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Original poster

Am I a clingy mum?

56 replies

Smil3r · 13/01/2019 07:55

My son, 18, started university in September. I pop over to see him every 2 weeks with his little sister and we have lunch, go to the cinema, visit a museum, etc. We only stay for the afternoon. My husband thinks this is ridiculous. He says I should leave my son alone and that I am smothering him. Needless to say, he hasn't visited our son at all. I miss my son so much, but I don't think a few hours a fortnight is excessively clingy?

OP posts:
Jellyonawonkyplate · 13/01/2019 09:11

The pain of missing him is very real - it's like a large jagged knife hacking away inside me

That's a bit much I think. Also the fact he wouldn't dream of saying anything, I think these visits are more for you than your son or his sister. Don't they keep in contact via social media, messaging etc if they miss each other so desperately?

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 13/01/2019 09:13

I would keep going until he asks you not to, making sure that the relationship was open enough for this to happen.

I think it’s nice that you go. My dis moved to Londonin July and l miss him very much. But there seems to be a school of thought on here that wanting to spend time with your adult children is weird.

He enjoys it, you enjoy it, and his little sister enjoys it. What’s the problem? Adult children are allowed to spend time with their families

ResistAndPersist · 13/01/2019 09:16

When I was at uni I still saw my parents once or twice a week. I'm 42 and they come to mine for dinner once a week now. What's so bad about maintaining relationships if everyone's happy with it?

Once a term! How would I have convinced my dad to buy me a load of shopping if I only saw him once in a blue moon? Grin

How old is the little sister? Could she visit him alone?

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Birdsgottafly · 13/01/2019 09:21

The issue is that you say he wouldn't tell you not to come. So making him stick to a routine is ott, as he settles in and wants nights out with his mates etc.

It's great to keep up the Sibling bond, perhaps leave them to it and you go exploring a bit?

My children didn't go off to Uni, but when my eldest moved out at 19, it hit me a few months later, how much I was missing her.

MrsJayy · 13/01/2019 09:25

If he is telling you not to come out of politeness maybe go every 3rd week or not go one week and see what he does with his Saturday I get you miss him but try and not burden him with that

HolyMountain · 13/01/2019 09:27

I think it’s too much especially as you’ve stated he doesn’t want to upset you by saying no.

pajamallama · 13/01/2019 09:29

OP you sound lovely!

ApolloandDaphne · 13/01/2019 09:43

Seems too much to me. I saw DD1 around once, maybe twice in a term as she was at uni around 1.5 hours drive away. DD2 is at uni 350 miles away. She is in her final year and i have visited her once! She barely has time to answer my messages and i know she would hate me to be there every fortnight! We have a great relationship despite this, and i do miss her but this is her time and she needs to be free to find her own way.

Tinkobell · 13/01/2019 09:46

I'd just trim it back a bit OP to once a month. I've got one about to go to Uni, she's stated v clearly she doesn't want us chipping up and cramping her style!

PhilomenaButterfly · 13/01/2019 09:49

God no. My DM recently got back in touch with me after being NC for 9 years, she wanted to meet up for lunch once a week. Fuck off, I have a life!

LittleCandle · 13/01/2019 09:49

I didn't see DD2 for the first month she was at uni and she was forbidden to come home during that time so that she settled in. After that, I saw her a couple of times a term and she came home occasionally. She rang or messaged quite often. We are close and go on holiday periodically. She would not have wanted me to visit every 2 weeks. There again, I never wanted my kids to stay at home forever the way some people do.

LoniceraJaponica · 13/01/2019 09:55

DD's boyfriend's mum is very clingy. In fact he finds his parents claustrophobic, and hates coming home to visit. It is the main reason he chose to go to a university 5 hours away as he doesn't want them just popping in to see him.

He had a 14 week term last term and didn't go home once, not even for reading week, and couldn't wait to go back to university last week.

In answer to the OP, yes, I think you need to cut back the visits. Loving someone also means learning to let go of them. Your son needs to become more independent and make his own friends. That said, I think it is lovely that you have such a close and loving relationship. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, but maybe less often than every fortnight.

Redskyandrainbows67 · 13/01/2019 09:55

I’d have loved a mum like you! Keep it up but maybe keep the visits short and so they don’t impose on his social life - ask him what the best time to come would be. So maybe a Saturday morning and lunch rather than all day. If son is happy with it that’s all that matters.
I think it’s really normal to miss them loads when they leave home.

Drivenmad80 · 13/01/2019 12:32

I think that's lovely. If he honestly didn't want to see you he'd make excuses and cancel. He sounds like a lovely guy caring so much about his little sister too. X

NoIAmSpartacus · 13/01/2019 12:37

I think it's lovely, I live 4 hours away from my mum and we see each other every few months ( but talk on the phone everyday ) I'd love to see her once a fortnight and miss her terribly!

justasking111 · 13/01/2019 12:43

My eldest would have loved this, unfortunately he was too far away, he would hop on a train at weekends and come home. We do live in a surfing paradise so saw a lot of him for that reason I suspect.

Middle son at uni. 20 miles up the road, he never came home and would not have wanted to see us I suspect.

Youngest DC goes to uni. this year, I suspect he may be independent.

With skype face talk, you can always ensure everything is ok. We encouraged them to talk to us about any worries.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 13/01/2019 12:49

Seems OTT to me
Give the poor boys some space and work on developing yours and your youngest child’s circle of friends and activities

JacquesHammer · 13/01/2019 12:52

If he’s happy with the situation then carry on.

I saw my parents weekly when I was at uni (by my choice). Hasn’t affected my independence one iota but we remain exceedingly close years later.

RedPandaMama · 13/01/2019 12:56

I think every two weeks is a bit too often, maybe once a month would be better. Though I didn't get on with my parents while at uni, they only lived 30 minutes away and never even called or texted during term, never mind visited so i guess my view is kind of biased.

dustarr73 · 13/01/2019 12:58

I think depends on the age of your dd,if she is 5 then 5.But if she is 14 let them meet up by themselves.

And if your ds wont say no to you,maybe nows the time to pull back yourself.I would let your ds arrange the meetups from now on.

Hen2018 · 13/01/2019 13:00

I think that’s a little too frequent. And your husband sounds like a right misery.

ImNotKitten · 13/01/2019 13:17

If it works for your family, carry on. Everyone is such an individual that it would be ridiculous to say X or Y is the right frequency to visit. Just make sure he knows he can decline visits whenever he wants, and there will be no hard feelings.

scaryteacher · 13/01/2019 13:22

If I was over in UK, I'd make sure if we were going down the M3, to go an extra junction on the M25 and see ds for a cuppa and a sandwich, and to hit Tesco if he needed it.

It was sometimes once a term, sometimes we only saw him in holidays.

Daisywho · 13/01/2019 14:25

I agree with Racecar - I don’t think this is clingy at all, I think it sounds lovely! Also, a brother and sister who have a great close relationship - who wouldn’t want that for their kids?

I think you’re treating him more like the adult that he now is than people who cut their student-age children loose. I would carry on, OP!

Redskyandrainbows67 · 13/01/2019 18:17

So I think the consensus is op - it’s closer than ‘normal’ but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Key thing is if it works for him as well as you.