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Original poster

Found DHs online porn stash - WWYD?

88 replies

FairfaxAikman · 15/01/2019 09:54

Turns out DH has an enormous online porn bookmarks list. AIBU to be hurt?

We had DS nine months ago and haven't had much sex as I'm either knackered or it hurts me (emergency section with some complications) and I can't face it again for ages after.

OP posts:
Tempname92 · 15/01/2019 13:19

These threads seem to come up all the times. I think some women are a bit blind about the fact their OH watches porn. The vast majority of men do! Nobody can categorically say their husband doesn’t watch it because the truth is they likely hide it (private browsing, clearing search history, hidden folders etc). You are highly unlikely to find a man who doesn’t or hasn’t. I’m not saying it’s right, just that it’s typical behavior. Whether or not you are okay with it is entirely up to you but most men watch porn. Those who say they don’t just don’t want to upset their wives Wink

Fashionista101 · 15/01/2019 13:22

That's a fair point actually, it does depend on the content. And if it's live, paying for it and interacting then yes, that would be crossing the line for me.

Ribbonsonabox · 15/01/2019 13:27

The live sex show site would bother me.

Grumpasaurus · 15/01/2019 13:28

Porn doesn't bother me, it's okay as long as it's not the super hard core illegal stuff. I watch it occasionally too. Sometimes I am not into it and sometimes I really enjoy it; it depends on my mood. I suspect DH is the same. Live porn wouldn't bother me (it's the same thing really!!) but any sort of interaction (online, web cam, phone, forums) would be an absolutely and total deal breaker for me.

dangermouseisace · 15/01/2019 13:33

I’d be disgusted. There’s a nice short article about porn and a couple of the reasons it’s toxic here

Does your H know those women are likely to have been trafficked? Does he care about the fact their bodies will be destroyed?

Porn these days is so violent, and so horrendous. It’s not like dirty mags when we were kids, it is sickening.

drspouse · 15/01/2019 13:33

am I the only woman in the world who has a problem with porn???????

No, you aren't, this would be a total deal breaker for me.
Grownups don't "expect" sex from their partners nor do they "pester" them which is deeply unattractive and they also don't expect that other adults are there for their gratification.
Cave paintings = images drawn from the artist's imagination.
Real women = not the same thing.

OrchidInTheSun · 15/01/2019 13:37

And a lot of decent men think it's revolting and exploitative and have a lot more respect for women than to watch it Tempname.

But as we all know, a lot of women set the bar for their male partner's behaviour shockingly low - as evidenced quite clearly on this thread.

icannotremember · 15/01/2019 13:42

Cave paintings = images drawn from the artist's imagination.

Your evidence for that being what, exactly? You weren't there when they were painted, you didn't paint them, you can't make any firm declarations about the content or context.

I mentioned the 28,000 year old erotic art to make the point that the pp who stated "an imagination you see, that magical thing humans replied on for millennia before cameras were invented" wasn't accurate.

Morgan12 · 15/01/2019 13:48

These threads make me chuckle when the claims of 'my DP doesn't watch it' come up.

He does.

Morgan12 · 15/01/2019 13:50

Oh sorry OP, meant to say that it doesn't bother me. But if it bothers you then just talk to him about it but I really doubt he will stop watching it. The live show I don't really know much about what that entails so can't comment on that.

NineInchSnail · 15/01/2019 13:53

I've had the same situation with H recently. I went absolutely mental at him. TBH I have no idea whether he stopped or just makes more effort to hide it better.

But it doesn't really matter what any of us would do. What do YOU want to do? Is this something you can live with or is it a deal breaker for you?
Does your objection come from feeling that he has been unfaithful or is it mite to do with the treatment of women in the sex industry? Can you talk to him about your concerns? Would you be willing to give, and if necessary follow through on, an ultimatum?

Alanamackree · 15/01/2019 14:15

Is the issue with him viewing porn or masturbating? Would you prefer him to bring his desires to you (there are other ways beside to penetration to be sexual together)?
If the issue is porn, is it the unfaithful aspect or the degradation of women generally, or something else?
Or is it about secrecy and lack of trust between you?
There’s no judgement in these questions. But it may help to clarify what the issues are before you talk.

Expecting him not to have desires except to your schedule is a bit unreasonable

drspouse · 15/01/2019 14:18

These threads make me chuckle when the claims of 'my DP doesn't watch it' come up.

He does.

Does he? How, and where, and when, please?
While he's with me watching TV in the evenings? Is that really porn not football scores on the phone he's looking at?
On the train on the way to work? Possible I suppose but as he's terminally embarrassed, seems unlikely.
In the middle of the night? But magically not if I wake up as well?
When he's at home with the DCs who can't keep still for more than a minute?

Your evidence for that being what, exactly? You weren't there when they were painted, you didn't paint them, you can't make any firm declarations about the content or context.
Well, an image of a couple having sex painted in ochre on a cave wall could be
a) drawn from life or
b) drawn from the artist's imagination.
How likely are a couple to be able to hold that position while the artist draws it, do you think?

BeTheHokeyMan · 15/01/2019 14:24

You decide what is and isn't acceptable in your relationship op.When it comes to threads about porn you will always get wildly differing opinions which can be confusing and leave you doubting your own feelings on the matter .If it upsets you tell him Flowers

HJWT · 15/01/2019 14:24

My DH doesn't watch porn buy if he did i wouldn't be bothered by it especially if we wasn't having sex often

Nesssie · 15/01/2019 15:04

Doesn't bother me, and I watch it too. However as pp said if it's live, paying for it and interacting then yes, that would be crossing the line for me.

Omzlas · 15/01/2019 15:14

Stash wouldn't bother me but live would, that's a whole other kettle of vagene IMO

Speak to him about it?

fantasmasgoria1 · 15/01/2019 15:16

It would be a deal breaker. My first husband used to watch it and psychologically abused me in relation to it so for me it is definitely something I can't tolerate. My fiance knows this and fortunately isn't interested in it. He hasn't opened his laptop on over a year and the nature of job means he wouldn't be able to look at work, the rest of the time he is with me.

EnidButton · 15/01/2019 16:29

God some women's standards for men are so low. I honestly feel really sorry for them. You can't argue with stupid though so 🤷🏻‍♀️

zippey · 15/01/2019 18:17

I find it a bit controlling to tell other adults what they can or cannot watch. It’s a red flag.

U2HasTheEdge · 15/01/2019 19:25

I find it a bit controlling to tell other adults what they can or cannot watch. It’s a red flag.

It is not controlling to have boundaries in your marriage.

My husband is free to watch porn if he likes. He just can't stay married to me at the same time. He was free not to marry me if he didn't like it. We all have boundaries in our marriage. We all have deal breakers in our relationships.

U2HasTheEdge · 15/01/2019 19:31

These threads make me chuckle when the claims of 'my DP doesn't watch it' come up.*

He does.

And you know that, how? I think that women who believe that all men watch porn , have to tell themselves that, so they feel better about their husband watching porn. It must be the only reason why some can't accept that not all men watch it.

GunpowderGelatine · 15/01/2019 19:37

Oh My God, am I the only woman in the world who has a problem with porn?????

Nope, and I would refuse to date a man if he watched it. I wouldn't care if that whittled my option down to 0 men, it's a deal breaker. Not that I'm single - I'm married and DH does not watch porn

Not because I'm "jealous" or anything but porn these days is exploitative, immensely degrading to women, does not consider their welfare and warps sex into something that is painful for women and purely serves the purpose to appease men's weird fetishes. There's too much trafficking to know that what you're watching is consensual.

ShowOfHands · 15/01/2019 20:03

My DH does not watch porn. I'm sorry if you've been conditioned to think it's inevitable.

drspouse · 15/01/2019 20:06

Yes I do feel a bit sad for women who think the choice is a man who gets his kicks watching exploited women, or no man. Same as those who think the choice is a man who abuses them, or no man.
Mind you, it's a fairly easy choice really, even if that was true.

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