Held a newborn today and my heart feels like it is breaking

[WinterCoatigan]

I've been single all my life and I don't think it will change. I'm 34 so time is really running out.

I want a baby and a family so so much. It seems like an actual physical pain.

you don't need experience of being in a relationship.
it;s not some scary thing thing where you need to know what you're doing.
You find someone who enjoys your company and you enjoy theirs.
You think will I enjoy having this person in my life all the time. If the answer to that is yes, then you have a good relationship.

Sorry op the broody/pining for a baby can hit hard.

@WinterCoatigan apart from a relationship “of sorts” between 29 and 31 with an abusive emotionally unavailable commitment phobe, I’ve been single all my adult life too.

What I did find with the dickhead who I wasted 29-31 with was how easy it is to get into a relationship really. When you’ve been single so long, you think everything is going to be awkward and weird and that you won’t know how to “be” with another person but...it all fell into place. Just unfortunately it fell into place with a dickhead and it took another 2 years to get over!

I think the ideas on this thread like joining a running club or doing a course are good. I’ve got a lot of hobbies but don’t really meet a lot of men at them. But I do think getting to know people in real life is a good idea.

Counselling helped me a lot too.

I was in a relationship with my now DH since I was 21, but fertility issues meant we didn't have our first baby until I was 34. If you want a baby, do whatever it takes! Everything else can come later.

get signing up. Right now.

My SIL was single and a virgin till 34. Then she met my brother, moved in six months later. They married and have three children together.

You have to keep looking. Most people attract other people, I just don't think that you realise when a man is interested.

I do imagine a relationship to be awkward and negotiating-y. It must help to have experience?!

@themoomoo OP said she's not been out with anyone since she was 21. No need to act incredulous like she is some kind of exhibit. It doesn't come easily to everyone. How do you define proper and grown up anyway?

nah, you don't need experience. You're finding a fellow human being that like each other. It's not complicated.

What do you mean by "missing out on a large chunk of adulthood"?

I feel this way too. Other people have spent their 20s and 30s in a few long term relationships, living with someone, holidaying with them, getting enagaged, married, ttc, becoming parents. Even things like dividing up finances, bills, saving together, buying a home...planning for a future that involves another person.

Right now I’m buying my first home, alone. I should feel over the moon but I just feel empty wondering what my future will be. Life feels empty and lonely. Yes, I have friends but they have families and I don’t. And I don’t feel I did anything differently to them. I’m a very kind, sweet natured person, a bit of a pushover maybe as I always give more than I get, work hard, I’m honest, a good laugh, good career, very caring.

I sense OP is really frustrated as she doesn’t know where she’s gone wrong or how to change.

poochuspoochus
wtf are you on about? I'm telling the OP that she can still do this and it's not as daunting as she thinks.
You having a bad day?

even attracting a dickhead would be a slight improvement on attracting absolutely no-one! God it really wouldn't you know. Have a look at the Relationships board and see what that gets you!

OP I think you really need to think what you actually want. I have a close friend who was/is like you. Her story may be different to yours, obviously I have very limited info and nobody here knows you.

So my friend wanted what you say you want. A baby/children. But she also said she wanted the whole kit and caboodle - a proper family with a husband to go with it.

This went on for years. She became increasingly desperate as she got older, knowing her fertility was waning. This (the desperation) made it less and less likely she would attract a decent bloke, and she dated increasingly unpleasant men, who bolted as soon as they realised how full on she was.

She could afford fairy easily to have a child alone - finances were not an issue. Her friends suggested various options for her to have a child, which she still insisted she wanted, but she would not proceed without a "full relationship." This in spite of the fact that all around her, various friends were reaching their thirties and forties and splitting with their children's fathers, proving that the family unit is not always a happy ever after.

She is now 50 and never had a long term relationship and no children. There are plenty of people for whom this would not be an issue. I have other friends who have no children and are very happy about that, but for her it is shattering. She has become increasingly bitter, jealous and judgemental. She has lost many of her friends because she is aggressive and, well just bitter I guess.

I suspect if she could turn back the clock she would have that baby and forget about the relationship side of things.

I hope things work out for you.

And I don’t feel I did anything differently to them.

YES! This is exactly how I feel too shadylady.

Do you think your standards are too high OP? I have several friends who went out with slightly less attractive guys who turned out to be lovely fathers. I think rom coms can make us think we should only wait for mr perfect.

Do you think your standards are too high OP?

No, not really. I don't have any 'ideal man' in terms of looks or anything (no smoking though). I would like someone with a full time job who doesn't live at home. When I was on Match I was pretty much willing to chat with anyone if they could type in reasonable sentences and seemed to read my profile. I met up with a few men but I couldn't imagine spending my life with them, or even wanting to share a flat with them, even after a few weeks for getting to know them.

Attracting a dickhead would magnify your problems by a million!

Why don't you book yourself on one of those singles holidays where you go off on an adventure with a big group? If nothing else you'd have a great time.

I wish there was online dating for people in this situation who are really serious about having a relationship, rather than just wanting a hook up.

It’s definitely not too late OP. I’m 36 and have got engaged, married and had 2 kids in the last 4 years. I think when you’re a bit older relationships tend to move a bit faster than they might in your early 20s say.

My SIL is 43 and has a one year old, and is pregnant with her second. You could well have another 10 years to have children so definitely don’t lose hope!

Bit random but speed dating can be quite fun - you get to meet a range of people in one night and know pretty quickly if there’s any spark (and if there isn’t you only have to spend 2 minutes with them!)

I met DH at 36, was actively OLD but met via friends. Married two years later, DC1 11 months later and DC2 2 yrs after. Never thought it would happen.
There’s time for you xx

Do you have any interests/characteristics that have their own dating sites, OP? Friends I know who have met partners online generally seem to have met them through more specialist dating sites, a few religious ones, and a university alumni one. Is anything like that a possibility?

Oh God. People that don’t know me label me with the too picky thing all the time. “not married? Perhaps your too picky?” “no children? Well maybe you need to lower your standard now, you are getting older and can’t be afford to be picky!” “Nobody’s perfect you know.”

I have never been seeking a “Mr Perfect”.

I didn’t get asked out on my first date until I was 29.

Here’s my history of men that asked me out and I turned down;

Guy 1: Desperately didn’t want to be gay. Wanted to try being straight.

Guy 2: Asked his Mum to ask mine to ask me out. Already had a girlfriend anyway.

Guy 3: We went on a date. He confessed to using drugs and some criminal activity. Got physical with me when I made it clear I wasn’t interested.

Dickhead Dude.

Guy 5: Asked me out when I was with dickhead dude. Was a complete stranger. I was 29, he was 45 and desperate for kids. Literally approached me and said “Hi do you want to go out sometime.” Had never set eyes on him before and he felt too old and too creepy for me.

Guy 6: 45 year old sexual predator with a history of abusing young women. He was also my MA supervisor.

Guy 7: Homeless and old enough to be my grandad.

Guy 8: Mentally very unstable. Talks in monologues. Believes he is entitled to me because “The bible says a man must have a wife”. Harassed me via text, email and phone. Wants my home address. Doesn’t take no for an answer. Loads of incompatible feelings and beliefs - he shuns modern society, wants me to quit my (amazing) job and go on a missionary trip, lives in voluntary poverty and would expect me to.

Which of those men should I have settled down with and brought children in the world with?

How much lower do my standards need to be?!

Sorry “you’re not your!” and “into the world”.

I married my DH aged 34 having dated for a year. He was my first serious boyfriend. I thought I would have trouble conceiving as had had irregular periods. I came home from honeymoon pregnant and had 3 children between then and age 39. Do not give up. I also met him OLD but would use a serious site not a hook up site.

I get you shadylady

National Trust Volunteering holidays
Ramblers
Holiday Fellowship
Exodus walking holidays
A big choir
Amateur dramatics
Allotments
Classical concerts especially series
Bookgroups (the sort that are open to all)
History Societies
Lecture Series

these are the sort of places that unattached men might go if they wanted to bump into someone like you

also even if there is no one suitable you will have a great time, and that will increase your confidence interestingness fitness and self esteem.

@WinterCoatigan Lol at least we aren’t alone! Got a stunningly gorgeous friend in the same boat too but she’s older than us and doesn’t want kids so plenty of time for her to find someone.

When people say to her “you need to lower your standards”, she acts incredulous and says “what an awful thing to say about your husband! You are only with him because you have low standards? Or is he the one with the low standards? Gosh, how dreadfully sad!” and flounces off leaving them confused .

Other posters are right though in saying you really don’t want a dickhead. It really is better being single than being with someone horrible. It’s very damaging and would be a dreadful environment to bring a child into.

I’m going to try and meet as many new men as possible this year. I’ll only beat myself up if I don’t try harder and I do think it’s a numbers game. Being single for most of our adulthood and wanting children with a ticking clock does make us more vulnerable though, so I think it’s best to be pragmatic and careful. Otherwise it just makes you a dickhead magnet!