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Found DHs online porn stash - WWYD?

88 replies

FairfaxAikman · 15/01/2019 09:54

Turns out DH has an enormous online porn bookmarks list. AIBU to be hurt?

We had DS nine months ago and haven't had much sex as I'm either knackered or it hurts me (emergency section with some complications) and I can't face it again for ages after.

OP posts:
GunpowderGelatine · 15/01/2019 20:06

Well if you aren't having sex then he is taking care of himself, which is a good thing surely as he isn't pressuring you?

Of all the depressing things I've ever read on MN this has to be in at least the top 3.
"Even though you've recently had major surgery that is painful for you, be glad you're not getting sexually harassed, and instead he's contributing to the degradation of other women. Lucky you" Hmm

GunpowderGelatine · 15/01/2019 20:09

The biggest turn on for me is having dh help me round the house and with the dc’s

This also has to be in my top 3 depressing things. Husband cleans his own house and looks after own kids - phwoooar 🙄 it's utterly utterly depressing how low standards some women have been conditioned to have

MummytoCSJH · 15/01/2019 20:15

Threads like these I see a lot and I do wonder why people have a problem with it. Lots of people including women watch porn. I watch porn and I'm not ashamed to admit it. It's not real and I don't understand why people compare it to cheating and make a massive deal out of it really.

Frosty66611 · 15/01/2019 20:18

Doesn’t bother me if my DP watches porn occasionally. I wouldn’t want to see the specific stuff he looks at though. Out of sight out of mind

GunpowderGelatine · 15/01/2019 20:18

Lots of people including women watch porn.

This doesn't negate the fact that porn is deeply damaging to people who watch it, women who partake, many of whom are trafficked

It's not real

Of course it's real! And ex porn stars have the prolapsed colons to prove it

drspouse · 15/01/2019 20:19

It's not real
While erotic fiction, pornographic cartoons and naughty Renaissance art are not real, real people are filmed in video porn and all porn has an effect on the people who watch it.

GunpowderGelatine · 15/01/2019 20:19

For those saying they don't mind pre-recorded porn it would draw the line at the live stuff - why? I don't understand what makes one 'ok' and not the other?

SlowlyShrinking · 15/01/2019 20:21

It's not real and I don't understand why people compare it to cheating and make a massive deal out of it really

It might be because they have some empathy for the suffering of the people who take part in it, and how their lives and bodies are affected? Just a thought. Because they are actually real people, you do realise that don’t you?!
Personally I don’t like having a wank while watching images of abuse, I admit this may make me unusual in today’s society though

MummytoCSJH · 15/01/2019 20:22

What I meant by it's not real was that its not as if he's having sex with somebody else, not that the videos aren't real, obviously. I haven't seen any of the live stuff so unsure if it's interactive etc which is slightly different bug its up to my partner what he chooses to watch.

GunpowderGelatine · 15/01/2019 20:25

I think some of the attitudes on here in relation to being fine with women basically being used as sex dolls shows how far we have to go for women's rights. Those whose husbands use porn seem to have no issue with the way women are treated, and think anyone who has a problem must be jealous but don't worry, it's not your Nigel damaging her insides, it's some other bloke and he's just an innocent bystander.

I find it quite alarming really

NotUmbongoUnchained · 15/01/2019 20:26

Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest.

MummytoCSJH · 15/01/2019 20:27

I don't buy that all porn is abusive or trafficking or whatever it is you're saying, I just don't. It is equally as terrible to dismiss that some people choose to do sex work as a job, and you shouldn't be trying to stop them 🙄 Just wanted to add that it isn't a big deal for some of us, if it is for the OP then we aren't to tell her it shouldn't be, she should discuss that with her partner. I bet that her issue with it definitely isn't that it could be any of those things or that the actors are troubled or that her partner could be damaged by it, ffs. Many see it as equivalent to cheating which as I said before, isn't comparable.

Rodenhide · 15/01/2019 20:56

DP watching porn doesn't bother me, though it would if it was some really violent, twisted stuff. As far as I know, what he watches is fairly vanilla and it isn't frequent (we both have busy lives).
Pretty much all men in this country will have viewed porn at some point but I think it's a bit stupid to say that ALL men watch it regularly.
I've watched it, I don't get much from it.
Like pp, I don't buy that all porn stars have been trafficked and abused. I doubt it's anyone's first choice of career but some people could do to recognise that many do it of their own free will. I'm not saying it's sunshine and rainbows, but there aren't any absolutes in any job.

GunpowderGelatine · 15/01/2019 21:41

@MummytoCSJH no one has said that ALL porn involves trafficked or abused women. However what we do know is that it's rife enough to be a major concern. It's rife enough that, if you watch any given porn video, you have no way of knowing that the woman in it isn't trafficked, underaged, has fully given consent for every act or is fully aware of what she is doing - and given the levels of trafficking and abuse in the second work industry it's very likely she is any of the above.

But sadly the uncomfortable truth is that society puts the "needs" of penises and men's right to wank over the welfare of women. To the point where women in porn are barely regarded as human beings.

GunpowderGelatine · 15/01/2019 21:42

*sex work not second work

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 15/01/2019 21:43

Wouldn’t bother me. I think it’s quite normal.

Morgan12 · 15/01/2019 21:45

I don't care if my husband watches porn at all. I know he does. I do too.

So do 99.9% of men. But I'm sure your DP isn't one of them.

Sethis · 15/01/2019 21:54

you have no way of knowing that the woman in it isn't trafficked, underaged, has fully given consent for every act or is fully aware of what she is doing

Uh, you do. Because many porn stars are very well known and have done hundreds of videos. They attend porn conventions and view it as their career. Look at Stormy Daniels as just one widely known example.

Ditto amateur porn. It's generally blindingly obvious which videos are ones of real partners having sex with each other, and which videos are of people being paid to have "amateur" sex with a stranger and being filmed by a camera crew.

Is the porn industry as a whole a great thing? No, not really.

But then neither are a great many other industries, and relatively speaking the shady side of porn is laughably small compared to, say, the international clothing industry, Apple, or other multinational companies and the human damage they deal on a daily basis.

Unless you make all your own clothes, grow your own food, and live in a house you built by yourself in the forest, you're probably engaged in giving money to companies that directly cause harm to the planet and the people in it. The only question is which companies you happen to use, versus companies that you don't, and that's a combination of personal choice and random chance. After all, it's a fair bet that your pension company may well be investing in weapons manufacturing that's busy wiping out whole swathes of the Middle East and Africa so just pick your poison.

GunpowderGelatine · 15/01/2019 22:28

Because many porn stars are very well known and have done hundreds of videos. They attend porn conventions and view it as their career. Look at Stormy Daniels as just one widely known example.

You're absolutely right. A few famous faces means that no porn stars are trafficked 🙄 celebrity ex prob stars have spoken out fairly recently about the abuse they suffered so being famous doesn't mean they're safe.

But then neither are a great many other industries, and relatively speaking the shady side of porn is laughably small compared to, say, the international clothing industry, Apple, or other multinational companies and the human damage they deal on a daily basis

Are you saying we should ignore the problem of Male on female abuse and violence because other industries aren't whiter than white either? Besides you're comparing apples with oranges - trafficking women and children, rape and violence is very different to paying someone minimum wage

Sethis · 15/01/2019 23:14

Oh, hooray, ignoring my actual words in favour of pushing your own agenda. Here we go:

YOU said:

"if you watch any given porn video, you have no way of knowing that the woman in it isn't trafficked"

Correct?

And I responded:

"many porn stars are very well known and have done hundreds of videos. They attend porn conventions and view it as their career."

Which is a direct rebuttal of what you said.

If I go onto pornhub and I do a search for Asa Akira, Sasha Grey, or any number of hundreds of other women, I do, in fact, know without doubt that the person on the screen is over the legal age, not trafficked, and is doing it of their own free will, and has been for years. I am able to be certain of that information.

Yes, of course if I watched sketchy Russian porn filmed with a dead eyed model on the floor of an apartment, I could be pretty sure that she's been coerced into it, or trafficked, or whatever else. Which is why I don't watch porn like that, ever, and I recommend nobody else does either.

On the other hand I have no problem with professionals doing a job of their own free will, or people who are obviously couples.

Secondly:

YOU say:

"Are you saying we should ignore the problem of Male on female abuse and violence because other industries aren't whiter than white either? Besides you're comparing apples with oranges - trafficking women and children, rape and violence is very different to paying someone minimum wage."

Firstly, not all porn is male and female. Women watch porn, as do gay men, as do lesbians. If you don't know that, you really don't know enough to be passing judgement. Not all porn is manufactured for the male gaze. Understandably if you never actually bother to do any research of your own, or watch any porn yourself, you might not understand that.

Secondly, not all porn is abusive. Certainly most isn't rape. Again, I can only imagine you have no idea what you're talking about if you equate rape and porn. I suggest you talk to a porn star in person before deciding that you know better than they do whether they've been raped or not. Contact them on twitter, for example.

Thirdly, you obviously know NOTHING about business practices in the developing world if you think "paying someone minimum wage" is the worst thing that Apple or fashion brands are doing. Do yourself a favour and google some of it.

So on one hand, you've got a porn producer who pays a woman $500 to have sex with someone she doesn't have an emotional connection with.

On the other hand, you've got a multinational company paying thousands of people one dollar per day for 18 hours of backbreaking, nerve-wracking, dangerous and ultimately lethal work in sweatshops, factories and chemical plants.

No, you're right, obviously porn is worse than that.

And point out to me where I said you should ignore problems? Because I didn't. I simply said that some problems are bigger than others, and it's pretty much impossible to exist without contributing to them in one way or another. If you're going to get preachy about morality, then doesn't it make sense to turn your ire on the biggest problems first?

Frosty66611 · 16/01/2019 08:57

@sethis totally agree with everything you just wrote

icannotremember · 16/01/2019 09:38

Hear hear sethis

OrchidInTheSun · 16/01/2019 23:13

Horrendous consequence of current porn trends www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3481254-horrendous-consequence-of-current-porn-trends

Required reading for the pro-porn crew

Namenic · 16/01/2019 23:54

Different people have different boundaries. OP - if it’s not ok with you, you need to discuss it with DH.

Maybe you’d be happier if he was looking at pictures of you rather than random other girls. Maybe you’d rather he didn’t wank at all. Hopefully he will also be able to open up about what he likes/feels he needs. It’s about communication.

I would not be ok with porn, but hopefully the people who do use it, do so responsibly (as detailed above). Perhaps we should campaign for tighter regulations on it like we do for child pornography (ie certification of consensual porn and prosecution of those watching non-certified stuff)?

Namenic · 17/01/2019 00:11

Ps - I wasn’t saying that child porn is EVER consensual. I was just trying to say that we have strict rules about it and maybe we should be more strict with adult stuff

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