, if my mum told me your story now, I would not hold it against her, I would just think she had been strong as an Ox to hold it all together until she 'fell in love'!

Put it behind you and enjoy. I am sure you will give him tons of happy memories as he grows. You sound like a very caring mum to me, who deserves to love and be loved.

I had a flare up of MH issues from when DC1 was of a similar age, in my case possibly due to problems at work after returning to work and goingPT after mat leave, problems with childcare, ongoing sleep deprivation, relationship problems and secondary infertility (wow, looking back no wonder I was struggling !)

GP offered pills and that was it. In retrospect I would have chosen to take them! Paid for some (private) counselling sessions with a BACP registered counsellor which helped, along with some self care and addressing some of the issues.

At the time my GP said that postnatal MH issues did sometimes come out a long time after the birth, or had been there all along but no help been sought.

Oh OP please don't beat yourself up, being a parent is like jumping on a treadmill. I have 4 DC from 22 months to 9yrs and some days I count down the hours until bedtime and I can go weeks without stopping and remembering how wonderful they are.

You've done everything right, it's OK now and it will continue to be OK. You're doing great.

So much solidarity with you. I only realised I had PND when my son was 10 months or so, and I only truly started enjoying our time together well after his first birthday.

Last night we were cuddling in his bed, I was reading to him and we found ourselves giggling hysterically under the covers about something. And it felt amazing. It took sooooo long to get to this point, with meds, with a good psychiatrist, where I no longer fear spending time alone with my son.

If you still feel at all ‘down’ do return to GP (sorry, haven’t rtft) - they may not prescribe for PND (bullshit IMO as it can sometimes be very delayed) but they can prescribe for depression.

The first year can be such a drag!

It’s all hard work mostly.

I personally adore the 1yr plus bit, when they start to interact with the world and you start to communicate with them, learn their personality etc

Bravo, now the fun starts and oh yes you’ll be rewarded day after day!

Oh he’ll have his bad days too, but you know what love is and he knows he loves you.

That’s all that matters

Thank you, you have put into words how I feel on a daily basis. DD, also 14 months is wonderful but I've lost myself somewhere along the way.

Waiting for the clouds to clear too, and reading your post has been so encouraging. Keep going with your LO, you're amazing.

Having a child, especially a small one, is overwhelming, often tedious, frustrating and lonely. It is completely normal to feel ambivalent about this little tyrant who has flipped your life upside down!
You love your son and he loves you. (He’ll also exhaust you, annoy the crap out of you and bring you to your knees, but all that is secondary to the first bit.) You sound like a great, emotionally honest and caring mother

You are not a bad mother. You fed, bathed, clothed and looked after him. You made him the boy his is now. You have done so well to struggle through 14 months, don't beat yourself up, your cloud has lifted. Try to enjoy the good moments. Being a mum is hard graft, and you have come a long long way already.

Also, even with an “easy” baby who sleeps well, becoming a parent is a massive change, and not all in a good way!

Eg the sense of responsibility, loss of personal autonomy and time, and the additional domestic drudge work - laundry, grrrr - shocked and pissed me off in that first year!

Just wanted to say that I could have written your post work for word, although I had a really shitty birth. It took me til probably about 10 months to take joy in my amazing son. I'm actually booked in for some private counselling in about 2 weeks time (he's nearly 14 months). I decided it was time to get it all out, and I only feel able to now, because I actually know I've done a good job now.
Maybe this is something that could also support you to move forward too. Congratulations, and enjoy your son :)

You be kind to yourself OP

My realisation that I DID actually love my DD , very much, came at her six month point and I like you wept . It was a mixture of regret (though she don't remember it, and nor will your baby) and relief .

Don't beat yourself up about Before ,. It was not your fault.

PS I was diagnosed with PND when my DD was 24 months. I had counselling after the birth (trauma related), but for some reason, I was so busy the first year with going to mother groups etc etc that I just didn't allow myself time to adjust to my new role as a mum. I went back to work, crashed and burned....and hit rock bottom. PND is real, it can hit you at any stage. I too, struggled on, but got it sorted, just like you have and will.

I was the same, it hit me at 9 months and the guilt is suffocating. I was functioning in a cloud of PND and it was very hard. It was a traumatic birth and early months but from other experiences I have heard, PND is the same no matter what the birth and early months experience is like it hits and it hits hard. My second DS....bond was immediate and I think that was because I was more settled, experienced and my body knew what it was doing. Lots of us have been there. ❤️

Hug! Have a wonderful time with your lovely son, so glad you've 'found him'!

I felt like this about DS (the numbness) until he was nearer 3 years old. He was definitely NOT a sleep through baby and I am sure that did not help matters much.

I decided very early on to fake it until I made it. I wasn't always successful and I definitely know that I did not cherish the early years as I should have (hindsight is a wonderful thing) but I had several people tell me they thought I was good mother in those days (albeit my lack of feeling a bond made me feel I couldn't be)

I also feel a bit guilty about that time but I look at this way. Loving your child is me is about actions from (DS's point of view anyway). The fact that I continued to try to give his as much as I could of what he needed regardless of how I felt means that I did a good job. It is much much easier to be a good mother with that bond than without it. I kept on anyway and so did you OP. That makes you a brilliant mother .

In the end faking it until I made it worked and I adore my lumbering 14 year old now. Believe me it is much harder to 'feel' the love for a teenager than for a baby but I really do feel it now and did from when he was around 3 years old

From the other side, I grew up aware that my mother suffered from depression and was pretty unhappy when we were small but I also have been very certain all of my life that my mother loves me and would do anything for me. Now she is frail and in her nineties, our relation ship has obviously changed and as in any family she can drive a bit potty sometimes but our relationship is a warm one and my conviction that she loves all her children enormously has never wavered.

Parenting is a long game and in the end your son will judge how much you love him by how you behave towards him, not how you feel, which is lucky as how you feel is not something you can control easily but how you behave most definitely is.

I a happy for you that the numbness has lifted, but you are allowed to breathe a sigh of relief when he goes to bed you know. Waldo Emerson was pretty spot on (for me anyway )

'“There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep"