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Original poster

I struggle to fit in in 'groups' - anyone else

64 replies

TheToffeeTruckinTown · 17/01/2019 21:39

Just wondering if this is a thing or just me Confused
What I find is, I find it relatively to make friends on a one to one basis, but not in groups. I've just been dropped from a group I think Blush and don't have a group of friends. But I've got quite a few 'individual' friends.
Anyone else?

OP posts:
Openup41 · 17/01/2019 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

AtrociousCircumstance · 17/01/2019 23:02

It is a misogynistic comment although I know you won’t have meant it like that OP.

You’ve based it on your experiences - like some women who say all women are catty or bitchy and they prefer men - which isn’t a fair assessment. It’s judging people on their sex. Some groups of women will be awesome, some groups of men back-stabby - don’t let fear of female groups perpetuate in that way.

Having said that...I agree with you that group dynamics are a constant bloody nightmare.

Our family is our first group - that’s the place to look to root out our assumptions and beliefs about groups and how we recreate them around us.

Trusting a group is hard.

Original poster
TheToffeeTruckinTown · 17/01/2019 23:04

Can I just make it abundantly clear that I have nothing against groups of women. Or any groups. It's as if there are some unwritten rules which nobody told me when it comes to groups. I must be awkward in them or do something wrong perhaps, but I don't know what.

It's good to know that others get it. Perhaps not everyone is designed to socialise in groups or something.

I suppose as pp have said, best to just accept it.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 17/01/2019 23:06

Imagine a group of us in a room together Grin

Original poster
TheToffeeTruckinTown · 17/01/2019 23:06

That's interesting atrocious thanks.

OP posts:
Suzysuzuki · 17/01/2019 23:32

I've always been on the fringe of social groups. I have a few good friends but they all belong to their own groups. They are often out, posting on social media, and I do feel a pang of envy but then I remember that when I'm out I just want to be at home.
I'd like to have a group, where you can sit and talk over wine then grow old like the golden girls. I often think that if I died now there would be lots of unconnected people who would each have a very different vision of me and very different stories to tell. I've had milestone birthday parties and they've all turned up but didn't really mix.
It used to bother me but now I'm in my forties, not so much.

madcatladyforever · 17/01/2019 23:41

I don't do groups or teamwork. I always have individual friends and am self employed and work alone.
I was invited to join an all women biker gang once in my youth but I just didn't fancy the hierarchy of it.
I'm sure it's because I'm a cat person, I think you have to be a dog person to enjoy groups - well that's my theory anyway.

Openup41 · 18/01/2019 00:58

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

halfwitpicker · 18/01/2019 01:06

Another one here who finds groups hard. I never know who to focus on, how to let other people take turns at talking, who's the conversation driver etc ad nauseum. Group dynamics are hard. Individuals are easier.

halfwitpicker · 18/01/2019 01:08

Can I just make it abundantly clear that I have nothing against groups of women.

^

We know, op. One daft comment derails the sodding thread.

voxnihili · 18/01/2019 06:26

OP - I’m the same and it makes me really sad. I joined NCT when pregnant with my DD to try to have a group of friends. Initially it was great but over the weeks I started to feel like I definitely wasn’t part of the group. When arranging meet ups, if only 2 people could make it they’d still meet but if someone asked if anyone was free and it was just me, there was no meeting. It’s got to the point now that if I say something on our group chat, it gets completely ignored. I’ve felt so down about it and have no idea what I’ve done to mean I’m treated like it.

I’ve never had a group of friends and was quite excited that this might have given me the group of friends I’d always craved.

SlipperyLizard · 18/01/2019 06:41

I’m the same, although it has only really dawned on me recently (early 40s) that I should perhaps stop trying, as it doesn’t make me happy to not fit in!

There’s a book group I could join, I know and like most of the members, but I also know I’m somehow a different person in a group and would not be comfortable. It feels quite empowering to decline to join and be honest about why!

There’s also a running club I could join, but again I think it would cause me more stress than anything, as I’d constantly find myself on the outside of this really fun looking experience. Again, I know a few people who go so I wouldn’t be a complete stranger.

Seline · 18/01/2019 06:42

I'm the same OP. I just don't care any more. I leave people to their groups and get on with things I enjoy.

Seline · 18/01/2019 06:45

That said I'd love a really good close friend. I've only ever had one. He lived a few houses down from me as a kid and we had similar interests, and were inseparable from the age of 12. Sadly for me, but wonderfully for him, he emigrated to Italy and has no intentions of leaving. I see him once a year maybe.

TeaForDad · 18/01/2019 06:50

Lampshade if you think groups of mixed sex people don't have a different dynamic to groups of same sex people I'm amazed.
OP, I know what you mean. Keeping a group together takes a few linchpin types to organise and give the gravity, at school I was in a few groups but didn't have the deeper friendships with most members that the others seemed to.
As an adult (?) I have fewer friends, mostly old friends, and try to get a few groups going but it is hard work.
You're definately not alone

Iwantedthatname19 · 18/01/2019 07:12

My theory is that there are particular group 'skills' that some people have innately or develop, and others don't. For the people who have those skills, groups can be great - for the rest they can turn a bit unpleasant!

As others have said there is a particular 'group' conversational style (do take part, but never dominate, unless you are one of the leading members); but also things like physical positioning. Then there are the longer-term tactics (again instinctive I think, as I can't really define them!) to maintain your position and not be the one who gets excluded from things or even kicked out (as often happens to one of the group from time to time - see previous mn threads for details!).

If it doesn't come naturally it's much harder, though you can manage it to some extent. But basically if you're a non-groupie I think one to one friendships are much easier and more rewarding. However for some reason there is some social kudos to socialising in groups - not quite sure why. I suppose it signifies peer approval or something.

Seline · 18/01/2019 07:12

Mixed sex groups do have a different dynamic. I can't do single sex groups at all but I'm able to socialise somewhat in mixed sex groups. I know all people are different and it shouldn't matter but every single sex group I've met, I can't get on with.

PurpleAndTurquoise · 18/01/2019 07:21

Groups of women are definitely different to groups of men. It's not misogyny. This website is being spoilt by militant feminists being snowflakes. Although to be fair they put quite a few people off feminism so maybe the issue will sort itself out in the long run.

AnotherPidgey · 18/01/2019 07:46

I find groups easiest when they orientate around a common purpose because it creates shared experiences. They often create roles too for example people who organise and lead.

In something like NCT or the playground, I do find myself on the periphery. Being short with bad hearing doesn't help as I struggle to follow conversations above my head Grin Disliking tea and coffee is an isolating position too. I'm not naturally conformist, so to be sucessful, I need a cluster of other compatible outliers. I've only worked in one place where I felt sufficient connection to colleagues to continue any contact after moving on.

Mixed groups can have a different dynamic to female only. It's not mysogenistic to say that on a societal scale, men and women have different experiences and that feeds in to the way they socialise. As a sweeping generalisation men are more direct which is more comfortable for a socially awkward woman. Males are more comfortable with a depricating humour (which is fine when it's mutually balanced) whereas females often have a more fragile self-esteem (at least openly) and build up relationships with compliments and flattery. In my lovely set of female friends, we enjoy venting about life and our husbands... naturally that dynamic is different if any of them is around. If you followed general tends of difference into a statement like "female groups are bitches", then that would be mysogeny, but to observe general differences and just find one type harder to connect with isn't.

Seline · 18/01/2019 07:49

AnotherPidgey very well said!

Crimson72 · 18/01/2019 08:25

When arranging meet ups, if only 2 people could make it they’d still meet but if someone asked if anyone was free and it was just me, there was no meeting. It’s got to the point now that if I say something on our group chat, it gets completely ignored.

I know how you feel. I’m in a knitting group of seven women, which arranges monthly meet-ups over WhatsApp. There have been two occasions now where everyone bar me has said they can do a certain day, and then one has said “great, that’s a date, it’s in the diary”, without waiting for me to reply on whether I can do that date too. But if another member of the group hadn’t replied yet it would be, “oh but wait, we haven’t heard from Sally yet”. Am I being too sensitive/over-thinking this?

cafesociety · 18/01/2019 10:21

I too do not do well in a group situation with all it's dynamics and different personalities, each with their own agenda. Often there is at least one personality within a large group who seem to enjoy subtly disrupting a meet up in some way...

I've tried, been snubbed, sniggered at, watched the dominant personality take over a lot of the time, been left out, observed cliques leaving people out...it's not for me. It used to upset me, but I do 1:1 friendships ok so really do not care any more.

It didn't help that I experienced being bullied within some family situations when I lived at home. It was horrible.

I know someone who is still trying to fit in wearing herself out with a couple of groups of people, usually coming away feeling very different, inadequate in some way and letting the effort of it all drain them. Sad to watch.

A lot of people do things that do not suit their personalities because it's 'what everyone does', thinking something must be wrong with them if they don't join in, desperately trying to 'fit'. When they would be far happier being an individual, being their true selves, having a good time with a true friend, forming a bond and having shared pleasurable experiences.

I think Face book leads people to think they must have a hundred or more friends and go out constantly [with people who probably don't care about them at all] or they are failures. When real life isn't like that, there isn't the time, money or energy to do it all.

PerfectPeony · 18/01/2019 10:28

Love your post Cafe! Smile I definitely think social media has a lot to answer for.

Binpedal · 18/01/2019 11:21

Groups that have a purpose I find okay. So I'm in a martial arts club and there is only a small group of women in it. We've drawn support from each other and meet up. But there is no bitching, we have a laugh and of course we all share an unusual past time.
On the other hand I tried being part of a mum group on my estate. One night out, all they did was gossip, bitch and moan. I am a feminist but this does not mean women are beyond reproach. It was toxic and I didn't like it. I wanted to tell them to women up and stop being so nasty. There is no need for it and is usually driven by insecurity and jealousy. I have no doubt they have gossiped about me. I distanced myself but remain pleasant. Can't be arsed with local tensions.
Other than that I mainly do one to one or perhaps dinner with a couple of trusted friends.
Women are the same as men, you get good groups and toxic ones.

Saturnina · 18/01/2019 11:42

I just wanted to say thank you to TheToffeeTruckinTown for starting this conversation; I feel the same about being in a group, but I'm fine with one to one interactions with friends, I thought it was just me being "unsociable" or perhaps lacking social skills. Thank you also to everyone else who has also shared their own experience on this; it's such a relief to know that others feel the same :)