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Original poster

I struggle to fit in in 'groups' - anyone else

64 replies

TheToffeeTruckinTown · 17/01/2019 21:39

Just wondering if this is a thing or just me Confused
What I find is, I find it relatively to make friends on a one to one basis, but not in groups. I've just been dropped from a group I think Blush and don't have a group of friends. But I've got quite a few 'individual' friends.
Anyone else?

OP posts:
PaintingOwls · 17/01/2019 21:41

Yeah but I have stopped caring.

Villageidiots · 17/01/2019 21:45

Yes. Just appreciate your 1:1 friendships. I spent too long worrying about a v cliquey local group at one point. Have realised since that they mostly spend time bitching sbout their neigbours and husbsnds! The group dynamic can be a bit toxic ime.

Original poster
TheToffeeTruckinTown · 17/01/2019 21:54

Thanks. I'm very grateful for the friends I've got, just wondering what it is that makes me seemingly not suited to groups. I'm not one to just go along with things if I don't want to I suppose, but also I just find group dynamics quite hard to get somehow.

OP posts:
BlueBrush · 17/01/2019 22:00

I don't find groups very easy either. I think it's the pressure (maybe just self-imposed) of fitting in. Thinking about my 1:1 friends, they don't really have groups of friends either...In fact, do many people?

SpoonBlender · 17/01/2019 22:12

Yeah, not uncommon at all. You don't meet them much, because they don't socialise in groups...

Original poster
TheToffeeTruckinTown · 17/01/2019 22:14

That's a good point bluebrush - maybe not as much as I'm thinking. One friend is in a big NCT group still after many years, another in a smaller group of 3 or 4. Other than that, maybe the others are not actually. There's something about the thought of being in a big group, like my friend's one, that actually makes me feel a bit anxious.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheToffeeTruckinTown · 17/01/2019 22:16

I should add that I'm talking about groups of women. I feel like a mixed group would be easier.

OP posts:
NoNoNoOohmaybe · 17/01/2019 22:18

Ooh me! For years I was so envious of my friends with their large groups of friends they'd had for many years whilst I find groups awkward and anxiety provoking.

I just do 1:1 now, it still makes me sad from time to time but I'm nearly 40 so I don't think things will change.

missyB1 · 17/01/2019 22:22

To be honest I find groups such hard work that I no longer care about fitting in with them. It’s not worth the effort. I’ve decided I’m comfortable having just a couple of friends.

Lampshadylady · 17/01/2019 22:22

I should add that I'm talking about groups of women. I feel like a mixed group would be easier.

What a horribly misogynistic comment. Maybe you don’t feel comfortable in a group of women because of this

donajimena · 17/01/2019 22:23

Me too. In fact I only realised it was a thing when I read this post Grin I do have one group friendship. We meet up once a year max.

Orchiddingme · 17/01/2019 22:25

I am not great in groups, I don't seem to blend in easily as part of the group,plus I always prefer some of the group members more than others and wish I was just friends with them! I've tried groups a few times over the years, and it's never really worked.

PerfectPeony · 17/01/2019 22:26

I’m the same although since becoming a Mum I’ve enjoyed spending time with Mum groups on occasion. They are a nice bunch of people though and there’s none of the high school type drama you can get sometimes. Plus talking about babies can go on for hours.

I used to have a group of work colleagues I went out with but I realised all they ever actually did was talk about other people- people who talk about people. So I let it fizzle out.

I probably have two friends who I would say are close- I mostly only see them one to one. I prefer it that way, I can be myself and we get to have a proper catch up which you can’t do in bigger groups.

Original poster
TheToffeeTruckinTown · 17/01/2019 22:35

What a horribly misogynistic comment. Maybe you don’t feel comfortable in a group of women because of this

Sorry to have offended you lampshady but I have nothing against groups of women Confused why would I? I like women and have quite a lot of female friends. I'm not misogynistic and I don't think that's the reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheToffeeTruckinTown · 17/01/2019 22:37

It's not even that I don't like groups, but that I feel awkward and don't seem to fit into them. I feel similar to how you described it orchiddingme I don't seem to blend.

OP posts:
Lampshadylady · 17/01/2019 22:37

You’ve not offended me. It’s just a misogynistic comment.

Why would groups of women be harder to navigate than a mixed group, unless you think there’s something fundamentally about women that makes it so?

DramaAlpaca · 17/01/2019 22:39

I don't seem to be able to do groups. I've never fitted in to any, but that's fine. I've realised as I've got older that I'm much happier seeing one, or at most two, friends at a time.

Whynotnowbaby · 17/01/2019 22:40

Lampshady I don’t think that was misogynistic at all it’s just the case that the dynamics in female groups can be different to mixed groups. I feel very anxious in female groups and less so in mixed for the simple reason that my dh tends to be with me in the mixed scenario and he is very good at small talk and the whole group thing so I feel I can ride on his coattails a bit, I’m usually fine once I get started!

Original poster
TheToffeeTruckinTown · 17/01/2019 22:42

Perhaps it's because the only 'group' I've been in and felt I fitted was a group of boys and girls at school lampshady ? And I suppose to a degree 'groups' in the workplace where it's mixed. To be fair I wouldn't fit in a group of all men either. Gawd, can't say anything on MN these days without accidentally causing offence.

OP posts:
missyB1 · 17/01/2019 22:44

Lampshade don’t be silly. A group of mixed sex is often a different dynamic to a group of single sex. That’s not saying all single sex groups are bad it’s just acknowledging the difference. Personally I find mixed sex groups easier.

IRanSoFarAway · 17/01/2019 22:46

I feel like you OP, I don't think I'm good in groups either. I've been "dropped " by so many people in the past. I have a few individual friends who are not connected.

PerfectPeony · 17/01/2019 22:47

Nothing wrong with your comment OP!

I’m the opposite. I’ve never had a male friend or been in a mixed group! I have DH obviously but otherwise my friends are female.

dimsum123 · 17/01/2019 22:47

I also feel quite anxious at the thought of being part of group of (all female) friends although at the same time I do sometimes feel I would like to be part of a group and go out for meals/drinks etc.

My friendships all tend to be 1:1, and it's always been like that. Like a pp, if it was a mixed group I'd be fine, but an all female group actually scares me. I'm sure I'll get flamed for this but I feel I would never be sure that the others weren't talking about me if I wasn't there.

I'm happy with my friendships and I suppose it's best to accept that we're all different and can only do what works for us.

Lampshadylady · 17/01/2019 22:47

You didn’t offend me, I already said that. There’s a difference between being offended and calling out inappropriate comments.

Lampshadylady · 17/01/2019 22:53

A group of mixed sex is often a different dynamic to a group of single sex. That’s not saying all single sex groups are bad it’s just acknowledging the difference. Personally I find mixed sex groups easier.

That’s rubbish. A group of people depends on who is in that group. Women do not all behave in a certain way. Men do not all behave in a certain way.

an all female group scares me. I’d never be sure they weren’t taking about me if I wasn’t there

And there you go. Misogyny