Is love a reason to get married?

[dolliebauble]

I am feeling like getting married was a strange thing for a 21st century woman living in the developed world to do. The reason is, (weddings aside) there doesn't seem to be any point. Why did I want do it? I would have said years ago because I want to be connected together in that way... But the more I think about it , it was to do with giving myself more value if he wanted to marry me. How bad is that!!

I've stopped wearing my wedding ring (DH never wanted one) because they seem elitist and a status symbol that I feel I should be rejecting to be able to call myself egalitarian.

I love my DH to bits but when we got engaged at 24 and married at 25 I was mostly thinking "I'M GETTING MARRIEEEEEED". I was so excited to be able to call him my husband.

We'll both be 29 this year and I've realised that there was really no need for us to get married at all. We don't want kids, we don't own any property and I actually earn a lot more than him so I may have disadvantaged myself if it all goes pear shape (joke!)

I don't regret it though, I just appreciate that I was very naive when we did it.

I got married for love and the legal protections/ benefits.

If civil partnerships had been available to heterosexual couples at that time I'd have had one of those instead.

I wear a wedding ring, I use the title Mrs and I took the same surname as my husband. I'm still his equal and have no time for anyone who thinks otherwise.

We discussed this with the fab vicar who married us. Her question was why we wanted to be married given we already lived together and for us it was all about making that public commitment. (Church wedding because a lovely DPIL are committed Christians).

So why respond to this thread if you have no time to discuss it with people who think otherwise? Or do you only discuss things with people who think the same as you?

I said I had no time for people who think that my choices around marriage have somehow made me less equal than my husband. Perhaps a phrase you would more easily understand is "for people who think that choosing to get married, change my name and a wedding ring makes a woman less than her husband's equal I have only contempt". I assume not everyone participating in this thread will think I am now less than dh's equal.

Why did you start the thread if only certain types of response are acceptable to you?

Sorry, typos- change her name
wear a wedding ring

I'm married but never changed my name or don't call myself Mrs. Wear a wedding ring the odd time (yellow gold which I hate now)
DH never takes his off. I was never bothered whether he wore one or not. Don't think he's bothered about my rarely wearing it. MIL comments on it all the time, so much so that I've deliberately taken to not wearing it when I see her, just to piss her off

Concentrate on yourself OP, and everyone else can figure it out for themselves.

Love is important, but not the only important thing. I married pragmatically. I’ve never taken my engagement or wedding rings off. I like the title Mrs and I took his surname because I liked it. Very happy with my choices, everyone else is free to do whatever makes them happy.

So tell DH you dont feel like you want to be part of this club anymore and wearing your wedding ring makes you embarrassed. Get divorced and live together and see if it makes any difference to you or him!

Ibwanted to get married because I wasbin love and in my demographic it was what one did.

What completely blew me away was the profound and absolute spirituality of the vows and blessing of the rings. I wasn't expecting that and dh was the one with the religious background and who really wanted a church wedding.

It was the beginning of my relationship with God.

Love isn't the point but legal protection particularly for the lower earner and those who take on childcare, mat leave etc and stall their careers (usually women).

I wish I could travel back in time and point that out to myself prior to having children. I will be advising my DD not to even consider starting a family unless her significant other is prepared to marry first.

Can you tell I am going going through an unmarried break up, with no rights to his rather large pension, despite having done all the above (stalled my career, no pension, did all the caring duties for years) because he was clever enough to put off marriage and the legal protections it would have afforded me?

The reason to get married is to give yourself legal protection in a pre-existing relationship. We got married because we decided to have kids. Don't wear rings, neither of us saw the point. That's just personal taste though, we're simply not jewelry people in general.

TBH you come across a tad judgemental about people who want to get married.

I got married because I wanted him to be mine and make his ex spew

amusedbush, if your care came under the Mental Health Act, you have made sure that each other can 'pull rank' and have a greater say in each others care.

My DH's Family have some very strange and ignorant views. When he had a brain tumour, if I hadn't have been able to overrule them (as first in-line, under the law, relative), things wouldn't have gone as well for him.

I know someone who had to fight to find out about the funeral arrangements of her DP, because his Mother had it done and dusted before she realised.

Marriage, legally is a formal separation of your other close relatives, as such and a declaration of the importance of your now, Spouse.

If your DP has Adult children, or questionable blood relatives, it's especially important. Unless you want them as your legal representative.

But getting married for love, is a valid reason. Do we have a Gay section? Gaining the right to marriage wasn't just about wanting things to be equal for many same sex relationships. For some different sex relationships it is, that's why a Civil Partnership was wanted.

Well I got married be a use we loved each other. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't.

But we also got married before we had children so we were legally thst unit, all had the same surname etc. I wear my rings because they're a reminder of that day but I also get eczema so I don't always wear it. I don't feel any less loved in those days.

If you see a woman with an engagement ring and this "well she's basically him cattle now, he owns her" then that is all on you.

If you hear someone say "Oh I'm Mrs Smith now" and think we'll she's less of a woman / feminist etc now that is all on you.

If you see a married woman and think "well she's just a subservient piece of property now" that is all in you.

How do you feel about your relationship? Do you feel lessened by the marriage? Do you feel like the rings are a heavy yoke metaphorically around your neck?

Divorce is perfectly acceptable in this day and age if you don't want to be married.

Always work and have a career. That's the only way you can complete my protect yourself well it isn't always that easy but that's for another thread!!

I have been married twice, the first time unwisely and briefly, the second (and current) far more wisely and for keeps, and it did make a difference to how I felt, to how we both felt, it gave a solidity I suppose to our (I know MN hate this phrase but I'm going to use it anyway) little family (DD was a toddler when we got married). I love being married to DH, but I can't really explain why.

We didn't get engaged (so no engagement ring), we had a small casual wedding and DH never wears his ring, I wore mine sporadically though wear far more often my eternity ring he bought me for our 5 anniversary.

I agree it's a tradition rooted in the patriarchy but I can be a feminist whilst knowing that not all my decisions (I changed my name on both marriages) are feminist ones.

Would I encourage DD to marry, as and when the time came? I don't know, I agree with pps that love is an ingredient but not the only one and that work/financial independence are more important.

My wife and I got married because we wanted to.

Additionally, we love each other, we wanted to share that with people who mean something to us, and we wanted all of the legal stuff to be in place.

We also could not care less what other people do. We did what was right for us.

Honestly? People that try and promote their own opinions on this stuff above everyone else strike me as a bit insecure/bitter/deliberately obtuse.

So you don't like the thing of changing surname? Then don't. It's not rocket science. But don't make assumptions (groundless) about my wife because she did, and because she loves her rings.

We got married because I needed a visa to be with dh and we were really in love and could not face separation. Secondly if we had not done that, we would have got married before having kids to protect me financially. I wear a ring because it is symbolic of the love I share with dh who means the world to me. I don't feel owned, dominated, down trodden etc. I didn't change my surname - I didn't want to, dh didn't want me to, I am not a Mrs. Dh and I got married alone - it was an incredibly intimate affair - I still feel that way - our marriage is about us and our love for each other.
Every relationship is different, everyone's experience is different.

I wish I could travel back in time and point that out to myself prior to having children. I will be advising my DD not to even consider starting a family unless her significant other is prepared to marry first. Absolutely this - having a child is a lifelong commitment, you can't divorce a child - if your partner does not want to get married but wants to have kids, I'd be very wary.

I’ve been with the man who is now my husband since my student days, but never had the slightest interest in marrying him — to me, marriage is a tiresome anachronism in terms of the way it’s pushed on women as the ultimate sign of their value, it has an appalling weight of misogynistic historical baggage, and I’ve always thought the kind of women who grew up dreaming of their Big Day and white dresses are reactionary ninnies.

We did end up getting married, in a ringless plainclothes quickie with no guests, after more than 20 years together, for a pressing practical reason — but it hasn’t changed anything. We continue happy, and I imagine lots of people in our lives have no idea we’re married.

"marriage is a tiresome anachronism in terms of the way it’s pushed on women as the ultimate sign of their value, it has an appalling weight of misogynistic historical baggage,"

Historically, yes, but I think that people who think that this is what marriage represents in the 21st century are overthinking it. OH and I got married because marriage means something to us. I didn't want an engagement ring, and I don't understand why some womene attach so much significance to something that can be, IMO, and unnecessary expense.

I think I remember saying to DH, when we talked about getting married, that I wanted a new cooker rather than an engagement ring

I agree with nornironrock that people who are vociferously anti marriage come across as sour grapes.

Love is the only reason I would get married.

@ Parthenope What are reactionary ninnies

Parthenope but that's about weddings, not marriage.

I agree that it would be better to focus on being married rather than getting married.