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Work situation with two colleagues. Advice, or thoughts appreciated.

56 replies

BreadstickswithHummus · 13/01/2019 15:14

I’m going through a situation at work with two colleagues, A and B. If I describe the situation to you, please will you be honest and say what you think is going on? any advice appreciated.

So as not to dripfeed, I work in a busy outpatient dept as a receptionist. I’ve done it a while now, so I have developed a routine where at the end of the day, the staff have what they need, and my work is complete.

Colleague A is a favourite in the dept, very loud and opinionated. She works mostly in the same department/room as me, but doesn’t do the same job. This doesnt stop her from interfering in mine. I don’t work there every day (thankfully) so the dept is covered by other people on my time off.

When I return from my time off, Colleague A always has to remark that things are done differently by the other colleagues who cover my day off “Gail does it this way/ that way etc, just thought I’d mention it”. With a smirk on her face. I reply with “well, until somebody tells me I’m doing it wrong, then I’ll worry”, which sounds brave, but I’m dying inside.

She always has to comment on my weight, or appearance.
Talks over me, and interupts conversations between me and other colleagues. If we end up in the same room alone, she goes silent, then an atmosphere develops. I can feel her eyes boring into the back of my head. It’s awful.

Colleague B. Another favourite. Works in an office in the same dept, different job than me, higher wage band. Always has a family emergency so rushes off at a moments notice, mobile phone attached to her ear constantly, and always shouting/hot tempered.

If I’m having a conversation with someone, she has to join in. She then pushes me out of that particular conversation, and carries it on with the other person, as if I wasn’t there.

Also, If I had to choose between two things, she always ALWAYS takes great pains to dislike what I’ve chosen, preferring the opposite. Fine, I get everybody has differing opinions, but it’s every single time, and always in a loud voice so everyone can hear. Plus, well, anything I do, really. “Oh, I’d have done this, I’d have done that”.
She has never really liked me from the beginning and always tried to undermine my work. When I was training other colleagues to provide cover for the dept, she told them I was doing it wrong.

Most of the time I roll my eyes at her, but lately, she is ramping up trouble. She has started asking me to help her do her job. I decline (very nicely) every time, due to the reasons mentioned above, and her being on a higher pay band and a different job, makes it a bit difficult.

When I decline, she then gets other staff involved, asking them to ask me to help her. Then it’s them against me, saying I’m not being helpful ☹️.

Again, it’s awful. I get my work done, I make sure everything is where it should be so they don’t have to ask for anything. That’s as helpful as I can be, plus any ideas that I’ve put across to help the dept in meetings, well, its just crap that I’m seen as being unhelpful.

Another thing: colleague A and B are friends, so I think they’re both in this together.

I’m sorry for the long post. Any advice, and opinions on what you think is going on would be very appreciated. I have two years left before I can hand my notice in due to pension reasons, but Im not sure if I can stand it any longer xxxx

OP posts:
Parthenope · 13/01/2019 15:20

What is the relationship between your jobs? Are they senior to you? If they are not your line managers, I would talk to your line manager and establish that you are being professional, but that colleague B is creating an unprofessional atmosphere and needs extra training to do her job. Just tell A you haven’t the slightest interest in how Gail does things. And consider an assertiveness course.

mytieisascarf · 13/01/2019 15:33

Write down any incidents of overt bullying i.e. comments on your weight or appearance and send them to your line manager, their line manager and HR.
Any criticisms of your work, tell them to take it up with your line manager (who i assume is happy with your work).
Don't interact with them except for work. Do not share your opinions or preferences. If they try to engage you, smile and say " thanks I'd love to chat but got to finish this".

Interruptions- depends on the context. In general, turn to the person you were having the original conversation with and say " I'm sorry we were interrupted, as I was saying...." and carry on.

Do not be tempted to find an ally to bitch with. It may come back and bite you. Do keep everything professional, transparent, perfunctory and official. They will either realise you are not a push over and get bored, or they will ramp it up at which point you have grounds for a bullying disciplinary. In fact email HR just now and ask them to send you any policies they have in relation to bullying so that you know proper procedure just in case.

Good luck and don't let them get you down. It's not you...it's them.

BreadstickswithHummus · 13/01/2019 16:12

Colleague A is a Support worker band 3, Colleague B admin assistant band 3, not managerial. I’m band 2 admin and clerical.

Their manager is unhappy with them both for other reasons. She has mentioned to everybody that colleague B keeps making errors, but won’t do anything (they’ve been there years, they’re favourites and will cause problems etc etc). I think she’s scared of them.

I have yet to mention to her that colleague B has started asking me to help. She only started asking when their manager went on annual leave.

I think I will contact HR about the bullying procedures, thank you.
I’ll keep my head down, and write down anything about my appearance and weight. I don’t interact much with colleague B, she just bursts in with her opinions/put downs even if not asked, or part of the conversation.
As for Gail, I have no interest in how she does her job, but we get on great anyway when I see her, and have a good laugh 😂.

OP posts:

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BreadstickswithHummus · 13/01/2019 16:25

Any criticisms of your work, tell them to take it up with your line manager (who i assume is happy with your work).Yes, I will, and yes she is 🙂.

I think I did say a couple of times to colleague A that until the line manager tells me I’m doing it wrong, I’ll carry on thanks.
The annoying thing is, when everybody is present she makes a big deal of saying how good I am at my job. Very clever.
@Parthenope. That was supposed to be lighthearted about Gail btw, I wasn’t mocking how you worded it 🙂.

OP posts:
HolyMountain · 13/01/2019 16:35

Who are they favourites with? Do you mean they’re popular amongst your other colleagues.

BreadstickswithHummus · 13/01/2019 16:53

@Holymountain, they are favourites with the manager (the one I mentioned earlier) as they started in the dept at the same time.

They put a good act of friendliness on to everybody else, with compliments along with bringing in food and stuff. They go a bit overboard with it all, to be truthful. Like they need to be seen to be nice.

OP posts:
Parthenope · 13/01/2019 16:57

I knew that. I'm sure Gail is a splendid human being. Grin
mytie's advice is good, I think, and win win -- either they bore off and worry about the size of someone else's ass and tracker mortgage, or they step over the line into outright bullying, in which case you have HR and a procedure to follow.

BreadstickswithHummus · 13/01/2019 17:03

@Parthenope 😄.
Yes @mytieisascarf has given excellent advice, I agree. I will definitely be following it.
Thanks @mytieisascarf, sorry, I forgot to acknowledge you earlier 💐.

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IdblowJonSnow · 13/01/2019 17:07

They sound like unpleasant bullies. Log details and dates and report. I hate shit like this but you can't leave it because they won't stop. I'd be surprised if they actually are people's favourites by the way! My line manager used to be like this with me. It got really bad before there was a big scene and I reported her. Try not to let it get to that point!
If you've had similar issues in other work placed then an assertiveness course could be good as a pp suggested.

BartonHollow · 13/01/2019 17:10

I wish I had genuinely workable advice for you OP, but all I can give you is sympathy Thanks

I'm going through something not too dissimilar myself

Negging about weight and appearance ? - check

Subtle criticisms that on the surface don't seem like criticism to outsiders - but absolutely 100% are - check

After having had this addressed by management, after it had escalated to outright inexcusable bullying; I now deal with constant passive aggressive microaggressions that aren't big enough to complain about but just enough to constantly aggravate such as refusing to ever knock before walking into my office despite being repeatedly encouraged to

The only way out is to move jobs, I'm still working on it. So I understand where you are coming from but have no practical advice, just like school, reporting it doesn't make it go away.

Wordthe · 13/01/2019 17:15

she is trying to dominate and undermine/sabotage you
I would 'grey rock' her
could you even do a bit of role play with someone...practise not getting triggered (ie having an emotional reaction) when she says something, this will make it easier to respond in a way that doesnt 'feed' her in any way

she's had a long time to observe you and learn what buttons to press for maximum effect

BreadstickswithHummus · 13/01/2019 17:15

The thing about the weight and appearance is the way it’s done.

When I’ve had my hair cut over the weekend and arrive at work, colleague A stands and stares at it. “Have you had your hair done?” “Oh.....”. Nothing else, just carries on staring at it.

But when everybody is present and somebody says they like it, suddenly she switches to ‘being nice’ mode and exclaims how much she loves it. Very Clever again.

OP posts:
Wordthe · 13/01/2019 17:16

I would read some of the narcissist stuff, not saying she is one but she has those sorts of traits

Wordthe · 13/01/2019 17:19

“Have you had your hair done?” “Oh.....”
I've experienced this tactic, it's very disconcerting, they way that they pointedly dont say something nice
maybe reply with 'have you had your hair done' and do the same

I know it'd only drive her to further sabotage but it might be funny :o

BreadstickswithHummus · 13/01/2019 17:33

Of course she is @Wordthe, I should have realised.
My mother is a narc but I didn’t see the similarity because of the different roles they have in my life.

The problem is, being as clever as they are, nobody wil believe me.

@BartonHollow, sorry you are going through this too, and thanks for your support 💐.
I’m going to have to rethink staying there for another two years.

OP posts:
Wordthe · 13/01/2019 17:40

well when you say 'clever' OP
Hmm, I dunno, I think there is a lot of 'stupid like a fox' going on with these types....
she just instinctively understands how to manipulate, most of it is done by smell

once you can identify the tactics you can develop a strategy and out maneuver her

Wordthe · 13/01/2019 17:44

if your mother is a narc she may have moulded you into a prey shaped thing, which means others of her kind will tend to spot you
(excuse my melodramatic phrasing!)

BreadstickswithHummus · 13/01/2019 17:44

@Wordthe, I think I might try that tomorrow as I had my hair done yesterday 😂.

Yes, I need to find somebody to do role play with.

I know in my heart that I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong to any of them. But then again, I should know with narcs you don’t have to do anything wrong to receive that kind of treatment, so I have learnt from bitter experience (mother, who I’m no contact with).
I recognise the need for assertiveness.

OP posts:
Wordthe · 13/01/2019 17:44

*molded!

Wordthe · 13/01/2019 17:50

thing is she is right up in your face all the time so that you are constantly triggered/upset/aroused/destabilized and it's very hard for you to calm down and get a grip on the situation
she enjoys it because it makes her feel powerful, controlling you gives her a buzz.
I'm not sure if assertiveness is a best approach, can you shift more to not reacting, treating her as unimportant?

BreadstickswithHummus · 13/01/2019 17:51

@Wordthe prey shaped thing. PMSL. I think I need a full body/mind transplant 😂😂😂😂😂.
Stupid like a fox. I just thought the same thing, only stupid in the right way.

OP posts:
Wordthe · 13/01/2019 17:58

please let me know how you get on with the hair thing, there is someone who does this to me whenever I see her
oh she says, your hair is different.....
I feel really awkward and embarrassed because I nearly say 'thank you' and then I realise there was no compliment
I need to reply with 'yes your hair is different too.....'

BreadstickswithHummus · 13/01/2019 18:01

I’ll try @Wordthe. I might just think of the words prey shaped thing to take my mind off it, do some eagle/vulture noises and start laughing in her face.

I’m laughing now, but I won’t sleep later..

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BreadstickswithHummus · 13/01/2019 18:03

@Wordthe, I’ll let you know 😄

OP posts:
KnittingSister · 13/01/2019 18:14

If someone comments on my hair, I assume a compliment and say thank you. If they haven't said about how good it looks I then go on to say how much I like it. They usually shut up then Grin

You can't beat these two, they're professionals, you should be able to transfer within your health board tho to maintain your pension. Good luck Flowers