1st child challenging so not having any more?

[DuffBeer]

I have one child. Almost 4 years old.

The whole thing so far has been bloody hard work. High needs baby, very challenging toddler and now going through an awfully cheeky/rude phase which is causing us great stress. Although we are desperately trying to ride it out.

People tell me it's because he's clever. He is a bright kid, there's no doubt, but the journey so far has been so hard.

Im now at the stage where my hormones are screaming to have another baby.

Part of me thinks it would be good for my son not to be the focal point of our universe and that it would be good for both us and him because it all feels so intense right now. The other part of me is terrified that I will end up with another live wire and it'll tip me over the edge.

Has anybody stopped at one child because their first was challenging and exhausting?

I think having another child would help your child in the long run. You will be forced to go through some very necessary battles that you would probably otherwise avoid for an easy life.

God, forgotten all this! Thank goodness I had number 2.

My DS is like that and I have the same concerns. I've not found the answer yet. DP wants another but I don't know if my mental health can take it!

My eldest was very difficult, he's 12 now and the majority of the time is fine, although he's always going to be one of those slightly whingey people who nothing is ever quite right.

DC2 and DC3 are easy and were easy as babies too.

DH is an only child and hated it, both as a child with no siblings and now feeling the weight of having to look after his parents as an only one. So having one child for us was never an option. I suppose the other way I looked at it was that subsequent children were unlikely to be as bad as DS, but if they were, we knew how to cope with it.

DD1 was and still is high needs at 6.

DD2 was a doddle. Slept well from the first night, has had maybe 3 tantrums in her entire life, and has a bubbly, social personality. She is 4 now.

It has been good for DD1 to have a sister. It has been good for DH & I to have another child.

You never get 2 the same. 😄

OP mine was the same. Incredibly bright and funny very, very popular at school. But would only do what he wanted or argue the toss forever. With mine it's ADHD which I didn't spot as he aced every exam.

Looking back I was young and soft and should have been incredibly firm with him to curb the dictator in him.

I felt exactly like you OP. Dd14 is very high maintenance and was very demanding from the day she was born. Dd8 the polar opposite. Ds 9 months very laid back. I get told im so lucky with him but ive paid my dues with dd14. Go for it with baby no 2. Youll see a different side to ds. Dd 14 adores her siblings.

With mine he couldn't play alone or amuse himself. He'd be in a rage if you were talking to anyone else or doing anything that didn't centre on him. Honestly i wish i had been very, very firm and reinforced concrete boundaries and behaviours. With number 2 i could just play a little, set him up with something and explain that i needed to do x - it was so different.

A friend with a very intense and demanding first child told me once that’s she’s very glad she had more DC otherwise she’d never have understood what a joy it could be.

Most people say 2nd children are easier but my 2nd was way more challenging, energetic and tantrummy than my first, it's bloody exhausting.

Could you manage a 2nd that is just as challenging op?

I found my eldest quite hard work , she was always on the go . Needed a lot of attention etc . She got a lot easier from school age though . I had her sister when she was 4 and she has always been a lot easier (until recently when she had turned into a threenager ).

You say he never stops and is relentless. Have you considered he may have ADHD? You say your DP is on the spectrum. Families with ASD often also have ADHD.

He sounds like my GD.

My DD had a second, shouldn't have done imo, but her choice and she's turned into a shouting wreck, at times.

My first had ADHD, I'm laid back and my children were my focus, I could be a SAHM, so I didn't struggle as such. I had two more.

Personally I'd wait and see how he does at school. He may well mature and settle down, or there could be a diagnosis on its way.

Appointments etc thrown into the mix and another one the same and life isn't fun.

That's if you've got time to wait.

He's the master of arguing the toss
I am firm with him, but I find that I have to think in 3 dimensions all the time to get him to do something, without him realising he's doing it.

I feel like I would be the chump who goes for a second, thinking it can't possibly happen again - and it would!

But then, would two of the same personality ultimately be easier than one? That sounds slightly crazy.....

Inforthelonghaul. Wow that's sad, that's how I feel

It doesn't feel joyful at all

If he had ASD wouldn't pre school have picked up on it by now?

Dc 1-Nightmare pregnancy, delivery, baby, toddler, preschooler... now at school and doing well but is Sens/ possibly ADHD so now it all makes sense!!

Dc 2- lovely pregnancy, ok delivery, good baby and slept well, over all a good child. Can be a little devil and carry on but just normal child stuff!

I have considered a DC 3 but I am touching 40 and I have some gyno problems so having to decide if I should have a hysterectomy I don’t think my body could carry a 3rd although I love the idea of a big family.

If you are even considering it.... you probably want it!!

There is nothing nicer than heading my Dc giggling and playing together...... before the next fight breaks out!! 😂

I had a very tricky first

And quite possibly the easiest second that has ever been born

My ds4 is 5 next month and we are stopping at 1 child.I do feel guilty sometimes but it's right for my MH and our family.

"But then, would two of the same personality ultimately be easier than one?"

No it wouldn't. My third also had Additional needs.

I can understand what, Inforthelonghaul's friend meant, in a way. My middle DD was NT had excellent attention span, was really sensible etc and it was a revelation how easy it could be to Parent a child.

He might need extra support etc at school and then you could end up with two, both needing different strategies.

I had to enrol my DD in all sorts of extra physical stuff, trampolining, swimming etc, so she'd let her steam off to sleep.

You could have another, who needs something different.

That's the same with anyone, which is why I always think if you can leave a bit of an age gap, then it's better, or know you can manage two sets of Additional Needs.

"If he had ASD wouldn't pre school have picked up on it by now?"

No. Many aren't diagnosed until 7. Some never, they just struggle, until Adulthood

The expectations at pre-school are age appropriate. It's when you'd expect them to settle down, which is usually half way through their first year of school.

Then the assessment starts, which takes you to six/seven.

Hi OP

My eldest ( is 6) sounds very like your DS. He is still very challenging. I used to think it must be me as a parent - I love him to bits but he is definitely more challenging than a lot of my friend’s children.

I got pregnant with my 2nd due to contraceptive fail. Completely different character - easy going, wakes up happy, naps easily, just a natural optimist. Honestly totally different experience and I really enjoyed my mat leave etc. It has made me feel like not quite so much a failure as a parent. And strangely in turn I think it has helped me parent my eldest better as well.

Obviously some of this is probably I’m more relaxed, and our personalities are easier together ( you are never the same parent to each child). But a lot is innate personality - suspect my eldest is actually probably more similar to me!

Also luckily they do get on really well - so although there is fighting they also play together a lot and get so much enjoyment. My ex left last year and having each other has helped them immensely. Also my youngest’s personality seems to help the eldest.

Obviously no guarantees but it can be different!

Duffbeer I could have written your opening post but added in that my boy did. NOT. sleep at all ever.
Totally different to his peers, my friends children.
Colic, followed by croup every 3-4 weeks, teething, chicken pox, childhood illnesses put paid to any sleep routine and would escalate behaviour issues.
Couldn’t leave him alone in a room, destructive, a climber, an escape artist from a tiny age, car seats couldn’t hold him, he took stair gates to pieces and handed me the nuts and bolts, flooded rooms, broke furniture, skirting boards, toys, electronics.... couldn’t watch anything on tv for more than 30 seconds.
I stopped going out with him for about 12 months as shopping was hideous, I would regularly have to leave my shopping and handbags and retrieve him from the car parks, friends faces would fall when I went for a coffee with them at their houses with him.
I was stressed 99.9% of the time.
He finally slept a whole night through when he was 5 and at school.
At 6 we decided that it was now or never.
I had a bit of normal life back as he was in school and had sporting interest outside of school so it was better.

I craved silence and stillness. I wanted a bath and a book but that was impossible.
The thought of his high maintenance needs and another the same struck terror into my heart.
It’s kind of ok now. He is a teenager now, still hard work but my little one is SO easy in comparison, an absolute dream child.
It’s a gamble I suppose.

OP - I should add my eldest hasn’t got easier at school age. Quite the opposite as he now gets in trouble at school.

Interestingly I wondered about ADHD but because he can concentrate and sit still at times ( when he wants to) school don’t think so. So I guess he is maybe just a more tricky individual. I’m hoping he maybe grows into himself