1st child challenging so not having any more?

[DuffBeer]

I have one child. Almost 4 years old.

The whole thing so far has been bloody hard work. High needs baby, very challenging toddler and now going through an awfully cheeky/rude phase which is causing us great stress. Although we are desperately trying to ride it out.

People tell me it's because he's clever. He is a bright kid, there's no doubt, but the journey so far has been so hard.

Im now at the stage where my hormones are screaming to have another baby.

Part of me thinks it would be good for my son not to be the focal point of our universe and that it would be good for both us and him because it all feels so intense right now. The other part of me is terrified that I will end up with another live wire and it'll tip me over the edge.

Has anybody stopped at one child because their first was challenging and exhausting?

All children are challenging and exhausting OP. Some in different ways to others but nonetheless upsetting, knackering and disturbing.

If you want another, have one. I agree that it's harder work in one way but not in another.

My 4 yr old sounds very similar to yours. I had another but with a small gap. I was pregnant before I realised how hard dc1 was as they were an easy baby but very tricky toddler. Dc2 is easier and completely different personality so I'm glad I did it in ignorant bliss. There was some jealously issues and bickering siblings can be stressful but overall I'm glad I've got the two.

I don't mean to sound flippant when I say he's challenging. I know that all kids have their moments but with him, it just seems like one thing after another - relentless. Just when I think we're on an upwards curve, he outwits me yet again!

I have many friends with kids (who I spend a lot of time with) the same age who are just laid back and seem so easy in comparison to my whirlwind.

Don't get me wrong, he's amazing and very bright, but he never stops - his brain never stops. I'm worried that I'm at capacity and I can't cope with another. But I don't want to not have one, due to my own inadequacies!

This is exactly why I’m not having another child. I haven’t slept for a year and I have to supervise my DS every second of the day. Im so stressed with the constant noise and activity. I cope by telling myself he’s getting better every day and is one day closer to independence. I can’t handle starting from day 1 again.

How old is yours Whirlie?

All children are challenging and exhausting OP.

I don't think my children are challenging and exhausting, they're pretty laid back. And I can definitely see that some other children are much harder work.

Maybe when your DS starts school and can read he might get easier.

Do you have any pets? We've recently got one and it helps our DC have calm downtime.

I think you have to weigh it up. You might have another who is similar...are you prepared for putting up with it again? How much do you want a baby? More than you care about going through the difficulties of the early years? There are no guarantees.

We have 4 dogs and sadly it does nothing to encourage him to calm down. If only he was as laid back as the dogs!

That is the question I'm chewing over at the moment- do I really want another baby, given that it could have exactly the same personality? In theory I could cope, I'm coping right now. Just not enjoying it a lot of the time

My eldest was just like that... bright, challenging, and utterly exhausting from day one. Didn't sleep, didn't eat and once she could talk... Christ!
I figured another child couldn't possibly be as tough..so had another and I was right... DS was a laid back cheerful baby...so much so I went on to have no 3 (also lovely) and no 4!

They are adults now... DC 1 is still a bright, hyperactive, infuriating adult... she's now a doctor. DC 2 is a kind, gentle laid back musician.

Just go for it.. if you survive no 1 you'll manage :)

(ps I adore DD1.. she is amazing, but it was much easier once she grew up!!

1st child.Nightmare baby- colic, reflux, puking all over,non sleeping toddler, perfect child. Clever, witty, bright, funny.
2nd child- perfect baby, nightmare toddler, ASD. Go figure. Love them to bits

He might have ADHD, mine does and he sounds like that. It got easier after 4 actually and I often wished that I'd had another baby just so he had somebody else to pester instead of me... But appreciate you could end up with another the same!

I stopped at one, as first child was a handful, ok as a baby, biting, scratching stage lasted from toddler stage to 6!

Now at 7, she has a great sense of humor, we laugh a lot. She is still not an easy child, there are meltdowns and tantrums a plenty. I am knackered as she is on the go constantly, needs masses of interaction and attention.
If I had been younger, I might be considering a 2nd now, as I can see we are getting out of the trenches, but I am in my forties and could not hack another 6 or 7 years firefighting waiting for things to calm down!

Only do it if you really want another child, no matter what their personality or indeed health/disability needs may be.

Good luck with your decision

Thanks for all of the replies, the responses made me smile because it helps to know there are others who are currently (and previously) experiencing similar! My sympathies are with you!

Apparently my husband was a nightmare up until about 7 - very similar to our boy. He is a very intelligent man but does have ASD traits, albeit undiagnosed. I have considered that my son may have ASD but his pre school haven't mentioned anything?

According to my mother, I was an absolute dream. No bother at all. So, I guess it really is luck of the draw.

I just don't know what to do!

I should add, that the silver lining to all of this, is that he is a fantastic sleeper. 12+ hours every night since he was about two yrs old, so I can't complain on that front.

But, in daylight hours - Jesus, it's not for the faint hearted.

I take a similar approach with him that I do with my dogs - plenty of exercise or the house becomes a war zone. Spending an entire day inside is not an option.

All children are challenging and exhausting

Totally disagree with this.

I had one that was very difficult. He was a lot more work than friends’ dcs.

Had another after he was at school as couldn’t cope with 2 like in in the house all day!

Thankfully the gamble paid off and next dc was/is much easier- never gets told off/ is easy going etc.

Being an older sibling has been good for difficult dc. It brings out the best in him.

Although life would have been better/ easier if we had stopped at one.

I think having a sibling might help though? At the moment, al the attention and focus is on him, it might calm everything down if he's not top dog all the time. Starting school in September will also help do this and perfect timing for you to be at home with a new baby.

Thing is my easy oldest child turned into a nightmare teenager while my live wore exhausting second is a much more chilled laid back one. There's no way of knowing!

I do agree a sibling for different focus would be good for him. There's 5 years between my two as well.

Since they'd started sleeping properly as babies neither of my children have been remotely challenging or exhausting, so completely disagree with that statement.

I do know someone with a ds who sounds very like yours, he's now 11 and hadn't changed at all, his mum has a great relationship with him but I wouldn't be surprised if she said she was glad she stuck at one.

Only you know what's right for you. Just having one is absolutely fine. As would be having another if you think it would work.

DS is like this, gorgeous, kind, bright as a button but bloody hard work!

I had a second when he was very small as I thought, well it couldn't get much worse so I might as well get on with it!

DD is an absolute angel, never caused a spot of bother in 6 years.

What I'm trying to say is that you're very unlikely to get two the same, if you'd really like a second, it's definitely worth a try!

Yes I did think that another child may help to take away the intense focus that he has on us.

We both work full time so we're not with him constantly - but we both have fairly flexible schedules so our son is very lucky and sees more of us than other kids with parents who work full time. But when we're with him he pesters constantly for attention : 'Do this, do that, pretend to be this, put on that silly voice, play with me' and constant chatter and demands all day long.

His preschool do not mention this behaviour, if anything he has been more introverted, although has massively come out of his shell since September.

I agree that him being at school full time would massively help as no way could I deal with him at home and a baby

Oh just remembered I had to put handbags out of the way too after the lipstick incident i once woke up to a crimson toddler, hallway, stairs, doors. Basically he painted until the brand new lipstick was gone.

When mine was asleep we used to goose step at him and do Hitler salutes.

Thigh - He's not destructive as such, although will throw things in frustration. He wants to be able to master everything on the first go and when that inevitably doesn't happen - he loses it.

Looking back, he has always been frustrated. As a baby, he wanted to be able to sit up or wriggle all the time. He screamed - a lot. The only place that could placate him was bouncing in the jumperoo.

Once he could crawl (months of frustration) he wanted to be able to walk - again lots of screaming.

Once he could walk - Christ, he was off - bolting everywhere. Would not hold my hand, screamed blue murder if the reins went on etc.

He talked very early. Reciting nursery rhymes and talking in quite complex sentences from about 18 months. But again, completely frustrated that his motor skills were not on a par with his communication skills. Again, lots of screaming.

The last year has been the most challenging. Now he can talk extremely well and pushes us constantly with his back chat, rudeness and epic tantrums.

I often think, is it me? Am I just crap at this? Would others find him easier to deal with?