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Is love a reason to get married?

56 replies

dolliebauble · 16/01/2019 10:39

I am feeling like getting married was a strange thing for a 21st century woman living in the developed world to do. The reason is, (weddings aside) there doesn't seem to be any point. Why did I want do it? I would have said years ago because I want to be connected together in that way... But the more I think about it , it was to do with giving myself more value if he wanted to marry me. How bad is that!!

I've stopped wearing my wedding ring (DH never wanted one) because they seem elitist and a status symbol that I feel I should be rejecting to be able to call myself egalitarian.

OP posts:
NopSlide · 16/01/2019 10:44

Getting married is a formal declaration of beginning a new household. The internal management and hierarchy of that household are up to you the partners who formed it. It can be as egalitarian or not as you(pl) desire it.

themoomoo · 16/01/2019 11:05

why is a wedding ring elitist? I don't understand

ShartGoblin · 16/01/2019 11:06

For me love is not a reason to get married, I could happily live with my partner and have a family without a ceremony or a piece of paper (I don't mean to be insulting and I'm immensely happy for those that do wish to marry to declare their love).

I will get married of course because I wish to start a family relatively soon and I want us both to be legally protected and have more rights should one of us die. When I do I will also make it all about love and have a fantastic day so I'm still looking forward to it, it just wouldn't be happening if love were the only reason.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 16/01/2019 11:08

Marrying without love is foolish, but it shouldn't be the only reason.

doxxed · 16/01/2019 11:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

MorningsEleven · 16/01/2019 11:11

R U Ok hun?

Felicia3 · 16/01/2019 11:18

Some people believe in marriage. Some don't. We don't actually all have to be the same or do what others are doing. You don't want to wear your ring and don't think marriage is that great. As long as you are happy in yourself and your relationship, does it really matter?

elQuintoConyo · 16/01/2019 11:21

I live in Forrin. We planned children and it would have been crazy to have them without being married.

Being 'elitist' because I wear a wedding ring is the funniest thing I've heard for days!

dolliebauble · 16/01/2019 11:34

Perhaps elitist is the wrong word to use. I suppose what I'm trying to say is wearing one makes me feel part of a club that I am struggling to understand the point of. It is a statement and a symbol with historical connotations I don't like; I don't like the whole amount spent on an engagement ring conversation that I've heard in the past; The proposal story etc... Does that make sense?

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 16/01/2019 11:38

I got married because I loved him for no other reason!

I even wear a wedding ring Shock

dolliebauble · 16/01/2019 11:39

www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-45797780

This sums up what I'm wanting to discuss better than I can put it.

OP posts:
NopSlide · 16/01/2019 11:41

My engagement ring cost £40 but it's got very little to do with marriage itself, plenty of cultures have marriage but no engagement rings.

ChanklyBore · 16/01/2019 11:42

I wouldn’t get married for love. I have loved many people. I love one person romantically currently, and if I were to marry him it would be for financial and inheritance reasons. It would not matter whether I loved him or not, it is an aside that I do.

dolliebauble · 16/01/2019 11:42

Why get married though? To show you love someone?

OP posts:
MorningsEleven · 16/01/2019 11:43

A woman who's twice divorced writes a cynical article about marriage. I can't imagine what motivated her 🤔

NopSlide · 16/01/2019 11:44

Why get married though? To show you love someone?

You get married for the same reason if you start a business with someone you formalise it as a partnership. It formalises the responsibilities involved and it provides a legal mechanism for dissolving the partnership "fairly".

SnuggyBuggy · 16/01/2019 11:45

You either want the government and all its authorities to treat you like a unit or you dont.

Stringofpearls · 16/01/2019 11:48

My ring is a symbol of love to me, not that I'm part of a club, but if we are apart or even if we argue it's a reminder of our love and the reasons we are together. Sorry if that sounds a bit soppy but that's what it is to me.

dolliebauble · 16/01/2019 11:50

She doesn't come across as anti-marriage at all.

OP posts:
dolliebauble · 16/01/2019 11:58

Part of my original post was why I valued myself more if someone wanted to marry me. I look back now and think it is crazy but where the hell did that come from? Cultural expectation?

OP posts:
RagingWhoreBag · 16/01/2019 12:08

I think marriage is rooted in some pretty dodgy traditions, but like most things, people cherry pick the parts of it that appeal and then either don’t do the others, or conveniently overlook the history of those parts.

eg your dad walking you down the aisle feels like a lovely symbolic gesture but him “giving you away” reeks of property being transferred, so maybe you just see it as a proud dad accompanying his DD on her big day instead of how it was originally intended.

Similarly the ring, originally a symbol of ownership, but these days it’s a symbol of commitment to each other, especially if you both wear one. Things have changed and marriage IS now usually about love, not about the social or financial improvement of families.

I do find the whole proposal business problematic, successful independent women reduced to passive princesses, waiting around to be deemed worthy. However, if my DP and I get married, it will mean a huge amount to me that it isn’t just a sensible conversation about living arrangements and wills etc but something about how much he loves and appreciates me. While I understand that I have an equal say in when/if/how I get married, there is still something special about a surprise gift of a ring, a romantic moment of him declaring his love and intention to spend his whole life with me, that means more than any talk about next of kin or sharing our assets.

Certainly for mums of young DCs marriage is extremely important for protecting them in case of a split. So many women on here who don’t realise what a precarious position they’re in as unmarried SAHMs.

ladyratterley · 16/01/2019 12:08

That article is very interesting! I feel the same way.
My partner & I have recently decided to get married. A mutual decision rather than a proposal. He took me shopping to check out engagement rings but the whole thing has made me feel a bit uncomfortable. I don't like the thought of being "branded" with an engagement ring & wedding band. To me it feels a bit like being branded like cattle. Literally like a mans chattel!
The older I get the more I realise you don't have to do thing because they are "traditional" or a cultural expectation. Anyway. I think I may get an engagement style ring, but not a diamond solitaire, as a wedding band. We'll see.

We're getting married because we love each other, want to legally be a unit, want to show our commitment to each other and would quite like to celebrate this with our friends and family.

ladyratterley · 16/01/2019 12:11

Sorry for typos! Ragingwhorebag I agree it means more than the sensible stuff. We are not a very romantic couple so this is a big and special thing to me.

LuluMelons · 16/01/2019 12:13

You're not protected even if married.

Always work and have a career. That's the only way you can complete my protect yourself.

flamingofridays · 16/01/2019 12:19

if you feel that way I think you shouldn't have got married.

you either want to be married, or you don't.

I also think if you view an engagement ring as a sign of being "owned" it says a lot more about you and your relationship that it does the people who wear them.

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