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Original poster

Am I a clingy mum?

56 replies

Smil3r · 13/01/2019 07:55

My son, 18, started university in September. I pop over to see him every 2 weeks with his little sister and we have lunch, go to the cinema, visit a museum, etc. We only stay for the afternoon. My husband thinks this is ridiculous. He says I should leave my son alone and that I am smothering him. Needless to say, he hasn't visited our son at all. I miss my son so much, but I don't think a few hours a fortnight is excessively clingy?

OP posts:
Plawmawss · 13/01/2019 07:57

Not clingy at all imo. I’d love if my parents had done and I was very independent when I left.

SitOnMyHouse · 13/01/2019 07:57

It’s pretty ott. I’d have been mortified if my dm turned up for lunch every couple of weeks! None of my mates in halls ever had their mum come and visit as far as I know. If you’re son has asked you to come U can’t see the problem though.

wendz86 · 13/01/2019 07:58

Depends whether your son is happy with it and it’s not stopping him doing things with his mates at uni . No harm if he’s happy with it .

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Whatsnewpussyhat · 13/01/2019 07:58

Depends if your son is happy with the arrangement or not.
I'm inclined to agree with your DH though.

moredoll · 13/01/2019 07:59

Yes, it is a bit clingy. Once a term is plenty unless he specifically invites you.

Harrykanesrightsock · 13/01/2019 08:00

I think an occasional visit is lovely. But setting a routine could be a bit OTT and make it awkward for your son to say anything if he doesn’t want the visits.

RedDwarves · 13/01/2019 08:00

If your son is happy with the arrangement, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Is he happy with this arrangement?

VioletBedframe · 13/01/2019 08:02

It depends on whether your DS is happy with it. If he’s happy no problem. If not then ask him how often is ok to visit. It does sound too often to me but everyone’s different. Ask DS.

MrsJayy · 13/01/2019 08:02

Is your son ok with the visits ? There is nothing wrong with spending time with your teenager it isn't ott if he enjoys your visits.

Notwhoyouthink35 · 13/01/2019 08:03

Not at all. I bet your son enjoys seeing you and his sister and doing something different for a few hours.

SnuggyBuggy · 13/01/2019 08:03

That would have been an unusual arrangement in my day

Miane · 13/01/2019 08:04

Does your DS organise the visits? Or are you the driving force?

seven201 · 13/01/2019 08:05

It depends what your son thinks. I wouldn't have wanted my mum and little sister that often but I guess some might.

DelurkingAJ · 13/01/2019 08:08

My friend’s family tried that and she was mortified. I would have wanted your DS to be too busy making new friends and trying every Uni club under the sun whilstworking his socks off. I assum he’ll be home each holiday? That’s parent time in my book.

Don’t get me wrong...I adored seeing my parents but it was on my terms from 18.

ChikiTIKI · 13/01/2019 08:18

Every family is different. If you all enjoy seeing each other then do it!

petrova · 13/01/2019 08:21

It depends on your son, if he is happy with it , then continue.
But you might want to ask yourself why you are doing it? Is it for him or for you?
If it’s to make yourself feel better at the detriment of him settling down, making new friends, becoming independent , you need to think about the possible negative effects it has on his time to solidify friendships and lead an independent life.
Second terms tend to be where students start to really get to know each other and settle down to living away from home.
As a pp poster asked, have you had a conversation with your son about this? Would he feel comfortable telling you he’s like these visits to stop or become less frequent?
At what point will this stop? Will you do it throughout his 3 years at uni?
It is hard when they leave , but it will happen , and you have to be the grown up and make it as easy as possible for them - obviously if he likes it and wants it to continue , keep doing it!

motortroll · 13/01/2019 08:31

As a mum I'd say ott and he needs to be able to say "not this weekend mum" but looking back on my years at uni, I desperately needed someone to do this for me. Definitely not the best years of my life. I was an independent and capable teenager but everyone underestimated how much I just needed someone adultier for reassuring company from time to time. I went to the other end of the country!!

I think you should just ask your son how he feels about it and call every time you are due to go to make sure he doesn't have something else he'd rather do so he doesn't feel bad about putting you off.

Why doesn't your dh visit with you?

whiteroseredrose · 13/01/2019 08:36

That does seem a bit much. We'll see DS once this term and one set of grandparents will go. He couldn't deal with both going in the same term. He has to build relationships with new friends.

mama1980 · 13/01/2019 08:45

Depends does your son like you coming up, is he happy? If so fine, my dd liked me to pop up a couple of times the first few terms, I only went when she asked specifically.
If your sons happy no problem but if it's because you want to see him ie for your benefit really then YABU sorry.

Dimsumlosesum · 13/01/2019 08:48

It doesn't matter what your husband thinks, it doesn't matter what we think. Why matters is if your son doesn't mind, what harm is it doing?

Original poster
Smil3r · 13/01/2019 08:53

Thank you all for these very helpful responses. To clarify a few points: yes, of course have asked my son his opinion but he's so sweet he would never dream of telling me not to come. He's devoted to his sister and they miss each other terribly, which is one of the reasons I go so often ( the other reason being my selfish need to see him!). My husband doesn't come with us because he has the rather old-fashioned opinion that dealing with the children is the mother's job. My eldest daughter lives 10 minutes from his work and he has never visited her once. That's not to say he doesn't love them completely - they know he would do anything for them if they asked. I didn't really want to believe that I am being OTT, but w see that I am overdoing it. I will cut back the visits and let him know we will pop over whenever he wants us to. The pain of missing him is very real - it's like a large jagged knife hacking away inside me. But that's my problem, not his. Thank you all for your help. You're good people😊

OP posts:
Newbie1981 · 13/01/2019 09:03

It's clingy and embarrassing. Once a month would be enough!

Frazzled2207 · 13/01/2019 09:07

A bit ott IMO. Aim for once a month. My dad used to similar once a term-ish.

Disfordarkchocolate · 13/01/2019 09:08

If this has only been since Oct I'd keep it up unless he said something. I think it may naturally start to reduce so no need to worry. If he's missing his sister he may struggle at uni if you visit less.

Racecardriver · 13/01/2019 09:09

That seems very healthy to me. This British attitude ofsuddenly estranging yourself from your children the second they turn 18 is really weird. Once a fortnight for an afternoon sounds like a good frequency. Often enough to maintain a close relationship but not so often that he lacks independence or time to himself.