Is love a reason to get married?

[dolliebauble]

I am feeling like getting married was a strange thing for a 21st century woman living in the developed world to do. The reason is, (weddings aside) there doesn't seem to be any point. Why did I want do it? I would have said years ago because I want to be connected together in that way... But the more I think about it , it was to do with giving myself more value if he wanted to marry me. How bad is that!!

I've stopped wearing my wedding ring (DH never wanted one) because they seem elitist and a status symbol that I feel I should be rejecting to be able to call myself egalitarian.

Historically, yes, but I think that people who think that this is what marriage represents in the 21st century are overthinking it.

I wish it was that far in the past. In my home country the 'marriage bar' certain types of job, notably in the civil service, automatically terminating women's employment on their marriage existed into my lifetime.

I agree with nornironrock that people who are vociferously anti marriage come across as sour grapes

I think that's underthinking equivalent to saying that people who are anti-monarchy are 'jealous' of other people's privilege, rather than making a principled stand against an institution, as though it's not possible to criticise something on the grounds of anything other than personal experience. For what it's worth, I'm deeply happy with my husband, but that happiness long predated my marriage to him, which only happened more than two decades into our relationship marriage has never made me unhappy.

To an extent, yes, RiverTam, but it's also indicative of a lack of aspiration and self-value, if you grow up thinking of getting a ring on your finger as the ultimate pinnacle of your life.

I'm also thinking of the appallingly frequent posts on the relationships forum on here where a woman who has committed to a man to the tune of longterm cohabitation and several children, but is tiptoeing about hoping that he'll Pop the Question, if she doesn't 'spoil things' by, I don't know, doing something adult like proposing they legalise their relationship by marrying. The confusion between the anachronistic 'romance' of the proposal and the wedding etc and it is anachronistic if you've been living together for ten years and have two children seems to me to be damagingly mixed up, still, with the legal protection that marriage affords to women who are still more liable to be economically vulnerable after they have children.

Yes I think so. I never thought of getting married until I fell in love with someone who it turned out did want to get married. And actually i really enjoyed the day and like being married... now I've had children and am a SAHM and we are buying a house which will be in his name due to the mortgage.. it actually is beneficial to me that i agreed to marry him as it protects me legally.
I thought I'd be frightened and stressed about marrying someone but on the day I felt so calm because I love and trust him. I also feel like strangely its helped our relationship because we know we cant just walk away with no hassle... so that's not even in your mind really when things get tough, it's like we've both promised each other we will make the effort to keep things going. It works both ways as well, we have publicly made a declaration that we will stand by each other and tbh for me it's a massive weight off my mind. Theres no big question about our future. I know he was committed to this enough to marry me and vice versa.
I mean I dont think everyone should get married or anything, different people have different needs. But for us it works and I'm glad we did it.

I suppose for most women, it is to gain legal protection before they have children. Or maybe because they are romantic and want the fairytale.

I’ve always earned enough that I don’t need support like that, so I’ve chosen not to marry. But I don’t see it as affecting my “value” - up or down.

I won’t even consider marriage now until ds has left home because to marry now would be to jeopardise our home, and I don’t believe I have the right to do that.

Legally marriage affords legal protections that are costly and complicated to put in place otherwise. It’s the legal/financial commitment that is important. If a partner isn’t willing to make that commitment I would seriously question the wisdom of taking any risks with my financial future, either in terms of home ownership, procreation or the career implications of relocation.

Socially marriage helps to establish boundaries and expectations.

Would I marry without love? In this society, absolutely not. If marriage were more permanent, and the responsibilities of men to their children were a high priority in society, I might consider other factors as important or more important than love. Love (and I don’t think I understood what love was before I met dh, because I’m not talking about lust/romance/affection) is a very powerful force.

Would I trust that love is enough, and not get married? Er no.

A ring can be pawned. It’s sensible for a couple starting out to set aside a long term investment against hard times. Whether you choose to view it as a status symbol, a symbol of submission, a symbol of ownership or a romantic gesture, underneath that construct is a piece of metal and a rare mineral that is a decent insurance policy against the future.

I think historically women risked more in marriage than men (in some cultures a brides first task was to weave her funeral shroud so that if she died in childbirth within the year she wouldn’t inconvenience anyone). Access to better healthcare and control over fertility choices has evened the playing field a bit. But women are still more likely to be significantly impoverished if a marriage ends than men, and for their careers and earnings to be impacted by maternity. Knowing that, I have absolutely no compunction in accepting and wearing a decent piece of jewellery.

Women are the equal of men in principal but we are a long way from achieving social equality.

I’d happily accept stocks, shares or gold bullion in lieu of a diamond ring.