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Original poster

I struggle to fit in in 'groups' - anyone else

64 replies

TheToffeeTruckinTown · 17/01/2019 21:39

Just wondering if this is a thing or just me
What I find is, I find it relatively to make friends on a one to one basis, but not in groups. I've just been dropped from a group I think and don't have a group of friends. But I've got quite a few 'individual' friends.
Anyone else?

OP posts:

Openup41 · 18/01/2019 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Binpedal · 18/01/2019 12:03

There is a big thing isn't there about being yourself and being confident in who you are.

Seline · 18/01/2019 12:04

For me it feels like I'm a non native speaker. I'm fluent and I say the right things but I dont get the in jokes, or the vernacular, or the regional dialect. So I'll always never quite be one of them.

IRanSoFarAway · 18/01/2019 12:55

Slipperylizard I go to a running group, even though I'm don't live in the area where most of them live, they have been very friendly. I think it's true what a PP said about having a common purpose makes it a bit easier. However I went to running groups years ago which were part of a gym, they were more cliquey. Try the group for a month and see how you get on, you can always leave.
I agree about social media making people feel inadequate! I don't have a big group of friends or really have any friends from school. I have always been quite shy and self conscious, over the years forced myself to do things. I think when you look on Facebook and see groups of people having nights out etc, it can affect you.

WheelyCote · 18/01/2019 13:03

Yep. I'm an introvert but love people.

Just not found my people yet

WheelyCote · 18/01/2019 13:04

Apart from the mumsnet crowd

Fairyliz · 18/01/2019 13:18

This is really interesting as I have a friend who is just like this. I saw her earlier in the week and we were chatting away all fine. However, when we go out as a group she literally does not speak at all.

So for example we will be talking about a tv show and she will not say whether or not she has seen it/liked it/thought the plot was good/bad/liked the actors etc. I have tried saying have you seen it X, but she will just say yes or no and nothing else.

She never suggests group meet ups so if someone else does on a day she can't attend we go ahead without her. I know this sounds really mean but she doesn't 'add' anything to the group.

So what can I do to help? I feel mean not inviting her but annoyed that she won't contribute.

Openup41 · 18/01/2019 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

preproombabe · 18/01/2019 14:45

This thread is ringing so many bells for me, it is such a relief to know I am not the only one like this.

For me, when I am in a group, I will find that I have things I want to say but I can never seem to find the right moment to speak. I end up either speaking over someone, which looks rude, or waiting for a pause in the conversation which, by the time it comes, the conversation has moved on and what I wanted to say has become irrelevant.

I do find activity - focused groups much easier, but over the years have got used to being on the fringes of groups and eventually dropped. I have mostly given up now. I find the social anxiety I feel is not worth the little amount of enjoyment I get out of it.

RoseMartha · 18/01/2019 14:55

I have more individual friends and prefer it that way. I do have a small group five of us that just meet for each others birthdays for coffee and cake.

Original poster

TheToffeeTruckinTown · 18/01/2019 15:17

I'm so grateful to everyone who has contributed to this thread so far and have enjoyed reading all the comments, I find myself nodding along to a lot of it. So interesting to read the ideas about group dynamics. I wonder if it can be learned or not (although feel like I'm too old now anyway) It's a great comfort to know there are others who feel similarly and have these struggles.
I'm glad it has helped you saturnina and anyone else who can relate. At least we have a group of sorts, which is the MN non group people
I agree with pp about being an introvert who likes people, that's a good way to describe it. And a dog person, although I really liked the cat/dog person theory upthread

OP posts:

Original poster

TheToffeeTruckinTown · 18/01/2019 15:21

Totally agree preproombabe

I also feel like I can't express a contrary opinion to what anyone else says in case I offend them. Then other people do and I am like because I don't understand what the unspoken rules are, and think if I said that it would look rude or I'd feel super awkward. So I tend to just sit there saying not much, perhaps yes not contributing much to the group. Perhaps to do with confidence as pp have said.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheToffeeTruckinTown · 18/01/2019 15:22

I agree with pp that in the end being happy with the friends you've got is probably the best thing, and just let the people who thrive in groups get on with it. Agree social media doesn't help, best ignored.

OP posts:

BerylStreep · 18/01/2019 15:35

I think the problem with groups is that if there is an issue with one individual, then you either stay quiet for group harmony or end up dividing or leaving the group. I really can't be arsed with politics like that.

And the agony of networking! I'm an outgoing person normally, but put me in a networking situation and I feel completely lost. It feels so artificial.

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