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My son is very cheeky to Judo Sensei every week, what can I do.

86 replies

StayAtHomeDadEC · 16/01/2019 08:45

My son loves Judo, he does it at home, he remembers the techniques, he never missuses it and he was brave enough to stop a boy bullying another boy in an incident at school, largely because of his judo.

My only quandry is what to do about the fact that he is very cheeky and messes about at training. He is 8 and throughout training he is normally grinning like a Cheshire cat, that in itself is fine and I'm happy that he's so happy. The problem is that when sensei speaks, my son talks over him, adds his own cheeky comments and gives some silly answers. Sensei is a volunteer who does tuition for free and he spends half the lesson dealing with my son and 1 other student. The strange thing is that my son is also able to give the Japanese names for most techniques and to demonstrate them so he is bright enough to do very well. Once he has learned a technique, which he often does quickly, he then mucks about, falls over for no reason making fake fainting noises, rolls around being silly instead of getting up to practice again, he wastes half his training time. The other judo students get annoyed and the better ones try to avoid him at all costs and can be seen sighing when asked to pair with him.

My question is, without threatening to stop taking him, what can I say or do to make him show an interest, show some respect and do his best judo? He is 8 and responds well to reward systems (but this has failed as judo is an hour so he forgets about the reward). He is almost completely unable to listed to a lecture and I have done social stories with him on judo (he's high functioning autistic).

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 16/01/2019 23:44

Op does your son have a support worker at school? Could you find out what strategies they use? He might find visual ques better than verbal, if you don't think cards would work maybe hand signal. Do you think your son would respond better in a different class with a more strict teacher? It might be difficult for your son if the teacher isn't pulling him up on his behaviour every time. Could you, your son and the teacher sit down and talk about it together and find a solution. The teacher could ask for your son's help as he knows he loves the class, but it's not fair to the other children, and you need to find a solution together, or he can't be in the class. This would be a nice conversation not a telling off one, then make a plan together maybe one warning then a time out, if it happens again another warning then that's it for the day. Make sure the teacher knows it's important to put a stop immediately to the behaviour, and be consistent.

StayAtHomeDadEC · 17/01/2019 08:11

UPDATE...

Thanks to everyone for their feedback. Sensei has explained he was being lenient for a number of reasons. I have explained my view that it's kind of him to try to be so understanding but ultimately we have agreed a strategy to both be a little stricter. My son won't benefit from being allowed to be the disruptive child that the other children don't like. For his part, sensei will give out his usual punishment of exclusion.

I spoke gently with my son and as predicted he ran away, changed, the subject, avoided eye contact etc. I very calmly explained that I won't take him to judo until we have understood the problem together and agreed how to improve his behaviour.

This worked and my son came back and he was all ears. He did agree that he was good in many ways, turning up, obeying dojo etiquette, learning Japanese terms, only using judo if appropriate (which he has been extremely good at) etc. We spoke about his other behaviour and he agreed the silly questions and silly answers will stop immediately. As one earlier poster pointed out, he was however genuinely surprised when I explained the other children are annoyed when he is rolling about after being thrown. He says they don't look annoyed. This was the only thing he didn't agree with me on and this is his autism, he simply would never realise how another person would feel about his behaviour. I very gently explained to him that the other students are working hard and that when he stands up and practices with them, that's when they get _their chance to practice and that's when they'll be happy and want to train with him. He was wide eyed at this revelation!

So the cheek, he understood was wrong and we'd simply let it go on for too long. Not training well was something he had thought was his loss, i.e. up to him. He actually needed an explanation as autistic child would I suppose about how others would feel annoyed about that.

We then produced a list of 5 specific behaviours he must be good at and he agreed I will remind him before training. I will do this by writing up his discussion as a social story.

I will post an update tomorrow morning after training. I am confident it will go extremely well tomorrow and the acid test will be in 2 or 3 weeks' time. I'm sure he'll just need a few reminders.

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 17/01/2019 08:12

That’s great to hear! 👍

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StayAtHomeDadEC · 17/01/2019 08:29

XmasPostmanBos

Punish is not the right word. My son is capable of improved behaviour, he does go to a mainstream school and in a classroom, following instructions, he doesn't seem autistic. His teachers originally didn't agree with me on his autism. This should be exactly like judo training. Where he looks autistic is during free play times and this is not the situation at judo.

If we can encourage him to not be silly and to do his best (I have seen him achieve this) then he'll be more liked. He will then notice other children don't avoid him. Ultimately I am being kind to him.

snitzelvoncrumb

My son has moved class twice and I am reluctant to move him again. Every time he gets a few tabs, he has been moved. This is the best class he's been in so far and he is achieving results. In my judgement, he simply needs encouragement. At school they do social stories with him and that's what I'm doing now. I am just keen to help my son see the issue and to try his best which he is able to do. He will respond to this I'm sure. The lesson belongs to sensei, is all I'm saying, it's not a team effort with parents having various systems and sensei having his systems and the children being confused by the two systems. It's simple, act up and you're off, keep acting up and you miss out. We've done the social story so it is fair on my son, he doesn now know what constitutes acting up and he is entirely capable of improving, I've seen him do it regularly before.

OP posts:
StayAtHomeDadEC · 17/01/2019 09:46

BertrandRussell

"Op- you said in your first post that the sensei spends half the lesson dealing with your ds and one other boy and the other kids are getting annoyed. But you seem now to be saying that it’s not that bad and the sensei is managing it well. Which is it?"

I suppose I exaggerated, it's not half the lesson. It's probably more accurate to say that during the worst lessons, I have seen, half of the demonstrations have 1 or more disruptions, like a child asking a silly question to try to be funny, giving a silly answer to a sensible question, a child having to be told to watch or at worst, a child distracting others by talking or pushing etc. These are normally dealt with by a quick response. Going by time, no it's not half the lesson, I was perhaps exaggerating or perhaps it's just a turn of phrase I used to using. 50% of disruptions are caused by my son.

In a good lesson, he works well and listens well for the entire lesson but ultimately fails to take on board the finer points of the instruction. This is ok, given his age and autism and I won't punish that but I will try to teach the benefits of the finer points as he is very good when he gets it.

Between my son and 1 other boy they have probably caused sensei to ask fewer questions and disrupted the lessons subtly. My son is my only concern and helping him is now what I'm focused on. The other boy can stand out if he wants to but I suspect he will not want to be the only one who ever gets excluded, he has improved a bit recently and my aim is that when he makes a beeline for my son to start having a carry on, he'll get the cold shoulder.

OP posts:
BlankTimes · 17/01/2019 16:51

Brilliant Update OP, that should work well for everyone, Flowers

StayAtHomeDadEC · 18/01/2019 09:19

UPDATE AFTER TRAINING...

Training went very well, as expected, this week was perfect. My son showed all the interest he has shown in training sessions just before a grading. Everything discussed earlier has improved. Some of the other students even spoke to him afterwards, I don't know what they said but it his never happened before. they have always avoided him, probably as they have felt peeved about his time wasting and now they have enough respect to chat to chat to him.

I was always confident this week would be good after our conversation and his commitment, I'll try to remember to post again next week...

Thanks folks.

OP posts:
FadedRed · 18/01/2019 13:15

Excellent, Op, what a good start.

StayAtHomeDadEC · 23/01/2019 14:13

UPDATE AFTER WEEK 2

Week 2 and my son is working hard and listening well and giving sensible answers to questions. Other students smile when paired with him and often choose him as a training partner. He is no longer the last one to be picked so his training partners are often the better students that he can now learn from.

I understand earlier comments that expecting an autistic child to fit in is like asking a person with physical disability to do something they can't. In the case of my son, he responds well in a structured social environment so if you want a physical analogy, it's like asking someone with mild asthma to walk half a mile to school when the air is clean and pollen is low. They might not be the fastest sprinter in their school but the walk will keep them fitter than they would be otherwise.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/01/2019 14:27

Woohoo that's great, I'm a believer in enabling our DC to fit in/cope with "real life" as much as possible by giving them the tools and skills they need.

It isn't "fair" but it helps with making progress out there in every day life.

Has your DS made the connection between him behaving in the way you have asked him to and the others wanting to partner with him?

BlankTimes · 24/01/2019 11:31

Brilliant news, long may it continue, well done to you and your DS Smile

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